Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

[coco123456789]

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

IMO far too much over-thinking. If there are genuine reasons not to go e.g. you really don’t want to/feel that you would be isolated while he does his dream/have something important here which you wouldn’t want to leave behind, then just throw caution to the wind. What’s the worst that could happen? You could hate it there and then, given your house is here, you could come home.

And as long as you give it an adjustment period, i.e. you’re not likely to go over there and love everything in the first instant because there will be lifestyles to get used to, the fact you maybe can’t just order in the Ocado shop but have to go to the supermarket, the fact that bills etc do go with you regardless of where you go. But then there are the positives, the outdoor lifestyle, the weather which is better for much of the year.

Also be mindful of what you read in the media. The bushfires have been horrendous for the people who have been affected by them, no question. But the vast majority of the population has been unaffected. Holidays to Sidney and even tours to the blue mountains have still been happening. I know someone who went there on Holiday in December/January and said that this smoke which the media is talking about just wasn’t visible in the majority of places, and she went on a tour to the blue mountains. The media’ will always over-hype a story. it would be like the press abroad reporting that England has had terrible flooding and people being put off going there for that reason, when in fact the flooding was in Yorkshire and the majority of us read about it on the news as the people abroad did.

We emigrated to South Africa when I was nine and I hated it. Away from all my friends, sent to a school where I didn’t speak the language, all I wanted was to go home. We didn’t, and when we eventually did all I wanted was to stay. I’d learned the language, the outdoor lifestyle was amazing, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything, and when I came back here I was miserable.

There is a lot of instability over there now which means I wouldn’t go back now, and tells me that being here is the best thing, but if I could have, then I would. And if I could go to Australia where the lifestyle is broadly similar then I would go in a heartbeat.

But it’s all down to personal choice. Just because it’s someone’s dream doesn’t mean it has to be yours.

Ignore the people saying things like they knew someone who went and the husband had an affair etc etc etc. Anyone can have an affair anywhere and the other partner could be left up shit creek.

If however your marriage is currently not in a good place then I would consider whether such a big move is the wisest idea at the moment.

Last year we had a lot of issues in our marriage which I have now realised have come from my unhealthy relationship with my mum and sister. E.g. speaking to my mum first about things rather than my husband, not consulting him properly and just booking things. Letting my mum cloud things, which I can sort of see now come from the fact that she is unhappy in her own life so projects onto me. I have drawn more of a line and focused on my marriage and my own partnership rather than inviting her in, letting them join our family holidays, dinners etc. And it’s so much better as it feels like we are a couple, a partnership properly. My mum and dad have never been partnerships, her number one people were always her own parents.

My sister is furious about the idea of us going, says I am breaking up our family, it will change her life forever, what if I don’t come back, can’t my husband just get on with stuff here and not ‘want’ so much. I am trying to imagine how I would feel if it was his parents / family saying something like that. I would be furious!

It sounds like 3 years away would be a bloody brilliant idea, not just for your husband, who must be a saint to have put up with what you describe, but for you.
It draws a line in the sand between your former, unhealthy relationship with your abusive mother, and it will be much easier to start on a new footing upon your return.

Your poor dad!

From your latest updates, it sounds like it will be very good for your nuclear family and marriage to move. It sounds like you are still over engaged with your mother and sister to me. I know that sounds harsh but if you aren't allowed to put your family first now when will you be able too, in your 60's?

I caused a lot of these issues though - calling my mum whenever I was cross about something my DH did. I have been disloyal. I am lucky, I have 3 kids, but as they are the only grandkids it feels like I have to make them available on holidays, celebrations etc. whereas it’s totally different with My in-laws, we didn’t see them much as their view is they have raised their kids and will visit occasionally, but they don’t interfere

Try to think of the problems you had more impartially. Why did you call your mother? Did she subtly encourage your dependence? Did she tell you you needed to discuss these problems with your husband not me?

I think if I were your husband, with the history you’ve give, you not going because of your mum would probably herald the end of the marriage. That might be unfair, given relocating to Australia for 3 years with children is no small decision, but it would be the final nail in the coffin.
On the bright side for you, just imagine how toasty you will be with your mum and sister as a single mother of three.

@Disfordarkchocolate - it was habit. I have always spoken to her a lot. But it doesn’t feel so right now. It has caused a lot of issues as she has said stuff to my husband. It’s not a grown up relationship. However, I do know she is always there. So it’s reassuring. Makes me feel like if I go I am throwing all that back in her face. But it does worry me that she would probably be ok to see my husband go alone and leave us all behind (which isn’t something that he would ever do)

We live overseas. When I was 18 I moved to the UK from mainland Europe. A couple of years after my DH and I were married, I wanted to move overseas again. A job opportunity came up for my husband too so we did it. We left the UK in 2012 and went to Asia.

In 2018 we decided to move to a new country. Our debate on where coincided with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis for my dad. I'm an only child, my parents are elderly. But they both insisted we stay away. We did. We live in sub-Saharan Africa now. Closer to home but still a long haul flight away. The diagnosis also coincided with us finding out we were having a baby. Again, my parents never even mentioned moving home.

My MIL did not react the same way when we told her our plans back in 2011/12. It has definitely had a negative effect on my DH's relationship with her.

Whenever I see these types of dilemmas I think of a beautiful poem by Kahlil Gibran and in particular:

[Italics]Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.[/Italics]

My mum used to tell me I wasn't hers. She just got to borrow me when I was small and it was glorious. Now I have my own child I see how selfless you need to be as a parent. Loving your children can be hard.

Whatever you decide please do so because it's the right choice for you, your husband and your children. We love being overseas. Our child has and will have unbelievably life enriching experiences. How could any grandparent who truly loves him ask us to give that up?

Oh and on the cancer - why go rushing back? I adore my dad but he has anywhere between 6 months and 15 years to live. He's managed 1.5 years so far and is loving life. Goes deep sea fishing with mates and all sorts. So, I could have rushed back to be with him and he'd be buggering off fishing.

A friend of my mum's gave up her dream job in Paris in the 1960s to nurse her mum who was dying. She lived for another 20 odd years.

@coco123456789 have you spoken to a counsellor about your relationship with your mother and sister?

I think that a wise mother would have started gently pushing you back if you bought issues about your husband to them and looked to them to make decisions for them.

It's hard but a parent needs to be there for a child if support is needed but also make sure that this support isn't undermining their marriage. Taking lots of issues to a parent that you need to learn to resolve yourself undermines your marriage. It also creates an unhealthy dynamic with the parents.

My ex-MIL always wanted to be at the centre of the family, none of her children had a happy marriage. All of her children were too focused on keeping her happy, they never learned to have an adult relationship where you work at a marriage and solve problems together.

Good luck.

If I'd have rung my mum like that she'd have told me to get off the phone and sort it out with dh.
I don't think you've come as far as you think in normalising these relationships.

They should be proud of you both, it's fine to say they'll miss but this guilt they're putting on you isn't fair.

Makes me feel like if I go I am throwing all that back in her face

We give what we give to our children out of love, not out of expectation. You’re not obliged to carry the weight of your mother’s (or sister’s) desires.

Op, have you had any counseling? You have a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your mom and sister. It sounds like your husband is fed up with being put at the bottom of your priorities list. Your kids will be fine with the move, especially if you frame it correctly. I'm afraid that your marriage may end if you don't make some changes in your relationship with your mom and sister. You have your own family now, and they are your priority.

There are some very good books out there- "boundaries" by cloud and Townsend is an excellent one. As is "co-dependent no more" by melody Beattie.

Oh my god op, are you my sister?!

Probably not as I have dc but she sounds exactly like you.

She's currently moaning that we aren't 'supporting' her to everyone that will listen. She is also moving away, though I think good riddance. I'll miss DN though.

She's broken poor mum's heart, repeatedly running back to DM crying about her fuckwit DH (emotionally abusive from the way she tells it) then running back to him and suddenly having a go at DM for not welcoming him enough and being stand offish with him.

Imagine your daughter telling you how miserable she was being made by a man screaming abuse at her infront if the children and highly likely cheating on her, then wanting you to smile at him and give him hugs at family parties.

I had sympathy at first. He is clearly abusing her and then twisting it round to be OUR fault instead if his. I tried to help, put her in touch with programs and gave her money etc.

But she has decided to move half way across the world and put a poor relationship ahead of getting better for her kids and support from her family. Purely because she might get a bit of a bigger house and a tad more cash. Money is all it ever seems to come down to.

It’s not about a bigger house and more money. I have said that before. If we wanted a bigger house then we would cash in and move out of London, we could have an amazing house then. I don’t think I ever said DH was abusive?! I don’t think I have understood what marriage is. My parents don’t really have a ‘marriage’ partnership. My in laws do and I used to think it was pathetic how they did stuff together and always put each other before DH or his other adult siblings but now I realize that that is probably healthy and normal! Your partner should be your number 1 person. I am quite excited about the opportunity at our feet and I know I am really lucky to have 3 gorgeous healthy kids. I can’t think
If anyone in my family who puts their partner first. My nanny never did, my mum doesn’t and my sister doesn’t either. I am quite pleased I have realised that this isn’t normal

It's not normal to put your partner above all else, no.

I'm sure it differs for most people but my list goes dc, dp (with the thought always in mind not to make myself too dependant or vulnerable because it's never guaranteed to last - less cynical more keeping your head screwed on) family, friends.

Sorry if my post upset you, clearly you aren't my sis! Just saw some similarities. When you've been calling your mum and moaning about your husband you've been repeatedly telling her you aren't happy.

To then expect her to be over the moon that you are getting yourself into a financially vulnerable situation in a far away country (for you, your DH will be fine in the event of a split) where you may not even be able to bring your children home if you can't get a visa is daft.

Your relationship can't be that happy if you've had to tell your DM things that means she doesn't now like him. No wonder she is worried. You have to take responsibility for the fact that she can't just forget the things you've told her. But you expect her to be giddy about the situation you are getting yourself into.

Ever considered that it isn't them being toxic?

Mostly children above husband here too, but not to the detriment of my marriage.

We have similar values about children and how to support them though. Now we only have a teen left at home we're actively planning for that empty nest. It will be cosy couple nest too.

I think as a parent it's hard to forgive a child's partner when they do things that hurt our children. Even when issues are 50/50, or perfectly forgivable in the context of a marriage, parents may find it hard to forgive.

It's not normal to put your partner above all else, no.

It's normal to consider what you and your partner and children want from life over what your parents or siblings want though, which is what the OP is trying to build up the courage to do.

The OP sounds nothing like your toxic sister. You're projecting in a really quite unfair way.

The OP sounds nothing like your toxic sister. You're projecting in a really quite unfair way.

I accept op that but the things op were saying really do sound like her.

Honestly, if your daughter kept telling you about how bad her DH was (and then getting pissy you didn't adore him) would you happily wave her and your grandchildren off to a very vulnerable position.

Vulnerable in the sense that op will not be working and is already experiencing relationship problems. Though she's now blaming that on her DM, instead of accepting responsibility for running and telling tales to her DM and it damaging their reltaionship with her DH.

I don't understand why your parents get such a say in what's going on in your life and your relationship: they will no doubt have thoughts (we all do!) but acutally it's up to you and your DH how you choose to live your lives. How much who works, what schools your kids go to, and where you live are all decisions that are for the two of you to make. Family is a consideration, yes, from your side, but it's not for them to have a say in what you do.
Personally I think this move would be very good for you; you need to have a relationship with your DH and kids which doesn't always feature your parents and sister.
And if you don't come back? Well, cross that bridge when you come to it. It's a possibility, yes. And if that's what you decide to do, it'll be because you and DH think it's the best thing to do. And really, you are the only 2 people who have a say in this.

I would be even more concerned about going, from your latest update. It doesn’t sound as if your marriage is a bed of roses, so you may well Find it incredibly isolating with your dhworking long hours and being away from your support. Think carefully what people have said about being vulnerable with regards to coming back to the U.K. with your kids if the marriage did falter.
Does your dh give you emotional support, or will he get frustrated if you’re lonely and homesick whilst he goes out socialising with new colleagues?

My husband isn’t a ‘drink after work’ sort of person who goes out socializing. Neither of us drink really. He’s either working or at home. Part of the thing we would find good in the move is that the hours and the culture of the role he has been offered will mean we can have more of a family life. And he might have time for a hobby. I almost feel like the emotional support my mum and sister give me isn’t really support in a way. I often come away feeling frustrated and annoyed. They both talk a lot about the past and the old days and what could have been and regret and stuff and it brings me down.

I think even a year away might reset your relationship boundaries. None of what you say re your family is right.