Move to US is an option- am I mad?

[Tryingtohelp12]

We’ve had the opportunity to move to the US with my dh job. Are we mad to consider it?
I feel like we are stuck in a bit of a rut and in the future we will regret not taking more risks. we have 2 (about to be 3) children who would be aged 5,2 and newborn.
pros
great for long term career for dh
experience
change
increase standard of living in terms of salary

cons
young children being away from extended family
limit on my ‘career’ as I couldn’t work as we’d have no family support - I’m honestly not super passionate about work
reliant on husband/husbands job

Are we mad for considering it?

Yep, I’d go and did just that. We went in with the idea that we could have a brilliant three years and make the most of the time we were in the US and then come home if it wasn’t for us. As it was, we love it, stayed and are now citizens.

Life is too short to just bumble along without pushing ourselves out of our boxes sometimes.

Ok, so I can’t comment on Tennessee specifically but others have raised the things that come to mind eg. School district, red state, healthcare. But I know Nashville is having a bit of a moment so that could be worth exploring.

As a PP pointed out communities are often based around religion. If you lean in that direction, and even embrace it, it might work well for you: instant network, an extended “family” and some support.

In my experience, Americans are very welcoming, at worst in a benignly superficial way (which is actually great) and at best, a genuine sense of community.

In your circumstances, if you are used to having family support, that’s probably something you’d need to consider carefully. How would you cope if it was only superficial?

you haven’t mentioned visa type - also worth saying as there are a lot of people on here that can offer good advice.

Oh, if you think you may want to return, always negotiate repatriation costs to be covered!!

Whereabouts in Tennessee? (I live in Western NC over the mountains next door). It has a very high sales tax on everything (7%) but low property taxes. My impression of it is that it's v. Republican and increasingly so, but on balance, I'd say try it for 2 years and if you really hate it, you'll have had an adventure.

For 2 years whilst the kids are this young I'd probably give it a go. Worst that can happen is you realise how much you love living in the UK/near family. 2 years is not that long.

I'd research the shit out of the area if visiting first is not an option.

Oooh, I would relocate to somewhere like Nashville if I had the chance - lots of indie celebs live there (Kings of Leon, Jack White, Karen Elson) etc.

If you have healthcare and the flight home guaranteed, I would absolutely give it a go. The children are young. If you have a happy and stable marriage where its understood the husbands salary is EVERYONES money, that you have full access to, I would absolutely go.

I dont know if I would if I had to keep asking for money or was given an allowance though.

Just one note of caution. If you move there, and six or twelve months in your relationship goes tits up or you hate it, you would not be able to bring your kids back to the UK without your husband’s agreement. I know it’s not something any of us want to think about, but I’ve worked in this area and seen too many women in dire circumstances that they didn’t even know were possible. Not working makes you vulnerable in the UK, it’ll make you even more vulnerable when you’re reliant on your husband for your visa and have no close support. I’m not saying don’t go, just be aware of what can happen.

Other than that… in theory I’d go for it. Be really, really clear between you what the long term plan is. Perhaps agree that either of you can call an end to the move at the two year point, even if the other wants to stay. Having young children is a good time to move, once they reach about 12 things get much more difficult with education.

It also depends massively on exact location, schools, etc. Salaries are much higher in the US but so is the cost of living. The only part of Tennessee I’ve been to was Memphis - brilliant to visit but definitely felt very unsafe in parts. Guns will be part of your day to day life (no permit required to carry a handgun in public), your oldest will have shooter drills in school, etc.

I'd go OP. We tend to regret the things we don't do, as opposed to the ones we do. As long as you and your DH have a solid relationship and are in agreement about how long this is for your DC are young enough that it should be an adventure. And with flights home x2 per year you could home for a month in the summer when it's stinking hot.

MN isn't a very US-friendly board, so expect a lot of dissuasion along the lines of active shooter drills, gun-toting neighbours and the cost of medical insurance. Just make sure you've got a good package with your DH's employer that includes decent medical insurance for the whole family. And don't worry about your family - they'll come and visit and you'll visit them. Honestly, when we lived in the US I saw more of my family than I have since we moved back, because they'd come for 1-2 weeks and we'd go out and do things and have real quality time together. Go and have an adventure.

The higher salary might not necessarily mean more money in your savings at the end of the two years. The cost of living is very very high in the US - things like produce that we take for granted as being very cheap here in the UK (basic vegetables etc) can be astonishingly expensive there. Your weekly shop is going to be two or three times what it is here. And although income tax is very low, their equivalent of council tax AMPLY makes up for it, depending on your neighbourhood.

Be really sure about what the COL will actually be, before the high-seeming salary lures you over.

I also cannot emphasise enough how vastly different the culture can be. It would almost be easier if they spoke another language, becuase the fact that they speak English makes you assume it'll be similar, but if you are in a red state like Tennessee it's like a different planet, culturally.

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/book-bans-target-publishers

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/book-ban-attempts-reach-record-high-in-2022-american-library-association-report-says

Are you comfortable with your kids going to a school that casually bans perfectly normal books because somebody has decided that Harry Potter is satanic etc.?

Absolutely go!

We had the opportunity to live in Texas so we rented out our house and off we went.

We really enjoyed our time there. Used it as a base to explore the US. We had a great package and I could work so that helped. We knew it wasn’t forever and our parents were younger then so flew out to visit. We left when dc were still primary school age. Been on another, more challenging posting since then. As a family we've loved living overseas. Back in uk now till next summer.

100% I would go. You might not get another opportunity like this and you only live once.

Are you planning on having any further pregnancies?

Tennessee is a state that has completely banned abortions, there’s an ongoing debate about how close to death a pregnant women would need to be in order for an abortion to be performed in a situation where this would save her life.

I’d also be worried about the medical care that may be available in case of a miscarriage.

Generally with kids they age of yours I’d probably give it a go, we’re Christian though and would hopefully be able to find a church that suits us out there and socialise through that.

I would be very concerned about their hard line on abortions though, I wouldn’t move there if I had teenage kids. I would also definitely wait until after you give birth. In addition to the abortion ban the US has quite a different approach to birth generally though it depends if being in a very medicalised environment bothers you.

Oh also, if the child you are carrying now is born there, they are automatically a US citizen, whether they like it or not, and undoing it later is difficult and expensive (but very desirable if they don't want to submit tax returns there for the rest of their lives!).

This is a really good point.

And it's not just about tax returns, you can end up with huge tax bills as the tax treaty only applies to taxes which are the same in both countries. So for example you can end up owing US tax on capital gains on the sale of your primary residence even if that residence is in the UK.

See Boris Johnson's issues with US tax as an example

https://www.artiopartners.com/renounce/boris-johnson-pays-irs-tax-bill/

What salary would your DH be on? Details of package are important! I lived in the UK for 15 years, moved back when DC was born with DH (not British). I live in a liberal west coast city and no way could I stomach Tennessee politics, but that’s a gut reaction not based on anything from living there.

Our family costs: $600/month for very good health insurance for 3, this would not increase for additional children. DH and I both get about 30 days/year between holiday and public holidays. DC preschool is $24k/year for mostly year round care, this is standard for our city. Tennessee is probably cheaper.

Not having family to rely on would likely mean you will end up paying for help more with three kids so would think about that. Our cleaner is around $200 every 2 weeks to clean a 4 bed house, nanny/babysitters are around $30/hour.

DC gymnastics is around $130/month, swimming lessons are $100/8 week session. After school care here is $400-$800/month.

We spend around $1200/month on groceries but do shop at one of the more expensive grocery options (similar to Waitrose).

I wouldn't go to Tennessee (I actually live in Maine). It has the worst schools in the country, and being a relatively poor state I think that might affect healthcare too (I'm assuming dh's job offer comes with good health insurance benefits). God help you if you need any kind of reproductive health care. Also it's stiflingly hot in the summer so you may spend a lot of time in air conditioning. Also remember that many American employees get two weeks annual vacation at the most, so you will be spending a lot of time on your own with the kids in the long summer vacation (our schools in Maine have just broken up for the summer and they don't go back until the beginning of September). You will need to drive and have your own car as there is no reliable public transport except in some big cities. In some southern states and particularly in small towns (no idea about Tennessee) much of the social life revolves around the church, which may or may not suit you.

I live in Tennessee and have done for many years. I dislike Memphis, Knoxville is a fun college town, Chattanooga is boring but Nashville is fabulous.
If you're going to Nashville, the Southern suburbs have some of the best public schools in the Country and Nashville itself has some of the best private schools you'll find anywhere.
I don't go to church and not one single person has ever asked me where I go to church or criticized me for not going.
It's very easy to make friends here, especially as you have young children. You'll soon meet people though kids schools and sports.
I'm a SAHM but DH's holiday allowance is 30 days and that's normal at executive level which I assume you're at if your employer is offering to fund a transfer.
Trump / Biden has zero effect on my live, I've never seen a gun outside of a gun store, I guess if I had a teenage DD then I'd have to think about the abortion laws but I'd just taken them to another State if needed.
Happy to answer more Nashville related questions, I'm less familiar with the other cities but will try my best!

I would not relish Tennessee myself. The state government is bonkers. And as for the good schools in the suburbs, there was a massive fuss in Williamson County. Nashville is fun to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.

Tennessee still allows spanking of kids in schools...you'd need to check your districts policy.

DH was headhunted for a post in the US 10 years ago. He was very excited and wanted to go.
However when I crunched the numbers we would have been so badly off with what they offered in the state it was.
We needed 2 cars and school nursery was expensive (and free here). I couldn’t work. I remember the recruiter telling me I could go to college and do some courses - I looked it up, it was a fortune. I knew I would be bored stiff.
I think he was offered 20-22 days holiday. The main reason I didn’t want to do it is I knew we would have to use at least 10 days going to DHs family and they would never come to us.

@BackToWhereItAllBegan is that 30 days including BHs though?

I get 32 plus 8 BHs in the UK

"I've never seen a gun outside of a gun store"

Really? We were only there 9 days and saw several men with them just going about their day to day lives. Nowhere else on our trip but in Tennessee, yes.

Whereabouts in Tennessee OP?

@Everydayitsgettingcloser yes, 30 plus bank holidays, and Juneteenth was declared a bank holiday recently so that's one more day off now.