Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

An acquaintance moved to Texas a year ago, with their newborn, and I believe she'd now expecting their second child. I don't know her particularly well, but I'm good friends with a close friend of hers, so I get snippets, basically.

There is a ex-pat board on FB I believe, which she used endlessly to ask about baby/child related stuff. I got the impression that there is a lot of ex-pat community out there, but Texas is a vast place.

I believe she's found her tribe there of middle class moms doing organic/forest school type stuff, but life is very different.

From other family in the US, Texas is a tough place to thrive in, even for many Americans, ito. Being from Texas is almost separate from being from the US - 'it takes balls to live in Texas,' is one way of putting it, that I've heard.

Like other posters, I wouldn't go because of the attack on women's rights, which will decline further under a second Trump presidency and the astonishing levels of gun crime. There's open carry in Texas, and as of relatively recently, there is now no requirement to even have a gun license for handguns.

Texas is a vast place, and some of it stunningly beautiful and the history is rich and fascinating, but I wouldn't take my young family there. I'm sorry OP, how stressful for you.

My sibling and family did this, also Houston. Went on an 18 month secondment and have now been there nearly 7 years and have green cards. Kids have absolutely flourished in amazing US schools (sibling wanted to embrace US culture fully including school). One graduated high school in the very top percentage tier and has just started uni over there.

They had a fantastic package through his company and had a great rental provided with pool on gated community for first card. of years. Now own a huge gorgeous home and have an incredible lifestyle without any need for wife to work - although she can now with the green card. She has made lots of friends both US and expats.

Find out the package and go from there. Good luck.

He wants you to 'just try it'. But maybe he can instead.
You could give him your blessing in accepting the job, on the basis that he stays for a year and comes back to visit you whenever possible before any decision is made about you and the children moving.
Perhaps he will love it there and you'll come to realise you want to join him.
Perhaps not.

Listen to this post, OP

is your husband chasing the money and "career", rather than supporting what's best for his family? It's something he needs to reflect on, and I'd ask my DH in that situation to take some time to really think about what he's asking for. As mentioned before, I would never move to racist, USA who have crazy laws on women's bodies. It is a scary place and they support israel's genocide of Palestinians. There are so many issues there, worse than UK, and i'd just not move there whether it's trump or biden/harris to win. both are as bad as each other.

I'm a jump in with both feet kinda person, and this IS a perfect time with you the ages of DC to be an expat for a couple of years.

Dogs can get flown over, you'd need to consider your vet's opinion

I would be very clear to your H - who actually ISNT that much of a high earner - certainly not for the south east etc etc that without the details of the package, HE can't possibly accept this position for you all to uproot, and that without any of the essential details, your answer is NO.

No decent man would even consider this job without REALLY understanding what the salary meant, what was included, what was not, what support there is for you as a trailing spouse, what the school situation is etc etc

HE needs to get his homework done, if he wants to give them an answer it needs to be 'potentially, but we need to see what the relocation package, salary, paid trips home, moving, dog, school, accommodation etc is before we can confirm.'

ANY of the employees that are considered for this role would ask the same, and the company will have this information to hand.

THEN you can negotiate.

A few weeks ago I mentioned whether he could do 2 weeks at home, 2 weeks there, but apparently there's a threshold where he could end up being taxed in the UK and US?

He might potentially end up liable for tax in the UK on part of his income and tax in the US on part. He won’t be taxed twice on the same income as we have a treaty with the US that prevents this. I would expect his employer to manage all this as it’s pretty complicated, or else provide the cost of an accountant. I’d ask him to go back to them again to discuss this as it sounds as if he has misunderstood and it might be a good solution.

OP, I am sorry I have only read your posts. But the weird refusal to discuss package with them in advance is the one thing that makes me really worry. It suggests he is actually FULLY aware of the package, and does not want to tell you. I know this because I used to work in a large international corporate and when people were being moved around, as part of the job offer, the FULL details of what the package included - including healthcare, vacation, additional costs for childcare, support for spousal visas etc were ALL included as part of the INITIAL discussion, opening the door for further negotiation "ok, we'll come but actually, we want a guarantee you'll pay the kids private school fees the entire time we're there, even if we go beyond the contracted time" or whatever.

You do not get offered a job with a big move like that without full transparency. And if you do, it's NOT a job you want.

Which makes me think he's not telling you something. Sorry.

I am sorry, OP, but I do think you are a bit unreasonable. I don't know what his package is but I have a friend who relocated to Texas about 15 years ago. For the same job he will get in the UK about 80k he was getting 150 there plus the cost of living is cheap compared with the UK. You get huge house, nice car etc. If your DH gets promotion his salary is much larger. The state schools in nice area are excellent, people are friendly and you can find job - his wife did easily as many other expats. They initially relocated for 2 years but after asked to stay permanently - both of them were very eager. You shouldn't go there with negative attitude - "I will count days", try to embrace change specially when your child is so little - this is the best time to experience something, after you will have to take into account their schools, development etc.
I can understand your hesitation of course, but I do struggle with negative attitude and not understanding that your DH wants to progress in his career. People are different and you maybe are satisfied with what you have but he wants more and it doesn't necessarily mean at your expense - you might love it there too. Why not give it a try? your DH will lose out on further progress in his career, if you say no - I work in a corporate world and if you forgo promotion because family doesn't want to move, you are quite often forgotten.

@Nunu90

‘A few weeks ago I mentioned whether he could do 2 weeks at home, 2 weeks there, but apparently there's a threshold where he could end up being taxed in the UK and US?’

There might be some truth in that but it depends on the Double Taxation Treaty, US/UK.

As a general rule if you work overseas but you retain a home/family in the UK and/or also spend sufficient time in the UK HMRC may start looking to levy at least some income tax. It’s often at that point that the provisions of the Double Taxation Treaty between the two countries kick in to determine who gets what…

If this move is half seriously being considered you’d need to take professional advice on the tax situation but in the meantime here’s a bit of light reading with regard to HMRCs rules.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/rdr3-statutory-residence-test-srt/guidance-note-for-statutory-residence-test-srt-rdr3

No fucking way. He can't even be arsed to get you all the relevant information, and he sounds like a selfish twat. I would not wish to be completely dependent on such a man. If his head gets turned by a shiny American colleague you will be totally in the shit. A big fat no from me. Look after yourself - he is bullying you.

Also this.

And agreed - £120K vs £40K seems like a lot now, but OP you could easily close that gap in a few years' time.

I have a feeling that there is something blag going on whereby the 'value' of the package is $400K but this isn't actually the headline salary.

It's not making sense at all he won't disclose the details to you.

For this reason alone, I'd turn the whole thing down as he really is hiding something.

A family member lived in NYC and had her DC there, she was still paying bills over a year later, insurance cost her like $2k a month and all she got for that was a shared room.

Health insurance at the very least needs to be something you are 100% nailed down on as a couple before you even look at this as an opportunity

That said, i think you already have huge issues in your relationship that isolating yourself from everyone and everything that you know will only exacerbate. I think you should tell him absolutely to go and see how it is, that once he is settled and knows more about if its feasible long term that you may consider joining him if the temporary position grows to something more tangible.

Once he has gone you can really see what life is like when you don't have someone gaslighting you and giving you the silent treatment. you would learn to be more self sufficient and work out what you want in life. you would get a lot stronger for sure.

Could DH go alone, sounds like you would hardly see him anyway and he can travel home for holidays.

(I wouldn't live in a country that has removed women's termination rights back to the Victorian Era)

You can't use UK taxes as a basis for taxation. US taxes are MUCH lower. They need to give him Deloitte or whoever to tell you the tax position. Usually you are guaranteed to be made 'tax neutral' by the company.

@mikulkin More money is a terrible reason to uproot the lives of 4 people for 1 person's benefit.

OP may not be able to work at all, runs the risks associated with being pregnant in Texas, as well as either being forced to stay against her will (as her H could prevent the DC leaving) or worse, being forced to leave without her DC!

She does not need to visit or know what the package is to have very valid reasons for refusing point blank.

Out of all the states in the US, I'd quite like Texas.

Your marriage is on borrowed time. He will never take you seriously. Keep all records so that you are not caught out when the marriage does crap out. He doesn’t respect you, gaslights you. All to make himself feel better. I wouldn’t want to open my legs let alone continue his dna on never mind moving to one of the few states in the world where women are treated like second class citizens.

If you do go you can also have it signed as a finite amount of time should there ever be a dispute about moving the kids back. You absolutely can protect yourself but you need to do it upfront.

Here’s the Houston real estate website, if you’re interested in getting an idea of accommodation costs.

www.har.com/houston/realestate/for_rent?view=map

Absolutely this, OP. Do not budge an inch - get ALL the details before you even consider the question. It's not 'wasting' anyone's time - it is a perfectly normal part of the process.

Why, are you MAGA with a fondness for unbearably hot, humid weather?

As @Anothernamechane says:
I also don’t actually believe for a minute he’s been made an official job offer with out full details of the package involved. Very likely he’s feeding you a line about it being temporary and when you get there he’ll keep being vague and pushing out your return date
I wonder if he knows that the package is barely adequate but thinks that you’d be stupid enough to just go along with what he says?
I suspect he’s so desperate to please his boss he’ll agree to anything.

I'd certainly insist on knowing the health care family package.

I'd be researching schools.

I'd be checking in with realtors as to the overall costs of living there.

Do the plus and minus financially.

Your hu is a blind fool if he doesn't do this with you.

I have a friend who hopped around the world with her husband who was in the oil industry, she's settled in Texas has a wonderful lifestyle, but would fly home alone with the kids to visit family..

Her kids are now men who married American women, had children. She's never coming back now.

Based on what OP has said, this would be a hard no for me - like, a complete deal breaker.

Having spent time in that part of the US, I would never want to live there and especially if I were pregnant. The NHS has it's faults but given the choice i would never, ever want to have to deal with the absolute shitshow that is american health care during pregnancy, especially as a non-us citizen.