STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

It's a horrible situation.

I think you should take this one step at a time.

You need more insight into what is going on.

For a start, if you are able, perhaps you could go with him to his appt with his specialist?

Given he emotionally abused you, this could all be smoke and mirrors. You don't know the extent of his illness unless he shows you something in writing OR you meet with his medical team.

I'd play along and tell him you will look at ALL options of sharing time with his kids but only once you know the exact nature of his cancer and the treatment plan etc.

I'm afraid my first thought was if it's true or not.

Obviously if true it's awful & a shock, but that didn't stop him trashing your boundaries straight away.

Oncologists often don't give precise predictions for life expectancy because it's impossible until the last few months. Can you ask to attend appts with him? If he expects you to live together I'd expect this

I’m feeling very fragile today. I really didn’t sleep much, and also struggling to eat very much at all. Hopefully it’s just the shock, and I will regain some strength soon. But at least today I don’t feel confident having the kids by my self. I would love to see them, but do you think you could join us?

That "fait accompli" ("I'll be moving in") followed by that outburst of rage and then that pathetic message! (above)

Red flag?

No - A whole row of bright scarlet bunting! Do NOT give in to his demands or requests - just don't!

And change your locks - I know he threw his key back at you, but you don't know if he has a duplicate. He is a cunning individual.

If his diagnosis is true, I think he needs a bit more understanding around his recent visit.

Yes, it was out of order to behave that way, and it doesn't excuse his previous behaviour at all, BUT this man has had terrible news (take it at face value) and many of us would reaction emotionally.

@JinglingHellsBells

If his diagnosis is true, I think he needs a bit more understanding around his recent visit.

Yes, it was out of order to behave that way, and it doesn't excuse his previous behaviour at all, BUT this man has had terrible news (take it at face value) and many of us would reaction emotionally.

React with emotion, perhaps.

Immediately assume I can transgress previous agreements and boundaries, swear at someone, throw an item etc. - no.

There's emotion, and there's a pattern that is in-line with previous abusive behaviour.

Having read your further posts, Earlgrey, I agree with PPs that he is using this latest news, if it is true, to further bully and manipulate you. I would recommend seeing a solicitor to protect your children and yourself ASAP. And change the locks, just in case he's made a copy of the key. At or around the time of separation is the most dangerous time for an abused woman, he is proving that, please be careful.

@JinglingHellsBells

If his diagnosis is true, I think he needs a bit more understanding around his recent visit.

Yes, it was out of order to behave that way, and it doesn't excuse his previous behaviour at all, BUT this man has had terrible news (take it at face value) and many of us would reaction emotionally.

Nope.

He's wanting help from Op but is trying to bully her into it!

No! If it is true your children will need you to support them and will also need some respite from watching him deteriorate, You don’t owe him anything. Interestingly he doesn’t seem to be thinking of the children only himself and what you can do for him.

OP I would highly recommend doing an exercise which will help you to have good boundaries in this tough situation.

Now...before things have got even more difficult, write a list of your boundaries around this that you want to stick to for the duration and that are perfectly reasonable boundaries to have.

As this situation progresses your Ex will (as he already is) most likely constantly push at your boundaries and you will constantly be put in the position of feeling like you don't know what a reasonable decision is because you've only been separated a short time and probably haven't fully adjusted to being confident about your boundaries after a long term abusive relationship.

Keep this list of your boundaries somewhere you can refer to frequently (like the notes on your phone).

I can't tell you what your boundaries should be, but to give you examples of what mine would be it would be things like:

• As we are separated I will not consider taking on any duties of a spouse: this includes any caring, living together, resolving anything on his behalf such as organising care, etc

• I will not take part in the DCs visits until he is in the final stages of his illness and I am attending to support the DC emotionally at shorter visits

• I will be flexible with his times/days to see the children due to medical appointments and around the impact of any treatments like chemo which may leave him too tired at times for long visits but not to the extent that this requires significant inconvenience for me or DC except in the final stages of his illness

• When he reaches the stage of being too physically ill to care for the DC, I will pay a chaperone so that he can still have them to visit. Physical illness does not include simply not sleeping well the previous night.

A therapist once recommended this to me in a different situation and having a list of boundaries I had written down was much easier than trying to make case-by-case decisions every time the other person tried to push my boundaries.

@Terhou

However, he needs further tests to find out the extent of it so as of yet we don’t know about stage or prognosis. It’s a recurrence of an initially very aggressive cancer. GP thought very bad news.

If he's only seen the GP he doesn't know that the cancer has returned, let alone whether it's terminal.

I would expect that a gp would certainly have an idea of the severity of a potential 'to be formally delivered by the oncologist' diagnosis though.

Eg if op's ex was having further investigations after they've seen an anomaly on any of the surveillance scans/tests, then surely this would flag up at the GP?

I echo the sentiments of others, and say not only that you should not have him move back, but that you cannot do it. His prior emotional abuse and current attempts at manipulation of you are enough to prove that it would be unworkable. It would be soul-destroying for you. To provide what would end up as 24/7 care and also be subject to emotional abuse? NO. He's not going to become all sweetness and light as time progresses, chances are his abuse will become worse as he takes his fear and discomfort out on you.

Help him from a distance if you want to. Facilitate him seeing the children as much as you can. But let him move in? Oh hell, no!

If he had been a good husband, even a mediocre one, I'd probably feel a bit differently. But an abuser? I'm sorry to be so blunt but he's made his bed, let him lie in it.

The more I'm reading this, the more I think he hasn't even had a diagnosis of recurrent cancer, especially if he's only been to see the GP. It could be something else or a complication of treatment he has had in the past.

Be careful.

I'm a physician but not an oncologist. Things have changed so much with certain cancers and immunotherapy in the last few years I am often surprised how long some people last with some metastatic cancers now. They are still incurable but some metastatic cancers, like melenoma, that used to mean only weeks to a few months now often means a few years.
His GP might be like me and not sure how long palliative treatment will get him. It probably won't be until he sees the oncology team and has all the tests done that he has an idea if talking weeks to maybe 2-3 years. The plans you need to make might differ eg finances depending on this.

@thenewduchessofhastings

Surely a cancer diagnosis would come from an appointment with an oncologist not a GP?;apologies if I'm wrong on that one.

Yeah I was thinking this. When my sister was initially diagnosed with very aggressive Hodgkin Lymphoma, a little team of oncology Drs + one haematology Dr told us the suspected diagnosis after being X-rayed, blood tests, and a biopsy on the lump on her neck in a hospital. Then there were further tests (very quickly done in the days straight after the first diagnosis) to determine what type of treatment was needed ASAP.

A couple of GPs missread all her symptoms and put her swollen face and cough down to a chest infection or possible glandular fever. Was only because my mother pushed for an X-ray referral from the GP on my sister's chest, as she was so out of breath going up short flights of stairs, that the ball got rolling in a hospital.

Seems sus to me that a GP would be giving this type of news/diagnosis and saying it's terminal without a specialist cancer doctor to explain more and treatment options? Could be wrong and might be different in different parts of the country. But going off of our family's experience, it's my understanding GPs aren't medically niche enough to deal with cancer, let alone something as complex as terminal cancer, it would be passed on to an oncology team in a hospital.

Happy to be corrected though!

I will not have him move back in, since he was emotionally abusive.

Say you will facilitate him having the dc, that you're very sorry but this doesn't change anything: you are separated.

Sounds like he might be using his diagnosis to manipulate you or guilt you into having him. I'd not give him a key back either.

I agree with others I would be wondering whether this was 100 percent true. Also it wouldn't be better for the kids to be around him if he is abusive and also really poorly. The distance will help you all maintain some emotional composure if this is true. Give you breathing room.

Don’t let him back. You would become his carer and the kids would see too much of his illness and death. That would be really hard for them to deal with. Instead facilitate lots of contact time.

He's presuming. Massively. He's unilaterally appointed you as his carer, but he blew that chance months and years ago.

Obviously you want to facilitate contact for the children's sake, but not on your home or under your supervision. Letting himself in and announcing the new deal without consulting you was a bad move, but clearly all of a piece with his previous behaviour that drove you to separate from him.

He needs to know he can't walk in and out of your home (change the locks in case he had a copy of the key made!) and that you will make contact as easy for him as you practically can but not host it in your home or supervise in his.

He needs to sort his own care as if you weren't in the picture, which of course you aren't, are you?

This could go on for a year or more, and you risk a situation where, the moment you do him any favour unconnected with the children - picking up a prescription, tidying his flat, doing his laundry, etc - it will be your job for the rest of his time.

If anyone fares criticise you, suggest they contact him and offer to do themselves whatever you've said no to. Watch the criticism die on their lips.

If he moves in, terminally ill, you face an unknown sentence, possibly years, of providing 24/7 care and domestic support for a terminally ill man , while also having sole responsibility for two very small children. A scenario which will cause them great stress, and you just won't be able to give them the attention they need and deserve. Trust me, caring in the home for a terminally ill parent (and the children) is NOTHING LIKE the film Stepmom. It's really tough on everybody, physically and emotionally. BTDT.

Don't do this to yourself, and don;t do it to your children. He has already put you through hell by leaving you and now he's trying to emotionally abuse you (and the kids) all over again for his own benefit.

  The children  have already  suffered a terrible family fracture  and 

now they're going to lose their father for ever. Hard hearted as this sounds, your job is to support THEM , and their domestic, emotional and financial needs through this. Not his. There is no benefit to the children in Dad moving back in; just adding to their stress, disruption and pain. And yours, which impacts them.

Do you really want them to forever  associate a room or bed in  their own home with sickness  dying and death?

Don't let him move in but please, please get some counselling to help you deal with this. He is going to throw everything at you to emotionally manipulate you into doing everything and anything he wants. You really need someone outside the situation to help you put clear boundaries in place and reassure you that you are not being mean or unreasonable.

@Earlgrey19

He lives nearby — 30 min walk. Or v short drive. He’s not paying rent. (Unusual situation: his employer providing a flat. They will continue to do so even if he has to stop work).

Are Macmillan nurses massively expensive?

No. MacMillan nurses and hospice care are provided at no charge. Macmillan (charity) also offers a huge amount of emotional support to relatives (and children) so please contact them. You could, for instance, ask them for leaflets and booklets that would be useful for your husband; and find out for him, what inpatient and outpatient hospice care is available for him. If there is a Maggie's Centre within reach, I recommend their (free) suppiort services to patients and families.

Getting a terminal diagnosis is very shocking and  your husband's  irrational  demands and expectations on you,  may  just be part of that  initial process; he doesn't know which way to turn atm.   But he will find a way through this and  there are ways you can  offer  support that don't involve   the children, or taking him back. 

Among other things you will both need a big financial discussion about his Will, the house, will his life insurance cover the mortgage, does his pension provide a widows pension, and protecting the children future.

Id say for now that bo decisions can be made, you need to wait on further medical details. But I don't think moving back in is a good idea.

I would be willing to allow him to join in some family type things if he is unable to have the kids otherwise. i.e. he can come along to the park but you don't sit and have a cosy picnic as such.

Do you think he could be lying? Awful thing to say say I know but it is a possibility.