Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

[coco123456789]

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

I emigrated 12 years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done.

My parents come to stay twice a year for a month at a time (gulp!) and are far more immersed in their granddaughters life as a result.

They spend so much time with her, far more than they would if we were in the Uk.

I moved to Melbourne 18 months ago, with a 1 year old and regret it. I think you either fall in love and want to stay forever or you don’t. If you’re close to family it’s hard, and I’ve struggled to make friends here as in some ways it can be insular. Do you have the chance to have a trip out and visit before making a final decision?

@ echt great post.

@MyuMe:

It’s one thing to sneer at the ‘silly’ people in the colonies from the relative comfort of the UK metropole, enjoying as you do the fruits of 400 years of British settler colonialism.

It’s quite another to grapple with the consequences of this system every day in the frontlines of the Australian ‘injustice’ system, schools and hospitals. This is the reality for us here in Australia.

Given you care so much about environmental causes and discrimination, I hope that you’ve been marching this month in support of climate change action and indigenous rights, like my friends and family here in Australia have. I’ve yet to meet a British migrant at one of these events, fwiw.

Anyway. OP: you’ve received lots of good advice here. To add to that, it’s worth remembering that we don’t have the same kind of ‘make friends at the local pub’ culture that one finds in the UK. If you’re not planning to work, may I suggest getting involved in kids’ sport clubs to meet other parents. If you have a social justice streak, there are plenty of not-for-profit groups operating, through which you will make friends and feel good about making a positive difference in your new home!

We have beautiful beaches, forests, deserts and people. All Australian cities and many towns in the bush are very multicultural. The fresh produce is EXCELLENT.

Welcome - and good luck:)

I did it 26 yrs ago, with 5 young kids. My husband was headhunted and his career has taken off in a way it wouldn't have in London.
He commutes to Melbourne via train from the country town we settled in.
My kids are all settled and happy and a couple have little Aussie babies now.
Of course there are challenges. My mum died unexpectedly young last year so flying back and forth combined with the grief was tough. And my in laws are v elderly.
However, ALL our parents were supportive. Of course they were upset and concerned. But they knew it represented our best chance of a successful life and would never have been selfish enough to hold us back.
Good luck

Sixteen, not 26 yrs

It may be a blessing for them leaving them “alone” for 3 years. It should reduce their dependence on you and force them to broaden their horizons and develop acquaintances into friends and make new friendships,
Your mother made her choices, you make your own. With technology you can keep in touch, if they don’t use it already then show them how.
You might have 50 years left with your DH, you certainly should with your children, it’s a big deal to deny them this experience and opportunity.
If I were your DH, I would resent this as a reason not to go for three years, given it doesn’t threaten your own career.
It is good advice to discuss what happens if one of you wants to stay at the end of that period and the other doesn’t. I think you need an agreement on that before you leave.

I think it just comes down to what you want to do
Personally as I am very close to my family I could not consider emigrating
But that’s not for their sake ,it’s for mine

I don’t think parents are enough of a reason to stay. Easy for me say as I don’t exactly have the best relationship with mine.

It’s an amazing opportunity for your family. I think it’s selfish of your parents to not be supportive

Wrinkles post is one worth reading and rereading. You need to make sure you want to go, not just your dh, and you need to look into the legal situation if things go wrong.

@coco123456789 spot on! What is up
With that!? So much misogyny on here!

Do you want to go? I assume your Dh does. At the end of the day your parents don't get a say. So think about what you and Dh want to do and do that.

I think it would be an adventure. We have been there (just DH and I) as they flew us out on a trip to show us the sights and where we might live etc. for my husband, the career opportunity just doesn’t exist here, he’s in a very niche job and it’s not like he’s going off to to work for a bank or something that could be done anywhere. If we don’t go, my husband’s career is arguably stunted. As someone else said, my DH and I and our 3 kids have to make a life. My mum said that it’s selfish to move for a job, he should just get a slightly better paid job and put in the hours, plenty of people do. I think they almost think he wants too much from life. Eg they have lots of money (inherited) but don’t spend it, think it’s lavish to spend money on clothes and holidays and things. It would be so much easier if this opportunity had never come knocking!!

Just go op - it's your life.

We are saving for our baby boy so that he has a little spring board in the future. One of the things I've got in my head that he may wish to spend the money on is travel / moving abroad. Of course I'd miss him but I'd be fully supportive of his decision.

Parents should be there not to hold their grown-up children back but instead to support them even if that support means letting them go.

The selfish comment is interesting, I’ve had that too when I was in a similar position to you. To be honest it was one of the things that convinced me that my DP’s didn’t want the best for me, they wanted the best for themselves.

It is a shame they have voiced their reluctance but they muat understand they have to let you go. My guess is they are unhappy you will be so far away thats all. You should acknowledge their feelings and go anyway

They are worried I won’t want to come back I think. My sister doesn’t want me to go as she doesn’t have kids and my kids are her access to kids in her life I guess. We are a very close family but I’m starting to wonder how good it is for me if you see what I mean. I think I have let my marriage suffer as I don’t always put my husband first.

@CocoLoco87 I live in Melbourne (originally come from a small town in outback Western Australia). Melbourne is an amazing city. So much to do, loads of cultural,'food and sporting events on a regular basis. Easy travelling distance to many interesting destinations eg wine country, mountains, bushland, snow fields, beaches (though WA and NSW have better swimming beaches). I think you would have a blast here if you let yourself.

I think your parents are being unreasonable, though I can understand why it would be hard for them. I moved across the country for a job and stayed because I met my husband. My family frequently drop hints and ask outright if/when I will return west. Because they miss me. But they know that this is my life to live and they have raised me to seek opportunity and adventure. Ultimately I believe we can come to resent people who hold us back from doing things we really want to do. That wouldn't be good for your relationship with your parents or your husband.

@MyuMe I personally wouldn't go. Wild fires. Global warming. Blatant racism and sexism tolerated.

Coming from London, the isolation and utter boredom after a while cannot be underestimated.

Genuine question, you ever been here?

Oh and I come from London and now live in a town eithbpopulationnof a fewcthoudsand. Yes, there is endemic racism and misogyny in sections of the Australian community. But it's NOT everywhere. All my friends (And I have zero UK friends) are as liberal and progressive as I am. We all believe in equality and raise our son's and daughters accordingly. We aim for change in Australia and there's s growing movement towards that.
Melbourne is a cosmopolitan, thriving city.
And has the bonus of feeling pretty small after London, do you learn to navigate it pretty quickly and suss out theatres that suit you.
I'm not bored! It's a different life to London, sure. But for me that's been a positive thing.
And I'm legally and financially protected. If my husband has an affair or left me, it would be an emotional disaster wherever on the planet I lived!
But I have the strength and self sufficiency of the immigrant. Overall back on that. At our ages, even if it happened in the UK I wouldn't be putting the burden of my recovery elderly parents!
For me, the only downside is using north of our annual leave/savings on trios back to the UK to keep family bonds going.
But that's MY choice.

*That should be areas, not theatres!!! Although we do have theatres. Some great ones! 🤣

Don’t let your family hold you back from going. It sounds like a great opportunity! And it doesn’t have to be forever. I also moved abroad (not quite as far) and my DM was very much against it, my DF was highly in favour! Still went and everyone now sees it was the right decision.

Melbourne? do it. Love that city
We looking to leave south aus for Vic just to be closer to melbourne

Your family are being really unfair trying to stop you. It is your and your immediate families life, a fantastic opportunity and one you would be unlikely to do with older children. Your parents can come and visit as can your sister and you can come back to visit too. Frankly your relationship with your parents sounds rather unhealthy and as a parent they should want the best for you not to hold you back.

yes, go for it - but:

Put your house in the hands of a reputable letting agency who will take care of everything, vet tenants, see to repairs, etc, for a reasonable fee

dream on. the buck still stops with you and you need to think very hard about whether rental is worth it.

Your family are being incredibly selfish, I understand why - they don't want to lose you - but it really is an incredible opportunity. Every time moving to Australia comes up on MN the nutters come out with their ignorant comments (most of them have never even been here, they probably get their "information" from reading The Sun). I worked as an equality and diversity consultant in England for 12 years and I have never come across as much racism and ignorance in Sydney as I did in England. Come, bring your kids and have an adventure,