Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

[coco123456789]

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

They are people, not possessions, you can't lock them in a box to make yourself feel better
Thier souls dwell in the house of tomorrow which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams

Settle for normal life as that's good enough for everyone else
I am appalled at this, it's so obvious that they don't want you to have anything more than they had, they are jealous and they can't bear to see you you doing well and getting ahead of them.
What kind of parent thinks like that??

Rent your house out and go for it. It sounds like a great opportunity and your family can visit if they want.

Do it! I would make sure you do get all the details sorted.
Is it temporary? Or for an unknown amount of time?
I moved to Australia with DH for a job he got. It was set from the start that it will be 4 years and then we return. The time frame was set from his company and i was happy to go knowing its for a limited time. It was really the best thing we ever did. We ended up staying a couple years longer, but when i was pregnant with DC 2 i wanted to return home for the family support. Luckily DH was on board and we came back.
I do think you should sort out things like this beforehand though and come to some sort of agreement in case things dont work out and you want to return.

Oh and to add, im very close to my family and missed them a lot. I travelled back for all big events and they came to visit, so i saw them 3-4 times a year. Once DC 1 was born i travelled over even more, because i didnt want them to miss out.
Get used to a lot of flying!

If it is only for 3 years then I would go.

If you dh is as ambitious as you say then he will definitely be moving on.

Go and have a brilliant time. It might also be the making of your parents. They might see that the narrow world they currently live in is not much fun after all. Who knows, they might come to visit and take up bogie boarding! 😁

My only DCs work takes them all over the world and we don't get together that often, but we Skype for a couple of hours every week and I really feel that I am a part of their life and they mine. Get your mum and dad skyping - they will be happier for you to go.

I am appalled at this, it's so obvious that they don't want you to have anything more than they had, they are jealous and they can't bear to see you you doing well and getting ahead of them.
What kind of parent thinks like that??
Quite a lot IME. It's a part of working class culture in the UK for many.

It's not your parents decision, it's your decision. Our son now lives in Australia and my daughter is heading out there for a few months. Who knows whether she'll decide to stay too. Yes, it's difficult but would I hold them back, no. Skype & FaceTime make staying in touch so much easier. My husband and I have lots of plans and friends and keep ourselves busy. There's that saying " if you love someone, set them free" and I think it's true. You don't have children to just sit around you forever, you bring them up and let them fly the nest in whatever direction they choose. Yes, it makes me feel a bit sad and teary at times but then I remind myself how happy they are and that's all I ever wanted for them when they were growing up. If you want to go, don't let anyone guilt trip you into turning down this opportunity.

Working class culture in the UK
Are you saying the people at the lower end of the socioeconomic scale don't want their children to be upwardly mobile?
would we not expect those parents to be the most ambitious for their children?

Not their decision.
My siblings and I all live abroad. My MIL made sure she put enough guilt on her children not to ever live so we stay where we are now.
I can’t stand that attitude

@UYScuti It depends on the family.

My parents absolutely have the "crabs in a bucket" mentality. They love seeing me fail.

Loveis,
I hope you are the crab that escaped and turned into a beautiful sea creature🧜‍♀️

As hard as it is you have kids not to support you but to create their own lives. That's what you must do.

Skype regularly, visit a couple times a year - but let your happiness take forefront because everyone has selfish intentions so you must look after yourself too.

UYScuti, I'm 70 and remember many years ago a lot of parents were absolutely heartbroken if their children emigrated. One of my husband's cousins went to Australia where he married and stayed and his parents, particularly his mum(who was and is lovely - still alive!), was terribly upset by it. I suppose you would say they were 'upper working class', dad was a printer, and the culture then was that adult children often still lived at home with mum and dad until they married.

However they were far from hard up and were able to visit him in Aus, including going to his wedding and he also came back here for holiday and for funeral when his dad died. Mum went out there a couple of times for six weeks or so after that. She must be well in her nineties now so doubt she travels but she lives in Scotland where her other child moved and let's face it, Scotland is quite a long way away for a Londoner; she has been very happy there.

I think in previous years people felt they'd never see their child again because fares were so expensive, way beyond what people could afford. I know my mother had two sisters who went to live in Canada with their husbands and people felt like that; it was long before I was born but mum told me what a wrench it was. They wrote regularly and after I was married, the sisters' eldest daughters came over here and stayed with my mum but that the first ever visit.

One of my neighbour's children lives in Australia but they've all been there, also met him in another European country where he went for work and he's been back here. He came here with wife and baby daughter and stayed for three years (planned), had another child whilst here, it was lovely for everyone.

The world is a smaller place than it was.

The op is not (at the moment) planning to leave the UK for good, just for a while; her parents really must accept that. It will be a wonderful experience - or at least we hope so :-) - and presumably good for husband's career. It's not so much that her parents are being selfish, rather that they will miss their daughter and family so much - but it isn't forever.

Go and enjoy it.

I urge you to go.
This is your life not theirs
If you have it you can fly back
And after they have passed away, your opportunity will have passed.
I had friends who felt the same, delayed, delayed......went and haven’t looked back and that Australia and Canada.
The difference in quality of life is ridiculous, get on the plane!

• if you hate it you can fly back! Bloody predictive text!

Thanks - we’re not working class, my parents are very comfortably off but as they are baby boomers who also inherited from their own parents they have come by their money seemingly quite easily. My dad never had to work late or at weekends. My husband works really hard and my parents hate this - they think it is selfish and unnecesary. They just don’t get the feeling he has of needing to get on. His own background is far more modest so his parents are hugely excited about their son having such an opportunity. I think I have let my parents take up too much space in my life. But they aren’t young (72 and 73) so what is something happened and we were away.

You are 24 hours away by plane. It could take me half that to get some places in the uk. Your parents could have another 15-20 years you are talking about going for 3 years. A break would probably be good for all of you, force them to make their own life and allow you and your husband to be in your marriage alone because it doesn't sound like it has been to date.

But they aren’t young (72 and 73) so what is something happened and we were away.

My mum lived within 100 miles of her parents as they got older, so she'd be around just in case something happened. Nothing happened until a couple of days after she'd gone on holiday - to Australia. Because she wasn't there, my sister dealt with it. If my sister hadn't dealt with it then a friend of theirs would have dealt with it.

You can't put your life on hold just in case. My parents are older than yours and they cope fine with day to day life, and have put plans in place for if/when they no longer cope. Perhaps you could talk through that with your parents?

Respectfully, OP, it’s got bugger all to do with your DPs if your DH wants to work hard, or pursue a career elsewhere. It’s got bugger all to do with them if you would like to have an adventure.

Of course they don’t want you to go - I expect my parents wouldn’t want me to go to Australia and I’m sure when my DC are old enough I wouldn’t be enthused about them being half a world away either.

But I wouldn’t stop them! My DPs wouldn’t stop me.

Do you want to go?
Do you think your DH is ‘selfish’ or just driven and ambitious?

Those are the only things you need to decide on. Your DPs aren’t a factor. They’ll cope if you go. Might not like it, but they’ll cope. In a decade perhaps it would be more of a consideration but early 70s is still fairly young for a lot of folks.

coco, something could happen to your parents while you're here - you could be on holiday in Cornwall! If your folks are in good health, don't think about what might never happen. As others have said, if necessary you could fly back within 24 hours.

Think about it - if you don't go to Australia, in three years time everything could well be exactly as it is now and your parents quite well, just a bit older. You'd have missed a chance.

wtf has it got to do with them how hard your husband chooses to work, anyone who does anything which doesnt line up with what they want for themselves is labelled 'selfish'
THEY are the selfish ones
I'd fuck off to mars just to spite the gits!