What if your kids don’t want to go?

[Cat1nthehat]

Told our kids about move next year to USA. Daughter (13) in floods of tears saying she doesn’t want to go, refuses to move. She’s been crying for an hour now. I feel so guilty. How do you know you’re making the right decision? What if she gets there and doesn’t make any friends 😢 and I’ve moved her half way across the world away from all her friends.

Help as I just feel like the most selfish person in the world right now

Oh my goodness I was just about to come and ask s very very similar question. My husband has an offer of a new job in Europe and I'm really concerned about my eldest and her missing out on year 6 here and making friends overseas and everything it entails. What is the best thing to do? The move offers great opportunities but filled with mixed emotions

Is it permanent? Give her a chance to assimilate it. Then find information which might make it seem more positive.

I had colleague in same position. Within months of move daughter was fully fledged American girl. They can never come back now as daughters (now adults) will never leave

She’s now been sick and spent the rest of the evening saying she’s ill even though she was fine before. Gone to bed crying and not even watched “I’m a celeb” despite never missing an episode. What am I doing 😭

She’s a child. The world is over as far as she is concerned! She has no experience of life. She’s getting her knickers in a twist about nothing.

Move with the caveat that if it sucks you will all return home within x timeframe.

It is not the end of the world. I think you need to expect her behaviour as she’s like a child taking a strop because there is no chocolate ice cream left just vanilla. Stop freaking out. You’re making adult decisions about what’s best for the family, which she can’t possibly understand as she’s a child. Point out the good stuff. Like having more money, lots if clubs in school to meet new friends, hot guys in football teams, cheerleading etc.

What is the reason for the move?

Reason for the move is husband work- company transfer but more money and promotion.
Sorry it’s just hard not to freak out as I’ve never seen her so upset. My son seems fine but she is taking it hard. Hopefully with time, she will come round to the idea.

Is it permanent? Where exactly are you moving? Is she the eldest? It will have come as a shock, I'm sure she'll calm down and of course you will feel terribly guilty. I often think about moving abroad but now my 8 and 6 year old are settled at school I am not sure I could. However, I think what a wonderful opportunity it would be for all of us, how quickly children adapt and make new friends, all of the new things you'll get to do, how much fun it will be having penpals etc etc. I moved to California from the UK when I was 7 for four years. I did find it hard settling in but I have always been a very homesick person. It was a wonderful time though and I still remember it with real fondness and would love to give my children the same opportunity. Everyone will love her over there, they love us Brits and our accent. People are so friendly and welcoming and it's so easy to keep in touch nowadays.

It is a difficult age to move at - you take her seriously and do not treat her like a child crying about ice-cream as Elieza suggests...

Talk to her, listen to her...

Is this a move you have to make because if you don't the sole/ main earner will be unemployed and unable to find a suitable job where you live now? If so, explain to her when she's calm. If not - rethink.

We moved abroad with a toddler. We wouldn't uproot our teen and pre teen unless there really was no alternative. Any further moves will have to wait until they've all completed their compulsory education.

If my parents had of told me I was moving to America at any age I'd have reacted the same. Anywhere in the world I'd have actually been pleased about but I think unless your raised in America it's a really shit place to be

Well I don’t blame her. I would hate to move to the other side of the world away from everything Ive ever known.
I think your being selfish.

I think that’s an extremely hard age to move, socially and educationally.

Don’t think promotion/money is worth it.

Money doesn’t go far in the US anyway.

So you've fully decided the move without even sounding her out about it, 'what if dad had the chance to work abroad and we all went...?' style? I can see why a teenager is upset that their life will change dramatically and it was all decided before they even knew a thing.

I work in an international school in a transient area and see this regularly.

She needs to digest and you need to be sensitive with her. Her world is being turned upside down. Reassure her. There is social media, Whatsapp, FaceTime etc to maintain contact with friends.

That said, the majority of the time, it's absolutely fine six months after.

I think your selfish and not putting your children first.

When you have children you need to consider their wants and needs too, it’s not all about what you and your husband want.

You have to be very careful with children. My mother did what she wanted all the time and us kids just had to suck it up. The move has to be right for everyone

We moved to Oz when dd was 8, and that was tough enough from a social and school perspective. There’s still a bit of her that resents the move. Would not consider uprooting her now she’s 13 and her friendships are even more important.

The problem is that my husbands job has evolved so much that he is pretty much spending all his time in the USA and coming back at the weekend. It’s like a long distance marriage. He will still be working there whether we move or not.
We said to the kids that we had been offered the opportunity to move out there and nothing was decided yet. That was when it all went wrong. So she’s not been informed that it’s even definitely happening, we were hoping to get them on board but it looks like it might be a bit more difficult that we anticipated. Hopefully she might be a bit more receptive in the morning.

Honestly if she's that distressed I'd suck it up and deal with having a long distance relationship for a few years. She's a child and this is a really crucial stage.

I moved across my city when I was just a bit younger than your dd to an area and school where I knew no one (may as well have been the opposite end of the country) and socially I never really recovered from that upheaval, have no friends from school and only one friend from childhood so I don't have that very deep bond with anyone now unlike others who maintained one or two childhood friendships.

I'm 30 next year.

Listen to your dd and put her first.

I have a 16 year old, a 14 year old and a 10 year old and there’s no way that they would take this remotely well. They’re happy, settled in schools, have great friends and familiarity. If there were no other option, like NO other option, then they would have to but otherwise, I’d try and make it work for them to stay where they are happy, close to family and their own support networks. I remember my mother mooting a 1 year placement in North Carolina and being quite certain that I didn’t want to go. She didn’t go in the end. I feel bad now for her - it would have been interesting for her and she loves America. But at the same time, I’m glad she didn’t go, for my sake.

I cant imagine my child taking this at al lwell you are completely uprootkbn their life and there's nothing they can do about it. Youll cut her off from all she knows, school, friends, clubs and every frame of reference.

I'd personally probably perservere with distance relationship and spend holidays in America

Cat1nthehat listen to her - don't just expect her to be receptive. Don't underestimate how very difficult having your world contract down to your nuclear family is at 13 - the age at which peers become more important influences than nuclear family to a young person, as is right and proper to their development.

Don't forget how stressful just being 13 is. Everything is constantly changing, not least your own body, your idea of who you are, your relationship with your parents and your realisation that they are as fallible as you are, your new interest in the opposite sex (or the same sex in new ways), in your appearance - the cataclysmic insecurity alternating with arrogance born of defensiveness that comes with that...

Then rip the ground out and say we're moving thousands of miles away from your friends, possibly extended family, possibly hobbies or sports integral to your sense of who you are, certainly the school system you know. Remember that American high schools are mostly portraid in the media as very cliquey and socially brutal places if you don't fit in...

You need to listen to her worries and let her know that you take them seriously and understand what an enormous deal this is for her.

Whether you ultimately move is a different question - it's not necessarily moving that's awful so much as being told that your feelings about moving don't matter and your problems are trivial compared to mum and dad having a long distance marriage. Don't expect the receptiveness to be one way. You listen to her... Then later (the next day or after s break for lunch/ snacks/ activities) you talk ...

Encourage questions, do you know anything about schools in the place you'd move to? Would she go to an international school or an ordinary American state school?

I don't think it's selfish to consider moving. But I think it's a very very big thing - even more so at 13 then almost any other age. We moved a couple of miles when my DD was a similar age (and the most level-headed teenager I know) and she was really upset at the prospect. The other side of the world, leaving all her friends... It's a massive deal. Also she'll have seen a hundred American high school movies which are a really scary prospect for teenagers.
But if it's the right thing for your family life then you'll get through it and she'll get through it too.

Everything's the end of the world when you're 13, but you're not being selfish, it's a great opportunity for her.

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