Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

253 replies

coco123456789 · 24/01/2020 19:43

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/01/2020 00:17

Your mother is unhappily married to your father.

Sorry to be blunt, but do you think it is wise to take her feelings into account over your own husband's? Or do you think that could potentially lead to you being unhappily married in the future?

I understand, it would be a wrench. But the decision has to stay within your marriage and what you want for your children too.

Your mum can come to visit for extended periods.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/01/2020 00:48

If your DH is going to work long hours and you have benefitted from your DM’s support, do you think you will struggle in a new place far from that support. It sounds as if you have benefitted from being close to your DM, not just her imposing herself on you because she has no other life.

How old are your DC? Will they have to start part way through secondary school when you come back?

damptowel · 29/01/2020 09:02

It could be the best thing that ever happens to your Mum. She'll get an excuse to visit Australia and see more of the world.

I agree with another poster who said you should do it, but have compassion for their feelings. It's a shock and a grief to have your child move so far away. Acknowledge that it's hard and sad then Dj it anyway.

Life's too short to pass up these opportunities!

LightDrizzle · 29/01/2020 09:19

Your more recent updates make even stronger arguments for hoping to Oz for a couple of years.
Your mum is too dependent your family for her own happiness and she is selfishly clinging on to the status quo to your detriment.

It sounds like your DH is already gritting his teeth and she is in his business. How would you feel if this was his mum up to her elbows in your choices and decisions? Criticising you?
Look after your marriage and go and have fun. A three year break sounds perfect. She needs to sort her own life out.

LightDrizzle · 29/01/2020 09:42

Not sure why it’s your parents’s job to pay for your children’s education though. You can’t have it both ways.

sunshinesupermum · 29/01/2020 09:58

I feel responsible for my mum’s happiness,

CoCo123456789 You are most definitely not responsible for your mother's happiness. I'm sorry she is in an unhappy marriage but seriously if you don't go away I suspect you will have much more to worry about with your own marriage as your husband will begin to resent this interference in your lives. And he will be right.

Sorry to be harsh but he HAS to come first otherwise in years to come you could find yourself in the same situation as your mother is now.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 29/01/2020 14:32

He really resents her interference in this. He thinks she doesn’t want us to be happy. What worries me is that I can feel history repeating itself - my parents have a bad relationship perhaps in part because my mum’s parents lived down the road from them and my mum probably put them first. I can remember many times going on holiday with them and my dad not coming as he found mass family holidays stressful. I am
still worried about upsetting my kids though as they love their school / house and friends. Life is tricky when you get older - for some reason I thought having really young kids was the hardest stage we would ever go through but i guess life keeps on going!

OP posts:
HoldMyLobster · 29/01/2020 15:07

still worried about upsetting my kids though as they love their school / house and friends

These are valid things to think through. How old are they? I moved to the US with children aged 6/4/2 and they have been very happy here. My brother moved to Australia with kids age 8/6/4 and they have also been very happy. I do think the younger they are, the easier the move is for them.

Also, what do you want to do?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 29/01/2020 15:12

They are 8, 6 and nearly 2. I am just so worried about upsetting everyone. Them, my mum... My DH said the only person I don’t seem worried about upsetting is him as this is a dream opportunity for him and he will always regret not taking it (if we don’t).

OP posts:
Winniethepoohbear · 29/01/2020 15:27

I think the person you are not scared of upsetting should be the one you are most concerned with upsetting. Kiss are resilient and survive. If he already resents her involvement, you really need to take a step back and take your parents out of the equation.

Your mum is unhappily married, is that what you want?

HoldMyLobster · 29/01/2020 15:29

I do feel sorry for your DH. He's effectively married your parents, and his family's big decisions are being made by them, rather than by you and him.

But mostly I feel sorry for you, because you're trying so hard to make everyone happy, and it's impossible. It seems a bit like moving abroad is bringing a whole bunch of deeper rooted issues to the surface.

(I'm trying to say this in a nice way, because I do think you're in a difficult situation.)

msmith501 · 29/01/2020 15:34

When I finished my first degree I had an offer of a PhD in Eugene. , Oregon. My mums response almost to the word was "who's going to look after me" (I was 22 ish and my dad was useless emotionally). So... I didn't go and regretted t almost immediately. Your parents choose to have children... you do not choose to be born. If they cannot be happy for you without thinking of themselves or living their life through you via proxy, then to be honest it's too toxic to be good for you or your family.

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2020 15:37

DH said the only person I don’t seem worried about upsetting is him as this is a dream opportunity for him and he will always regret not taking it (if we don’t)

It's his dream opportunity. Your children are young. You parents are not elderly yet.

If you say no now, and the opportunity comes again in 4-5 years time, it will be much harder - children older and approaching secondary school, parents older, perhaps frailer.

You need to listen to your husband's strength of feeling, tune out your parents, and try to tune in to YOURSELF. Your children will adapt if it is sold to them positively - 8 is an easy age to make new friends, although they will be sad about leaving they will cope.

If YOU really, really don't want to move to Australia, OK then.

But if you don't mind the idea and you're just prioritising everyone else and worrying too much over your DH's strongly expressed desire, then I think your DH might well come to resent you for that.

BobbyBlueCat · 29/01/2020 16:00

I think you need to listen to your husband here. What he's saying is right. I feel a bit sorry for him.

Your kids (only my opinion) shouldn't be factored in. They're kids. They don't get a 'vote' and they'll adapt to whatever you decide.

Your parents have had their shot at building a life and have what they settled for. If they're not happy with how their lives turned out, that's on them. They should have changed it.
But now is your shot. Your life. Your husband's life. Your childrens' lives. Not theirs.
Parents might not agree with their children's choices in life. But they should support them (providing the choice is legal and safe!), not guilt trip them in to the mundane.

LarryDuff · 29/01/2020 16:17

I don't understand the mentality that it's perfectly fine to take kids so far away from their extended families, particularly grandparents, I think it's cruel and selfish and it's almost always because of a chance of a bit more money or supposedly better weather. Every time I watch wanted down under I think it's not remotely worth it, and they always say at the start of the program that most people return within a couple of years

LoveIsLovely · 29/01/2020 16:48

Larry, so everyone should just stay in the area they were born in and never move?

What if your partner is from a different country? What if there are no jobs where you live? What if the grandparents aren't particularly great? Is it ok to be cruel and selfish then?

If I had never seen my dad's parents growing up, it wouldn't have affected me one bit. They were totally uninvolved in my life.

It's not about money or weather for most people. It's about experiencing the world and seeing new places and meeting different people. That may not be for everyone but some of us enjoy that.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/01/2020 17:11

Is your DH thinking about anyone else, or just his job opportunity?

If my DH was given this opportunity I wouldn't want to move, but we are in a slightly different position to you, as DS is in Y10 so looking at doing his GCSEs next year, have elderly DM who we helped move to be closer to us, plus I have jobs/positions I would have to leave.

However, I wouldn't have been keen to do it when DS was younger either, as wouldn't have wanted to be so far away from relatives/friends. DS wouldn't have been keen either. My DPs wouldn't have stopped us though.

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/01/2020 17:55

LarryDuff

I moved away from the area I was born at the first opportunity because ever since I can remember I hated the place.

One of my first thoughts as a child was there had been some huge mistake and I had been born into not just the wrong family but the wrong country.

It was so depressing

I knew I would leave and never return.

I feel a lot more settled in London and am putting in place a business in the country I should have been born in.

It just feels so right

HoldMyLobster · 29/01/2020 18:07

I think it's cruel and selfish and it's almost always because of a chance of a bit more money or supposedly better weather. Every time I watch wanted down under I think it's not remotely worth it, and they always say at the start of the program that most people return within a couple of years

Ah, seeing as we're getting to say what we think, I think...

a) you're a bit dim for getting your knowledge of what it's like to move abroad from a TV program.
b) you have no idea why people really move and are too small-minded to have any interest in really finding out.

HoldMyLobster · 29/01/2020 18:10

Great post from NoSquirrels up there. I nodded all the way through it.

Iseethesilverlining · 29/01/2020 18:22

We have worked abroad for various periods, mostly for my job, and it is been hugely beneficial for our careers, our kids and our marriage. If he is the sold bread winner, and this is a career enhancing move, he’s be mad not to go. And it’s only three years! Your parents would have to get used to relying less on you, but keeping in touch is so easy with technology - even my Mum became very au fait with FaceTime and Skype last time we were abroad. Don’t risk your relationship with your husband to keep your Mum happy. But do smell sure you pay UK NI contributions while you’re away so you still get your pension.

sunshinesupermum · 29/01/2020 18:53

Totally agree with NoSquirrels

CoCo Your husband has told you in no uncertain terms. Listen to him now please. Your kids are still young enough to adapt wherever you are - mine were 3 and 7 and tbh I didn't even consider there might be a problem with uprooting them for a couple of years!

LarryDuff They are going for two years, the grandparents are not elderly and infirm and can travel out to see the family. It is a huge opportunity for them all to experience a different way of life as well as expand their horizons and well done to OP's husband.

sunshinesupermum · 29/01/2020 18:54

three, not two, years.

LillianGish · 29/01/2020 20:22

Your kids will be fine - your little one will only remember Australia (in fact your biggest difficulty might arise when you want to move back and they are all that much older). It’s perfectly understandable that your parents don’t want you to go - which of us would want our children to move to the other side of the world? But that’s not a reason not to go. You shouldn’t not go because they can’t bear you to leave, only if you can’t bear to leave them. Australia is a hell of a distance though - I’ve followed DH round Europe with his job (which presents its own set of difficulties in terms of languages) but I would have to really think hard about Oz because it’s just so far from home and I know I would miss my mum.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/01/2020 20:45

OP is this a different job that you have posted about before? You appear to be blaming your parents here but in previous threads you were worried about leaving your family as you are very close to them and you were concerned about your DH's attitude to work as he works crazy hours and leaves you to sort out childcare etc, so you would not get any support from him if you moved abroad. You were also very happy with your life in London, have things changed?