Needles and Neutrophils: The Hobnob Chronicles

[biscuitsandbandages]

Four weeks today I woke in my own bed with my 8 week old daughter in my arms and waited for the inevitable sounds of approaching 4 and 6 year old boys. I had everything I had every dreamed of. Life was difficult and tiring but we were getting there and I had plans for the summer and dreams for our family's future together.

Twelve hours later I was on CCU plugged into a monitor with fluid around my heart secondary to a diagnosis of adult T cell acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. I've not been home since.

Statistically my chances aren't great but statistics don't apply to individuals and leukaemia hasn't met me before. My personal survival statistics calculated by me and based on stubbornness, amazing support from family, friends and my mumsnet backup crew and the healing powers of 3 small children are 100% and I won't accept less.

I have superpowers. I have grown three entire human beings. Piddly little leukaemic cells haven't got a hope.

But.....at times I am very scared. This should not be happening to me. It's was not how I planned to spend my maternity leave. My precious year when I was just going to be their mum and nothing else.

This is my second thread but I'm not going to link back as I'm moving forward. Thank you for moving forward with me.

Biscuits x

Hope you've had a nice big fat bag of blood and your platelets have had a boost.

How's it all going Biscuits?

Sending you love and strenght, hobnob!

After an uneventful bag of platelets to get me through a terrifying but uneventful lumbar puncture im back at home with slowly climbing neutrophils (1.6!) and a plan for next week. My back hurts which is limiting me a bit but is managable and we got out to the local town where the kids watched an open air magic show and played in the playground and i loitered on the peripheries and avoided people.

Afternoon nap for everyone now except my biscuits who refuses! Next week is my last lumbar puncture my next bone marrow biopsy and a Friday afternoon appointment at the transplant centre qhwre they will tell me if im in remission or not and what the next stages are.

Praying.

Praying too, biscuits.

Big week ahead.

Stay stale.

Joining in the prayers.

Have a peaceful weekend Biscuits and family. x

Thinking of you Biscuits, as ever xx

Stay stale!

Praying for remission for you. Xx

I'm not religious but I'll be thinking of you through the week.

I'll be thinking of you next week Biscuits.

thinking of you too xx

I'll be thinking of you Biscuits! have a lovely weekend x

Ah biscuits. Well done neutrophils and glad platelets were ok. Will absolutely be praying for you this week x

Joining you with special remission prayer xx

Haven't been reading recently but found this tonight and praying for a good result for you next week Biscuits xx

A big week ahead,

Glad you've been able to get out and about a bit and avoided the germ laden public wherever possible.

Best wishes for hobnobs, neutrophils and remission.

Xxxxx

Prayers and extra cups of tea for you. .
Hope the Mr Biscuits and the Petri dishes are all OK too.

Well done Biscuits, thinking of you always. Every good wish for next week xxx

Thank everyone.

After a lovely weekend mr biscuits has gone to work and scattered the crumbs to assorted childcare destinations.

I am in a terrible mood. Very angry. Not sure why. It seems to centre on the fact that I feel 100% well and apart from some anxiety/loss of confidence about my ability to cope with the children, I am my normal self. There is surely nothing wrong with me. I cant have leukaemia. I cant have been up most of the night alternating between fear of death if im not in remission and fear of the procedures I have ahead of me if I am in remission.

Seriously this is shit.
Im hoping my leukaemia job list doesnt take top long today so I can pick the youngest two up early. The rest of the week involves procedures with sedation and pain so I wont have that luxury!

I feel totally normal.

Hello Biscuits. Perhaps you're feeling angry today because you've got the energy for it?
Give yourself a nice treat of some sort today if you can and tell that leukaemia to fuck the fuck off.

Agree with Clobbered - if you have the energy to feel angry, hopefully that's a positive sign. Hope you get to get the little ones early (and of course, you will cope) and have some fun!

Thought I would go out for coffee just to be out on my way back to avoid picking the kids up ay lunchtime and disrupting everything.

How do I pick the table that someone decides to sit next to to breastfeed their 13 week old baby girl? Didnt expect it to upset me. Luckily sun hat that is hiding my thinning hair and keeps the sun off my chemo sensitised skin is hiding the tears.

Biscuits, you have every right to feel angry, the universe has dealt you a rotten hand. Life can be so unfair.

We all have faith that you will get through this horrible time and come out the other end to many normal years that you deserve. You are a brave and wonderful lady.

You don't need to always be strong. Thinking of you.

Oh Biscuits, I'm certain if I were in your shoes I'd be consumed with rage and bitterness every day. The fact that you've been able to process information regarding your treatment, retain your sense of humour and deal with mummy/wife stuff shows how amazingly resilient you are, but you don't need to be like that every minute of every day.

ljny is right, it's horrifically unfair.