Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

Thanks ladies,@Ang69 I do believe he didn't want me there, the look on his face of relief when I walked in to see him - I think he needed to see me before he could go. 11 weeks before he died I watched my Mum die - I saw her take her last breath. It broke my heart but I needed to be strong for Dad - then we found out Dad was dying 2 weeks after her funeral and I was 20 weeks pregnant when he died. My family was just us three and I couldn't watch him die. I sat downstairs crying while my husband held his hand.
Sorry - this isn't about me, I just meant that I wanted @BonApp to not feel like this - to say what she needed to and be with her Dad. I am so sad for you. We are here if you need us xx

hotpink I 'know' your story but it still breaks my heart when I read it What a blessing you have in your little girl tho.
bonapp I second what ang69 and hotpink say, we've been there, we are here for you, day or night ⚘⚘

Dad is getting a bit confused and agitated, it’s not too stressful but obvs we want him to be comfortable.

I am telling him how much we love him as often as poss.

It definitely does feel like a privilege.

hot don’t apologize, you've been through such a lot and it’s absolutely fine for you to talk about it here. You have been a terrific support to me so feel free to lean on us here too.

bon my dad became confused and agitated, it's upsetting. Dad kept trying to take his oxygen mask off and get out of bed, although he was 'asleep'.
The nurses gave him something in his cannula which calmed him down for a while. I didn't ask what it was
In the last few hours dad became very calm and stayed this way then until he passed.
keep holding him and telling him you love him. How is your stepmum?

Yes he’s got a syringe driver now with a mixture of relaxants and pain relief. It just doesn’t seem to calm him for long. It’s not too stressful to watch as it’s not severe, but I just hope it’s a random moment of confusion and not that he’s feeling confused all the time.

Thank you for explaining how our dad got calmer in his last few hours. I’ve been wondering how things will go from here and whether there will be further marked changes to signify he’s closer to the end.

My stepmum is ok. She’s been home a few times and we are talking loosely about “after” in terms of the house, the funeral, dads stuff etc which I think is good. She said tonight she’s had months of being on high alert listening to dads breathing or watching for signs of sleep whilstbges in pain. She is a worrier so I think it will be good for her to not have to worry anymore, even though I know it’ll be replaced with sadness. I think just the big expense of life ahead of her alone is overwhelming. My brother and I will return to our respective countries and we’ll crack on with our lives, and she’ll be left on her own. No children of her own, us with the grandkids abroad, and her family are a couple of hours drive away. She has friends here and knows she shouldn’t think about moving or selling the house straight away but I think it’ll be very sad for her to be on her own every day. If we were living here we’d be able to pop in most days or invite her over and generally keep her busy until she was more used to being by herself, you know, help her transition gently ish, plus keep a close eye on her. I know it’s not my responsibility to make sure she’s ok but i do feel like she’ll be a bit abandoned when we go back to our lives. And her transition into widowhood will be a bit of a bump she is welcome to come visit us (though flying alone will be a big thing for her) as much as she wants. We’ll be back too but we hadnt really wanted to come back too often to be honest. I guess it’ll all fall into place somehow.

Dad had morphine patches in his final days. Mum had the syringe driver though - it had midazolam in which is the relaxant they use most often in end of life care. It helped control mum's seizures but it's used mainly for agitation and has a calming effect. Mum just slept really and didn't communicate much after it was given and again this is normal so don't worry xx I don't know how much your Dad was talking before but that shocked me that she wasn't awake. Mum's passing was very peaceful and I think that was aided by the syringe driver. It sounds like your Dad is being given the same, and he is definately in the right place by the sounds of it. Xx

⚘⚘thinking about you this morning bonapp

Just checking in on @BonApp too. Sending a hug x

Thank you. No real changes, dad is calmer today.

We asked one of the nurses if there are likely to be more changes or anything to indicate the end is closer, and she said maybe a bubbly throat (the rattle I guess) but not always, otherwise just longer gaps in his breathing and more shallow breathing. They seem to think that whilst he’s deteriorating, he’s doing so quite slowly. Dads out of it 99% of time but does occasionally respond, and they expect that this will stop soon.

Midazolam is in the syringe driver with morphine.

I agree, he’s in the right place for sure. We all are.

This brings back so many memories. I can't believe I went through this almost 9 months ago, it seems like last week.
Dads breathing was very noisy and a couple of times he seemed to stop breathing for a minute then started again.
At the end he just stopped breathing and didn't start again. It was all very calm.
Only 24 hours earlier he was awake and taking sips of water. Although he was very sleepy and quiet by then.
Stay strong, you are doing all you can

Just checking in. Thinking of you

Solidarity with you, BonApp, also doing the bedside vigil with my mum. Hope you are ok. X

⚘♥️ to anyone sitting at the bedside of their loved ones today.

Sorry jools if this us bringing back painful memories.

Thanks hot.

My heart goes out to you kernow.

I am ok I think. I struggle with that idea that my dad is now laying in a bed almost comatose and that he’s so poorly. We are mainly just chatting around him and holding his hand. I can’t imagine when “the moment” will be, I guess I’d always thought it would be a big build up but am realizing it’ll prob just be case of him stopping at some point.

We are also just popping in and out of the hospice to do jobs or get food but someone is here the whole time.

I can’t see that he’s got long but we’ve been saying that since Monday.

bonapp please don't apologise. I think in a way it's good for me to write type things down. And I like to think it might help you know what to expect,
I've struggled this past week and have been bursting into tears, which isn't me atall.
I was watching A&E on tv and was a blubbering mess! I work in a hospital ffs I should be used to it. But I'm really missing dad this week.
I guess the grief comes and goes, mum is ok at the moment so we sort of hold each other up, although she doesn't know about me crying.
Anyway, sorry I'm rambling on.....
Love and strength to you and your dad ⚘♥️

Oh bless you struggling this week jools. The only thing I can think to say is that how much you miss your dad and how much it hurts is a sign of how much he was and still is loved. Bittersweet though.

you are right bonapp
"it only hurts because we loved them so much"
I'm going to get in the garden today and plants some flowers in my pots and have a tidy up, dad would be cross if I let my garden become a mess
Thankyou. Strength to you today⚘

I honestly can’t believe he’s still going. I think the nurses thought it would be sooner than this too.

In a way it’s a little bubble - home/hospice/home/hospice. Once dads gone real life will kick back in I suppose.

I feel keen to get back to my life (I really miss my DH and DC now) but I know so much will need to happen and will have changed.

It must be so hard being in another country. I bet you are missing DH and DC
You won't get this time again with your dad so it's so lovely that you are able to be with him.
how old are DC? I seem to recall they are quite young?
So so tough x

Just coming on to say that dad died peacefully this morning. My stepmum was with him, my brother at i were at home but we went down to see him as soon as we heard. I’m so pleased that after such a horrible horrible disease he got a calm ending. I’m very very proud of him 💙

Bonapp, I am so happy your lovely dad now has peace. You have been amazing and should be very proud of yourself too. It is so bloody hard juggling work and family and being torn between them and being there for your parent. I completely empathise as did the same as you and practically had to stop working last year and was away for weeks at a time from my children. It was worth it though and it gives me a lot of comfort to know I was there for my mum. You were there in every way for your dad and step-mum, it just shows how much they mean to you.

We will be here to support you in the next steps, they won't be easy but I do believe you will find a lot of peace in the months ahead.

RIP Bonapps dad, you were obviously an amazing dad and very loved, that will always be remembered.

Sending love.

Sending lots of love

bonapp What can I say? there are no words are there. Ang69 summed up my thoughts exactly.
You should be so proud of yourself at what you have done to be with your dad and stepmum. Your wonderful dad is at peace now and free from that awful disease.
It's early days,look after yourself. we are all here for you, don't disappear ⚘⚘♥️

So sorry bonapp. I’ve followed your posts as they almost completely mirror my own situation. My dear Mum passed away yesterday. It was peaceful for her too - one thing the disease couldn’t take from her! Look after yourself x