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Original poster

Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

585 replies

BonApp · 15/07/2017 18:15

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 23/08/2017 15:45

Thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
BonApp · 23/08/2017 17:52

Its definitely mesothelioma. The sarcomatoid type which is "the worst one to get". They didn't give dad a prognosis today but he googled and 6 months is the average Sad

Oncology appointment next week where they should find out more.

He's been assigned to a special lung cancer nurse and will see her soon. Is that the same as a Macmillan nurse?

I'm so sad, even though it's what I'd half expected.

I don't know what to feel about living here. Moving back isn't the right thing to do but I hate the thought of both dad and my stepmum going through this without us there. I will deal with that when I need to I guess.

This is going to destroy my brother. He and dad are v close. He is engaged and they were going to start trying for a baby. The thought of dad not meeting my brothers children or seeing him get married is almost too much.

SadSadSad

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 23/08/2017 18:09

Shit that's not good BonSad I know you half expected it but it's still such a big shock. I can probably say I know how you feel. How did your dad seem?
I think the lung cancer nurse is similar to macmillan. Dad has a specialist respiratory nurse who he can phone at any time and she is lovely. I guess each hospital does it differently. What hospital does your dad go to? (I understand if you don't want to say, pm me if you want to chat more)
Dad got his oncology appointment through for 2 weeks time. Today he walked outside for 5 mins and has slept the rest of the day..
It's fucking cruel!Angry

Original poster
BonApp · 23/08/2017 19:01

Thanks jools. It is shit but comforting that you understand.

I'll pm you the hospital.

Dad seemed ok, he/I cried a lot but we had a few jokes. He's scanning and sending me all his letters/info.

I feel bitter that he walked out with nothing but a letter and a leaflet confirming a death sentence but I suppose that's just how it goes. Physically he's really ok, same as ever. No other symptoms.

So sorry your dad is so drained. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to be that poorly. Our poor dads.

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 23/08/2017 19:26

@BonApp so sorry it's bad news. I honestly don't know what to say. Just sending lots of love xxxxx

My dad is now in his final days/hours we think. It may be best if I don't post here, it's not fair on the rest of you, but I want you to know that I understand what you are going through, and it is so so unfair. Sending you all lots of love and hugs, thank you so much for being there for me to vent to and for your comforting words xxx

MyGuideJools · 23/08/2017 19:33

hotpink please don't feel that you can't post here. Unless bon would rather you didn't (it's her thread after all)
If it helps you to post then please do so. It will probably help us in some way too Flowers xx

Hotpinkangel19 · 23/08/2017 19:45

Thank you @MyGuideJools I'll see how Bon feels too x I completely understand if they would rather I didn't x

Original poster
BonApp · 23/08/2017 19:47

hotpink please stay, or at least don't go just to shield us/me. I agree that it helps somehow to have you here. This thread has really helped me so if it's helping you too, you can stay as long as you need to.

I'm so sorry things with your dad have got to this point. Wishing you all the love and strength to somehow get through things.

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 23/08/2017 20:21

Thank you @BonApp xx

Hotpinkangel19 · 23/08/2017 20:50

I promise not to go into detail about anything, at the moment he's comfortable, but his body is shutting down. Told to go home and rest tonight and they'll call us. X

MyGuideJools · 23/08/2017 21:03

Sending you strength hot look after yourself FlowersBrew

Hotpinkangel19 · 24/08/2017 00:01

My lovely, amazing Dad passed away tonight. DH got there just as he passed. I'm heartbroken x

Horsemad · 24/08/2017 00:08

Flowers I am so sorry.

notapizzaeater · 24/08/2017 00:19

So sorry for your loss X

Original poster
BonApp · 24/08/2017 01:24

@hotpinkangel19 I'm so so sorry. You must be devastated Sad I hope your dad has found your mum and they are now together. I don't have religion in my life but am finding some comfort in believing people are reunited with loved ones.

Look after yourself in the coming days and please keep posting as much as you need to. Best wishes Flowers

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 24/08/2017 08:26

hot I'm so sorry Flowers what awful news. So soon after your mum too, but like Bon said, they are together now if that can be a small consolation.
Look after yourself, you have that new life to think of. I'm so sad for youFlowers

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 24/08/2017 08:49

I just wanted to send you all a big virtual hug.

I know how this feels, next Monday will be the 14th anniversary of my dad's death to cancer. He was only 66, far too young to die. He hadn't even got to retirement.

I remember the hospital tests, waiting for diagnosis, diagnosis, prognosis, treatment & then being told that there was no more treatment as though it were yesterday.

I also went through the same process with my mum who passed away, also to cancer, 5 years ago.

DSis was pregnant when dad died, he only got to meet 2 of his 7 grandchildren. Mum only got to meet 5 out of 7 and one of those was my DD who was just 6 weeks old when mum was told "sorry, we can't cure this now". She thought she had roughly a year from then, and died exactly 362 days later - just 3 days short.

It's hard, it's really hard, but life will go on for all of you. I'm sending you all love & best wishes and hope that everything is as comfortable as possible for your loved ones.

If you are offered a Macmillan nurse to talk to, I would recommend accepting. My dad didn't want "any fuss" like that (it's not fuss!) but they really helped my mum.

Original poster
BonApp · 24/08/2017 19:59

SLMB so sorry you had to go through this twice. I've heard good things about Macmillan and said to dad yesterday that he should speak to someone if he can as this is heavy stuff to come to terms with.

Silly really but I think I've thought of cancer patients only having to deal with the physical side of things. But now thinking of my dad having to deal with the mental and emotional side just is 💔

At the moment I can't imagine this heaviness in my heart ever going. I feel like dad's being packed off on a bus with loads of horrid things on it that will hurt him and we've got to stand there and wave him off. We can't help him, we can't stop it. Getting through his illness feels impossible but so does the bit afterwards too. This wasn't suppposed to happen to him, I thought he'd get properly old and I'd feel ready to let him go.

hotpink been thinking of you today. Hope you're as ok as poss.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 24/08/2017 21:15

bon that's exactly how I feel, such a heavy heart. The emotional side is very tough. Dad is back in hospital today with fluid on his lungs. He needs oxygen just to speakSad I don't know where it's all gonna end. He's in a crowded noisy ward tonight, it broke my heart to leave him there.

santas Flowers thanks for the hug.
hot hope you are doing as well as can be expected Flowers

I can vouch for macmillan nurses. I phoned dad's nurse this morning at 10am and he was back in hospital by 3pm and she came to see him on the ward too. She's brilliant Star

Original poster
BonApp · 25/08/2017 07:32

oh jools I hope your dad could get some rest on the ward.

I'm not sure I even really know what Macmillan nurses are supposed to do. I've heard lots of good things. Dad and stepmum said the lung/respiratory nurse was lovely and that they can call her anytime so I think that's helping. I want to thank her already.

Mr brother said he fell apart at work yesterday and got sent home.

@hotpinkangel19 still thinking of you. I would understand now if this thread is too backwards looking for you , but you are still very welcome here. (Clearly posting on mn is not a priority right now).

Best wishes to you all.

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 25/08/2017 12:48

Hi, just checking in. So busy doing all the practical things, just keep stopping and bursting into tears. Dad had his first Macmillan nurse to visit on the day he died so was cancelled. They are supposed to be very good though, for family as well as the patient xx thinking of you all x

MyGuideJools · 25/08/2017 16:09

Thinking about you hot Flowers

Original poster
BonApp · 25/08/2017 16:18

Keep going hotpink, minute by minute if you have to. Thinking of you.

Dad said he had some positives from the nurse today so will fill my brother and I in over Skype tomorrow. I hate that we are both in different countries to him but am so grateful for Skype. And it's lovely to be able to Skype more than one person at a time and see dad's and DB's faces together.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonApp · 30/08/2017 12:20

How is everyone?

It all feels very surreal here as we are just carrying on as normal. As is my dad as he's just feeling as he always has (except now with a dark cloud hanging over him).

I don't feel sick or panicky anymore though I guess that will come and go with each new appointment/scan/stage, but I do feel sad.

Still thinking of you all Flowers

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 30/08/2017 17:20

Hi bon it's very surreal isn't it, until all the appointments start to kick in. It's good you're not feeling quite so bad, I hope that continues!
Dad's just spent another week in hospital with chest infection. I'm panicking more now he's home because he panics about being breathless! He's got oncology appointment next week so I'm dreading that. I wake every morning in a state of panic wondering what the day will bring!
Flowers good to hear from you, stay strong.