What if your kids don’t want to go?

[Cat1nthehat]

Told our kids about move next year to USA. Daughter (13) in floods of tears saying she doesn’t want to go, refuses to move. She’s been crying for an hour now. I feel so guilty. How do you know you’re making the right decision? What if she gets there and doesn’t make any friends 😢 and I’ve moved her half way across the world away from all her friends.

Help as I just feel like the most selfish person in the world right now

I don't think a long-distance marriage/family is that sustainable, not is it fair on your husband. If it's likely that your marriage is being negatively impacted by the current arrangement then moving is putting her first.

Take some time making sure she is aware of how she can still keep in touch with friends and how visits will be arranged. To me though, at 13 she has no choice.

OP, you’ll get rather biased responses on Mn, as it’s a quite Little Englander forum in many ways, and emigration, or even moving within a country, is viewed as a ‘selfish’ and untoward act.

Does your husband really want this move? What about you (as in, beyond the fact it would bring you together more)? Would he consider other job options?

@Gallivespian I always see people being told to move and suck it up!

Can she go ti an english curroculum school? She will be all geared up for gcses, have an idea how her future few years will be. I dont think you can underestimate how hard this could be.

Me too Buttery. I dont really know anyone irl who would do this. Its more a mn thing I think!

Why can't your DH just look for a new job in the UK?

I think you need to show her where it is and work through it

How long are you planning on going for - what age would she be when she gets back. How will it affect her future education - could she port it from here to there. Are you planning on international school or local high school?

She is bound to be upset - but it will be fab. It’s so good to move kids around a bit, push them out of their comfort zone. I would have hated the idea too but I wish now I had been moved around a bit, it would have toughened me up and made my mind expand.

It’s much better to have the family together and as long as you are going to a decent place (?) it will be amazing for them.

Let it sink in, show them where you are going, what they can do/go, what kind of house you can have and she might start to come around.

13 is a difficult age so you need to go softly but be positive and I’m sure it will become an adventure rather than a miserable experience!

I’m surprised at the negativity on this thread, what an opportunity, grab it with both hands and have fun!

4 years ago I would have said go for it & your DD will come round.
Having done similar albeit only one part of the UK to another as DH decided to change roles in the company & seeing how it has affected my DD (she was only 9 at the time). Well it's not turned out exactly how we thought it would.
DH & I getting divorced & DD & I are moving back. Oh & DH lost his job a year after the move.
Oh how I wish I'd listened to DD & been more vociferous at the time about not going.
Funnily enough DH's parents moved from one end of the country to the other when he was 10 & he's always been affected by that, leaving behind friends he'd had since playgroup.
I resent the choice he/we made & the fact we he didn't take on board how our DD felt & what has subsequently happened.

Plenty of marriages cope long distance but obviously some don't.

We use to move around every 3 years for my dads job. Yes it was hard leaving all my friends and moving to new countries and i would be unbelievably upset when my parents told me we were moving again.. but it didn't last.. and looking back, it was an amazing adventure and would not change it!!

So you want to rip her out of her life when she would have been starting GCSEs? How long for? What if it doesn't work out and you end up coming back in a year? Or she wants to go to university in the UK? How do her future educational opportunities fit into this?

Some kids adapt, some kids thrive and some do not.

You just announced you want to take away her stability and support network at a time in her life when things are changing out of her control. Never mind her vision of her future life she's been building to and preparing for. I'm genuinely baffled that you can be surprised this would be distressing to her.

Honestly if she's that distressed I'd suck it up and deal with having a long distance relationship for a few years. She's a child and this is a really crucial stage.

I agree.

My husband's family moved him from posh urban north West to rural down south when he was 15 and it all went completely pear-shaped for them. He was taken away from a friendship group that had built up up all his life where he was so happy he said he felt so lonely for the first year and then got in with a really bad crowd and dropped out of school. They moved for the money and a big house but his mum always says it was the worst decision they ever made. When he was 22 he moved back up here and the family gradually followed. So it's always worth listening to your children. It's a tricky age.

Yeah, stay exactly where you are until your children are thirty-five, in case they might experience some trifling discomfort, or have to make new friends. Seriously?

This happened to me. I was 15 when I was told dad got a job abroad. They gave me and my brother a choice and we both said no. Mum and dad still went and they didn't make me go..I wish they had because I have always had attachment issues, I went off the rails as a teen, only saw worth in boyfriends. Everyone I ever tell say they don't understand how my mum could have left me..and I dont either.
I said I didn't want to go because I had a year if school left and didn't want to learn the other countries language, make new friends, leave my boyfriend etc etc but the fact is I was far too young to make that decision. By 17 I was living in my own in a studio flat they bought for me..but u had no love, nurture or support. So my advice is to either not go or all go. Looking back, I wish I went! I'd have been able to speak another language fluently and made a lot of connections and who knows what job is have had.

People are just giving different points of view it's always worth considering everything. At the end of the day you know your family. I would never uproot children at that age because to me their happiness is the most important thing and having a stable childhood contributes massively to feeling secure and grounded. But that is just my view of it other people have different opinions.

I wouldn’t move to the US because of their gun laws. Can DH look for another job?

She's 13- of course she thinks her life is over- it's a dramatic age. I wouldn't be stopping the move based on an initial hysterical (understandable) reaction. Has she been to where you would be moving? I agree regarding a timeframe and then you'd co wider moving back- but it would have to be a significant enough time for her to really try- not a knee jerk time frame- I'd say at least a year, preferably 2.

I moved at 11. Screwed me up for decades. I moved back as soon as I was able to as an adult and have never lived near my parents again and never will.

Really surprised at these responses. I would go for it.
We currently live in Asia and are looking for new jobs now. Both my 13 and 8 year olds are excited to move, but we have involved them in our decisions from the start.
Dd1 has friends over 3 continents from previous moves. I was once FB friends with the mums, the dcs now keep in touch through Instagram/ whatsapp.
I would keep talking to her, it could be an incredible opportunity for you all.

Don't worry too much at the moment.

Are you taking the kids over to visit the area you're thinking of? Stay with some friends or a lovely hotel? Arrange a fun packed trip exploring the area, any attractions etc. Make it a real and enjoyable place rather than an abstract terrifying concept. Look at the schools?

...personally I wouldn't move the the states. The cost of living is silly, the standard/typical food dire, education... grossly overpriced beyond school and fuck me the children's schools all have shooter drills because school shootings are literally a regular occurrence.

Yes it’s a big thing now. But build it up for her. Take her on taster trips to New York or LA or the place you’ll be moving to if you can afford it. Show her that the USA will be amazing.

It will be a great experience even if she doesn't appreciate the opportunity just now. Tell her it's been decided that the move is in the best interest of the entire family and you are all going. BTW I spent my entire childhood moving because of my dads job and it was fine and yes there were times when I didn't want to go.

Cat1nthehat will you have the right to work in the US? Are you giving up any kind of career?

Is this a short term "ex pat" move or is it for the foreseeable future?

Do you understand that if you're away two years before DD would go to university she or you'll be paying much higher fees, either US university fees or overseas fees in the UK?

The little Englander accusations are misplaced because most of us saying that this is not something to do lightly with a 13 year old have experience of big moves as older children, or live overseas... This is the living overseas board...

The people talking about learning a new language are ignoring the fact you're moving to the USA not France/ China...! As well as the fact this is no longer as easy at 13 as at 3, the neuroplasticity is not the same and at 13 a new language won't be picked up in the same way a small child does it, but learnt the way an adult does. This is irrelevant for a move to America anyway obviously.

I live overseas and know that emigrating is hard for an adult and children of school age, generally the older the harder. Lots of emigration attempts with an effectively trailing spouse fail because the spouse becomes deeply unhappy especially if they have older children who aren't home with them, are used to working and are not legally (or due to language) able to work in the new country.

This move might work out but there are a lot of variables (if your husband is a very high earner and will have an expat contract an international school will soften the change of school system blow at last, and the financial implications for your DD if she wishes to go to university can be mitigated).

Take her seriously, it doesn't mean you absolutely shouldn't go but she isn't being dramatic - there will be an absolutely massive impact on your 13 year old daughter.