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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

Original poster

Trying to conceive with a bisexual husband

97 replies

Thesquirrel · 31/10/2009 11:21

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1 year. He is bisexual. He goes to saunas to have sx with other men. I have known about this for a long time and am comfortable with it. There is obviously a risk he will catch an STD so we practice safe sx. Last year he caught syphillis, but didn't pass it on to me.

In August we decided to start TTC. He stopped going to the sauna and had STD checks - all clear. To be totally clear of HIV we need to wait 3 months before having unprotected s*x. Last week he told me he was desperate to go to the sauna and didn't think he could hold out for the full 3 months. He ended up going and now I feel completely deflated - I have been so looking forward to having a baby, and it seems like we'll never make it through the 3 months (and further months depending on how long it takes to conceive). He feels terrible and really guilty.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2009 13:23

It's not hostility, it's an appreciation of statistics . I've in the middle of reading Bad Science and there's a lot in there about how people are misled by the selective way data is presented. Plus "Lots of people do it" is generally the cry of people caught out doing exactly what lots of people don't do.

AChocolateDigestive · 31/10/2009 13:30

About 6 people in the uk got syphillis last year... I call troll

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/10/2009 13:31

The clue is in the fact that you were working on a helpline for people with sexuality related problems. The proportion of the population ringing the helpline is miniscule to begin with, it's hardly a wide ranging sample on which to base your thesis

Dont try and normalise this situation.
A small proportion of men visiting gay saunas may be married, but it's hardly a vast number of men, married or otherwise, using these services in the first place.

Op, you cannot dictate what is posted on this site. If you want advice about how to conceive with a syphilis riddled philanderer I suggest you post somewhere more 'specialised'

carriedababi · 31/10/2009 13:31

uh oh, my trolldar is tingling!!!.

if you are for real, please find someone who you can have a real life together with before starting a family.
you will need someone that can really be there for you both
its bloody hard at times

miumiu · 31/10/2009 13:35

I think it is very laid back of you to be able to accept a partner who shags like a rabbit with other men and then brings the odd disease home by accident.

I think it is irresponsible of you to bring a child into your setup.

AChocolateDigestive · 31/10/2009 13:35

I wish I had checked that before posting!

dizietsma · 31/10/2009 13:49

"The clue is in the fact that you were working on a helpline for people with sexuality related problems."

Erm... no. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender helpline is for people with all sorts of issues who fall under that category. They are as likely to have sexual health issues as heterosexuals, sorry. Sexual health calls are not normally taken by our organisation as we have very good sexual health services and helplines here, and most people go to them first. The helpline is mostly for emotional issues and practical stuff like information on the local scene. We are a likely to hear from a bereaved gay man, a parent of a gay teenager looking for information and someone looking for scene info. The calls from married men who have sex in saunas tend to be about emotional issues from the strain of living a double life (poor babies, I know).

"Dont try and normalise this situation."

"I've in the middle of reading Bad Science and there's a lot in there about how people are misled by the selective way data is presented. "

I'm not trying to normalise it. I simply am trying to point out that it is more common than you'd think, or at least than I thought, not claim that every second married man is in this situation. I'm certainly not trying to suggest I have any sort of empirical evidence (although I will do the next time I get to see the helpline call stats, so I can get back to you on that ), so don't get all Goldacre on me.

"About 6 people in the uk got syphillis last year... I call troll"

That seems unlikely as 2,680 people were diagnosed in 2007 Syphilis is making a comeback, as those statisics show. One of the reasons for this is that it is possible to transmit it through oral, and hardly anyone uses protection for oral.

AChocolateDigestive · 31/10/2009 13:55

Yes, that's why I said I wish I had checked before posting!! Don't know where I made up that statistic from.

But op, he could also have given you stis that you wouldn't know about unless you showed symptoms, like hpv or hsv. His lack of love for you is shocking. Please see you are worth more than this.

mrswill · 31/10/2009 14:39

Where are these gay saunas [nosy intrigued emoticon]. Two of my bf's are a gay couple and they've never mentioned them, not that im saying they dont exist though.

To the OP - i dont think its the bisexuality that is questionable. Its the going round shagging indiscriminately and bringing home diseases that demonstrates he has zero respect for you, or at least a unhealthy addiction. If you want to put up with this as you understand him, and the relationship works, fair enough. But i think your dream of having children will have to take a back street to his wants and needs. At the minute he is choosing and showing more commitment to his lifestyle, rather than having a baby. Of course, if you want to accept this, at least you carry on with your eyes open. But remember, what you want is important too.

dittany · 31/10/2009 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGhoul · 31/10/2009 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

electra · 31/10/2009 14:58

I think it's a bit unfair to shout troll. Just because all of you are in monogamous relationships doesn't mean everyone signs up to that. The OP said she was comfortable with her husband's sexuality.

However, there is clearly a conflict of interest in this relationship and I would say it's going to be a bone of contention isn't it? A bit like when one person wants a child and the other doesn't. I do think he is being selfish - if he really wants a child he should be able to last 3 months imo.

LeninGhoul · 31/10/2009 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 31/10/2009 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

electra · 31/10/2009 15:13

But it's not for us to judge other people's relationships and how they conduct them.

LeninGhoul · 31/10/2009 15:14

This reply has been deleted

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Lulusbrotherisgettingmarried · 31/10/2009 15:49

the fact he is putting his extra marital affairs above the health of his wife and the potential health of his unborn child are the issue, not the fact he has sex with men.

the OP does not sound happy

the husband gets to shag who he wants when he wants and she can't even get an assurance he will abstain long enough to conceive

howeve, if my husband caught syphillis, even if i did not catch it, he'd be out of the door so fast

i would not accept the risk to my health so he can have other sex partners

Lulusbrotherisgettingmarried · 31/10/2009 15:52

also, what if it takes 6 or 12 months to conceive?

dittany · 31/10/2009 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jujubean77 · 31/10/2009 16:28

How totally revolting.

dizietsma · 31/10/2009 16:48

mrswill- an intro to gay saunas.

thegreatescape · 31/10/2009 16:49

i think it unlikely your husband is using protection every time he has sex and even if he is, the fact that he caught something anyway demonstrates it isn't as 'safe' as you think - just less risky. Therefore the 'safe sex' you have together could also have infected you.

You also need to think about the fact that maybe he isn't actually ready for a baby and this is his way of stopping it happen. Also, having a baby/young child is very stressful, if his 'stress reliever' is to go to these saunas, how would you feel about this when you had a child together and a (possibly, many mums do) low body image? Sorry that sentence didn't make much sense but hope you know what i mean.

bigsquirtybloodylips · 31/10/2009 16:54

Thesquirral - would it bother you if he would be going off with another woman? as if yes then it should bother you if hes going off with other men.

Mamazonabroomstick · 31/10/2009 17:02

I am simply stunned at this thrhead.

Why on earth is his being bisexual suddenly given him the right to cheat on you so openly?

Why on earth are you so permissable of him having sex outside of your marriage?

Is it ok for you to sleep with other men?

Is it a specific man he cheats on you with or various? He sounds sleazy and quite frankly his behaviour towards you does not indicate he is anywhere near mature enough to be able to offer the selflessness needed to be a good father.

Celery · 31/10/2009 17:07

I agree with electra. It's not up to us to judge how other people conduct their relationships. There are many different ways to have a relationship and a marriage.

However, if he is unable to commit to staying away from the sauna for as long as it takes to conceive, then I don't think he really wants to have a baby with you.