What if your kids don’t want to go?

[Cat1nthehat]

Told our kids about move next year to USA. Daughter (13) in floods of tears saying she doesn’t want to go, refuses to move. She’s been crying for an hour now. I feel so guilty. How do you know you’re making the right decision? What if she gets there and doesn’t make any friends 😢 and I’ve moved her half way across the world away from all her friends.

Help as I just feel like the most selfish person in the world right now

We are relocating to a British territory in 3 weeks. My 14 year old totally ignored me for a week when I told him I'd got the job. Two months later, he is really excited about the move, he realises the opportunities will be better there, and we will have more family time.
Give her time. Life would be boring if we all stayed in the same place.
My parents wanted to move out of our hometown when I was 12. Me and my brother kicked up such a fuss we stayed. 30 years later, my brother and I both live in the town they wanted to move to while they are still in the hometown.

I think that you need to be sympathetic to your 13 year old and listen to her concerns. It's understandable at that age to be worried and unhappy at the only life you have ever known being about to change. Ultimately though it's for the adults to make the decision about what's best for themselves and their family. She does not know what opportunities it might bring her and that the world is a big place.

I work with young people in their 20s and I'm shocked at how many of them - not all - lack any sort of resilience. They cannot cope with change, criticism even if it's constructive, or being challenged. It's because they have never been shown that the world is tough and doesn't revolve around their wants and needs.

I'm in my 50s and life gets hard as you get older. Setting aside the ageing process, you start to lose parents and friends and see others facing challenges with illness and elderly parents. We need to build resilience as young people to cope with the challenges life brings.

If you feel this is a good opportunity for your family then go for it. Be sensitive to your children but grab the opportunity for them.

House moving isn’t easy but people move to different areas of the UK and other countries all the time. I did as a child and although my DC’s haven’t, they were at a international school with friends coming and going each term.

There is a big amazing world out there. Take every experience and opportunity you can. 13 year olds are dramatic but she will thank you in the end.

To try and answer some questions..
She has spent considerable amount of time in US, every school holiday for last few years visiting her dad! Loves it and has a great time.
We were looking at a school which is a high school but has an IB program.
The visa is L which is 7 years but with green card sponsorship as it is likely to be permanent. If we don’t go when the kids are kids then they will never get green cards so be unable to live in the US. At least this way they would have a choice about where they go to uni (uk or us) and where they live as an adult.

I was going to suggest visiting the US so she can get a taste of it but I see you've already done that!
I personally wouldn't take on such a big move with a child of that age but each to their own.
Just out of curiosity, how old is your other child?

Try not to worry too much at this stage. You've just broken the news and it's quite a lot to process. I say this as a child who was relocated at a similar age and as an adult with a life that involves moving countries every so often.

It's hard for people who don't live this type of life to contemplate leaving family and friends. There is often a strong reaction on these threads.

Give it a bit more time and be positive but understanding, you say she loves visiting and the move will reunite the family. You just need the excitement to overtake the fear.

At this age all reactions are huge and any slight change is the end of the world.

I wouldn't let this stop the move, keep reassuring her, involve her in looking at the school, houses etc and keep reminding her of the contact options once moved - but I'd be clear that the move is happening.

It's not sustainable to keep long distance and this is a great opportunity - opening more doors in the future for your children and keeping your family together.

A cautionary tale.

A school friend of my DS was put in the same position when she was 14. She begged to be allowed to live with her grandparents but her parents wouldn't let her. She had to be dragged onto the plane.

2 years later they had to send her home to live with family because she was still distraught and had serious mental health issues. She improved with treatment and caught up on her education and eventually went to university.

She has cut herself off entirely from her parents.

People saying she'll get over it may not be right.

Really? Many people on this thread would not move because a 13 year old didn’t want to?

You and your DH are the ones who get to make this decision, not your 13 year old daughter.

She may be upset, but you help her deal with it, not change your plans to suit her.

She needs time to come to terms.
It’s a biggish deal but plenty of children get moved and cope fine.
Give her time. Don’t let her think it’s an option for her or that she’ll impact on the decision as it allows insecurity and uncertainty to creep in.
Sell with subtlety. Give her as much information as possible. Involve her in decisions she can be party too - which house, which school etc.
Once school sorted ask for a buddy ahead of her move and start building a pen pal type arrangement.
Weeping and wailing is better than keeping in her feelings. An evening of weeping and wailing will make her throat sore and make her sick.
This is where you have to be the parent making hard decisions rather than being a best friend.

I would happily emigrate as an adult if necessary. I would never do it to a teenager if they didn't want to go. Their opinion is no less valid than an adult's and it's much easier for an adult to adapt to a new living environment.

Just about to move to the UK with my 12 year old DD - like you, we have visited often (I am from the UK, so we have spent Xmases etc with family). She is a bit wobbly but overall positive.

I think what has helped DD

• plenty of time to process it, for various reasons we started thinking about it seriously 3 years ago, and only now moving

• plenty of discussion about keeping in touch with friends. It helps that her closest friends have also moved school/house, so their day to day contact is already on social media and then a sleepover in the holidays. Have a plan and show that you will support her to stay in touch.

• looking at possible schools, dance classes etc together, so she is excited about the opportunities she will have compared to where we are now (Cape Town)

• we will review after 2 years, and can always come back

• a bit of cunning about timing the move. We will get there a few days before the new school term starts, so there isn't time to sit around worrying and not knowing anyone her age.

If you and DH think it will be an overall positive for your family, then go. Just don't burn too many bridges, and after a reasonable amount of time you decide it isn't positive then move back.

Sorry for jumping on the thread again but thank you to everyone for food for thought as we are planning on moving to Europe for my husband's job and I am very concerned about my eldest (9) and how she will cope with it.

13 (particularly for girls) is just about the worst age to face a move like this.
But yes, though it's important to take her concerns seriously and empathise with her, a 13 year old doesn't get to dictate something as big as this.

Good luck. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to see her like this.

Whereabouts in the US will you move to, OP. I'm in the Midwest and love it here - has children here and am so glad my children are being raised here.

We will be living in New Hampshire with husband commuting to north mass for work.
Things are much much better today. She is still saying she doesn’t want to go but is laughing and joking with us again and no tears. I’ve said to her it’s not a done deal yet and we will visit some schools. I think the shock was awful for her but today she is much brighter, and we are all feeling more positive.

I will be working too, when I find a job, but my area is in a critical shortage in terms of recruitment in that state so hopefully me finding a job won’t be too difficult.

That's a really lovely part of the country. I'd love to live in the NE! I hope you can all embrace the opportunity and give it a good go. I've been here almost 17 years and it's the best decision I've ever made. PM me if you have any specific questions; I'm happy to offer any advice I can.

I think New Hampshire is supposed to be nice. My dad’s job offer was in Detroit, hence the concerns about gun crime, etc.

I’m glad your daughter is calming down. Keep talking to her. Keep giving her time.

We will be living in New Hampshire with husband commuting to north mass for work.

That's a really lovely part of the world. We go to New Hampshire a lot - hiking, skiing, swimming, boating, camping. It's one of my favourite states.

It's good she's sounding a bit happier. I would say educationally 13/14 is the absolute oldest I'd move a child between the UK and US. From that point on they're really focusing on their curriculum.

DH was offered a job on the other side of the US earlier this year and we had long conversations with our 14 and 16 year olds about it. I think the 14 year old would have been OK academically, but it was going to be really tough for the 16 year old, even just changing schools within the US.

They were both sad at the idea of leaving friends and a much loved home behind, but also excited at the idea of living somewhere very different.

A few things to consider.

What happens when your children hit 18? At this point they may be quite American, and have no intention of ever going back to the UK. How do you feel about them marrying Americans, having American children, etc?

OTOH they might want to go to university back in the UK, in which case what kind of support mechanisms might you put in place? We have lots of family back in the UK, and if my children want to go to college there then they will have family nearby pretty much wherever they go.

How will you maintain your connections with family at home? We spend quite a bit on things like flights home for the children (and sometimes us) so that they can spend time with cousins and grandparents. We also often subsidise family visiting us, again to maintain those relationships. We also use things like Facetime a lot to stay in touch. Social media really does make it much easier to stay connected.

Are you ready to have American children with American accents? Who adore American sports, possibly take up things like hunting that you might not agree with? Who will support American baseball and football teams that you know little about? Personally I've taken the attitude that by raising my children in the US they will be Americans, but will have a bit of a broader worldview because they are immigrants.

Also do check the schools where you plan to move. Some are excellent. Our experience of New England schools has been wonderful.

Happy to answer any more questions about the practicalities of moving to New England :-)

Oh, and from a personal viewpoint, everyone in my family pretty much has at some point moved their children from one continent to another, or has been that child that was moved. I had a fairly multicultural upbringing, and DH's was extremely varied, and both of us appreciate that.

The people in our family who appear to be least happy are those who stayed put in the UK.

But that's just personal experience - really doesn't mean all that much.

Also from a personal POV - my children have had a lovely life and a great education here in the US. None of them has any desire to live anywhere else.

Thanks for your comments. It is likely to be a permanent move (unless we absolutely hate it), I’m not fussed about them having American partners etc, that’s down to them, and it’s down to them where they settle as an adult.

If they want to go to university in the uk then both sets of grandparents live here and we would facilitate flights, it looks like it’s cheaper for them to go to uni in uk as an international student than in USA but again, it would be their choice and we would just deal with financial implications.

I would be happy if they followed American sports as it would help them make friends, sadly neither of them are sporty at all!!

The school we are particularly keen on is rated very well on all the websites etc but we are yet to visit.

It’s just horrible knowing you are going to move them from somewhere where they are happy.

You’re moving to a lovely part of the world - enjoy!

It’s just horrible knowing you are going to move them from somewhere where they are happy.

Oh I felt exactly the same way when we were considering a move this summer. It was probably the toughest thing about the decision.

You sound like you have the right attitude for the move. I hope it all works out, whatever you decide.

Can't you have a holiday (or two) there first? Maybe during school holidays? Presumably DH has got somewhere to stay and you could stay as well? Or Airbnb?

@Singlenotsingle rtft. Or at least all the OP's posts

She has spent considerable amount of time in US, every school holiday for last few years visiting her dad! Loves it and has a great time.