Does anyone regret moving abroad?

[sinnamom]

I have been living abroad for the last 8 months and although I know this isn't a long time I really regret leaving the UK.
My DH is a local and I speak the language fluently and had previously spent a lot of time in this country so the decision to move here was well-thought out and seemingly the right thing to do. The irony is I always envisaged us coming to live here and certainly to raise our children.
My DH keeps telling me I just need time to adapt but I'm not convinced. Has anyone else experienced this and did it get better for you?

I think most people who move abroad experince some feelings of regret at some time or another. However much you prepare, you can still expereince homesickness.

Do you get to go home regularly?

Is there ever an option of returning to your home permantly?

Where do you live? I'm in Belgium.

I've lived abroad for over 15 years in various countries and have always found the first 6 months to a year to be the most difficult (except for my current move).

However, I have also found that the longer I live in a place, the more roots I put down and I gradually over time become more content as I adapt.

I hope this happens to you too but it is very normal to compare the country you are in with your home country and those feelings of regret are quite normal.

We moved back to SA in Nov 2004. I had been schooled here and DH is SA born.

By the time we had been back 3 months I knew that we'd made a mistake. But, I didn't have a huge desire to return to the UK. We decided to look at Australia and fell in love with Brisbane.

It's so difficult, but I do think that 8 months isn't very long at all. If you don't have fundamental issues with where you live, things may settle down.

I heard it takes on average 2 years to really get used to or accept a new country. sorry you're feeling badabout it? Where did you live in UK and where've you moved to?

I loved it here (Germany) at first, but several years down the line I now find myself getting wistful for the UK. I speak the language more or less perfectly so don't have any of those linguistic hurdles - which can be incredibly draining.

I suspect - from knowing the experience of other expats - you are in the phase where the initial 'novelty' has worn off and you are beginning to realise this is permanent. I think the feelings of regret may then die down. My advice (which is very glib and easy to say, I know) would be give it another 6 months and re-examine your feelings then.

Thanks everybody for your replies
I live in Spain in a medium sized town on the outskirts of Madrid. It's not the prettiest of places but am used to industrial being that I'm from Manchester!
I think that having removed my rose tinted glasses it's been a shock to my system to realise that many of the negative aspects of life in the UK (that I so much wanted to leave behind) are actually very similar here...
I find the isolation hard, life with a small baby in a foreign country is really tough, even though I do speak the language. There isn't the network of support for mums and babies here as there is back home
On a lighter note I'm having my first trip back to the UK next month and I can't wait

I live in Paris, and have been based here since 1992 though have had several extended periods away (longest was 2 years) for study, work and childbirth.

My sister has just moved from Spain (La Moraleja) to Amsterdam after four years in Spain that she absolutely loathed.

In our experience (which we discuss a lot), it is much easier to settle permanently in a foreign country by taking on board the culture fully, speaking the language well, living centrally in an old part of town and having lots of interesting things on the doorstep. It's really hard to settle when you live in a modern suburb because of the innate boredom of a place that has no history and where you have no deep friendships. You tend to find more congenial, sensitive people and a better social mix in a more traditional area.

I'd agree that it takes between 1 and 2 years to settle in. After that, you may still tend to come down hard on your adopted country for what you perceive to be its failings, harder than you might with your "own" country, as you always judge it with a slightly critical, outsider's eye. It'll be interesting to see if you notice the positive or negative aspects of the UK most when you go back...
It is hard with young children, I can fully sympathise. Everyone keeps telling me it'll get better when DS goes to school and I meet parents at the gate, etc., but that seems years away.
I'd also agree that making a huge effort to fit in and speak the language is the key to feeling at home. The more people you know, the better you come to understand the country, to accept it and to adapt. Isolation breeds resentment, IME.

It is hard to live in another country. I've been in France for ten years now and still refer to the UK as 'home'. I don't regret moving here (my DH is French and we moved for his work) but I miss the UK a lot and would like to move back one day.

I think it's easy to suffer from 'the grass is always greener' syndrome where you idealise the place that you are not living in and forget about the drawbacks. Nowhere is perfect and it does take a long time to settle and built up a good network of friends, etc.

Good luck, it's early days yet.

AuldAlliance and B'comber - couldn't agree more with your comments more - spot on!

Like you say AA it'll be very interesting to see whether I notice the positive or negative aspects more when I go back. I'm hoping it'll be the negative which will reinforce and remind me of why I wanted to leave the UK in the first place...
Even so I doubt I'll ever make the kind of friendships here as the ones I have in England...

Don't despair: you make some unexpected and enduring friendships when you're abroad. They often transcend the superficial feeling of belonging you share with people who've been to school/uni with you.

I've lived in france for 16 years now, I didn't have the advantage of being able to speak the language and for many years have found it a struggle. I always referred to the uk as home...but over the last 8 years that has changed, my dc are now 12, 9 and 6. I find we are accepted into the community as they are at school. I have met many parents due to school and sports. I wouldn't say they are my best friends at all, where i live there are a community of brits. My closest friends are english, but when it comes to the kids I interact more with the french parents. Having just returned from the uk last weekend and suffered the horrors of gatwick airport, the dreadful dirt and congestion on the roads I am sitting in my chalet looking out at the clean fresh mountains (well i would be if it wasn't dark!!) and feeling thankful that I stuck it out for the sake of my dc. What I wish I had though was a home if my own in the uk as I hate always being a visitor in my own country. If I won the lotto that's what i'd do!!I also lived in oz for 3 years , loathed the first 18 months despite being there with friends and missed it and friends when I returned. I realise now that those people I never though would be real friends when I came here I have known for such a long time and they are my friends.

I think it takes a long time, much longer than you ever think, to settle somewhere. I also think it's quite natural to have few friends from the country you're in and make friends more with other English people. I've been in Spain for 7 years and almost all my friends are from work and are English, I think it's normal to make friends with the people you spend more time with. Although I miss the UK sometimes I wouldn't go back if you paid me.

I remember crying on board athe plane back from the UK ahvign spent 9 months abroad already. It is normal to feel doiwn after the intial excitement, it is n't about adapting so much as the reality of having to live your daily life there bites and it can be hard .

In all of my moves, the one here to the UK has been the worst. I have great english friends, a good job, and our own house, but I just don't like it here (in the NE), maybe if we lived somewhere more interesting/busy in UK i'd feel better about it. I've loved all the other places I've lived (Oz, Trinidad, Bahrain, Canada, Norway), but find you have to throw yourself into whatever the place has to offer (haven't really done that in UK as it is more permanent and therefore feels more tedious life to be lived).

I agree Kiwinat. My whole life has been spent "living overseas" in fact so it just feels normal for me. Never regretted it even in bad phases.

I do think it is very true though that once that feeling of permanency looms, things can look very different and that's when people often start to feel depressed. Most places are fine for 2 years or so, you can shrug things off, have a laugh about all the difficulties and things that go wrong because it isn't forever. It's when you see yourself living there permanently that those irritating and disturbing things you could shrug off before now seem major points.

Hi sinnamom, I'm sorry your feeling like this. I would def agree that 8mths is not a long time to let yourself settle in. I have been in Oz for 1yr and have found that my emotions change from month to month. I try and remember that when I lived away from my home town a few years ago, I was desperate to move back there as I felt I was missing out on family and friend. I had this idea in my head that we would often be dropping into each others houses for coffee and doing things together. The reality when I did move back was very different and it was definately a case of the grass is not always greener.

I think you need to give yourself more time. You also need to make the best go of things you can, so if you do decide to go back you know you have really tried to settle. I have a friend who has just gone back to the UK, she made a quick decision to go back when she found out she was pg. Before she left she admitted she had made the wrong decision and wanted to stay but it was too late.

I'm only 14 months into living abroad and it's swings and roundabouts at the moment. Now the novelty has worn off and 'real' life has started.

I do sometimes miss the U.K. but that's because I miss the ease of life where everything is so familiar and easy.

You may have a different opinion of the place once you've been back to England, wait and see how you feel before you make any decision. But I doubt any move abroad goes without hitches, it is perfectly normal.

Give it time. I totally agree with that about once it's permanent you can feel you've burnt all your bridges. Concentrate on what you enjoy about it (there must be something or I assume you wouldn't have gone in the first place?) and take your time to find your feet. It's never easy but it settles down and at least you speak the language. Everyone can feel like a fish out of water at first.

sinnamon, I'm Italian, have been living in the UK for seven years. It wasn't actually my decision to move here, dh, then dp, did his phd in London and got a job in an english university. I didn't think twice about moving to the UK, my english was good, and I thought everything was going to be all right. It wasn't. I hated being here. I felt isolated, and it took me years to get remotely adjusted. In my experience the cultural differences between england and other european countries are amazing, and I'm not surprised that you are finding it difficult in Spain. I'm sure you'll find it easier once you start forming good relationships with other people. I'm feeeling more rooted now. However, I'd move back tomorrow if only it was possible.

hi franca70

I agree with you that the UK is very different to much of continental Europe, and VERY different to Italy...

BUT there are some fantastic places to live in the UK where the quality of life is really great, wonderful countryside, great beaches, pretty towns and villages.

Anna yes, there are many indeed, we actually live in such a place. My standard answer is: "xvv is ideal with small children". And it is. the countryside is wonderful. The beaches amazing. But there are still days where I feel physically homesick, when I'd rather stand in Milano's ring road and breathe the car fumes for hours on end. I'm sure this is a good place for my children to be at the moment (although to be honest, I don't think my ds is actually benefitting from starting school at 4 and a half). Me, I'm a city person. I don't care much for the countyside (although I force myself to go on nice walks for the children). On these beautiful, stunning beaches, I'm cold, even in July. sorry for the rant. today I'm just in a bad mood.It's just that I miss my friends, that's all.

Thanks so much for all your excellent replies, such good advice has really helped to lift my spirits, now all I need is to find a friend here...

Like many of you have said 8 months isn´t a long time so I´m probably expecting too much too soon. Still, I think I've been very naive to expect things to be anything less than an uphill struggle and feel really stupid for having done so...

Am going to take Luchinka´s advice and focus on what made me fall in love with this country, lately I seem to have forgotten...

Do you work or are you a sahm? I'm down in Sevilla btw.

I´m a SAHM, shame you´re so far away...
Is there much going on for mums and babs down there in Sevilla?