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Original poster

Mum has pancreatic cancer

234 replies

oldbaghere · 16/12/2013 19:09

He has a few months at most

Fuck

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 17/12/2013 15:01

Ah, oldbag, I agree, I think your changed circumstances 'trump' any other consideration and yes, it is sad that you even have to argue your side of things.
And no, YANBU to wish you had not found out before Christmas Sad.
You did, and now you'll have to make the best of the hand you've been dealt.
Keep looking after yourself as best you can.

vladthedisorganised · 17/12/2013 15:14

I'm so sorry oldbag. You've had the rug pulled from under you and you're in shock - I remember the same feeling when my fit-as-a-fiddle, never-smoked mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last year.

Be very, very blunt with your ex and your ex-SIL. I had to do the same with my boss ('no, I don't care if you're 'disappointed by my lack of commitment to the company', I can't work extra hours over Christmas because..') and while it hurt to say the words, I felt vindicated at the same time.

Once I'd got past the initial shock I found the MacMillan helpline were very good with my flurry of questions; they really helped me get my head around the practicalities (what drugs? how does chemo work? will she have to stay in hospital for ages?).

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk, ask anything or rant.

Santaspelvicfloor · 17/12/2013 15:24

Old bag I'm so sorry that you are going through this and a heartless bitch and weak man are adding to it

MumOfStan · 17/12/2013 15:37

I'm so sorry for you and your mum. My dad had this and whilst he didn't survive it he did live with it for 13 months and had some decent quality of life for much of it. I'd be very happy to help you by sharing advice/experiences. It was the worst time in my life, and I am still mourning him but I am functional, enjoy life and find i can co-exist with the pain to a great extent although at the time of diagnosis I did want to just go to sleep and not get out of bed, ever,

There is a wonderful,wonderful online community called pancreatic cancer uk, they have an amazing forum with lots of hope and specialised nurses who you can talk to over email and over the phone. They were an absolute life saver for me for the year dad was ill.
www.pancreaticcancer.org.uk

He did have chemo by the way and did get some benefit from it.
Wishing you courage and strength through the pain.

NatashaBee · 17/12/2013 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 20:57

he won't swap i have tried. he says no he also says i am using emotional blackmail telling him it's mum s last christmas he can dfuck off

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 17/12/2013 23:02

oldbaghere wtaf has it all got to do with your exs sil? As far as l can work out she isn't even a fucking blood relative. Jeez. As others have said , tell your DCs they are going to your mums and why and then just refuse to habd them back to him. I mean can you imagine if he took you to court , pretty obvious who would get laughed out of the place. Or if he called the police ? or social services ? they are really going to forcibly take your children off you at Christmas under these circumstances? The world has definitely gone mad if they do. In fact you could beat him to it and contact social services/the police yourself now telling them what he has told you and you are predicting problems with him.
No way would he or his bitch sister stop me taking my DCs to spend their grans last Christmas with her.

Bahhhhhumbug · 17/12/2013 23:03

habd = hand

Bahhhhhumbug · 17/12/2013 23:15

My son as l said upthread lost his exDMIL to pancreatic cancer last year and he 'let' his ex take their two DDs to stay near their nan and granddads house, hundreds of miles away for months as she absolutely adored her two DGDs and wanted to spend as much time with them whilst still well enough to enjoy it. He saw his DDs once in ten weeks and then at her funeral and then they stayed another week after that and he went back home alone. He missed them terribly of course but would not have dreamt of refusing or being difficult about it. He is happy his two DDS have lots of beautiful memories with their Nana to cherish which has undoubtedly helped them in the grieving process.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 05:18

she's not a blood relative and other than the fact that he has no balls it's fuck all to do with her - but he won't ever stand up to his family so it's not a shock or anything new - he never ever treated me or my family as equals. Ever since she came into the family 16 or so years ago she has done year about with her family and my in laws. This has been rigid and unmoving. And she was asked and refused to move and said she was entitled to Christmas with her family. She is beneath contempt, as is he, because anyone with a shred of human kindness would have been flexible in the circs.

But as my boss said to me last night he is a shit and it's nice to know he hasn't disappointed and is still a shit. And everyone and anyone looking in from outside can see it. there is not one person who I have told that hasn't said but why won't he swap.

And he said to me that it wasn't a big deal it was only a day - well then what's the big deal in swapping you fucker?

He has had the sheer unadulterated GALL to send my father a lick arse email which dad said was a nice gesture. I am fuming

copied from my AIBU however :

Ha! karmas struck already.

Normally we swap the kids on christmas day at 8pm. that's been the time we stuck at a few years ago when they were younger to get them a late night but still give whoever had them a chance of a christmas day of a decent length.

I have a text he sent a few weeks ago confirming he will be returning them to me at 6pm. its obviously a mistake and I haven't done it yet but wibu to send him a text confirming that I will be expecting the children with me at 6pm as per his text of yadda yadda date?

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 07:00

Can anyone tell me what median survival rate means?

OP posts:
Santaspelvicfloor · 18/12/2013 09:54

If MSR is e.g. 3 months, 50% of people will die before this time and 50% after. It's based on evidence of everyone with same stage of disease so is a very blunt tool to give you an idea of life expectancy. Apologies for being so blunt

Utterly · 18/12/2013 09:59

So sorry Sad. You ex is an arse.

Bahhhhhumbug · 18/12/2013 12:58

Sod the 6pm drop off and crumbs of an extra few hours OP !! Hope you told your dad his refusal to let you have the kids so he might see through that sickly email. I think you need to simply refuse to hand the DCs over on Christmas day and then just hand them over next day he is due to have them - a la fait accompli. What's worst he can do?

PacificDingbat · 19/12/2013 22:13

Thinking of you, oldhag - hope you've found some resolution for Christmas Day and that your mother is hanging in there Thanks

Original poster
oldbaghere · 20/12/2013 05:45

I have an acceptance that it's 6pm and party on from there. We intend to be pie eyed by the time the kids arrive Grin they might have to make their own dinner

Today we meet with her consultant. I was trying to be supportive and not pushy but I had a ton of questinos and I emailed them through to dad last night and he's asked that I be there today.

I have a friend who I've not seen for years and years who I remembered today was a palliative care nutritionist and thanks to the dreaded facebook me and her had a long long chat last ngiht she's given me loads of advice re omega 3 and creon and other stuff I've written down in my little black book of questions. And she's going to call up and see mum and dad after christmas.

OP posts:
Tiredtrout · 20/12/2013 06:22

Been thinking of you oldbaghere, that's really good about your friend. I hope you get some answers today

Original poster
oldbaghere · 20/12/2013 06:28

She was really really helpful - there's stuff mum should be on to help replace some of the things her pancreas isn't producing and she's not on it yet so we can ask today that she be put on it. She also mentioned a specific nutritional supplement that is specifically designed for pancreatic cancer so that's another thing we can ask about.

She also, not so positively, basically said there was nothing treatment wise that could be done with mum at the stage she was. That the symptoms could be controlled but even palliative chemo (which I'd read about on the internet) was likely to just make her sicker and be of no benefit.

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Original poster
oldbaghere · 20/12/2013 06:29

In other news, I have valium and zopiclone. Haven't taken them, but even having them in my handbag is helping. My GP was brilliant yesterday. Utterly fantastic. He is brilliant anyway, but Dr Sean, you were fantastic with me.

OP posts:
Santaspelvicfloor · 20/12/2013 07:52

Oldbag. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

Take care that your dad still feels in control of his own health and care. He will need to feel that his opinion counts and he's not just cooperating with other peoples agenda. (I'm sure the hosp will involve him and not just tell him what is good for him. But he needs to feel that)

Tiredtrout · 20/12/2013 17:12

It's good that your mums consultant was able to be so honest with you all and that your gp was able to help you too. Been thinking about you today and you are totally write in thinking your ex is an arsehole. You're all on such a hard road at the minute but it will ease and it will get more positive. During my mums illness we became very close I hope you can still have a nice Christmas with your mum regardless of all the shit

SauceForTheGander · 20/12/2013 17:22

I'm so sorry oldbag

I lost my beloved grandmother in April to pancreatic cancer - my absolute favourite person.

Prognosis is very rarely good but we do know someone who has spent much of the year not getting any sicker [with pancreatic cancer]. You asked about timings - for us we got confirmation in January and she passed end of April. I'm so sorry.

There are definitely links with diabetes / insulin / dementia so you may need to be prepared for some confusion / dementia symtoms for your dear mum.

Sorry to all of those who have lost loved ones.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 20/12/2013 17:58

He appointment today didn't happen because her results weren't available from the regional centre they hadn't been sent up.

Her consultant is now on holiday and her case has been discussed with the senior reg.

She is to be seen on Monday.

I am fuming. She has been given to her birthday if we are lucky. 8 weeks. And now we have wasted a week fucking about.

Friend advised me on supplementary things she could have like freon, but she can't get that til she sees a doc.

My plan is go with them on Monday and hold a sit in until I get answers and some sort of care plan in place.

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Original poster
oldbaghere · 20/12/2013 17:58

CREON

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Tiredtrout · 20/12/2013 18:15

That sounds a plan, please don't waste time waiting for the hospital though, do what you can with your mum while she is up to it. In terms of time scales my mum was told in June and died in September. She had one session of palliative chemo which put her in hospital for two weeks as she reacted badly.