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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

Dissatisfied by expat life

135 replies

Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 05:24

Our family lives in Asia as an expat, and I'm increasingly feeling that this isn't good in the long run. I wonder if I'm "wasting away" through lack of social contact, career opportunities and all the other things that add to a full life (hence my username).

To give a sense of our situation, I'll provide some background. DH, our two children, and I moved to Asia through his work. Prior to this, we spent five years living in Norway, also through DH's work. DH is German and I'm British, and he works for a big multi-national (albeit one headquartered in Germany). Materially we have a good life (free housing, good salary, schooling paid for, and we have built up a good financial buffer), but I feel like I may regret this in the long-run.

I knew when I got together with DH that this career was his dream, and to begin with, it was exciting. I met him in Germany, and I'm not averse to travel and seeing the world. There have been good things about being in Norway and now Asia, with some travel (which is now easier after Covid), so I don't want to knock it all.

I've been able to get remote work (I'm not allowed to work in the country) which also is quite interesting. I don't really have progression with it, but I can use to my technical skills to some extent. But I see former colleagues and friends getting promotions, and I can't help feel jealous.

DH can go into the office and meet with his German colleagues, will visit factories of suppliers around the country and has a demanding life. I on the other hand, work at home, and while I do things like go to the gym, or take my laptop to a cafe to do some work, I feel very isolated. Because of my remote work, I end up working late hours to have meetings after the children have gone to bed.

The other problem is that after our posting, the plan would be to go back to Germany, where I'd still be a foreigner. Living overseas, I don't get an opportunity to really practice German at any great level, and I don't feel I'm integrating or building a network in Germany. I feel at this rate, I'll always be an outsider, a ghost, whether I'm in Germany, or on another posting.

I look at British expat groups, but it seems very much about wives going for cocktails in the middle of the day (sorry if that seems unfair), and that's not me. I have technical skills.

I love my DH, I value his career, I realise it's important to him, but with all this, I also feel a little distant from his. We have two very different experiences of our expat life, and I don't know if I can do this for another 20-30 years.

Are there positive steps I can take to change my mindset, or is the problem simply too great? I wanted to post here because I think in AIBU/Chat, I'd get responses of "go home", but here, there are people who have lived the expat life, and like me, do see the benefits and drawbacks.

OP posts:
Dontbotherwithvalldemossa · 20/04/2023 06:07

Why say ‘expat’, not ‘immigrant’?

Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:12

Because we're expats. As I understand the distinction, an immigrant is someone who permanently (or long-term) settles in a foreign country, whereas an expat is someone who is on a fixed-term posting.

OP posts:
bert3400 · 20/04/2023 06:13

I'm an Expat in Europe who also works remotely. Both DH and myself WFH together. We both knew before moving here, it would entail putting ourselves out there to meet new people similar to us . I got involved with a big outdoor gym group, took lessons in the local language and also picked up a brand new sport which I'm now totally addicted to. This as enabled me to meet a massive group of like minded people going through similar experiences as us. I also tried cooking classes, martial arts class and a hiking group. Sometimes it takes lateral thinking and trying something new to have a light bulb moment. SM is a fantastic for connecting with people but you have to be a little bit brave

Connebert · 20/04/2023 06:17

I have had the same experience but not in an Asian country (more like Germany). I found mindset changes forced and impossible to keep up, so I started to change my situation slowly once the kids got a bit older. It has been a long slog.

PotKettel · 20/04/2023 06:18

@Dontbotherwithvalldemossa maybe because she is moving due to non-permanent multinational (albeit partner’s) career assignments, and they fall in a peculiarly privileged bucket with a whole set of lifestyle trappings (what other immigrant gets free schooling and housing?)

OP I can’t really advise I’m sorry as limited experience. All I’d say is, you CAN cultivate lasting and meaningful friendships whilst moving around the world but it isn’t easy.

I would definitely be tackling the German language thing now. Get yourself in an online language school and watch German streamed TV. Germany is a great country and you can happily spend later life there. my brother is a naturalised German and I can cheerfully tell you they are friendly, chilled out and you won’t struggle there.

Also MAKE SURE your dh is topping up pension and savings assets in your name. Not just in his name. If marriage goes tits up, without having contributed to national pension schemes in Europe you would find later life hard.

Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:19

@Connebert , what do you mean, change your situation?

@bert3400 do you plan to be in Europe for a long period?

OP posts:
Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:21

Also MAKE SURE your dh is topping up pension and savings assets in your name. Not just in his name. If marriage goes tits up, without having contributed to national pension schemes in Europe you would find later life hard.

This is a good point. We have savings in our name, I pay a NI voluntary contribution, and we have a stocks/shares portfolio, but I worry about the pension. I'm not entitled to a german pension, which bothers me a bit.

German language I think is important and a good recommendation.

OP posts:
Connebert · 20/04/2023 06:21

Everything PotKettle said. I starten by learning the language and taking the exams. Then I went back to university to qualify so I could work.

TomeTome · 20/04/2023 06:21

How long are you there for?

ShandyQuaffer · 20/04/2023 06:23

I’ve been an expat in your position, albeit in a European country. Based on what you’ve says, I’m afraid it does sound as if making a plan to come home at some point is the solution. You sound bored and isolated. It also sounds like your work isn’t fulfilling enough, you’re keeping your hand in enough to pick up your career later but with no actual plans to do so. Your husband’s experience is completely different- not only does he have a much more interesting and engaging job, but also the whole series of moves has been in furtherance of his career and at the expense of yours.

What longer term plans have you discussed? Does your husband anticipate this lifestyle continuing indefinitely or will you come home at some point? If the former, you’re effectively giving up your career as you saw it- is this something you can make peace with? (I’m not being dismissive of your current work but it doesn’t sound as if it’s fulfilling you in the way you would like- it’s a job rather than a career.)

Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:24

So we're here for maybe three more years, then germany.

German is important - I guess the motivation is difficult when you don't live in a german speaking country. I should see if I can find a teacher.

OP posts:
Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:26

@ShandyQuaffer , "keeping my hand in" is a good way of putting it. I feel as if I'm treading water, but not actively enjoying it as I should. The problem is that long-term, the plan was that my DH keep doing this job and occasionally moving for his work.

OP posts:
Longwhiskers · 20/04/2023 06:27

What are your interests? My parents were long term expats around the world but hated the cocktails/brunches side of things so avoided it. They were really into local history, natural environment and archeology so got deeply involved in that wherever they were - arranging talks, events, trips outside the capital city. They also sailed. I guess if you are going to stay for more years you need to pursue your own interests that you would have anyway and meet people that way? Is there no way you can get permission to work? Or perhaps study online for a further degree or something to fulfill the intellectual side?

AbsoIutelyLovely · 20/04/2023 06:28

Dontbotherwithvalldemossa · 20/04/2023 06:07

Why say ‘expat’, not ‘immigrant’?

Do you honestly not know the difference 😂

ShandyQuaffer · 20/04/2023 06:30

What’s his English like? Do you actually want to live in Germany? It’s not clear to me why his career is taking precedence to such an extent.

Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:31

Permission to work is almost 0% (didn't want to give it away, but we're in China).

History is a passion, but my hobbies are quite introverted (reading and individual sports, rather than team sports).

Studying could be an option.

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 20/04/2023 06:36

Dontbotherwithvalldemossa · 20/04/2023 06:07

Why say ‘expat’, not ‘immigrant’?

Because there a bit different between an expat and an immigrant even though we now try to claim no difference in the name of wokeness.

An expat is usually transferred there for work or there temporarily for work while an immigrant moves to start a new permanent life.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 20/04/2023 06:36

OP no real advice but it gets fucking exhausting always being the stranger. Being the trailing spouse is bloody awful at times too. I felt like this: in the end we decided to come back to the UK because we didn’t want to raise third culture kids without a sense of identity. I’ve never fitted in anywhere. Ever. My dad was raised in the Middle East and I was europ-America and it’s hard not to feel rootless even if life is exciting.

You seem very much like an accessory to your husbands career. When do you get to call the shots? I was so happy when I got back to the uk and was able to go to work rather than remotely and actually make some friends.

Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:39

AbsoIutelyLovely · 20/04/2023 06:36

OP no real advice but it gets fucking exhausting always being the stranger. Being the trailing spouse is bloody awful at times too. I felt like this: in the end we decided to come back to the UK because we didn’t want to raise third culture kids without a sense of identity. I’ve never fitted in anywhere. Ever. My dad was raised in the Middle East and I was europ-America and it’s hard not to feel rootless even if life is exciting.

You seem very much like an accessory to your husbands career. When do you get to call the shots? I was so happy when I got back to the uk and was able to go to work rather than remotely and actually make some friends.

This is what worries me - that I'll always be a stranger and will at some point wake up and realise I've wasted 20 years.

That said, I do want to see if I can see the positives and make this work. What makes it more complicated is my role as an "double-expat". I'm an immigrant to Germany who's become an expat in Asia.

DH speaks English fluently and he could work in the UK, but then he'd be a foreigner.

OP posts:
ShandyQuaffer · 20/04/2023 06:43

DH speaks English fluently and he could work in the UK, but then he'd be a foreigner.

Sounds like he’d have a much easier time in the UK than you’d have in Germany. Is there a reason you are discounting this option?

Original poster
Froginboilingwater · 20/04/2023 06:45

I suppose because at least for now, he's on a good career path that he's worked hard for, and it would be a big ask for him to give this up (I don't say he wouldn't, but it's a big ask)

OP posts:
StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 20/04/2023 06:46

I have been where you are. I was able to get some local work part time, but also found a volunteering cause that I was passionate about (animal rescue). Those largely set up and run by expats are often crying out for help as there's such a churn of people. It helped me establish my own group of friends and contacts.

dottiedodah · 20/04/2023 06:49

I think you have made many sacrifices here.Maybe have a chat with DH and make a plan to come home at some stage. Its interesting how an ex pat life can seem so glamourous but has its downsides as well.You matter too!

useitorlose · 20/04/2023 06:50

Could you and DH switch to speaking German at home to bring on your language skills more quickly? Are your DC learning German already? Even if they're in an English medium school now, they're going to need it.

Can you work or volunteer in their school, even in a role unrelated to yours? I appreciate that doesn't further your career development.

Utahthecat · 20/04/2023 06:52

Is there a Goethe Institute where you are? Perhaps it would help in preparing for a move to Germany as well as being a way to meet new people, especially if you are into history and culture?