Parents don’t want me to go to Australia

[coco123456789]

My DH has been headhunted for an amazing job. But my family are very unsupportive. They think if we go we might not come back and that we should just get on with life here, settle for a ‘normal’ life as that’s good enough for everyone else. My husband is really ambitious and motivated by his job (hence him being sought out like this) but my parents view is that you just work to
support your family, shouldn’t let work be too important etc. I guess they have this luxury as they are baby boomers who could afford a great house without ever having to get too crazy at work. Am I being held back by them, or am I being selfish to leave them? I just don’t know. I have posted before about this as I am also worried I am being selfish in not letting my husband take his dream opportunity. His own parents are very supportive but they are far more contained, happy with each other and have loads of friends etc so they don’t need us so much.

Haven't RTFT as short of time but in your position Coco I would definitely go - it sounds a wonderful opportunity not just for your husband but for the whole family.

I speak from experience - my parents didn't want us to go to New York when we were offered the chance through the company we worked for. It was the best thing we ever did. Only for 18 months but we've never regretted it. Your parents are being selfish I'm afraid.

Go, and have a fabulous life.

I would choose London over Melbourne any day (Melbourne is probably the least nice Australian city or at least on par with Perth). But if it’s not a permanent move I don’t see the issue. Worst case scenario you don’t like it and come back and your children benefit from a broader life perspective. Best case you love it and you stay forever.

I found Melbourne by far the nicest Australian city, and I spent time in all of them expect Adelaide. Also liked Perth. I would pick both of them over London.

You should go. It's a fabulous opportunity for all of you. I've been in Australia from London for 15 years, having previously lived in Italy, Germany, Thailand and the Netherlands.

Melbourne is great and much more like London than Sydney or Brisbane.

However, I would pay a great deal of attention to the visa that your husband is going to be given. Visas have become increasingly difficult in the last few years, a sign of increasing xenophobia globally.

Make sure it is one with a pathway to PR (Permanent Residence) that he also qualifies for. If not, you'll be on a revolving 2 or 4 year visa, which will give you no protection if something happens to his job. If something happens then he'll have 60 days to find another one or get you all out of the country, which is not going to be easy if he is so niche. It's just happened to a very senior friend of mine who was head hunted to a $$$ role from Singapore, and I've seen it several times before.

Also - make sure you are protected yourself. If he is the visa holder and something happens to your relationship then you are screwed if the children are considered 'ordinarily resident' in Australia. If you leave the house (or he does) then you invalidate your right to remain as a spouse and may have to leave the country without the children (this is based on advice from my lawyer in Sydney). As you would retain a property in the UK and are only planning 3 years then you might be ok, but it's well worth getting advice before you go ahead.

Just do it, its your life to live. Moving to Australia was the best thing I ever did, I wouldn't move back for all the tea in China. And I much prefer Perth to London (lived there for ten years). They are both fabulous cities in different ways though. Melbourne is fab too (except for the weather).

And typically we see the usual old tropes of Australia being racist and boring coming up again. You really haven't got a clue mate!

From the perspective of your DC - my parents moved us to Australia for a job (military job transfer) when I was in my first decade, for three years. I have incredibly fond memories of that time - we knew we were on limited time there so made the most of everything, the climate and outside lifestyle was brilliant for kids, and the proximity to Asia meant that as a family we visited lots of places we simply wouldn’t have done in the UK (think Bali and Fiji for the weekend). They’d have a blast!

It sounds like you want to, your husband wants to, so why not?

I will never understand parents who try to stop their children doing what they want to do.

My husband is from the opposite side of the world to the UK. One of us is always a 14 hour flight from our parents. It sucks but that's life. His parents are very supportive, they have full lives with hobbies, friends and meet up with their families often. My parents will occasionally guilt trip me: they have no friends, barely see family, have some hobbies but none that get them out of the house. (I ignore their guilt trips btw.)

I think the problem so often is that the parents' lives are too small.

Melbourne is a fantastic place. I didn't want to leave but my Visa ran out.
If you want to try it you should go. I guess your parents worry you might not want to come back which is a possibility.
Do you know whereabouts in melbourne you'd live?

I'd go - you can't live everybody else's life for them and you may come to resent them a few years down the line for 'stopping' you. I left the UK 10+ years ago and really enjoy my trips back and get to spend quality time with friends and family when I visit them. If you want to go, go. Nothing is ever final and if it doesn't suit you can always come back. Life is for living!

Hi OP I went to Oz in 2003 intending to just go for 6 months of fun. Met my now DH and stayed longer
He got an offer not unlike your DHs to move again to another country. We weren't even engaged but he said to me I want you to come but I'm going anyway
I figured well if it doesn't work out I can still go back. It was the job of a lifetime for him of course he had to take it !
My mum said not to fo without being engaged and I did anyway
She didn't talk to me for a while but i now understand she was upset I wasn't coming back !
We've now lived overseas for 15 years and this is home
We feel guilt and know they miss us but we made a great life and feel we have more than we would if we lived in the Uk
Go for it
You never know what it could be like and if it's shit you can leave again

From a parents perspective, I would be absolutely devastated if my children wanted to move to the other side of the world I'm afraid. Even for 3 years. I look after my grandson one day a week, have done since he was a tiny baby, so have a very close relationship with him. The thought of this stopping actually brings tears to my eyes. Yes, there's ways of speaking whenever you want from around the world, but nothing can replace being in their physical presence, him giving me a great big hug, a sloppy kiss, wanting me to pick him up and sing his favourite song. I have as strong a relationship with him as I did his mum when she was his age!
So I completely understand where your parents are coming from. Try to imagine going all that way but leaving your children here? You'd just never even dream of doing it. Your parents don't have a choice, they are powerless. I've read lots of the posts from parents here that say your parents are being selfish, of course not wanting to have your family move so far away is selfish, that's not a negative thing!
Before you do go, sit down with them and book flights out for them to visit three months after you arrive. That way they have something to look forward to. I'm sure they will get used to you being away, so if you end up staying long term it will be easier for them to deal with, but don't kid yourselves. If they're feeling anything like me, to them it's like a bereavement.

Soontobe60, don't you want your children to be independent and to experience everything the world has to offer?

Your whole post is about what YOU would miss out on.

I find that very sad.

I personally wouldn't go. Wild fires. Global warming. Blatant racism and sexism tolerated.

Coming from London, the isolation and utter boredom after a while cannot be underestimated....

Have you ever even been to Australia? Perhaps you should worry about making ignorant statements about an ENTIRE continent. Utter bloody garbage.

Playing devils advocate here.

If your husbands job is niche would it be possible for him to go back and find a good job after three years?

Any type of life can be isolating if you dont get out there and become part of the community.

Melbourne is a great city, but the weather can go from 40 degrees to 20 in the space of three hours. The whole 4 seasons in one day thing.

IME and to Cantbelieve's point (and this may not be Sydney/Au specific as I've been out of London a long time) but I think if I migrated to Australia now in a niche position I would make sure I networked my community massively as soon as I got there.

The visas are so short and difficult - I'm sure this will be reversed again at some point - but for now if I were in a niche industry I would make sure I knew as many people in that industry as possible across the country. That way if something does happen, you can call on the network.

As a SAHM travelling out there with him, I would do the same - there's an important network there too. It's a VERY small place in business, especially in niche industries.

Hello OP!

I have been in Perth for over a year now. Luckily we did have supportive parents . My one top tip is to he abit ‘cold’ you kind of have to shut off abit of emotion so your not home sick constantly. To me, the lifestyle is worth missing family. It’s not easy I will admit. You just have to weigh up your personal pros and cons.

Ps I don’t see racism or sexism, ignore that! Plus bushfires are nowhere near us.

Your family are being selfish to put pressure on you to live your life for them. I can understand their anxiety that you won't ever come back, but they should keep this to themselves. They've done their job by raising you to be an independent adult, but it's your life to live and if you're saying three years in Australia while they're young and healthy enough to come and visit and have lovely holidays with you and their GC I think they should shut up, plaster a smile on their faces and support you.

Of course your parents don't want you to emigrate. But it's your life. Their wishes honestly don't even rate.

@Soontobe60 Your whole post is self self self.

but don't kid yourselves. If they're feeling anything like me, to them it's like a bereavement.

Nicely laying on the guilt there! Sorry, but it's nothing like a bereavement.

As a parent, I would be upset if my children wanted to move back to the UK, or elsewhere. However, my job as their parent is to support their dreams and accept that they are their own people with their own goals, wants and needs. It would upset me much much more to be told that they resent me for preventing them from following their dreams.

I imagine it really upset my dad knowing I wanted to move here, but he gave me his blessing and never overshadowed my excitement with his sadness.

Your family are so selfish and small minded. At one point all 3 of us children were abroad, encouraged by my parents to see the world and take amazing career opportunities. It never occurred to me to say no to anything, nor did it occur to my parents. Of course we missed each other but that's what Skype and email are for.

My dad has career opportunities he didn't take as his family were so unsupportive then he realised he was holding himself back and started doing what he wanted to do.

My mum was a trailing spouse with a career of her own though. I think you need to really consider what asking your husband not to take this opportunity will do to your marriage.

In his shoes, I would resent you for putting your family ahead of our family

If it's just a guaranteed three years, then I don't see what the big deal is.

That being said, ten years ago this month we were putting the final touches on a move to the UK for a "few" years (we're from America) That "few" has now been nine and a half years. My America-born son, who was a toddler when we moved over, is essentially a typical British tween. Time flies...be mindful.

You shouldn't have to make yourself small and limit your life's ambitions just to make your parents feel better!!
Grab life by the throat and shake it till it's teeth rattle😁 extend yourself, fill your boots, you only get one life make the most of it!
your parents should be ashamed of themselves, they should want you to fulfill yourself as much as you can
how selfish of them holding you back like that😡

Gah. Do it. The will manage. You get an adventure. Maybe you'll stay, maybe you won't. We lived there 15 months. I had to make a decision to come back to UK or not, and I chose UK but it was a REALLY difficult choice.