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Living overseas

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Original poster

Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

253 replies

coco123456789 · 24/01/2020 19:43

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

OP posts:
LillianGish · 31/01/2020 22:51

how are we defining 'selfishness' for the purposes of this thread? The OP wants to know if she would be being selfish to move away from her parents to Australia or is she being selfish by depriving her DH of his dream. My definition of being selfish would be doing what you want to regardless of the feelings of others - in this case the OP doesn't know what she wants to do. Australia is his dream. I think it's quite a big ask to ask your partner to give up everything move lock, stock and barrel to the other side of the world - I don't think it's at all unusual to have qualms about leaving ageing parents, particularly if you have a good relationship with them nor about leaving your support network when you have young children. I think it's wrong for your parents to try and put pressure on you, but quite a different scenario if you feel you don't want to be so far away from them because you will miss them - particularly if you feel there's not much in the posting for you. I don't feel the OP's DH has done much to really enthuse her about his dream - it's not something they seem to share.

chatwoo · 02/02/2020 05:34

@LarryDuff using Wanted Down Under as a credible reason not to move, is laughable. If someone on that show, moved to Melbourne and lived there happily ever after, and lived a delightful life, it wouldn't exactly make for "exciting" viewing.

Plenty of people have moved from UK to Australia, didn't get paid to be on TV, and are living in their chosen town or city, very happily!

Casino218 · 02/02/2020 06:00

It's a win win. You get to keep your house here and live there. Ignore the parents. They made their choices. You have to make yours.

Casino218 · 02/02/2020 06:04

Also you sound like you are carrying some of your family. Just because you have the kids and your sister doesn't does not mean you must limit your choices. They need to live their own lives.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 06/02/2020 13:45

Thanks for everyone’s input on this. I think I feel guilt - I quite want to go but I feel like that is destroying the kids lives potentially. Certainly my parents and family will be devastated but as others have said I do need to put my nuclear family first. I feel like I am choosing between my husband, my kids and my family. And if we go then I am putting my husband first. Shouldn’t I put my kids first? But then of course they don’t know anything about it so may not even hate the idea, hard to know! I always just thought life was about getting a house, getting a job and then pootling along until you retire. This seems such a crazy thing to do. My daughter is year 4 and most of her friends are being heavily tutored for 11+. By taking her abroad and doing goodness knows what to her education and emotional stability am I destroying her life? Just so much guilt.

OP posts:
MintySpud · 06/02/2020 14:16

They won't be "devastated." They are laying it on thick to control you.

Mintjulia · 06/02/2020 14:21

It’s your life, not your parents’ Don’t let them hold you back.

Abraid2 · 06/02/2020 14:31

Hmmn, I've spent the last year as sole child left in the country at a time when my father was dying and my mother diagnosed with an incurable and excruciating cancer. My brother flew over three times from Australia in ten months. Frankly, it has been awful for him and for my parents. On two of the occasions he flew over he didn't know whether my father would be alive when he arrived.

It was unbelievably stressful for them all. Nobody was being selfish but it was very, very hard.

hairquestions2019 · 06/02/2020 14:44

What are your plans for secondary education op? If your dd is yr 4, you'd normally be applying in yr 6 for entry the following September, and one issue is that (I think) you have to be living at the address in order to apply for the nearby state schools - as far as I know "we'll be returning in September' isn't enough, but others (and the local authority) may be able to advise? Not sure if you can take the 11 plus for grammar schools if you're not currently resident in the UK - again, you might want to check.

I can't remember if it's 2 or 3 yrs you're planning to go for, but is there's a possibility you'll be returning in yr 7 or 8 and then asking the local authority for whatever place is available? That can be a less than ideal situation.

If you were thinking more of private then you might want to enquire what facilities the schools have to take the entrance exams/interview from abroad?
Appreciate I am sounding more wet blankety than some posters but it's really only 18 months away that you'd normally be applying for secondary school. It might even be worth starting a different thread focusing on the 'schools for returners' issue, to sound out whether it's likely to be a problem or not.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 06/02/2020 14:45

@Abraid2 - that’s what worries me. What if we go and one of our parents gets cancer?

OP posts:
Blimeyoreilly2020 · 06/02/2020 14:49

If one of your parents become ill then you re-evaluate and accommodate that situation when it actually arises. You can’t predict the future but what you can do is grab an opportunity & give it a go - if you get there and hate it then DH starts looking for something back in the UK....

Original poster
coco123456789 · 06/02/2020 14:49

Thanks - I spoke to an education consultant who said that private schools wise you want to start before year 9. We are in London and so people come and go from school all the time. I don’t know our secondary plan really. I don’t want my daughter tutored like mad or put through the grammar exams where there are over 100 applicants per space. Good idea about schools for returners post. Guess it very much depends where you live and the capacity of local schools.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 06/02/2020 14:52

I feel like that is destroying the kids lives potentially

Australian children aren't some terrible, downtrodden lot! I'd think an outdoorsy lifestyle free from the pressures of the fucking 11+ at 8 years old might be the opposite of destroying the kids lives.

Anything might happen. But you make decisions based on the information you have at the time. Right now, your parents are well, your children are young enough to adapt easily, and your husband has a dream job on the table.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 06/02/2020 14:54

The other thing to bear in mind is, as you’ve said previously, you’re only anticipating 3 years max....I know it can seem forever but it’s really not that long in the grand scheme!!

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 06/02/2020 14:57

Great idea to speak to the education consultant. Do bear in mind children come and go from schools at all ages - this doesn’t mean they miss out (I’d think the experience of living in Oz for 3 years is more of a gain!)

Original poster
coco123456789 · 06/02/2020 14:58

@nosquirrls - you sound like my husband. His point is that right now we can actually go, everyone (as far as we know) is fit and well, able to fly, have the money and time to visit. He says if someone gets ill he wants to come home. Both our parents nursed their own parents when they were elderly and we would want to do the same. It’s hard as all my grandparents lived till 85 so I just assume that people will live that long. But I guess you never know. Any of us could get ill tomorrow

OP posts:
hairquestions2019 · 06/02/2020 15:27

"Great idea to speak to the education consultant. Do bear in mind children come and go from schools at all ages - this doesn’t mean they miss out"

Yes, I am just thinking of what in practice happens if you return at age 11 half way through yr 7, or beginning of yr 8 (if it's 3 yrs away). OP, it sounds as though you aren't going to be going for the ultra selective schools, which may mean occasional places are more likely to arise anyway in some private schools. As you say it depends on your area - why not call the local authority to see how things look at the moment for 'out of sync returners', (while bearing in mind that they will not be the same in 3 years time!)

Original poster
coco123456789 · 06/02/2020 16:45

Definitely not going ultra selective. DH and I both went that route and I honestly think there is more to life - the world is changing massively. Who knows what jobs people will do in 10 years time and what will qualify them for it!

OP posts:
HoldMyLobster · 06/02/2020 20:39

My daughter is year 4 and most of her friends are being heavily tutored for 11+. By taking her abroad and doing goodness knows what to her education and emotional stability am I destroying her life? Just so much guilt

One of the best things I ever did was take my kids out of that UK system where you have to be tutored for the 11+ so that you can get into an OK school.

Instead they've had an excellent education at our local high school, which they got into by the simple method of living in the town.

I'm so glad we don't have to deal with the UK system any more - catchment areas, 11+ exams, all that.

Their lives have been whatever the opposite is of 'destroyed'.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 06/02/2020 20:53

I don't think you would be destroying your children's lives at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Being exposed to a different way of life, different culture, different food etc is such a wonderful thing. It creates open mindedness and a sense of adventure. Schooling is only one side of education.

SnowsInWater · 07/02/2020 00:03

If you are only coming for a few years I would definitely go private with schooling, there are a lot of affordable options here and even the most expensive schools are about half the price of the UK (at current exchange rates). Private schools can also be more flexible around things like which year group a child joins and holidays in term time to visit overseas family. One of my favourite things about living in Aus is that kids seem to stay kids longer here, it is a great place to raise children.

sunbunnydownunder · 07/02/2020 04:55

My 3 kids have an amazing lifestyle here in Australia. Its normal to go to a friends house to swim in their pool or hangout at the most amazing beach or parks. I know quiet alot of families from all over the world who have relocated for work and have either stayed on or moved on after a few years. They have all seen it as a positive experience for the kids. I am lucky my parents are in good health and come over for extended periods every year. The kids see them alot more of them then if we lived back home

Yellowandpurple78 · 07/02/2020 05:14

My parents took us to Australia when I was 14 and my brother 4. We came back after a year purely because of jobs and it was always only meant to be a year.

From a child’s perspective - life in Australia was amazing. And if you’re comparing life in London with Australia, then I imagine it would be a no-brainer. There was none of the awful pressure that you get in the UK. I felt more free and comfortable in my own skin. We practically lived outdoors. My mum still wants to go back now. If you’re worried about your children - you’ll be doing them a massive favour to get out of London. No argument there. There’s also more opportunity for entrepreneurship in Aus, so there isn’t that pressure on very restricted education routes and job prospects. A lot of people I went to school with have set up shops or businesses and are doing really well with this.

There were negatives, as with anything, but the positives for mental well-being were huge.

maras2 · 07/02/2020 05:39

coco
I was on a thread of yours a while ago when you were 'separated' but still living with DH.
Are you in a better place now ?
If not, is your marriage strong enough to survive such a drastic move?
It'd be awful to be the other side of the world with little or no support.
I do hope that things work out well for you and the kids whatever choice you make.
Good luck Flowers Mx.

MarieG10 · 07/02/2020 06:14

Our aim would be to go for 3 years. They would miss the grandkids I know

You won't. Most people love it there and dint come back. Go for it