Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

each

@EachandEveryone 
She's amazing @MyGuideJools I honestly don't know how I'd have been if I didn't have her x How are you doing? X

hotpink I'm ok most of the time thanks. Weekends are hard as I spent time with dad, and the sunshine makes me sad as dad loved being out in his garden. I miss him dreadfully but day to day I'm ok. Thanks for asking xx

each so sorry to hear your dad's now gone. I can understand somewhat about the ending not being as bad as the journey. For a long time I felt a sense of panic/free-falling but now it feels like things have somehow settled and fallen into place. Of course it's not a place we want to be in, but we are there nonetheless.

Dad is back in the hospice. It was stressful and emotional getting him there, but he's comfortable and being well looked after, as is my stepmum. He seems to have improved everso slightly and was eating a bit more and talking a bit easier. However, he doesn't want to improve, he wants to go.

So things still feel calm, yet expectant, like we're waiting. Which I guess we are. I still feel ok and better about it all than I have in a long time, at peace in a funny way like now that dad has accepted it all, I can too. I don't know, it's weird.

Saying that I'm very very tired emotionally though. It all sounds very wrong to say, but I want my life back, I want normality back, I don't want to be travelling every other weekend and be away from the kids anymore, I don't want to think about death and how much I'll miss my dad. I'm fed up with wondering what life will feel like without him and whether my stepmum will cope ok. I am tired of feeling confused and guilty and angry and scared and worried and sad.

So the calm feels like a welcome relief. Yet I feel just horrible for thinking enough is enough.

bon of course you've had enough, it's been a very long journey and you have got used to being constantly worried about your dad, your family life, your stepmum and 'afterwards'
I've got no answers, but I know how you're feeling.
And afterwards I was totally floored and slept for days which is probably the after effects of all the worrying.
I'm glad your dad is currently settled.
Be kind to yourself

jools I wish I could hug you, you always say the right thing. You have been such a wonderful support, despite going painfully through the same with your dad too. Thank you so much.

Now you've made me cry! I'm glad to be of help, I think it is comforting to know how someone feels as they have been through the same thing, it's a bloody horrible disease and I've got every sympathy for anyone whose loved one is going through this. And I would love to give you a hug too!!
I've actually been quite tearful today. Ive had some sort of virus which has left me a bit low. I got my 'dad' box out this morning. It has sympathy cards, photos, PM report, funeral stuff, everything! I had a good old cry.
Some days it just hits me hard, I guess it always will

@BonApp I remember feeling like that, relief for Mum and Dad that it was all over. It's the constant worry, travelling, hospital things, tests, I remember being on edge constantly waiting for the phone to ring, I used to dread my phone ringing.
You said your Dad feels he is ready to go - he's probably had enough too. My Mum had, and that made it a bit easier knowing she had accepted it and was ready. Xx

Oh the phone! I used to freak out every time my mobile rang. In fact after dad had gone I had to change the ringtone as I was still panicking each time it rang.
My dad was also ready to go but he was more worried about leaving us all behind. I had to reassure him that we would all be fine and that I would look after mum. So so hard😞⚘

jools I think it’s healthy to have a good cry. It shows that you don’t stop loving someone. And much better than bottling it up.

hot yes dad has had enough, and knowing that has somehow given me permission to feel ok about him going too.

Best wishes to you both

wishing you a peaceful weekend bon⚘

Dropping in from time to time to see how you're all doing. Wanting your life back is so normal. I felt like that and had such conflicting feelings of wanting things to be over and not wanting to let go. I was numb for quite a while and now 7 months on from losing mum I am only starting to properly grieve. It's clear you have all been wonderful daughters and I know your parents must have taken so much pride and comfort from having you there.

Bon, you will be ok, it will be tough but I do believe you are through the hardest part which I think is the diagnosis and the hoping then being knocked down with the realisation that nothing can be done. I'm not saying the next part of the journey is easy but you have done so well supporting your dad and step-mum and you will take comfort that your dad will be at peace when this is over. Hugs to you all, we are lucky to have and to have had parents who we love so much.

Ang69 lovely words⚘
Hope you are doing ok.

@ang69 thank you so much. Sorry about your mum, I hope you are doing ok.

My stepmum has put photos up on the wall in the hospice. They show our family in happier times and it’s hard to believe that my dad was happy and healthy just a short while ago. His face looks so different in the photos compared to now.

He’s sleeping most of the time and some of his drugs have been increased so he’s barely awake or talking. Hard to believe that photos and memories are all that will be left. Though tbh there’s not currently much of him there anyway. He said again this morning that he’s had enough.

It’s very sad being at his house. All his stuff just where it’s always been, but he’ll never be there ever again. I am beginning to see how life simply goes on, just without those who die, they are completely absent and the world keeps turning.

It’s really making me see how life is so very very short.

bon life indeed is very short. I can't get my head around the fact that my dad has just gone. I kept saying to DH 'where's he gone?' I simply couldn't comprehend it.
I remember coming to his house the morning he'd gone. Seeing all his 'stuff' around was heartbreaking. Mum still hasn't emptied dads wardrobe. I told her she can leave it there for as long as she needs, there's no hurry.
I still find hard going into their house.

I’m worried about my stepmum going back in their house tbh. At the moment she’s staying overnight in the hospice and she slept downstairs with dad when they got the bed in the lounge. She’s only been popping back for a few mins and not every day. She’s going to find it v hard to go back there I think

She might surprise you. As upset as my mum was she was adamant she was going back to the house alone the night he died. she wouldn't let any of us stay with her.

she said if she didn't go straight back there she never would. she put on dads dressing gown and that was it. So brave
All you can do is offer support, your step mum will know what she wants to do when the time comes⚘

I really hope so jools, for her sake.

The doc says dad has just days now. He’s been a bit stressed and confused but the hospice staff are doing a great job of keeping him as comfortable as poss. One of us is with him at all times. I think we’re doing ok.

oh Bon 😥I'm so sorry. Talk to him, tell him you love him, hold his hand. I'm sure you are doing this anyway. I'm sure you are doing really well, it must seem very surreal.
I remember feeling very privaliged being there with my dad at the end. Alot of people don't get the chance.
Stay strong xx

@BonApp sending love. I know how hard this is. @MyGuideJools has good advice, say what you need to now, I couldn't be there when my Dad died - I don't think he wanted me to to be honest but I regret not trying, not being stronger, not being there for him. It still breaks my heart and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Please take care of yourself xxx

hotpink please don't blame yourself, as we read on here, some people seem to want to be alone when they die. I'm sure your dad knew how much you loved him.

You can't live the rest of your life not forgiving yourself, your dad wouldn't want that I'm sure♥️⚘

I hope you don't mind me posting, I've just come across this thread and wanted to say how amazing you all are. My dad died from cancer when I was 16, I was obviously very young then and I was lucky to be able to only have to "worry" about how I was feeling when he passed. It was very quick as well, he was gone within a month of diagnosis. My nan was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when my DS was 1 and I remember the myriad of emotions and the overwhelming feeling towards the end of just wanting it to be over. Which of course led to guilt for feeling that way when my lovely nan was dying! But I've realised now, it is perfectly natural to want the person you love to not be in pain anymore. Obviously the most ideal way would be for them to be healthy but in a terminal illness, death is the only way for them to get that peace.

BonApp, I hope your dad gets some comfort in his final days

Thank you all.

@hotpinkangel19 - if I can tell how much you love your dad from your posts then I’m certain he felt it and will have known how much you care about him. You will have made him proud, I’m pretty sure...

@fallensky I can’t begin to think how difficult it must’ve been for you to lose a parent at such a young age.

The hospice nurse have recommended saying “may I have peace” over and over again gently to dad as a kind of mantra when he’s getting a bit agitated. It seems to calm him down. It’s heartbreaking and reassuring all at once.

It's good he is being well cared for and also there is support for your family from the hospice. It sounds like he is ready so that is lovely that in his final days he has peace and love around him.

Hotpinkangel, please don't feel guilty, it isn't always possible to be with someone as they pass, it doesn't mean that you love them any less. I have nursed hundreds of patients in their final hours and very often no-one is with them apart from the nursing staff even though they had very loving families. Some people do prefer to go on their own and actively wait for that to be the case. As I said before, the love from all of you for your parents is palpable, that wouldn't have gone unnoticed.

Stay strong Bon, we are all holding your hand. You will be ok.