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Living overseas

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Original poster

Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

253 replies

coco123456789 · 24/01/2020 19:43

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

OP posts:
StarbucksSmarterSister · 28/01/2020 17:24

You're only going for 3 years? Why are they moaning? Selfish of them to try and stop you, especially when it's for such a short time.

Just go! You'll have a fab time and they can come out and have a fab holiday.

Bargebill19 · 28/01/2020 17:46

Go for it. You won’t get the same offer again. You can always return. As for keeping in contact - Skype!

Original poster
coco123456789 · 28/01/2020 18:43

They think we won’t come back. They think my DH will love the job so much he won’t want to come back. And they also think it will ruin my daughter’s education (year 4) despite not wanting to pay for a private school for her and not agreeing with private school even though I went to private school! All so frustrating and causing lots of rows with DH. To be honest my mum has given us a lot of practical help and has always been there for me way more than other people get help from their mums so I am aware I am giving up that practical support but also wondering if it could do me good. I just don’t know.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 28/01/2020 18:45

In reality, if your husband has been headhunted for this job his next job could also be International.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/01/2020 18:47

Posted too early.

Also, how long do you wait to live a life focused on your nuclear family? The fact is your parents could be alive for another 20 years. Do you wait for that long?

Winniethepoohbear · 28/01/2020 18:52

Why do your parents have a say in tour daughter's education. Are you seriously rowing with your DH because your parents disagree with what he thinks about your DC's education. What do you actually think, without parroting mum and dad

MimiLaRue · 28/01/2020 18:57

OP- what do YOU want to do? Do you want to move there? forget your H or your parents, what do YOU think about it?

If the answer is yes, then go for it. Its your life, not your parents. Your parents have their own lives and I doubt very much you dictate to them where they should live and what they should do so why are you allowing them to do this to you? They are trying to infantilise you and treat you like a child so react to them as an adult which means "thank you for your input and concern but we have made our decision. This is our decision to make as a family and we will not be swayed" then just repeat like a broken record. They cant argue with themselves so if you refuse to engage then there's nowhere they can go with their whining.
How exciting!- look forward to the positivity of this step and dont let them piss all over your fireworks!

UYScuti · 28/01/2020 19:01

They think my DH will love the job so much he won’t want to come back
they hate the thought of you enjoying it too much!!
They dont want you to be happy!!
wtf
what kind of parents are these?

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 28/01/2020 19:07

Some people need their family and flock of whatever with them and can't cope with being far away from each other.

If it was my husband I'd def go, no one out of my marriage will decide my life.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 28/01/2020 19:14

@UYScuti My parents think like this. My mum tired to stop me moving to NYC to be with my American husband, and asked me why I couldn't just settle down round the corner with a "nice little job" often followed by "there's no point being ambitious, you're not going to get anywhere".

I've lived in NY for 6 years now, she she still keeps hassling me to come home. She thinks we should quit our jobs, and I should stop being an exec in a charity and get a nice little part time job and my husband should quit his banking job and be a travel agent Hmm.

Proper crab in bucket stuff, she doesn't like us having or doing anything nicer than her Angry.

cptartapp · 28/01/2020 19:41

Your mums been there for you helping way more than other mums you say?
Ah. Over-involved from the off. Have you only got one DD? What was all the 'help' you kept needing? I suspect they don't see you as an adult in your own right and you now feel somewhat beholden. Many people crack on with childrearing without any help.
Sounds like a slightly co-dependant relationship tbh. Time to make that move away. It'll become ever so stifling otherwise as your parents age.

blondiebrowneyes · 28/01/2020 20:01

You'd be bonkers to pass up the opportunity. Your priority should be what you and your DH want, and what's best for your family. It's not even as if they can't afford to come and visit. They are being very selfish trying to talk you out of it.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 28/01/2020 20:03

We have 3 children. She comes up to help generally really, to make things easier for me with an extra pair of hands. They live really close and so it’s very easy and something for her to do (it’s not my DF, it’s my DM I see a lot).

OP posts:
Original poster
coco123456789 · 28/01/2020 20:05

My parents live quite separately but together (unhappily) so I feel responsible for my mum’s happiness, like I have to provide frequent access to the children so she has a nice time. I wish they were nice and happy together with full lives like my in-laws then I wouldn’t feel so responsible.

OP posts:
SmellyBeard · 28/01/2020 20:11

OP go 100%. Life is too short and it's a great place to live for families.

SmellyBeard · 28/01/2020 20:13

Well you hanging around isn't going to make them any happier. Go out there and give them some wonderful holidays.

Roselilly36 · 28/01/2020 20:16

It your lives & life is way to short for regrets, if you don’t do it will you regret not taking the opportunity?

cptartapp · 28/01/2020 20:17

So she wants you around for her own benefit. Because her relationship is unfulfilling and you fill a void. You've kind of dug yourself a hole here.
You're not responsible for your DM's happiness. That's utterly ridiculous. You're in too deep you just can't see it.
You, your DH and your DC wants and needs trump hers. Every time.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/01/2020 20:17

OP you can't be responsible for you Mums happiness. Her husband isn't and your children can't provide compensation for that if that's what she wants. It's sad but she doesn't get to limit your life to make up for her poor choices.

Winniethepoohbear · 28/01/2020 20:21

OP I get it but you are not responsible for your DM's happiness. You cannot out it ahead of your family and DH.

If you don't go fine, and then your DH is headhunted again? And you say no again. And if he resents you for it? What about if putting your DM first costs you your marriage?

I am not saying you have to go. Choose to stay but because it's your decision not because it's what DP want. You are not passive in this situation, you need to decide what is important for yourself and stand by your decision. If you stay you are staying because it benefits your nuclear family more not because of DP

NotTheLangCleg · 28/01/2020 20:32

You sound very passive in this process, OP.

What do you want to do? What do you want from life?

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 28/01/2020 20:42

I'm so thankful my parents weren't like this when we chose to emigrate.

DM said 'I brought you up to be independent, i can hardly complain now when you are!' Grin

JesmondDene · 28/01/2020 20:51

I would be so excited if my DC's wanted to experience this - I'd miss them but I would be so proud of them for grasping hold of this opportunity. I'd be delighted that they are independent and adventurous, that they want to broaden their horizons and that of my grandchildren. It would also enrich all of our lives, visits, joint holidays midway, new places.

Go for it!

GoodDogBellaBoo · 28/01/2020 21:03

Move of you want, but you only talk about your husband’s great opportunity, not yours. What will you do? And will they even let you in unless you have a plan and a job that is needed? Melbourne is nice, but it sounds like you are relying on your husband too much.

LillianGish · 28/01/2020 21:19

She comes up to help generally really, to make things easier for me with an extra pair of hands Don't underestimate how much you might miss this - I speak as someone who has lived abroad ever since my children were born so has never had any family help or free babysitting and I must confess to having had a pang of envy for friends with family on hand and ready made babysitters. I would still say go for it - it sounds like an amazing opportunity, but of course your parents are going to miss you and I wouldn't give them a hard time for saying this.Your dcs might miss their grandparents too - especially if they are close. It may "only" be a 24 hour flight away (!) - but you also need to factor in the cost of flying home (especially if you have three children) - and also allow for the fact that you will need more than just a weekend (which can be a strain in itself if staying with family). I just think you should go into it with your eyes open - it's easy for posters on here to be gung ho, but I can tell you from experience however much you love it you will still have moments of homesickness and you need to consider all the risks for your own sake. I also have extremely good friend who is effectively trapped on the other side of the world after her husband ran off with a colleague. It was a pretty devastating for her when she realised the law meant she wouldn't be able to leave with her kids. You say this is your husband's dream opportunity, but you need to make sure it is your dream too. Forget what everyone else wants and ask yourself what you want.