Move to US is an option- am I mad?

[Tryingtohelp12]

We’ve had the opportunity to move to the US with my dh job. Are we mad to consider it?
I feel like we are stuck in a bit of a rut and in the future we will regret not taking more risks. we have 2 (about to be 3) children who would be aged 5,2 and newborn.
pros
great for long term career for dh
experience
change
increase standard of living in terms of salary

cons
young children being away from extended family
limit on my ‘career’ as I couldn’t work as we’d have no family support - I’m honestly not super passionate about work
reliant on husband/husbands job

Are we mad for considering it?

That's unusually good for the US!

I'd be on a fence about moving to a red state. But it depends on the city - Nashville could be nice for a couple of years. Memphis - no way.

I would do it, but not before giving birth in the UK.

There've been 54 school shootings in Tennessee alone since 2020. I wouldn't put my kids in school in America for love nor money.

Go! This is the time to do it - while your children are young and you will easily make new friends. Even if it's just for the 2 years, it would be an amazing adventure for you.

I1. You'd be wholly dependent on a man

1. The healthcare system can bankrupt you even with good insurance
2. School shootings
3. Religious fundamentalists
4. No reproductive rights
5. Everyone drives giant cars and thinks it's ok
6. You'd be wholly dependent on a man
7. You'd be wholly dependent on a man

Things change a lot, you know. Even here.

Crap holiday entitlement? I get 5.5 weeks plus 8 public holidays. And I’m not particularly senior.

Shooters - I’ve never been shot, not have I ever shot anyone. And I don’t know anyone who has been shot or who has shot anyone. Of course no one else has ever been shot in the UK…

Women’s rights? Not sure what you are talking about there. I have the same rights as my husband. If you mean abortion, my state allows abortion far later than the UK and Europe does. With no doctor’s consent needed. You want an abortion? Walk into a clinic right now and get one, is how it is here. It doesn’t even cost anything.

Race issues? Like the UK doesn’t have race issues?

Crap food - I’m a good cook. I find the quality of meat and vegetables to be higher here as it’s home grown, we don’t need to import anything. Not even tropical fruits. . I’m sorry your parents couldn’t cook good food for you when they were here. How did they suddenly learn to cook when you moved back to the UK? The food you eat is as good as the food you cook. I hardly think fish fingers are the height of gourmet cuisine.

Healthcare system - you mean you’d rather wait 14 hours for an ambulance or spend the night waiting in the ambulance (if you can get one) waiting for a place in A and E? You think it’s right that doctors and nurses strike? Keep clapping for the good old NHS.

Stereotypical generalizations work both ways.

Why will she be wholly dependent on a man? If he’s being transferred by his company it’s an L visa and spouses of primary L visa holders can work.

OP has already said she isn't permitted to work.

It’s normal. I get 27 plus 8 holidays. In a few years time it will go up to 30 plus holidays. Most people I know yet that.

Then her husband should get the company to pursue an L visa, not an H-1B. H-1B carries a bunch of other risks too.

Such interesting responses thank you all. I think I could work - but my current job I don’t think would exist in the US (anyone know if you can work fully remotely in the us for a uk company? That would be an option but I assume/based on the little I can find online it’s quite complex tax wise). But honestly I think with 3 small children and no network the reality would be fitting work
in would be too stressful. We’re still exploring / getting the finer details re conditions. We know the working pattern would be 4x9hr days and an half day on Friday totalling around 40 hours. It’s not possible to work outside of this due to the secure nature of the work. Which is good as a big concern was an expecting crazy working hours (had the impression 60-80hr weeks were normal in the states but not the case in this job!

I am already financially reliant on my husband. And he is reliant on Me in other ways. We are a team and our relationship is strong and open. He does not believe in divorce (I do if people can’t be happy together). I try not to live too much of my life not making decisions because I’m worried about what ifs (so the what if you separate, school shootings etc) aren’t a deal breaker for me. that may seem naive to some but for me I just can’t go through life assuming the worst all the time.

I’ll keep you all updated when we make a decision 🤞🏻😁😁

@Tryingtohelp12 I work online in the US for a UK company. When I still owned a flat in the UK, which I rented out, I paid tax in the UK on that rental income but all other income was declared and taxed in the US. I still have a bank account in the UK as well as the US because my pensions and small work income are paid in GBP. HSBC has banks on both sides of the Atlantic so I can readily transfer income either way, but all my tax is now declared and paid in the US. I am also an American citizen now. You will need a good accountant if you have any kind of complicated income other than PAYE, as the American tax system is still incomprehensible to me after twenty years.

I might add that here in Maine we have quite a good network of Brits and I'd be surprised if you didn't fine some in Tennessee.

Personally if the package was right I’d be fuck it go for it knowing we could come back.

not a fan of the states but have a brother in Az and friends from the uk who live on Nashville and in Texas they’ve all settled and enjoy it

Would you be in a larger city like Nashville or out in the middle of nowhere? Tennessee would not be my top choice, it's a red state in the deep south. However it is forested and quite pretty. Still, if I were you I'd probably go for it just to experience a different way of life. Unless you think there's a chance he could be offered somewhere much better instead like California.

I'm a bit amused and puzzled by many of the posts on here. I live in the US now as my employer transferred me from Dubai to the US.

I have never seen a gun and no one I know has a gun. The vast majority of gun violence in the US is between black Americans in poor black areas. The vast majority of crime is between poor black Americans. Rural white Trump voters own a lot of guns but don't commit crimes. I am mindful of the occasional random shooting but in a huge country of 330 million people, the odds of that happening to you is next to non-existence.

Tennessee doesn't have the worst schools in the US. I believe typically that is either Louisiana or Mississippi or Alabama. But schools vary hugely within each state. The best schools in Mississippi will be better than most schools in California. Affluent suburbs have great schools regardless of where you are. Poor neighbourhoods have worse schools. Americans also have a large selection of independent and faith schools.

Tennessee is a lovely and quite normal state. If it is Nashville, it is a fun town and booming these days. All sorts of neighbourhoods attracting different types of people. Your budget will dictate what you can afford. More urban neighbourhoods tend to be more progressive.

There are British expats all over the United States. Tennessee alone will have plenty.

There are a lot of social problems in the US and Americans are largely unhappy and bitterly divided, politically, culturally, and socially. Politics is ugly here. I find the extreme partisans on both ends of the political divide to be equally bad and ugly and crazy. I came to the US expecting Trump voters to be awful people but most are perfectly normal people while there's plenty of really crazy leftwing Americans. Urban areas are struggling with rising crime because of soft on crime politicians. But most Americans are also quite friendly and with young children it's easy to meet other mums and children. Suburbs are quite comfortable and easy to live in and safe, but you will drive everywhere. Supermarkets are different. There's nothing like M&S or Waitrose's prepared foods, but on the other hand, the nice supermarkets can be really great, like Whole Foods or Wegmans. You just adjust to the slightly different offerings.

Two years is not a long time. It will go by in a flash. I spent 11 years in Dubai and now four years in the US! Seems like your husband's employer is offering a generous package with two return flights a year. If the healthcare is good, I'd go for it.

So many stereotype. I’ve lived in the US almost 20 years and have never seen anyone with a gun even on trips to Texas. I have 32 total vacation days and drive an electric car which is small. My company also offers health plans that are affordable even for minimum wage employees and that cover almost everything and allow easy quick access to specialists (as opposed to my sister in the UK who had to wait a year to see a dermatologist!) The food is what you make it, plenty of affordable options to but fresh food to make yourself (Trader Joe’s, Aldi and even Walmart). You don’t have to eat processed crap, so much produce is grown in the US so are often way fresher than in the UK. I have also always lived in safe areas, I am in CA now and despite the headlines it is still far from a crime ridden cesspit, the media harp on the same old things and twist the truth. I would live in Nashville for a couple of years no question, it is a great city with a lot going on and good schools.

Definitely go! We lived in the USA for a few years and the travel, weather and lifestyle was amazing. Such an amazing experience you are unlikely to regret- two years is short.

Nice to see a few balanced posts here.

OP, the things you need to make sure of are:
1 - Health insurance that has a very low annual deductible for individuals and family as a whole, and that has a low or no co-pay, and a high payout rate (over 80%) with a low maximum out of pocket expense limit.

Be sure you understand the terms used in health insurance policies:
https://international.iupui.edu/indianapolis/health-insurance/glossary.html

2 - Whatever city you end up in. look carefully at schools. Schools are organised by District, and boundaries are strictly enforced in most cases. In general, better off areas have better schools (due to the way public schools are funded). Research schools carefully.
Public schools are obliged to accept all students residing within their boundaries, so you won't end up with the sort of lottery system operating in many areas of the UK.
You will be required to show that you live within the boundary of the District, however. Registering a child for school usually requires proof of residency (your annual lease agreement if renting, driver's license showing picture ID and address, mortgage documents if applicable, mail from a bank / CC issuer showing your name and address, or mail from (for example) the Secretary of State's office wrt driver's license - official mail at any rate, and child's birth cert). There is sometimes a reasonable/ small registration fee. Be prepared for a minor kerfuffle when you present a foreign birth cert

Private schools don't require proof of catchment residency. They will need a birth cert, and you will pay tuition. Private schools can be independent/non sectarian (like Montessori), or can be run by organised religions (RC, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Jewish). Many offer wrap around care, which public schools don't often do.

Preschools are often found in private schools, but you can also find preschool offerings run by local parks and rec departments, YMCAs, and community organisations.

3 - Your children will need to have Tennessee-mandated vaccinations done prior to attending school. You will need to find a pediatrician strictly for the children or family practice doctor (who would see the whole family) as a matter of priority. Children do annual well-child exams in the US in most states. Children are also often required to do an annual dental exam and present proof of this to school. You can look up whether TN has these requirements.

Since your DH works in an industry of a "secure" nature, I suspect you are not necessarily looking at Nashville or Memphis (though I may be wrong). There are nice places to live in every state; don't be put off by smaller towns as long as you're not looking at a very run-down, rural dot-on-the-map deep in the mountains.

I've never seen anyone carrying a gun in the US apart from police officers. My DCs have all done tornado and fire drills in school, as well as lockdown drills. They've taken it all in stride. We've done fire and tornado planning at home too as we are in an apartment.

The cost of living will definitely not swallow up most of any pay increase your husband gets. This is the weekly ad of a pricier/fancier supermarket in the SW Nashville burbs:
https://www.publix.com/savings/weekly-ad?aid=1_hp_mg_mb_weeklyad_savings
Just as you would in the UK, you can take advantage of sales, BOGOs, and use your freezer.

I live in the US (New England) and definitely wouldn't move to Tennessee but at your age, OP, for 2 years it could be a really interesting experience.

The only real concern I would have is Tennessee's abortion restrictions - these laws impact medical care for any woman of childbearing years - not just those seeking an abortion. Think really carefully about that. Will your health insurance cover out of state care.

As well, Tennessee doesn't border any "safe" states, which is a further complication.

As for the rest: I have seen people carrying guns in public. Not where I live (DC suburbs) but further south and also in rural Pennsylvania. There's been an uptick, honestly.

Holiday: People bang on about "2 weeks" but it's much more complicated. If you are 22 years old and starting from scratch in a salaried job you will likely get 2 weeks. You earn more with seniority, and when negotiating a new job offer, would ask for more. DH's job has gone to a "combined time off" system so his days are a lot, over 30, but they're for everything. Some places have "unlimited" which is a bit dodgy because you're just somehow expected to know and it's down to your manager to approve it. And then there's people in hourly jobs that officially have no paid time at all. (Some do some don't.) The average is meaningless.

What is worth noting is that at many companies it's frowned on to take more than a week in one go and at some there's pressure to not even do that. (This is usually in high end finance or tech.) In some jobs, you'll find people who have loads of PTO on paper but never take any.

Food wise it's about learning how to shop as much as anything. There's a lot of politics tied up in all the stories about chlorinated chicken and GMOs. You will pay for higher quality food and supermarkets aren't as competitive price-wise; also I find the major chains like Safeway and Kroger to be exceedingly mediocre. There are regional chains like Publix and Wegmans that are better. I've developed quite a taste for American food honestly, even some of the concoctions that would horrify most British people like the strawberry pretzel "salad" that turns up at potlucks and cookouts. (A friend taught me that it's slightly less horrifying if you make it with fresh strawberries and use cream instead of Cool Whip.)

Crunch some numbers - the increase in salary may well be negated by a much higher cost of living. I paid $6 for a loaf of bread yesterday and $7.99 for a 4 pack of giant cookies, a single apple was $1.89 (Target).

In general, OP, I think these sorts of adventures for a few years are well worth it, if only so you can say you’ve done it.

But with young children, especially one who will be a babe in arms, I would caution against it. It’s an isolating time for many women even when they don’t move. But going to another country when you take your brood from two (the number of hands you have) to three, all really young and in need of attention just does not seem like the right time. You won’t just be losing family support, you’ll be going somewhere you don’t know the system and have no friends to help and, since you won’t be working, you won’t have immediate access to a group of peers to make friends with. I think it would be a huge strain on you as a family and on your relationships and it will almost certainly be you that pays the price.

If you decide to go for it anyway, cost of living and especially the schooling issue does need some scrutiny - looking carefully at whether the salary will really support a family of 5 in a district with a school you find acceptable (or cover private fees). And if you’re coming back to the UK after a few years you will probably need to consider how you’re going to get him to catch up (as standards in even the best US states aren’t as high as the UK, and Tennessee is not one of the best US states). But there is a lot to be gained from trying a different country. It really broadens your understanding of life.

I just checked my grocery app (using in store prices, not delivery). Apples are either $1.99 or $2.69/lb depending on variety. Bread is $1.29 (giant cheap squishy store brand white), $4.49 (Pepperidge Farm white), or $5.00 (bakery counter). But yes grocery prices are higher. Larger houses will mean more heating and cooling costs. Having to drive means more fuel (offset by cheaper price, but do your math).

Tennessee has the dubious distinction of being one of the few states that charge sales tax on groceries.

My shopping prices in Maine are closer to @knitnerd90's than @QuizzlyBears . Target wouldn't be my go-to place for food shopping but I guess it depends where you live.