What if your kids don’t want to go?

[Cat1nthehat]

Told our kids about move next year to USA. Daughter (13) in floods of tears saying she doesn’t want to go, refuses to move. She’s been crying for an hour now. I feel so guilty. How do you know you’re making the right decision? What if she gets there and doesn’t make any friends 😢 and I’ve moved her half way across the world away from all her friends.

Help as I just feel like the most selfish person in the world right now

Well, travel to Europe for a start! And they love going to London, and things like the Natural History Museum - oh, and Foyles bookshop. And the history of UK - seeing thinks like Avebury and Stonehenge, and Salisbury Cathedral, and Oxford. . .

They both enjoy the great public transport, and it makes them a lot more independent and able to arrange things with their mates without us.

Yes - these are things that my children living in our bit of the US miss out on. I miss them too [wistful smile]

Glad that she has calmed down. It is good that you are playing a long game and to not close down the conversation because of such a dramatic reaction.

We moved from Sydney to UK a few years ago. Our daughter was 10 and really was excited to come, but after being here a while she developed quite a bit of anxiety about not quite fitting in culturally. She still doesn't have many close friends, but she did not in Australia either and we keep reminding her of that. The 'being exotic' aspect was not a plus for her in her eyes in year 6, it made her stand out. However, in year 9, she is using it for all she is worth and gets a huge laugh out of it now.

We have been back a couple of times and each time she is surprisingly happy to come back to the UK. She still says she misses Australia and will 'never call the UK home!' even though she admits that she has had some incredible opportunities here already that she would never have dreamed of and now treasures.

We have had to work really hard with her on her resilience and remind her to focus on the positive aspects of living here. We certainly don't invalidate her more negative feelings about it at all. It has been so hard sometimes that I felt it might not have been worth it despite that we love it here.

I am happy to say though, it is much easier now. Although she still says she wants to go back for uni - and we are quite ok with that. While she may not yet, it makes her feel good knowing she has options.

Instagram allows her to keep in touch with her friends (and yes, I am very strict about how she uses it and she only has been allowed to use it this year). Even better, she realises that her life is not so bad here at all because she sees what they are doing and doesn't ever feel a twinge that she wants to be doing the same.

This has been long winded, but I am telling you this so that you know that there is no cut and dried answers despite all the suggestions that this is a disaster of a move on this thread. And we know from our own experience, it took us four years of living in London the first time around (early 2000s) before we felt like we wanted to stay. So, we expected that it would take that amount of time with her too and I think that it will.

I think that you know your situation best. It is definitely doable. That initial shock may very well give way to a sense of adventure soon.

If you need to get some outside help for your daughter to learn that resilience, do get it. In your case, if your DH has no opportunities here due to being in an narrow industry or has very little prospects here, it really is a decision about keeping your family together or not isn't it?

And keep in mind.... that if he got a new job back here in the UK, it might very well mean he is still working away from you Monday to Friday.

Again, there is no cut and dried answers, just what is right for your family.

We will be in New England and I’ve been in touch with some of the teachers of my subject there who have been very helpful.

Every day she is getting more and more accepting- had a look at houses which was exciting for her as we will be able to have something significantly larger than here... realised that its not too far to Florida and we could go on holiday there easily.... the pros are starting to stack up and she was even laughing about how she would cope without primark!

I think it’s gonna be ok!! A few days ago I felt like cancelling the whole thing but letting her make her own conclusions and assuring her she can visit has helped enormously.

Hopefully it will all work out either way. It is not like your kids won’t be able to continue to do their hobbies or gain others. There are plenty of advantages if it is handled right. Of course, some kids suffer terribly from the anxiety, but love and support also go a long way. Good luck.

@Cat1nthehat There's two or three branches of Primark in Mass!

I'd live in Massachusetts over New Hampshire if given a choice. Assume you will be going private to an international school which will be fine because I really wouldn't recommend NH public schools whereas Mass has phenomenal schools.

It definitely sounds like it will be okay. As I said, there will be good days, and bad days, there will be tears, but there will be excitement and laughter too.

Just allow her to have her feelings, empathise, but make it clear that it's going to happen. Don't be ambiguous or uncertain to her, even if inside you're a load of jello.

One thing I did was to become a SAHP again, so I was there for them to vent to or cry on if they had a bad day. Oh, and if you can find a source of home comforts, that really helps! (Whenever anyone from DH's work goes back home, they very kindly tend to bring us supplies, and the SANZA shop is doing very well out of us!)

@mbosnz

That is what I did too for a few years. Stayed at home for a while. Mine got in the habit of venting as soon as she got home then just got on with homework. But having someone there (in this case it was me) meant she could talk and navigate any issues immediately. And so she could still have her outside interests which she would have lost if I went back full time instead of freelance from home.

I admit that she would have struggled a lot more if we did not have that as an option.

It's nice to feel validated in the 'choice' to SAH for that reason, winesalot! (I get a bit defensive about the whole business, especially on Mumsnet. . .). Um, your username really resonates with me too. . .

My parents moved me aged 10 to a Boston, MA suburb and aged 15 to a big Asian city. Especially with the second move, I felt like my world was over and cried pretty much constantly from when they told me until a week or so after we moved!

Within a few weeks I had new friends and was experiencing something that few people get to experience. I think it has really helped me in many different aspects of life and I wouldn’t change it now for anything.

Mbosnz I know exactly what you mean!! (Especially on MN) Even worse, DH ended up with a job away so he lives away from us Mon-Fri. So, yes.... staying /working from home has made this work for us. Pity about the loss of income and extra costs due to his accommodation but we still make things work. It is still worth it. Sending you a glass for ron (later on!). Call it our after work drinks! cheers!

chink!

@Trispan why do you recommend mass over nh? We weren’t looking at private schools or even international schools, the school that we found was rated very highly and runs the IB. But things are still flexible and I’m interested to hear your views. Lots of dh superiors live in Cambridge, ma but it looks double the price of nh.

I really really don’t want to be a sahm, I think I would go mad and I want to meet lots of new people... it was a real sticking point and I only agreed to the move if the company sponsored a visa that enables me to work.

New Hampshire is lovely, but it can be quite provincial and conservative. (Full disclosure, I’m American and spent several years living in New England.). What city would you be living near? It is really a gorgeous part of the country.

From one of your posts earlier upthread, I do agree that it would be best to go now if the move is likely to be permanent and your children can obtain green cards. My dear friend’s family came to the states from Canada when she was in high school, and her older brother was already in college. It has been a bit of a nightmare because her brother has never been able to get permanent residency in America despite the fact that his entire family lives here. He had to go back to Canada after college.

There are a lot of organisations that you can contact for expats living / working in the US. Find one where you live and maybe see if there are people around your daughter's age that she can talk to to ease some of her fears. A gradual introduction might help.

I think if you find the right school in NH it will be fine. It's ranked fifth by US News overall for education (MA is first). New Hampshire rankings here
www.usnews.com/education/best-high-schools/new-hampshire

I'm in Maine, ranked 28th overall in the country for education, but my kids' school is in the top 500. Bear in mind there are 23,000+ schools being ranked nationwide in those listings.

Personally I'd really rather not live in MA as I hate the endless traffic jams and crowds, and much prefer the compromise between quality of life and great education where we live. But there are some really lovely towns in MA.

You also get a 'Live Free or Die' license plate if you live in NH

@Cat1nthehat NH has very low taxes and their public schools tend to be low performing whereas Mass has much higher taxes and the schools tend to be fabulous. NH to Cambridge is not a fun commute. There's a good reason NH is so much cheaper. If you're not going private I think you'd be foolish not to live in MA. MA has filed as their own country in the PISA ratings in the past as the schools were so strong.

He wouldn’t be working in Cambridge, some of his colleagues live there. He will be working in Chelmsford, the high school looks good but rental properties seem few and far between so I’m not sure we would actually get them into that high school. The place we are looking at living is Bedford, nh which from what I can see, is very highly rated and the school looks excellent.

My younger sisters were taken to the US to live with our parents. I was leaving home at that stage so I didn't go.
They loved it, americans are very friendly and it's easy to make friends there.
They are constantly encouraged to have high self esteem.
It's new that's all, after a year I can guarantee she'll be in her element.

My (probably biased) opinion is that if I was working in Chelmsford, I'd rather live outside 495 and commute in, than live inside it and commute out. I loathe 495 with every fibre of my being though (and also the Mass Pike).

Also living in that part of NH you're nice and close to the coast of Maine, in easy reach of Lake Winnipesaukee, reasonably near the mountains of NH, etc, if you like that sort of thing.

Definitely check out the school carefully, but it's in the top 10% in the US. I'd be happy with it.

It’s great that your DD is starting to see the positives of moving. My family moved to Australia from the UK when we were 11, 13 and 16. I wanted to go but I was surprised by how different things were here culturally. I think it was made doubly difficult by having parents who are not confident socially. As an adult I have a sense of loss around not having fully grown up in my own culture. I am not entirely Australian but from an English person’s perspective I am not really from the UK anymore either.
A friend of mine moved to the US with her family and loved it, she did the last three years of high school there but ended up coming back to Australia due to the extortionate cost of college. The parents of her high school friends had been putting money aside for their college since birth. Her parents just couldn’t afford it because they had not been preparing for it. If you’re hoping for this to be permanent please work out how you will be able to send her. It would be very unfair to settle her in one place and then leave her with the option of no tertiary education or being sent back to the UK.