What if your kids don’t want to go?

[Cat1nthehat]

Told our kids about move next year to USA. Daughter (13) in floods of tears saying she doesn’t want to go, refuses to move. She’s been crying for an hour now. I feel so guilty. How do you know you’re making the right decision? What if she gets there and doesn’t make any friends 😢 and I’ve moved her half way across the world away from all her friends.

Help as I just feel like the most selfish person in the world right now

I wouldn’t move to the US because of their food standards, pesticides, mandatory vaccinations and guns.

Kids wear bullet proof backpacks to kindergarten! I think there have been over 20 school shootings this year!

Big companies pollute the drinking water in some places (eg Flint)

It really really is a very unhealthy place to live.

Some cruel responses especially the poster saying everyone has to not move until kids are 35 and describing the effects of moving overseas as “trifling”

I know adults who were and are still adversely affected by parents ill thought out moves. This is possibly the worst age to do it my 13 year old would react the same way. Most parents of 13- 18 year olds that I know would put up with a lot themselves to maintain a secure base for this aged dc. Younger kids fine but this could ld massively backfire especially if she is currently happy

Would it be a permanent move? I know a family who went with teenagers for 6 months due to work, had a blast but were very happy to come home again. Why does your DH have to work there all the time though? I don't understand someone doing that when they have a family. He is obviously a high flyer and has choices. I could be earning six figures now if I chose roles where I would never see my family. I chose to earn less and spend lots of time at home.

I wouldn't consider uprooting my children at that age.
Your OH has choices.
I certainly wouldn't move to the USA.

We moved when I was that age. I hated it and took a good few years to really find my feet and get settled. However, we had to do it for my dad's work - with an adult head on my parents did the right thing for the family. I am still living in that place and love it and am raising my family here. So it's worked out ok. The opportunities I got from being here were definitely greater than I would have got if we stayed. Her friends can stay in touch via what app etc (or whatever the young kids use).

What will your work opportunities be like in the US?

Do you want to go? It seems like OH is the one ruling the show here- and everyone else has to uproot and facilitate to enable him.
If he is such a high flyer and big earner there will be opportunities in the UK too.
My OH was offered a transfer to Dubai earning a huge salary when our kids were a similar age. We discussed it for 5 minutes. No way.

We did a temporary move (3 years) against the wishes of our DC. We offered boarding school (not at their original schools) as an option but neither wanted that.

It was hard throughout the planning stage and one DC took a whole year to properly settle down. It did happen eventually though.

Living apart with constant long distance travel is hard. I don't blame you for wanting to be together. If it's a temporary move I'd go for it even against their wishes. Be prepared for tears that last a lot longer than an hour though.

I moved at 9 within the UK to a place DF wanted to live - his choice entirely, with fewer opportunities for the rest of us. I never really got over it, it affected our relationship to his death. I would never have uprooted my children, who as adults say they would have been OK with a move and have made their own choices.

Yes, I am that poster but that is one side of the story.

Living apart with constant long distance travel is hard.

That is a choice.

My dh works for an American company , we have been asked many mnaay times to go plus he is always head hunted when he goes to conferences . The answer is no , I wouldn't do it to my teenager . Did you not consult them in the decision making? Money isn't everything .

My dad was offered a job in the US when we were kids, but after going out and checking things out, he declined it. They felt it was too dangerous with all the gun crime.

We moved abroad to a different country when I was 15 and my brother 18. I loved it. My brother fell into a bad crowd.

There’s just no way of knowing what the future holds. You may go and it’s a disaster. You may stay and your husband ends up out of work. There’s no right or wrong answer here, so maybe give it a little time and think some more about your options.

OP, you’ll get rather biased responses on Mn, as it’s a quite Little Englander forum in many ways, and emigration, or even moving within a country, is viewed as a ‘selfish’ and untoward act.

I completely agree. Especially when it's the US you are considering moving to. I've lived here in the Midwest for almost 16 years and do not recognize the US as a "shit place to be" or any other ignorant insult that gets bandied about here typically by people who cannot use your and you're correctly

My son was 11 when we emigrated and it was the absolute making of him. We told him we were moving for a better life for all the family and luckily he took it completely in his stride. So not all kids take moving badly 13 is definitely a bit tricker than 11 though, a bit of bribery and laying on the advantages thickly night help. Good luck!

My mum wanted to emigrate ti Australia when she and my dad divorced, both me and my brother refused to go, she left it 10 years then went without us (we were in our 20"s by then. I'm so glad I didn't go, visited her a few times but it didn't gel with me at all

Yeah, stay exactly where you are until your children are thirty-five, in case they might experience some trifling discomfort, or have to make new friends. Seriously?

Exactly 🙄

I think your selfish and not putting your children first.

And this is how we end up with snowflakes. Pre 16 children don’t get to dictate how the family runs. I’m really shocked at some of the responses here. DH is not British and most of his (now our) friends have international jobs and move all the time. DB is military and it’s the same. We recently moved (not countries, but to a new place, new school etc). DS didn’t want to move......he is 7. I appreciate 7 is not 13, but according to most responses I’m clearly selfish for not involving him in the conversation and considering his views.

When I was 14 DM wanted to get remarried. I didn’t like my stepdad (for no real reason other than he took up my mothers time by virtue of existing and wasn’t my Dad). Was she being selfish for getting remarried?

OP your daughter will be fine. It’s a difficult age. You are not being selfish. Do what you think is best for your family.

My adoptive DF served 30 years in the American airforce and I was adopted in this country under a now defunct law allowing foreign citizens to adopt British children.
We were back and forward a lot ( a couple of years at different bases worldwide) but when he got his final posting in Illinois I was settled and didn't like that particular step mother .
So I stayed here with my bio grandfather, who had looked after me before the adoption.
I was a little younger than your DD.
I bitterly regret not going with my family.
I miss my DF & in particular 1 Dsis , all of the nephews & nieces.
Family time etc , thanks giving next week and the only family I have in the UK is one sis who lives 100's of miles away , my 2 DC & DH.
My nephews & nieces in the states have a better education, social life, better access to sports & clubs & I just miss the lifestyle.
Went back in my 20's for a few years & we lived overseas with my 2 DC for a few years until the eldest was almost 5.
If the opportunity ever arose I'd be back in a heartbeat.
She will be the cool English kid and fit in really easily.

I totally agree withBillywig OP. My DH parents moved away to a different area when he was about your DD age, he so missed his friends that he lost due to the move, he has never forgotten or forgiven them for it, if I am being honest. It is such an important age, when friends mean the world to you. Personally, unless every DC on mine was totally onboard with a move I wouldn’t do it, as it could damage your relationship with your child forever. Wishing you all the best OP.

I know a family that move to the US who came back within 18 months. The main reason being how miserable their teenage children were over there. It messed up their education considerably as well. I honestly think moving with childen older than 12 should only be done if absolutely essential or if it will without doubt benefit the family as a whole . in your.situation that may be the case and of course it might.work out fine, but please don't dismiss her unhappiness about it.

Wow...lots of strong 'don't do it' opinions here from people who haven't done it.

So here are my thoughts as someone who did do it. We moved from the U.K. to an EU country when our girls were 10 and 12. Neither initially wanted to (lots of tears here too), the timing really wasn't great and we thought that there was a 50:50 chance it may not work out, in which case we'd come home. But we felt if we didn't go, there would be a 100% certainty at some point that we'd regret not having the balls to have given it a try. So we went.

First 3 months were quite tough, especially for DD1 who was a bit more reserved, but they soon settled into international school, made friends, had far greater freedom and access to public transport than in the U.K., and living in the centre of EU really broadened their outlook. Six years later we're now back in the U.K., both girls feel they had a chance to experience something really cool, became really independent, they learned some great things about resilience, adaptability and have friends from all across the world. Both have said they are so glad we went.

So my take is...it wasn't always easy, but for us, the positive experiences massively outweighed the negatives.

My DD 13 would love to move to America! But she is really obsessed with all things USA.

OP I would listen to what is worrying her and try to find practical solutions. Social media, writing to friends, even inviting over for holidays etc if possible. Like a PP said, give it x amount of time in America and if she still hasn't settled, you could return home.

Op I had the same experience as @Atreus , the girls were 3,7 and 8 first time, we stayed for nearly 3 years then came home as I was homesick and kids wanted to return to UK. Came back then DH went back , we followed after 8 months as we as a family did not enjoy the long distance marriage - kids really missed their dad, it's not just about the couple. We returned to get citizenship, much easier the second time round as the girls knew what to expect lifestyle wise. They are now 10, 14 and 16 back in U.K. doing really well at school, but they themselves relish the fact that they have options re: living abroad and they have experienced another country.
It is tough , teenage years are, whether it's living in the U.K. or abroad, the culture in Australia is different to the U.K. and USA will be , but as long as you support and listen to your child then hopefully it will all work out.
I would suggest you don't say that if she remains unhappy then you will all return as that puts the onus on her, either now or in the future. She needs to know the positives that this move may bring , although this won't be realised until she is older.
Good luck. You may find that when you move the kids adjust quicker than you. I found it extremely lonely initially , but then I made some lovely Australian friends who I remain in touch with.

There are often polarised views on MN: we have all had different experiences and have a range of views.

Personally, for example, I disliked moves as a child, regret living abroad later on, and would never, ever want to be a trailling spouse.

Shame it wasn’t done a few years ago pre 11 both mine would have been up for it but early secondary is a tricky time without a massive move.