Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Children who have been at school in the UK routinely find when moving to the US that they are more advanced than US students of the same age. A Levels are about the same level as the first year of US college (university) courses.

I think he is lying to you to get you to agree to go.

There is NO WAY they don't have a relocation package plan.

I'm American, my DH was offered a promotion to the UK. The company paid for a week long trip over for me to see schools and get comfortable with the situation. There was a multi page agreement over what costs would be covered, moving our two dogs, etc.

The choices are a) his company is shit and disorganized and you don't want to move based on that or b) the relo package has terms you won't like and therefore he's not showing it to you.

I think Donald Trump is a horrible person but I (personally) have socially conservative views.

I (personally) feel that the blue states are becoming too woke.

Lots of America is hot.

Some friends of DH did this. They lived in Houston and went when their kids were a little bit older than yours (they did start school over there).

They also didn't sell their house while they were there and rented it out and moved back into it when they came back.

They don't regret going but they were very happy to come home after about 3 years. He had a really good package out there that included accommodation and healthcare. They lived in a gated community and they never had any issues with where the kids went to school (biggest problem was they wouldn't let the kids start school without a chicken pox vaccination, which obviously isn't standard in the UK).

Your DH needs to know the full package to know if financially it's worth his while.

Our friend had accommodation provided to him for a month when he got there, to allow them time to find a rental, then gave him a fixed amount per month towards housing costs. The job then also included health insurance, which is absolutely vital in the US. Make sure it's a decent cover and find out what your non-deductibles are. I've seen countless videos where someone still has to pay thousands of $ towards an even greater, massively over inflated medical bill.

Ultimately though, they expected even more of him in work than he had in the UK and he was totally and utterly burned out after 3 years, which was making him ill.

They had saved some money while they were there, but not as much as they thought. It's difficult to say whether its helped his career in the long run, but he's now back in a similar position to what he was doing before he went.

There are other things to consider like tax positions with earning money in a different country, so he should look into that too.

If my DH were to come to me with the same offer, I would be like you, even though we don't have kids or an elderly dog! I wouldn't want to go either, but only you can determine what affect not going might have on your relationship, just as you would need to consider the same if you did go.

I'm kind of hoping for your sake that the financial package isn't good enough and you can easily rule it out on the basis of it not being worth it!

I know someone who did this, her DH had an opportunity of great promotion with Cisco in Texas, he was telling her it was unique, incredible money etc but I suspect he was a bit brainwashed tbh, I looked and could easily find a similar role in the UK, same kind of salary. I think his ego was stroked enough. They agreed to do it.

He went ahead, several months on his own whilst she did everything at home, selling house, packing, the time difference and young DC meant very little support/contact with DH. They relocated, she found it hard connecting at first, the mothers of similar aged DC were much younger but she seems to have made friends as 5 years later they are still there. they returned home for some Christmas’s.

in your DH shoes I would get all the offer details etc but do a comparison to same role here, why does the role have to be US based? His US counterparts won’t have much sympathy regards transatlantic flights/distance from home if they are regularly treating a 5 hour flight in the same way that we treat a 2 hour train journey.

for me issues with Texas would be weather, education, distance from family, my job, right to bear arms.

How long maternity leave would you get? Could you keep your job ? can move back if things don’t work out, would your H lose his uk job?
I think you really need to think about things before leaping to live in Texas

Why does OP need to seize this opportunity? It's not one she's asked for or seems to actually want. Personally I wouldn't move to the USA, I don't want to bring children up there, I don't want to uproot from my family and friends, and I just don't want to live there.

Her husband wants to do this for him. If he actually cared about doing the best for his family, he would listen to what his wife is saying and consider it. The lack of info about this 'package' makes me wary too. He should have exact figures before he makes any commitment to it. The fact he doesn't makes me wonder if he does actually and knows it won't be that persuasive financially so is keeping quiet and then will spring the 'well I've said I'll go so it's too late' thing on OP later.

Not every opportunity in life has to be 'seized'. This one doesn't sound like it's right for you and that's fine.

I wouldn't be against moving country for a work opportunity but America would not be high on my list and texas specifically would be very low if not the last place I'd ever move to, excluding literally war torn countries.

"plus the cost of living is cheap compared with the UK." Interesting that you write this when every other post, including from the pps who have done this/are doing this, all say the cost of living in the US is much higher than in the UK.
Also, OP is not being unreasonable. She's already moved a few times for her husband's job and moving to where they are now was on the understanding that this would be their "forever" home. He agreed to that, but he's now trying to move the goal-posts, so if anyone's being unreasonable, it's him.

I disagree. A friend agreed to move with a baby, pregnant with her second, to a coutnry where her DH would earn loads and be taxed very little, with lots of benefits like free housing, childcare etc thrown into the pot. She agreed this specifically for the purposes of the two of them building a big nest egg and on the firm promise they'd return when the oldest started school. Which is what they did. They now live in a very large house in a lovely area, the children are at private schools, they have paid off the flat they were living in before they left so have an additional income there and he is still earning plenty of money. They have set themselves up very nicely by simply choosing to live somewhere else for 4 years or so in a place that, while not their first choice, wasn't bad to live in.

BUT all these benefits must be clearly articulated and understood before.

Lots of America is hot but not with the particular Texan sticky heat

Blue states becoming "too woke" - do you have direct experience?

Anyway, OP, here's the type of person you can be friends with in your gated community

And no one is ever unreasonable for not wanting to move their life to another country thousands of miles away, leaving parents, friends, etc. These decisions should be made as a partnership because they affect everyone.

again, my experience is old but when we left the country, we were removed from our GP's list. No problem getting put back on again but it was made clear to us that flying home and popping to see a GP was not going to happen. Fortunately for us it was all covered by support from DH's company.

I would be nervous about the gated community aspect too- especially if you’re not religious as I imagine church being a very important social hub.

I also don’t know if gated community means that there is a HOA. I’ve seen videos of Americans complaining about the overbearing ones which would drive me insane.

Houston is a nightmare to get around, especially if you're used to the countryside. My best friend lives there and she hates that you can't walk anywhere, the heat is a nightmare, and the hurricanes and flooding drive her insane. It's very expensive too. Annual leave is virtually non existent in some sectors.

If he'd said Vermont or somewhere, maybe. But Houston isn't an easy place to uproot to, and my friend worries about guns a lot. She's Texan born and bred, but wants out. There's "former" sundown towns super close, and so many vile racist fucks everywhere - look up Vidor. That's just one of them.

Wild horses couldn't drag me to live there; I love the US, but Texas wouldn't be on my radar. I think you need to stick to your guns. The metaphorical ones.

As a trailing spouse, you will not be able to work.

Ensure he has a vasectomy before he goes...no snip, no move.

The real clincher for me would be that if you split you may lose you children. Happened to a family friend. She had actually lived in the US at the start of her marriage and had a child there. Later they came back to UK lived here for around 8 years before her DH got another US position, only this time after a year he decided trade his wife in for a younger model. My friend found herself stuck in the US unable to work and unable to bring her children back to the UK. She ended up returning to the UK alone and after a hard battle 2 of her children were returned to her. By this time they were teens and allowed to have their say in the situation. The youngest however, (male and Dad's favourite) remained in US (still there.) The children are all adult now but have significant problems, including addiction. I'm sure the trauma of the move has been a significant factor in this.

Just to add friend's DH was the last person I could ever imagine acting like he did!

In terms of working, many people have said she is unlikely to have a visa that allows employment so no, she can’t ’work if [she] wants’ - she will be financially dependant on an emotionally abusive husband with her entire support system thousands of miles away. Being a SAHM won’t be a choice, it will be legally required.

Also, while she can ‘come back to the UK any time [she] wants’, her children can be kept in the US by their father.

He needs to be aware that employment rights can be different and it's a very hire and fire and mercenary culture- so he needs to have it in the contract that if it's terminated they pay 6 months etc - because you can end up having to come back on your own dollar if not careful. I have a friend who was exactly in that position- did nothing wrong but company decided they were making cutbacks and got rid of 50% of everyone on over$100k a year- luckily they had to pay him 6 months salary - and he used 3 months in getting back and getting their stuff back at quite short notice and had to wait till it was in his account to do so.

I hate to say this - though from your updates OP it sounds like you know this yourself - but I’m not sure this is destined to be a long happy marriage either way. He belittles your job and contribution, gaslights you, gives you the silent treatment if he doesn’t get his way, and wants to make choices on his own terms only.

If it’s possible you might separate in the next few years anyway, you absolutely don’t want that to happen when you’re trapped in the US, entirely dependent on him, and at risk of losing your kids if he refuses to let you take them home.

Your updates make me wonder how much thought he’s put into things like how much it could would cost to have your baby there. I saw a social media video (so could be false) but 2 days in NICU was $75k.

My main concern would be The Hague Convention.

If you split up for any reason, you will be stuck living in USA unless he agrees to you taking the DC back to UK with you. No way would I put myself in that vulnerable position.

He wants to live in Texas, off he fucks.

No way. This may be all benefit for your husband - better pay, new colleagues, exciting move etc etc, but it is obviously all loss for you - your job, support network (especially after giving birth), routine, maternity benefits etc. You will likely find yourself somewhere you don't particularly love, isolated and with a new baby and an unsettled older child. For what? Moving to a new country is a massive upheaval and it takes effort to make a new life and friends and all the things that make life worth living. Just no. End of discussion.

I also think he’s lying. International companies don’t shift staff with two week’s notice, that just doesn’t happen.

I’d guess that he has already accepted the job and has been putting off raising it with you because he knows he is unreasonable.