STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

This is a very tough situation, I really feel for you OP. I agree with those being sceptical about your exh's diagnosis, he's already using it to manipulate you. Don't let him move back in. Support your children definitely, but you're no longer responsible for him.

Be careful. I know someone (it is completely real, she isn't lying) who got a terminal diagnosis with 6 months to live, 6 years ago. She's alive, although in bad condition. If this man emotionally abused you, don't have him back living with you.

Say you'll accompany him to rdv with oncologist,
You really need to know the truth of this, Is he going to survive, 6 weeks or 6 years?
I would not want to be his carer, & feel your children would not want to see him gradually crumpling, You are not a nurse, You have a job.
It simply does not work.
& this is before you take into consideration the former abuse & all the trauma he has created.
If this is a ruse to get back in to the house it is despicable.

If the OP is in the UK and her DH has had surgery etc last October he would still be monitored by the cancer centre team. So stating based on a trip to the GP he has terminal is a lie. We have never seen the GP since initial referral in June 2019. His cancer diagnosis took 4 weeks never mind finding out it had spread. So I have no doubt he is lying. I am more surprised the OP isnt more aware as I have been to every appointment with my DH and I am very aware of the ins and outs. As you have only been apart a short time

Poor man. But no, nonetheless. You cannot be his carer, which is what he wants I suspect. Your role is to care for his children when he can't.

There was emotional abuse

And this is way of continuing it.
He should not move back in at all. There is help and support for people for when he needs care for his personal needs.
If he moves back in with you, you could end up doing the bulk of this while he emotionally blackmails you into doing whatever else he wants/needs.

I'm going to sound really awful here, but I'd be wondering if it's actually true. It seems conveniently timed just a few months after your separation.
Even if it is true - what is the prognosis? Terminal could mean someone has a couple of months or several years. Do you want him to still be in your place in 5 years time?
If it's very aggressive and he only has a few months do you want your children to have to see everything that goes with that? I am still traumatized by aspects of my mother's cancer and treatment in the last few months of her life.
If he is living somewhere else your children are more protected from all of this and could see him on his better days.

Please say no! He's an ex for a reason. Terminal care will be difficult and you'll be expected to do it as you're there (if he's telling the truth and has cancer I wonder if care is also on his mind). He could also linger a long time and you won't be able to move on with your life. Of course it's sad, but it's not your issue in my view, obviously just support by dropping children off etc,

Wishing you strength. You split for a reason, and that reason hasn’t changed. You deserve more than that abusing manipulator.

@mynameisbrian

Having terminal cancer doesn’t mean immediate death . They could explore options with him to extend life so I would be asking more questions around prognosis and options. I would suggest you get a better understanding of the reality of his situation before thinking about him moving back in. If he was emotionally abusive this could just be another attempt to use this to move back in. He could be there for years. My DH has terminal cancer but he isn’t dying yet and they think he could live a few more years.

I agree with this. I know 3 people with stage 4 cancer in several areas of their body if not riddled, and they have been keeping it at bay now for several years. I would not let him move in under any circumstances but as you have said, would fully try to ensure he sees the children often/more often.

He has not got all the results back yet/full timeframe. So as others said this could be a long process. And once you say yes if you did want him to leave that would be a whole nother problem. He plan A was I have cancer, and now I am here. You said no so plan B is emotionally blackmail. Dont agree to anything without thinking about it, sleeping on it or asking someone. He wants you to agree on a knee jerk reaction to his demands.

He told me the news, and that he’d be staying from that moment on and living here again as he said it’s in the kid’s best interests if he’s going to die.

Err. No, no you can't just 'decide' were married again STBXH.

I sympathised with the news but said we are separated, you need to discuss with me what happens: I have a choice, and I don’t think living together is a good idea. He threw his front door key at me and stormed out yelling ‘I’ve got a fucking cancer diagnosis, can’t you be more flexible?’.

Oh hell no!! Here is the crystal clear reason why 1) you parted in the first place and 2) why he's should remain alone. Entitled, arrogant and totally ignoring your agency.

Kids come first. He should go to every play, presentation, birthday & see them at Christmas, they must spend time together (as must you with them alone - life is precious for everyone, not just those who have a better idea of their fate) but be clear you no longer come as part of that family package. You come for DC.

Honestly the scene you describe above would make me so much less sympathetic to him.

@mynameisbrian

If the OP is in the UK and her DH has had surgery etc last October he would still be monitored by the cancer centre team. So stating based on a trip to the GP he has terminal is a lie. We have never seen the GP since initial referral in June 2019. His cancer diagnosis took 4 weeks never mind finding out it had spread. So I have no doubt he is lying. I am more surprised the OP isnt more aware as I have been to every appointment with my DH and I am very aware of the ins and outs. As you have only been apart a short time

I agree with this. The only time my husband saw the GP after his initial appointment was for the occasional UTI infection. Once you've been diagnosed and treatment has begun everything is done through the specialists in hospital. You never see the GP for anything cancer related.

Something doesn't add up, that's for sure.

Thinking back to my Mam's cancer - the GP referred her then everything was done through the hospital. The GP did visit her often but that was as part of palliative care (I think).
After a few rounds of chemo she decided to stop the treatment. After that she was on a palliative care pathway (and lived another 3 years after stopping all treatment) and was not seen by the hospital again.
However, the diagnosis/prognosis was all given by the oncologist and not the GP.

OP, hold onto this knowledge: you are not a support human. You already have two small, dependent children.

I would say a definite no. I say this and I have stage 4 terminal cancer, diagnosed 8 years ago. I am on constant treatment/chemotherapy. I also deal with everything through my oncologist. The oncologist sends letters to my gp to update them when I have to change treatment. The gp sorts out my pain relief with my hospice doctor but I never speak to my gp only the hospice doctor.

Earlgrey19 I know you wrote 'GP' but did he specify which doctor he saw? Or did you assume GP?

It's hard to believe that someone would invent a cancer recurrence

I think (because I don't want to believe the alternative) that he has just had some very bad health news.

But that does not mean you should let him move back in. I think he's suggesting it because he wants a return to home comforts and never to have the hassle of having to sort out his care package or find a different responsible person to be his advocate.

Was DC's contact today? If so, what happened (if you want to tell us)?

BTW: small point of detail - not all cancer support centres are Maggies, so tell him that if he wants that kind of support then it's better for him to Google for 'cancer support centre near me' rather than the name used only by some (and which might not have any near him)

@AuntieStella

Earlgrey19 I know you wrote 'GP' but did he specify which doctor he saw? Or did you assume GP?

It's hard to believe that someone would invent a cancer recurrence

I think (because I don't want to believe the alternative) that he has just had some very bad health news.

But that does not mean you should let him move back in. I think he's suggesting it because he wants a return to home comforts and never to have the hassle of having to sort out his care package or find a different responsible person to be his advocate.

Was DC's contact today? If so, what happened (if you want to tell us)?

BTW: small point of detail - not all cancer support centres are Maggies, so tell him that if he wants that kind of support then it's better for him to Google for 'cancer support centre near me' rather than the name used only by some (and which might not have any near him)

Oh, come on, plenty of people do it.

I had an ex who kept telling me he'd had some 'awful health news' that I 'should be aware of'. He's still alive 10 years later, so I'm pretty certain it was his piles needed tying off, rather than the terminal cancer he claimed several times.

The OP has been utterly miserable from this man's abuse and control for years. His terrible diagnosis happened immediately after she left him. He then conveniently 'shielded with his mother' for six months and then took on a temporary cheap rental - which is about to run out, which I'm sure must also be purely coincidental.

I reckon she's going to end up with somebody who just happens to have a miraculous recovery shortly after she gives in and takes him back. And then she'll never get rid of him because every sign of unhappiness she lets on, he'll have a sudden relapse of the original, unverifiable because he was at his mother's, illness.

Unless he's missing his bollocks, which she'll most likely find out when he tries it on with her again like he did after they'd split up, it's all horseshit of the highest order.

(Yes, I ASd the OP. This man is a twat and an abusive one at that).

Thanks all, this is helping me get the strength to stand firm. He is now saying if he doesn’t live here the family home will still be the main base and he wants to spend as much time with the children as possible in the summer hols, and his Dad who is coming from Australia apparently will get accommodation very close to where I am living, so everyone can easily hang out here.

I mean I know if he is facing end of life, obvs he has strong feelings about seeing the children in such circs but we have no idea about diagnosis and it’s as if my agency and choices don’t exist in the face of his cancer, like I simply don’t get a say. And like the conditions of separation have simply been erased.

He went to GP because he has long-standing very swollen lymph node in his neck, which indeed I’ve seen. GP found another in armpit and said doesn’t look good to have a second in a different place, likely cancer given he is at high risk for cancer recurrence. I don’t think it is made up. He is crying now when he sees the children. BUT he does leap to conclusions and then get very angry with me if I point out the uncertainties — he’s always been like that. He’s phoning everyone telling them he’s dying. But right now he has no confirmation or details. He’s speaking to Oncology next week and they will organise PET & biopsies.

He’s also felt rubbish the last month, after doing much better initially.

I am so daunted by it, not least by having to manage STBXH and his domineering ways thinking he now has the ultimate green card to demand whatever he wants.

GP found another in armpit and said doesn’t look good to have a second in a different place, likely cancer given he is at high risk for cancer recurrence

Bollocks did the GP say that. Absolute bollocks. I'm a nurse and I know what doctors say. There is no way they're allowed to panic any patient about cancer, even if they've had it before.

What cancer was he treated for last year?

Also, he had a new girlfriend but she recently decided against it, apparently. It’s true his accommodation is about to run out. He’s being given another flat but it’s not as nice. Yes, I think it is a mix of factors.

So he has lied by wild hyperbole.

It is quite possible that something is badly wrong, and it must be scary for him.

But he does not yet know that it's cancer-related, or untreatable. So you do not know that he is facing the end of his life. But that time waiting to find out what is up, when it's quite possible it could be something very badly wrong, is hellishly stressful

But even with that, no he cannot use your house as a base. He must take the DC out or host them at his. No his family won't be hanging out in your home (ownership might still be joint, but it's not his home any more in the sense that he does not live there any more)

You need to tell him, calmly and consistently that his ideas do not work for you, but you will be happy for him to see plenty of the DC during the school holidays especially as he will be hosting his family.

Has he actually told them you've split up?

Stay strong OP. Do not put up with this. Rehearse saying no. Don't give him a key. Based on what you have said there is absolutely no reason that he can't take the kids to his place or take them out. He is not bedridden. Keep your boundaries in place. He is jumping to conclusions about dying and it's likely he is using this as a way to get back in your life and stop you from having a separate space.

He's completely playing you @Earlgrey19. No gp would suggest that any lump is likely to be cancer without it being investigated. You really need to be firm now and tell him that your house is not an option for his access. And as for him thinking his father can also come and go to your house is absurd. Shut him down now. Stop discussing his health as he is using it to manipulate you. Talk about kids access, and any other dc related matters and nothing else.

ElspethFlashman Gastric cancer, stage 3c.

I know him and I do think he thinks his dying. He had health anxiety even before he had cancer, though. It’s possible he over interpreted GP.

‘Wild hyperbole’ is a good way of putting it @AuntieStella