STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

He's most likely making it up. It sounds very fishy - GP wouldn't say that. He would have made a referral. How quickly he is seen is an indication of urgency.

No way in hell does a GP tell a patient they have cancer, let alone terminal cancer. He's making it up.

@Earlgrey19

Also, he had a new girlfriend but she recently decided against it, apparently. It’s true his accommodation is about to run out. He’s being given another flat but it’s not as nice. Yes, I think it is a mix of factors.

Ah, so not only is his accommodation about to run out, his girlfriend's had enough of him and dumped his miserable ass. No wonder he thinks you will obey his demands.

Is there a chance your house might have to be sold to pay for care fees - if you’re married?

@wheresmymojo that is incredibly helpful, thank you. The boundaries you suggest are really well formulated. Yes, I do need to do this exercise. And to think how I want the summer hols to be, given everything (which we don’t even fully know yet), & what’s good for the kids.

@daisypond how much are care fees??! Is this a massive cost he’ll face? My uncle just died from motor neurone disease at home and all the care was paid for by NHS. My aunt didn’t have to pay anything.

I’m sorry about your uncle. Was your uncle on his own at home? If your ex has no-one at home, he might have to go into a care home to be looked after. Depending on his savings and assets, he might have to pay if he needs a care home but not yet nursing care. All pure nursing care should be funded. But say he is in and out of hospital for a while, who/ what is going to look after him if not a care home? Carers coming in four times a day at home would also have to be paid for in the same circumstances, though he will get disability benefits as things progress.

Sorry, I see now you say your aunt was at home.

He went to GP because he has long-standing very swollen lymph node in his neck, which indeed I’ve seen. GP found another in armpit and said doesn’t look good to have a second in a different place, likely cancer given he is at high risk for cancer recurrence

So he hasn't been told he has terminal cancer.
He's emotionally blackmailing you.
No way should you allow him to move back in.

Even if he did need 24hr care it is likely to be hospital or hospice which are NHS or charity not a care home which is privately funded.

Even with elderly people the house only comes into the equation of fees when it's a single owner who is needing care.

They cannot force a sale causing people to become homeless. Not to mention the Mortgage lender would need to be paid back first. So it would only be the equity in the house that could be used.

I wouldn't think too much about care homes etc. It's all hypothetical. If that becomes an issue then worry about it then.

Look, you're getting way ahead of things here.

Right now, all you know is he has some suspicious enlarged lymph nodes, and because of his history of cancer is being referred immediately to oncology to see what it is.

I can see why he'd be genuinely scared, and I think anyone would have anxiety levels through the ceiling at this point.

But he's also using this as an opportunity to get at you. I don't think it's ant coincidence that he tries to browbeat you just after his girlfriend dumped him.

Stand firm - he does not live with you any more, he does not dictate that he's coming round, and he most certainly does not parachute relatives on to you.

Ignore the possibility of cancer until it's been properly investigated.

You can have raised lymph nodes for lots of reasons btw - fighting an infection being a common reason. It's also a listed side effect of covid vaccine

What a disgusting excuse for a human being he is using a one risk cancer diagnosis to further emotionally abuse you. You've had some great advice on here and I've nothing to add that hasn't been said already but please look out for yourself and your dc. He is not your responsibility, don't get sucked in by his manipulation. He's despicable

Op, does he still part own the house?

He can spend lots of time with his DC and his visiting father in his own home.

There's no reason it needs to be in your home.

Personally I would be seeing a solicitor to discuss the best way forward in terms of finances in this kind of situation and what your rights are in relation to preventing access to the family home (now your home).

@ PiggyMelon yes he does. Jointly owned, no mortgage, but I am low income so the future is going to be tight, either with divorce or, more likely, bereavement.

Don't take him back, he is playing you. My exh had been diagnosed with MS just before ds was born, not long after we divorced he had a relapse which led to him being in hospital for 10 months & being discharged in a wheelchair, needing carers four times a day, having a permanent catheter as his bladder had ceased to work & needing every aspect of his personal carer needing to be done for him, showering, dressing, preparing meals, getting in & out of bed. I never once considered taking him back, I didn't mind ferrying ds to & from exh home, occasionally picking up shopping or taking ds to visit him when he was in hospital but that was all. Get the locks changed & carry on doing things for your dc, but make a line that you won't cross & stick to it.

Op when dhs sister got cancer she called him and said she'd been told it was terminal. She hadn't. She'd been so distressed by the cancer diagnosis that she misunderstood. Her dad was with her and it took some effort to explain what the doctor had actually said compared to what she had thought he'd said.

After that she recorded conversations with the doctor to play back after so that she could make sure shed actually understand what had been said.

Urgh, he lied to you - and about something so important. Horrible.

Perfect storm of his girlfriend dumping him, having to leave his flat, and health anxiety.

You will need to be really firm.

[quote Earlgrey19]@daisypond how much are care fees??! Is this a massive cost he’ll face? My uncle just died from motor neurone disease at home and all the care was paid for by NHS. My aunt didn’t have to pay anything.[/quote]
Please don't worry about this - his care is medical and so covered by the NHS. We were paying for my mother's care home until she had to go into the nursing unit there due to her cancer. At that point the NHS kicked in.

You don't pay for medical or palliative care in the uk.

His medical team will make a Fast Track application for Continuing Health Care (CHC) payments. This covers everything. The cancer charities (Macmillan, Marie Curie) etc will advise him. This recently happened in our family. From start of application to notification of payments starting was about 3 weeks.

Ah, tricky.

If his name is also on the house and you're not yet divorced then he could legally just move back in, and there isn't much you can do.

"From start of application to notification of payments starting was about 3 weeks."
Ours (for my df) was quite a bit longer than that, but it was back-dated.

GP found another in armpit and said doesn’t look good to have a second in a different place, likely cancer given he is at high risk for cancer recurrence.

I can absolutely promise you that no GP would diagnose 'cancer' out loud in these circumstances. Being referred for further test and getting the appointment through within fourteen days is the earliest sign of a diagnosis of cancer that anyone will ever get, because all cancer refers are to be seen within fourteen days.

As PP have pointed out, if he is using this to claim to be dying he is absolutely jumping to conclusions. A swollen lymph gland, even two, might indeed require tests but it is not a confirmed diagnoses of terminal cancer

If it were not so sad, it would be laughable.

I've now caught up with the rest of the thread, and agree that it is indeed 'wild hyperbole' I'm sorry he is putting you through this, it is absolutely a continuation of abuse. Good to know he will have family around soon, so that you can focus on your DC without a second thought.

That boundary exercise sounds great, have you have a go a drafting your answers yet.

Have you change the lock, or at least the barrel of the lock, yet ? That too is a priority. Lots of videos on YouTube to explain how to do it.

It’s all just a way of bullying you & halting the divorce.

As if a GP is going to risk a law suit by diagnosing terminal cancer by a swollen lymph gland.