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Living overseas

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Original poster

Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

253 replies

coco123456789 · 24/01/2020 19:43

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

OP posts:
LarryDuff · 30/01/2020 10:08

It's just my opinion holdmylobster, the people on that program are (usually) planning to move there and it always comes down to money, house, weather. I don't think going to melbourne to live with a load of other ex pats and occasionally having a barbecue on the beach is 'seeing the world' either.

If you hate your family that's another thing, but not the case here is it?

blue25 · 30/01/2020 10:16

Go! It’s an amazing opportunity.

You can’t live your life according to your parents needs. You’ll regret it if you don’t give it a shot.

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2020 10:31

@LarryDuff Every time I watch wanted down under I think it's not remotely worth it, and they always say at the start of the program that most people return within a couple of years

Oh Larry, Larry Larry Larry...

Oz has much more to offer than the crap they put into WDU! I have been here 13yrs, and love it. You sound a bit bitter...

Not cruel and selfish at all, what is though is making your kids feel guilty for wanting something more from their lives than what you want from yours.

I don't think going to melbourne to live with a load of other ex pats and occasionally having a barbecue on the beach is 'seeing the world' either. Well more so than living on the same street you were born in and never doing anything! Oh and I don't know many expats, most of my friends are Australian.

FraglesRock · 30/01/2020 10:54

I think the only people to think about is dh, dc and you. Decide if it's the best thing for your family.
You don't have children so they can entertain you or look after you in your old age.
She's trying to guilt you and that's not the right relationship, you're almost the parent in that relationship, entertaining her and making sure she's happy. This might be the making of her where she has to make a life for herself.
What happens if dh instead got a job offer in Scotland for example, how would she put the mockers on that? Because that still wouldn't suit her.
Your dhs job enables you not to work, so would you prefer to stay and go to work or live in Australia with a fulfilled dh and be able to not work?

LarryDuff · 30/01/2020 11:17

Don't know why you think it's bitter to have a different opinion? The OP asked if it was selfish to go half way around the world to have more money and a better house and I think it is. My view is that, on balance, it's not worth it, everyone else is entitled to their view too.

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 11:36

Larry surely these are two different things?
You're saying it's not worth it for you, fair enough, you weighed it up and and for you the downsides are bigger than the upsides
However, that's not the same saying it's selfish...selfishness is putting your own needs ahead of those towards whom we have a duty, isn't it?

supafish · 30/01/2020 11:45

What an opportunity , just go . My daughter went for 6 months , 6 years ago . As much as her and her family are missed , it's her life and at this moment in time , she loves it !

Aebj · 30/01/2020 11:48

We moved to Perth in 2009 and love it here. I was lucky in the fact my parents and his mum ( dh dad died many years ago), weren’t very hands on, never looked after them etc . We got them used to Skype before we left and this was out form of communication. This way if there were any problems we were close to help.
They are happy with Skype calls and we often walk around the house, cook dinner and chat with them , like we would if we were in the uk .
My parents were initially upset but have visited and understand why we are here. The lifestyle suits us as a family unit. My mil has never visited but from what she hears, the photos I send to her , she also understands that we’ve made the best decision ever.
You are coming here for 3 years. The first 6 months will be hard. But stick with it. It’s not forever and the beaches are beautiful. Make sure you come and visit WA!

Parents don’t want me to go to Australia
LarryDuff · 30/01/2020 11:54

nothing to do with my situation, my view for the OP is that 1) yes it is a selfish act to take kids away from their wider family and 2) overall it's not worth it for the perceived benefits

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2020 11:57

No @LarryDuff, it isn't bitter to have a differing opinion.

What is bitter is telling the op, and others how cruel and selfish they are for leaving parents/grandparents to emigrate.

Your whole post came across as a bitter person who had been refused a visa. It was a personal attack on so many.

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 11:59

Therefore Larry, those who regard the benefits as worth it are not acting selfishly?

BlueJava · 30/01/2020 11:59

Please don't be held back by your parents! I have had 2 fantastic jobs in Asia, my parents were very unsupportive and didn't want me to go, but I did. It was amazing, has really helped me in my career, great travel and life experiences. If you don't go it'll be "What if we'd gone...?" Go, enjoy, support DH and ensure you can get a job there too. Just stay in touch with your parents. I'm sorry to say I find any parent who tries to hold their child back is a bit selfish. Their lack of friends/stuff to do and worries are not your concern.

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 12:02

Also those who don't believe they have a duty towards the wider family are not acting selfishly....
you Larry, are only able to frame it as selfish because you feel you have a duty towards the wider family, lots of people in the modern world don't feel that sense of duty and connection towards the extended family and arguably it doesn't line up well with modern lifestyles

Glassio · 30/01/2020 12:04

Just make sure you are going for your own reasons and this will benefit you and the kids and not just your husband. I moved abroad for a while with my now ex for their career, actually made it more difficult for myself and while he was easily making friends through work, it was a lot harder for me and not as fun. depending on the children making then moving and leaving friends from either country will be difficult.
A close relative also got I'll and died while I was away and getting last minute flights with limited annual leave meant I couldnt get home in time. in a way I'll never get over that guilt a bit but it's the risk you have to take.
If you're confident it's the best thing for you all though then do it!

LarryDuff · 30/01/2020 12:05

Your whole post came across as a bitter person who had been refused a visa

eh? just totally bonkers Confused

If people take my opinions personally I think maybe they already feel that way themselves, why would you care what I think otherwise? She asked the question "is this selfish" and I said "in my opinion yes it is".

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 13:15

The OP asked if it was selfish to go half way around the world to have more money and a better house and I think it is

No, that's not what she asked.

Try again.

LarryDuff · 30/01/2020 16:22

It's quite literally what she asked, here's an extract to help you....
they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them?

Sakura7 · 30/01/2020 16:35

The OP asked if it was selfish to go half way around the world to have more money and a better house and I think it is.

By that logic surely we're all selfish in lots of major decisions we make in our lives. Most of us will want to make good money, live in nice places, etc, and those of us who get these opportunities generally take them. It's not selfish to build a life you're happy in. OP's parents are, however, being selfish in expecting OP and her DH to just plod unhappily through life and turn down opportunities to better their lives.

sunshinesupermum · 30/01/2020 18:50

100% agree with Sakura7

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 18:56

how are we defining 'selfishness' for the purposes of this thread?

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 19:11

they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them?

Yes - this describes her parents. If you think it means the OP is moving abroad simply for a bigger house and more money then you're even more dim than you appeared to be at first.

JesmondDene · 30/01/2020 20:25

LarryDuff

I don't understand the mentality that it's perfectly fine to take kids so far away from their extended families, particularly grandparents, I think it's cruel and selfish and it's almost always because of a chance of a bit more money or supposedly better weather.

In my case it was the grandparents!
My mum and dad chose to live abroad, in the sun, away from their grandchildren!

HoldMyLobster · 30/01/2020 21:05

My children have grandparents on two continents, and cousins on three continents.

Of course moving the kids away from one set of grandparents and towards another would be completely selfish and we would really only be moving because we wanted a bigger house and more money.

And if we should move to the third continent so the children could be closer to their Australian cousins, that would also be selfish because we'd really only be moving because we wanted a bigger house and more money.

Because people only ever move for a bigger house and more money.

choli · 31/01/2020 21:50

how are we defining 'selfishness' for the purposes of this thread?
Putting your husband and children before your parents it seems.

UYScuti · 31/01/2020 22:21

Putting your husband and children before your parents it seems
It seems that some regard not deferring to parents as 'selfishness'
It's the parents who are selfish expecting adult children to obey them