Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

So I'm back in the UK.

And there was no real need to rush back tbh. I think my stepmum panicked because dad was so sleepy and weak yesterday/Saturday. Yes he has declined a bit since I was last here less than 2 weeks ago, but he's not yet awful (though it's all relative really). I'm a bit frustrated because I'd sent emails to my boss and colleagues saying "dad's deteriorating quickly, I need to go back now" when really that's not quite the case. I know it's difficult to tell if a bad few hours is going to be a bad few days, or become the start of the end, but it was really stressful yesterday trying to work out what to do, organize flights, organize DH and the kids, organize work, all for no real reason. I need to not get angry about this. It's good that I'm here and really they need two people here at all times with dad to help lift him/go to the loo etc (and my brother is busy for a few days) so it's fine really, but I'm still frustrated.

I'm so sorry you're going through this BonApp - I know how difficult it was when my DM was dying, and that only involved people travelling in the UK. We had several false alarms.

Such an awful shitty time - my heart goes out to you all. But reading through the thread, none of you could have done more, and I hope that will give you some comfort in the future.

bon yes it's frustrating and more so for you as you have to arrange travel, flights, kids etc! I would be the same in your shoes.
But try and see it as extra time with your dad that you can't get back. It's an awful time and my thoughts are with you ⚘

I guess I’m just concerned that there might be more false alarms and then for the real thing I don’t take it seriously. My stepmum is pretty (obviously and understandably) anxious.

Dad is having a good day.

I’m off out for a walk in the sun.

yea i guess that's a problem. Looking back, with my dad he was very sleepy/quiet the day before, and his oxygen requirement went right up (he was in hospital) and the sleepiness/confusion carried on the next day. He passed away the following morning. But, I didn't even realise he was at 'the end' until the Dr rang and called us back in. We had only left dads side 2 hours before
What I'm trying to say is that I don't suppose anyone really knows, sadly, for you, your dad could go on like he is for days, weeks.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, it's heartbreaking⚘♥️

Oh @BonApp I'm sorry xx No one expected my Dad to die the day he did, even though nurses and a GP had been to visit hours before. Same with mum, she was put on End of life care on 23rd April last year. Stopped eating and drinking that week but managed to hold on nearly 6 weeks which surprised everyone. It's a horrible situation to be in, please don't forget if you need to talk we are here, any time xxx look after yourself

I know, there’s just no way of knowing.

It’s weird because it feels so normal and so surreal all at once. We are kind of used to “dad being ill” I guess. Then it hits you how big it all is.

It’s like he’s properly old - he is hunched, he needs to be lifted onto the bed/sofa/toilet, or wheeled between any of those. A few months ago he was kicking a ball about with my dc. He seems 90 even though he’s only 70.

A nurse came early to see to dads bedsores. The heels of his feet are red/cracked too. She said that’s common and then felt his feet and said how cold they are. His face has been flushed all day, with pink cheeks. I’ve read that your temperature goes a bit haywire and extemeties get cold as you near the end.

I feel disloyal having even googled this.

Don't, when Mum was put on End of life care I googled everything. All her medications, symptoms etc. It helps to be prepared xxx

My dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma in Nov 17, he died on 26th March 2018 aged 78 and we buried him last week. It is, was, a bloody cruel disease, he worked with asbestos once aged 16. We weren't ready for the end, he wasn't ready to go, I was sat beside him, holding his hand as he took his last breath and I have to say, the hospice staff had everything beautifully under control and the end was very peaceful. I knew what was coming in the final days because I used to work in a children's hospice but please don't feel guilty for Googling, the hospice staff and his oncology nurses will answer questions too. It's shit isn't it.

BonApp - I too found Google my friend when Mum was dying - she also went on for a number of weeks after food and medication were stopped, like Hotpink's Mum. MN was also a great help and source of comfort.

Another thing that helped me was the understanding that death is a process - much the same as birth - and that frequently you go through the different stages, and who knows how long each will last.

Mum was at home, and the nurses kept saying 'she will choose when she goes - who is with her'. I went into her room just after 6 one morning and she made a sound. I woke my DB and told him he needed to come (he was sleeping on her sofa) and she continued breathing erratically, as she had for many days. He asked why I called him, and I couldn't say. After about 15 minutes she incredibly peacefully stopped breathing. Only later did I realise that it was probably the only time that just DB and I were sat by her side - as the house was full of people popping in and out to her. Maybe she did make her choice.

Thoughts to you all

Thank you. I’m a “need to know” person so I find googling helps. I can rationalise it and appreciate that not all info applies in all cases but it helps to know what to expect.

I have no idea how much worse things have to get.

@haberpop sorry to hear your dad had the same. It’s a very cruel disease. We are 8.5 months into a 6 month prognosis.

Love and hugs to those who need them

bon I also googled everything. I hadn't even heard of mesothelioma! and I googled each procedure as we went along.
I'm also much better when I know and can prepare myself, so don't feel guilty.
haberpop it's an awful disease. my dear dad was finally diagnosed last July (they thought he had pulmonary fibrosis) and died in September. It's still very raw to think about it.

It’s all so up and down.

Dad has started saying he doesn’t think he has long left. I think he’s ok with that but feels like he needs to prepare us. It feels positive that he feels like that I think. I told him earlier that we totally trust him and want him to do whatever he needs to do. I think he’s had enough really. And that is ok.

Sorry that’s all a bit garbled!!

bon my dad was the same, in so much as he tried to prepare us. He didn't want to leave us but had suffered enough. He kept saying to me 'mum will be ok won't she?'
bloody broke my heart. I had to be strong and reassure him we'd be ok.

You can do this Bon ⚘⚘♥️

These last days are incredibly hard, we just kept telling dad it was OK to go, that we would be OK and that mum would be taken care of. They were hard days but important for all of us

Things are calm. Dad is sleeping a lot. Somehow this bit feels easier than the sheer panic and dread around the time of diagnosis and the future unknown. Now we are there, or almost, it feels less daunting.

Dad had some breakfast today and water which makes me think if he’s not refusing food yet then maybe it’s not imminent.

I’m due to leave here on Saturday. DH and the kids will go back regardless but I don’t know whether to stay. Knowing I can get back pretty easily and quickly is reassuring. I have accepted that there’s a possibility dad could go quickly and I won’t make it. Or at least I say that now. Hard to know how I’d feel if I do miss it.

Bon I hope your dad is still calm and settled. Have you gone home?

I’m home yes. It wasn’t an easy decision tbh. And I still feel a bit torn. I’ll go back next weekend too, and if I need to go before then I can.

Dad will go to the hospice on Monday and I know they’ll watch closely so will call me if they think I need to get back.

We’ve had some lovely chats with dad the last few days. His sense of humor sneaks out occasionally and he’s said some lovely things.

He is so ready to go. He said he can’t get upset about it anymore, he just wants it to be over. I will miss him so so much but if he wants to go, that’s what I want for him too. He’s concerned the hospice will prolong things, and he wants them to speed it up if anything. We’ve told him that we’ll make sure his wishes are clear.

I feel strange. Almost positive. Like he will be liberated, and actually so will I in that I can regain some of my life and focus on DH and the kids again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t resent the time I’ve spend back in the UK but the last 10 months have been exhausting. I know grief is a journey and I’m expecting that the sadness will never totally go, but in a way knowing that dad is ready to go is making me feel ready to move on. Clearly it won’t all be straightforward and I know my poor stepmum is going to struggle bless her. But if dad is ready to kiss goodby to the horror that is mesothelioma then so am I.

Bon I so agree with everything you've said. The relief that dad was no longer suffering was like a weight being lifted.
My adult DD who suffers from health anxiety (I thought she would go totally to pieces) said when I told her grandad had died "oh that's ok isn't it as grandad won't have to suffer any more, he hated living like that didn't he mum" and I thought, yea she's right.
Of course I miss him so so much and I'd wish him back here in a heartbeat. But he had had enough and couldn't suffer any more. I was actually glad that he didn't get to go through chemo as he would have suffered even more for what could have been very little benefit.
⚘⚘

I am glad too that dad didn’t do the trial and have chemo. It would’ve been even more grueling than this.

He’s calm and settled mostly. He’s been having some twinges of pain and isn’t sleeping wonderfully at night (despite the extra drugs from the district nurses who have been popping in) but overall he is fairly comfortable.

He knows he's loved bon and in a way it's good that you've had a chance to talk to each other and spend precious time with him.
DH dad just dropped dead from a heart attack one morning. No warning, no chance to say goodbyes. Makes you think doesn't it.
I wish your dad, and you, a peaceful night ♥️

I hope your Dad continues to be settled @BonApp I feel my Mum was ready to go so that eased the pain a little. With Dad he wasn't and I wasn't ready either if that makes sense. Sounds selfish I guess.
@MyGuideJools I have health anxiety too, it's horrible. I really feel for your daughter.
My son was diagnosed with ASD yesterday. All I wanted was to tell my mum and dad. I cried instead. Xx

hotpink it's tough isn't it? DD went through a really rough patch a year ago, struggled to leave the house or see anyone. she was signed off work. She has different medication now and is more stable at the moment. sorry to hear about your son, it is times like this you need your parents Hope your little girl is bringing you some joy x

Hi everyone. I was here originally our dads all got diagnosed around the same time. He went peacefully exactly six months to the day the consultant gave him. At home he had a glass of wine and listened to some country and western music. He was so ready. He said he'd be gone by the first frost and sure enough that was the week it started to snow. He lived abroad so he hated our cold weather. The funeral was basic and we had a lovely piper playing as dad was Scottish. We played his favourite track King of the Road and my brother took him to Jamaica and scattered his ashes at Christmas.

I just wanted you to know the ending wasnt as bad as the journey. He refused all treatment and it was the right thing for him. He hated the morphine so just had other strong painkillers. And i cant really talk about it anymore but i am thinking of you xxx