What if your kids don’t want to go?

[Cat1nthehat]

Told our kids about move next year to USA. Daughter (13) in floods of tears saying she doesn’t want to go, refuses to move. She’s been crying for an hour now. I feel so guilty. How do you know you’re making the right decision? What if she gets there and doesn’t make any friends 😢 and I’ve moved her half way across the world away from all her friends.

Help as I just feel like the most selfish person in the world right now

My kids were 13, 8 and 4 when we moved to Australia from the UK. Everyone said the 13yo would hate us, it would be really difficult etc. He settled pretty fast despite a hiccup where he moved from his first school after eight weeks as we had clearly made the wrong choice. Playing sport helped him make friends. He was in England last year for a holiday and could get home fast enough! The 8 yo was harder, we promised him he would live in a house with a pool and he always has. Kids are adaptable and bottom line is that parents need to make the right decision for the whole family. Good luck with the move.

Another couple of cautionary points. My friend moved abroad with her family and is now stuck there as they have settled and so she can never move back to the UK and she does miss it a lot although the rest of her family is very happy where they are so she just has to stick it out.

The other problem came when her dad got ill and died and later on her mum did. I know she regretted a lot not being there as much as she would have liked to have been in their final years because they were very close family. She was flying back and forth but still it's not the same as actually being on the spot and being able to to really support them through those final years.

Your family becomes fragmented across several countries. When family is important to you that really is a massive wrench.

I moved at that age. Only 30 miles away but it damaged my confidence and sociability immensely. I never found "my tribe" in the new town.

I'm lucky to have retained close friends from my pre 13yo days. None from the new area. As a poster up thread said, the USA is very different and your daughter might really struggle. Is it worth it? Can you come home if it doesn't work out?

In my childhood I learnt local language from scratch in local school (no fancy international schools) 3 times over again - incl English 2 years before GCSE exams.

But I was excited every time, not crying my heart out at prospect of change though. Worth listening and preparing your child, it can't be fun to have anxious personality. Let it sink in for a bit. Reassure it's a temporary move? Isn't it? Permanent is rather frightening..

I moved at 14 to the other end of the UK, it was my parents choice and when I found out I was inconsolable. I didn't want to go and I remember arriving at our new house a few months later and telling them I would never settle here. I gradually lost touch with my group of friends back home and did bad at school, mainly due to the school systems being different and they never allowed me to catch up. I was put into the school year due to my age but academically I was actually suited to the year below. 12 years on it was the best thing that ever happened to me. This is my home now and my quality of life is so much better. My older siblings are back home which can be hard at times but I love living here now and am grateful to my parents for making that tough decision. So, while our situations are quite different, it can work out and I hope it does for you all

Give her time to absorb. If she like the place already then that's a big plus anyway.

Gosh as 13 I think it's awful to move her. At least wait until she is 16. Could she live with any family in the UK?

God no, don't move at 16. Talk about an academic nightmare.

Sorry you are in this position op, must be so stressful. Tbh I think my teenagers would react exactly like your dd. Teenage years are the worst time to emigrate or in fact for any big upheaval of any sort. That said if you are going you need to go before gcse options. But honestly my heart breaks for your 13 year old , her whole world has been turned upside down and she has no control over it. Personally I wouldn't move my DC at this age unless it was absolutely essential, could your DH find a role that didnt involve working in the states?

Just wanted to update that now, 48 hours on, she is even starting to ask questions about school and where we would be living! Still saying she doesn’t want to go but is showing an interest. I (tentatively) think we will get there, in time.

That’s great to hear!!

I have to say there have been some fairly ignorant responses about not moving to the USA because it’s full of Trump supporting gun toting crazys!
We were in a similar position to you with my husband’s job 14 years ago. We only had one daughter who was young (16 months) and had great plans to have a 6 months adventure in the States then move back home! As it turns out his job became much bigger and we kept extending our time here until his company sponsored our green cards- 14 years and one more daughter later we are now all citizens and I wouldn’t contemplate moving back!
The US is huge and economically and socially diverse - where you plan to settle will have a major effect on your experiences. We live in the North East and where we are is very democratic (Trump is a dirty word around here!), exceptionally good education system, low gun ownership/crime. I should imagine my experience of living here is worlds apart from someone who moved to Alabama or Tennessee for example!
From what you’ve said, my main concern wouldn’t be that your daughter’s life would be ruined- they absolutely love the accent out here and she would probably be super popular and very welcome. Rather, it would be moving her from the UK system just before starting GCSEs into the last year of middle school and then high school for 4 years. I would only consider moving a teen out here if you are fairly sure she’d be able to stay until she was 18 and be able to graduate high school. Then she’d have the choice of going to college out here or going back to college in the UK (several students from my daughter’s high school go to college in the UK each year)
The other thing to consider is paying for college in the US (expensive!) or being back in the UK long enough so qualify as resident again so you can pay lower tuition rates (I think you have to be living in the UK 2 or 3 years before starting Uni to get resident tuition rates!)

Just to add some support OP. We are currently anticipating a move to the other side of the world - had exactly the same reaction from our 12yo DD. It took time but she is now as excited as we are - however we have reassured her that we will come back in 2 years if it's not working. It was a roller coaster as she found it really hard to absorb. She would now be gutted if it doesn't happen! I'll be resigning my job and will make settling her and my DS an absolute priority. Our move will give us more time together as a family, and a chance to travel. We are also taking the dog, which helps.Good luck - yes it's a risk but also an amazing opportunity and adventure. You will know what's right for your family.

13 is a difficult age. Even if this is something she will like it will take her a bit of time to get her head round the idea.

That said some posts here have me shaking my head. No, not everyone in the USA is toting a gun and voting for trump. No, high school is not like Mean Girls or Heathers. (Some schools are cliquey and some are not.)

The start of high school isn't a terrible time to move provided you are looking at an area where schools are zoned and there isn't an admissions process you'd miss. It's a break point in the US system.

On the plus side for her, if you have an all rounder, the US school curriculum is more flexible and that could be a good thing.

Echoing what the previous poster said, high school out here really isn’t reflective of the movies for the most part. Although saying that, when I visit my daughter’s school it is often like walking on a movie set!
My daughter is a freshman (first year of high school) but in our town they move to the high school in 8th grade - your daughter’s age. I was a teacher in the UK so I can compare the two systems and so far I love the choice my daughter has when it comes to picking classes. And as she progresses she can really expand her choices for electives (the classes she chooses rather than the compulsory ones)
Right now she’s loving digital media and if she wanted to she could carry that through all 4 years and end up with marketable job skills before even going to college! Also, certainly at our school, the sports are amazing. School starts at 7.20 and ends at 2 and then sports/clubs start then for a couple of hours. There honestly is a sport/club for every possible interest a teenager could have.
As I previously stated though, if you’re planning to go back to the UK before she graduates high school at 18 I would research how the transition from US high school to GCSEs/A levels would work! I know that going to Uni in the UK with a high school diploma is absolutely possible- both my girls will have the choice to go to colleges in the US or the UK because as an overseas student in the UK it’s basically the same price as a good state college over here.
Lots to think about but hopefully you can look into high schools where you are moving to (where would it be?) and get her excited about the possibilities! Plus, I’ve been here 14 years, worked in schools for 6 years and the kids/my colleagues still love the accent! Good luck with whatever you decide.

My daughter would be starting high school and we would pretty much guarantee to stay until her and her brother has both finished high school, but tbh, it is likely to be a permanent move.
@Barryallen I would be interested to hear how it is different from a teachers perspective as I am a teacher and my subject is in a critical shortage in the state we are planning to move to, so it looks fairly straightforward in terms of being able to teach. Do they only do the subject for 1 term and then do different options? How does it work?

My daughter is a freshman (first year of high school) but in our town they move to the high school in 8th grade - your daughter’s age. I was a teacher in the UK so I can compare the two systems and so far I love the choice my daughter has when it comes to picking classes. And as she progresses she can really expand her choices for electives (the classes she chooses rather than the compulsory ones)

I have a freshman and a junior and one now at college, and I agree - the choice is great. My husband was a teacher in the UK, although not now working as a teacher here in the US, and is very impressed with our kids' experience of the US system.

Do they only do the subject for 1 term and then do different options? How does it work?

It really varies. Colleges require a certain number of credits in math, science, languages, social studies, arts etc so they generally want to get at least those.

This page bigfuture.collegeboard.org/get-in/your-high-school-record/high-school-classes-colleges-look-for gives you an idea of how you might want to structure the course choices if you're planning to go to college.

Mine have done math, some kind of English course, a language and a social science every year. Sometimes it's a full semester, sometimes a half.

They do a science every year for at least 3 years, sometimes more.

They've also done things like robotics, guitar, chorus and band, art, and some extra very esoteric math courses (DD1 in particular).

I foresee my youngest doing a lot of music and drama, and some very practical courses like engine basics.

My middle one is obsessed with history so has done some kind of history course every year, plus she's currently loving her US government course.

Cat1inthehat
Teaching is very state specific out here. You need to be licensed in the state you want to teach in- a few states have reciprocal agreements between them but for most it requires taking and passing a set of exams to get your license- there are also specific licenses for different types of schools. In the UK I was a key stage 2 teacher for many years but I’ve had to go back to the beginning here and am currently taking my Mtel exams - 3 out of 4 passed but they are very hard (60% pass rate and I have to pay each time I take an exam!)
I’ve also had to pay hundreds of dollars to take exam prep courses because the exams are so specific and I haven’t studied for decades! Once I’ve passed all the exams I have to pay more money to have my degree evaluated - degrees here come with transcripts which obviously is not a UK thing so that involves them contacting my Uni and getting that info - to check my degree covered what they expect it to - and that’s despite me teaching for 14 years before I moved!!
I’m not sure where you’re moving to but if they have a teacher shortage in your subject then that will make it easier to get a job - as long as they decide your degree covers what you’re expected to teach!! I’m kind of retraining in that I’m now aiming to teach Kindergarten. Where we live is quintessential New England so people move here and never move again - that means job openings are few and far between and you need to ‘know someone’ in your school district in order to get a foot in the door. I’ve been working as a TA for 6 years (whilst my kids were younger it suited me better!) and now have a network of colleagues and references I can draw on when I finally get my license and apply for jobs next spring/summer!
Holdmylobster (are you in New England?!) gave a good summary of the different courses. Each state has specific requirements of courses they have to take in order to graduate with their high school diploma. My daughter will have to do 4 years of English, science and math but within that there are a wide variety of courses at 3 different levels (college prep which is the lowest level, honors which are more rigorous and then AP classes which are college based courses that can get them college credits by the time they leave high school)
My daughter is a year ahead in high school math because she took pre algebra in middle school - she did algebra in 8th grade and now is doing geometry for this year - the ‘pathways’ are different in different schools.
When she was in 8th grade choosing her courses for her freshman year me and my husband had a meeting with her guidance counselor and she was fantastic - she talked us through ‘high school 101’ and explained the different pathways, choices, explained what a GPA was and how the rigor of courses she took could weight her GPA- ultimately this score will help her get into the college she wants in the future. If you get an opportunity to visit a school before you move having a meeting like that would help you and your daughter immensely! What I would say is that most larger high schools have a great deal of choice so teens can really pursue their interests/talent be they academic or more towards the vocational.
Lots to consider but I definitely like the system in our school district a lot - both my daughters are flourishing in school here. My youngest is in 7th grade and in a charter middle school which is also an amazing place! Good luck with whatever you decide!!

We moved to the UK last year with our then 13 and 15 year old.

We did a secondment first, so they could see the place and that helped.

They did find it hard, leaving their friends and schools, leaping into the unknown.

We did a fair bit of bribery and corruption, that helped (new mac-books)! And of course, all new bedroom stuff.

We didn't expect them to be happy about it, we let them have their feelings, express their feelings, and empathised and sympathised with them. While saying, however, this is the way it is going to be, there is no going back, so we all have to make the most of it.

The 13 year old found it hard to commit to the new school, and to try and make friends until she accepted that this really was it. It didn't help that her 'friends' back in NZ basically dumped her, not including her in their online chats.

There have been good days and bad days. There have been tears, there has been anger, but now, I think they'd fight us every step of the way if we said they were going back to a Kiwi school. They're excelling at school, they've made good friends, have good friendship groups, have enjoyed experiences that they would never have been able to dream of back in NZ.

We said it would be at least two years before we went back to NZ, even for a visit, so that everyone would be very settled. We go back next year and it will be interesting to see how they go. They're very different people to the people they were, and a lot of that is down to having done this. They're a lot more mature, poised, focused and self confident.

Oh, and do try to plan some awesome holidays to look forward to, in your new country. Ask your daughter where she'd love to go in the States, and plan a holiday there if you can.

Good luck to you all!

Oooh curious what they could do in the Uk that they wouldnt have done in NZ?

Well, travel to Europe for a start! And they love going to London, and things like the Natural History Museum - oh, and Foyles bookshop. And the history of UK - seeing thinks like Avebury and Stonehenge, and Salisbury Cathedral, and Oxford. . .

Also, where we were in NZ was very conservative, and basically you got looked at funny if you wore anything other than jeans and jersey. They've had a great time over here reinventing themselves and finding their style and expressing it.

We also committed to ensuring they could carry on with their hobbies - one of them rides and goes to the most amazing riding school. The other one has found a fabulous ballet school they love.

They both enjoy the great public transport, and it makes them a lot more independent and able to arrange things with their mates without us.

They really rate the education system here.

Sorry OP, that's not helpful to you, is it?!

But while acknowledging the negatives, you really have to work on accentuating the positives, and enabling them to continue to follow their passions, and encourage them to look into these things for themselves.

Also, modern technology means it is easier for them to stay in touch with people back home - although this can be a two edged sword.

Glad to hear its worked so well mbosnz. So often on mumsnet people want to move to Australia (which I know is a different country!) So was curious to hear it from the other perspective.

It boils down to priorities and your beliefs about what will be best for everyone, doesn't it?

My parents moved us quite a few times as children (not abroad thank goodness) and if I am 100% honest, I don't think it was the best thing for me- but it was the best thing for them and my brother and I suppose three people's happiness outweighs one. I don't resent them for making their choices, although I do still wish they'd made a few different ones, especially the last move. I don't think they did anything wrong as such, I just know it made me unhappy and made my life harder.

You have every right as the parent to make the decisions and explain to your dc why you firmly believe this is the right thing to do and that it will be happening. Just don't take some awful "stop whining, stop complaining, you have no right to be upset about this thing that I want and you don't and I'm enforcing" approach- acknowledge the upset, let them express it, don't insist if they tell you later on that it didn't work for them that they don't know what they're talking about.

Barryallen - yes I am in New England, and I'm also in one of those areas that people move to and want to stay forever, so jobs are quite tough to get. All the teachers I know here do seem to love teaching. They're paid fairly well, they get days off when they need them, they have the support they need (school nurses, counselors, career guidance, social workers, etc) which I think really helps. And here, luckily, we don't have huge classes which I think makes teaching much more enjoyable.