Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

He can go and come home to visit. This is the only way as he is thinking of himself and $$$ and you are thinking of the family. How can he not in the first instance have asked about the package details? He's scared to ask important questions? This should be a decision to be made between you, but he has already decided! He will absolutely resent you if you say no even though all the objections you have are valid. Let him go and you carry on your life here, especially if the position is (at the moment) temporary.

As someone who successfully moved abroad for my husband's job I can say absolutely don't do it. Relocating like this is extremely hard on the whole family and therefore you all need to want it for it to succeed. If you're coerced into going, you'll hate it, it won't work but then you'll be stuck there with your children unable to return unless your husband agrees.

Not read the full thread, it’s probably already been mentioned and I might be talking bollocks. But if you remain a UK citizen, don’t you have to pay tax to the US gov on wages earned there and to the UK gov? Certainly check out the tax implications.

Not to ignore the larger issues, but considering the election is in two weeks, I suspect the OP will know the outcome before their suitcases are packed.

As a pro-choice, liberal, anti-gun American (east coast) my general advice on this is that the US, while not free of issues, the Mumsnet version if life there doesn't much represent the reality. That said, Texas, outside of Austin, wouldn't be my first choice of places to live.

We've done two international moves, one to France and one to London and they've been amazing experiences.

That said, you both really need to be on the same page. If your relationship is already struggling, and it does sound like there are some issues here, I can almost guarantee it will fall apart under the strain. Is there any chance of some couples counselling around making the decision? It doesn't sound like he's a great communicator (or listener).

While I think it can be a great opportunity under the right circumstances, I wouldn't even consider it without know what the package is, what kind of career prospects there might be for you should you want to go back in the next few years, and a trip there for all of you to scout it out.

A private flight with the dog where the dog traveled in the cabin with us was included as part of our package, by the way.

So I was in the USA with two small children and my husband. My kids were born there, the hospitals were amazing. However it got to the point where I wanted to come back and he didn’t, so I had to stay. I couldn’t take the children back to the uk without his consent so I was stuck. I would make sure that could not happen to you - not sure what the rules are in your case.
if your husband is already calling you selfish, I would be careful about putting your career and life on hold for his. You might find you’re in a vulnerable position.
Eventually we came back, but it’s awful living in a country you don’t want to be in and feeling stuck. It breeds resentment in my experience. Good luck with your decision.

^^THIS. 100%.
He’s clearly trying to railroad you into agreement, he doesn’t want to listen to reason or take your feelings into account.
I would tell him he’s welcome to go but you’re staying put. From what I know about working in the USA the stay at home spouse sees little of the husband/wife. A friend of mine returned to the UK after it was clear that she’d only see her husband for a few hours a week - he was expected to be seen playing golf etc with his colleagues on Saturdays and work Sunday afternoons after attending church. He would regularly work during his leave as not doing so was viewed as not being committed to the job.

You couldn't pay me enough to move to Houston. I certainly wouldn't take my children there. He sounds like he's been blindsided by progression and doesn't actually have a firm offer. No I wouldn't go and if it means the end of the marriage, so be it.

This. I absolutely wouldn’t do it for all of those reasons.

Sorry but your husbands behavior is appalling.

You are a partnership and this is a huge deal. He can’t just expect you to move out there with a new baby and just start up again without your normal support, friends and things you are used to. This is cruel.
If you don't want to go, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. He needs to grow up. He is being abusive and behaving like a spoilt brat. He should be thinking about his family first, especially as you are pregnant.

Ive never been to Houston, but we’ve got family there and apparently it’s unbearably hot some of the year and just not a very nice place.

There are also real legal concerns with your children if you should spilt up

Sending love OP

Honestly, I'm in a similar position to you - we have a 3 year old and a baby on the way, a good support network, and both of us working in decent careers. If DH suggested disrupting that and moving abroad, I'd be saying no for all the same reasons you are.

You matter too.

I’d wait until you’re on mat leave/mat pay and agree to try for a year. Although that could be quite lonely with a newborn and toddler so dh would need to be very present.

Exactly.

And it doesn't really make sense financially.
Very back of the envelope calculations:
Current salary £120 000 --> take-hime £6100 per month.
£240 000 --> take home £11 000. I know that US tax system is very different, but for simplicity let's use the UK taxes.

So we are already talking about less than £5 000 a month, assuming the rest is somehow covered but magic package. Which probably would not be covered.

Even after full nursery fees there would be about £1 000 left from your salary. You can't work in the USA --> which makes the gain in your family income less than £4 000 a month. Not even adding to the list your lost pension contribution.

Let's say minus £1 500 a month for the flights home/differences in the cost of living/extra expenses (which is very optimistic). And now we have £2 500 per month left.

£2 500 x 36 = £90 000.

Extra one-off costs of relocation and your dog - let's say £10k. So down to £80 000. Less than £26k per year for misery life. Not worth it absolutely.
And I am sure there is a long list of expenses that I haven't added.

You don't even need to look at the weather, culture and politics. You got your answer - it is not worth it.

It’s a NO.
You can review the position once he gives you all the paperwork and answers to your questions.
Then you can consider it fully and make an informed decision.
It sounds to me like he’s been given an earnings number but doesn’t even know what his net income will be, or the outgoings to be deducted.
What living expenses then come off net income
Legal, social and environmental considerations come next

We moved to the us, over 10 years ago, it was a case of move or be redundant. We are not in Texas but the north east. It was a real culture shock. Yes people are on the surface more friendly, but often didn't want to have a coffee or develop a friendship as I was clearly expat and would be moving on in a few years and they didn't want to spend effort in a friendship that would disappear, according to them.
His type of visa is important as it will affect if you will be able to get a working visa once there. You can't get a drivers license without a SS card and that can take a while.
Does his company have a relocation specialist assigned to you both before and after the move? We only had one before and landing in a foreign country with no one to ask any questions of was very tough.
Do your own research on zillow re property prices and property taxes, Here, they are 10 times the UK council tax.
House and car insurance is way more expensive than in uk.
As are utilities, gas, electric, water.
You will not have a credit rating here, so will need to pay cash for new phones, car leasing is out, also as no credit history, so will need to purchase the cars. You will need to buy new electronic items, so will need to have arranged a credit card with a decent limit with your new bank account.
Standard rental contracts are 2 months up front, sometimes with an extra month as security.
Healthcare is so expensive. We have an excellent Healthcare package through employer, but our out of pocket/deductible each year is still $4k per person.
Kids activities /baby classes are much more expensive.
Although we don't get the same heat as Texas, I also spend a fair bit of jul/August hiding in the a/c.
You will need documentation from husband if you try to leave usa with kids ,without him, stating that he agrees you can leave the country.
It is an experience and my kids are settled and our lifestyle is good, but we have not saved more money living here, and guns/drills i still struggle with.
Nurseries are expensive and don't do the full days, that I was used to in uk. Standard here seems to be 9-3pm and you pay extra for longer than that. Which is often at a different location, so the kids are bussed there.
Most schools bus the kids there and back, but do factor in how long that bus journey actually is, compared to you driving them.
I would be questioning why you would be living in a gated community. Is the area not generally safe? What are the crime stats? Or is it so you have a community pool and club house?

It sounds like you don’t want to move, but I’ll include the following as food for thought.

Though I live in the UK, I grew up in Colorado, and went to Texas a few times. I prefer Austin, but Houston is reasonably OK. There is an amazing foodie culture there which partially comes from ethnic diversity, the art and music scene is decent (partially due to universities there, like the University of Houston and Rice which are very decent schools), compared to a lot of places in the USA, the cost of living is lower. River Oaks and the Heights are good neighbourhoods. You also can explore the American West which IMHO is one of the most majestic places on earth. As the state schools are funded with property tax, living in a decent area will get your kids into a decent school…and the opposite applies.

Bad sites are humidity/heat…you will need air conditioning for sure, it can be a church-based culture depending on the groups you mix with, and US work culture is not as generous with leave. Your DH will work long hours, trust me. The landscape will be a bit of a shock after living in England. THe USA is a car culture…you need to drive. Public transport is generally not great. The US pace of life is faster, but on the other hand there is an optimism and expansiveness in attitude that can be refreshing.

It sounds a little bit more to me that your marriage is not allowing you an equal say, and I’d find that more problematic than the move.

Not sure if these links help: one shows how much tax you’d pay on $400k; the other is a kind of costs worksheet like you see on these ‘shall we emigrate’ tv shows.

https://www.talent.com/tax-calculator?salary=400000&from=year&region=Texas

https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/in/Houston

Not an exact science, but give you a starting point to calculate exactly how much you’d have after healthcare etc has been paid (again, you would actually need the package details from your DH).

Not in a million years
No .he can go on his own ,you can stay in the UK house ,as your not selling it

Given how arse about face the company have approached this so far - 2 weeks to make a decision?! - and the sulky husband who's currently going lalala with his fingers in his ears, I'd stay with the dog and send the husband off if he's so keen. I'd need a seriously good reason - heading into 'life or death' territory - to abandon my pets, not a pouty bottom lipped spouse.

Op, I would try to reframe 'i am being coerced' etc.
Husband could make a post that says he is feeling coerced. Wife absolutely refuses etc.
It's a big decision and one you guys will obv have to sort out, but really, kindly, don't play the victim!

I’m British living in the US - I would never ever move to Texas. Maybe ten years ago but not now in the current political situation. You will hate the weather and Houston is awful. Austin is a little safe haven in Texas but you’d still have to cope with the weather.

I would not move on a spousal visa with small kids away from family and friends.

Hello - I spent 18 years in TX, and found it a really great place to live. It’s very family friendly, the opportunity for early childhood education and sports are great, and you’d be the recipient of some reverse bias because of your accent (assuming it’s an English one!) yes there are guns, but not everyone has or agrees with them. Yes the women’s rights laws are going backward not forward, but you will have private medical insurance and of course, you can come back to the UK anytime you want (loads of direct flights from Houston or Dallas)
I’d embrace it, you can be a stay at home mom if you want, or work if you want. It’s hot as heck in the summer but you’ll have a pool and air conditioning.

good luck with your decision and journey x

TBH I'd consider it - but I'd only move after the baby is born and would want to understand the package properly

Wow.

YANBU

I would be furious if my DH tried to put pressure on me to move to a new country without us both being 100% on the same page. That's too much to ask of someone, it just us.

America?? With their healthcare system and shootings? Texas, where people walk around open carrying? Is he actually insane?

It’s unfair of you to make a decision without even having visited the place!!! This would be the first thing I would ask for.

I have a close friend who ended up moving to Houston with her husbands work and was adamant they would never live in Texas. Things have actually turned out ok!!!!!!

They live in Katy which is a very family friendly part of Houston. Schools are excellent, as is housing and general quality of life. It’s a very “educated” part of Houston where you’re in the minority if you vote Trump. There’s quite a large Mexican and Asian (Chinese) community there too. Schools are strict and high achieving. Sport is MASSIVE there.

It was much better than I was expecting but very sterile. Large housing “estates” (five bedroom detached with pools) which feel a bit Stepford wives BUT there’s a really strong sense of community and lots of families. You have to drive everywhere. Ridiculously hot in the summer. A very high standard of living though. Close to the beaches and Austin for weekends.

I would do it for a couple of years based on my experience of visiting. I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life there though.