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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

Original poster

Trying to conceive with a bisexual husband

97 replies

Thesquirrel · 31/10/2009 11:21

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1 year. He is bisexual. He goes to saunas to have sx with other men. I have known about this for a long time and am comfortable with it. There is obviously a risk he will catch an STD so we practice safe sx. Last year he caught syphillis, but didn't pass it on to me.

In August we decided to start TTC. He stopped going to the sauna and had STD checks - all clear. To be totally clear of HIV we need to wait 3 months before having unprotected s*x. Last week he told me he was desperate to go to the sauna and didn't think he could hold out for the full 3 months. He ended up going and now I feel completely deflated - I have been so looking forward to having a baby, and it seems like we'll never make it through the 3 months (and further months depending on how long it takes to conceive). He feels terrible and really guilty.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 31/10/2009 11:51

i would not marry a man who clearly needs other people to satisfy his needs,

i would not have a child with a man who could not commit to being faithful long enough to ensure he did not infect me or a potential baby with anything

if you are both happy with an open marriage, then great, you aren't

i don't think his flaunting his infidelites in front of you is better than doing it behind your back

if he cannot control his dick, then what hope do you have ?

you are deflated and unhappy, is that all you have to look forward to?

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar · 31/10/2009 11:52

MadameCastafiore: Bleach.

Lulumama · 31/10/2009 11:53

seems to me the homosexual side of his life is far stronger than his heterosexual side, if he cannot hold off for long enough to make TTC safe

how would he feel if you were sleeping with other women or men>

KatieScarlett2833 · 31/10/2009 11:53

Oh well, at least he's being honest

Please don't bring a child into this. If he can't keep it in his pants in order to conceive a child, how do you think he's going to cope with a real, live baby?

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/10/2009 11:53

And a loofer

FangsForTheMemories · 31/10/2009 11:54

"Lots of men have to live in fear of their wives leaving them if they ever found out about their true sexuality."

This has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality and EVERYTHING to do with being unfaithful. I will ask my question again - how would you feel if he slept with another woman?? It makes no odds whether it is a man or a woman - cheating is cheating.

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar · 31/10/2009 12:01

It's all a bit too sick to be real.

lockets · 31/10/2009 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EldonAve · 31/10/2009 12:02

Does he want a child?
He seems to want to visit the sauna more

AitchTwoToTangOh · 31/10/2009 12:04

oh i do hope this isn't real. if your husband can't keep his dick in his pants for three months to have a baby then i think he doesn't want a baby. as for all the other stuff, it's a bit insulting to bisexual people (which mind you i think we all are to one extent or another) to suggest that monogamy is not an option.

madmissy · 31/10/2009 12:08

would you be happy with him doing this with other women?? if hes bisexual he could easily go with other women too? what if he falls for some man???

my god i could never be with someone like this let alone marry him or even consider having children!!!

Gracie123 · 31/10/2009 12:12

TROLL!

Trikken · 31/10/2009 12:16

headfairy is right, what an odd thing to tolerate. being bi doesnt mean he can cheat on you, he should still be monogomous if he's married to you. the op's post is a little ott for me to believe, sorry.

mrswill · 31/10/2009 12:22

PMSL, at subject matter followed up by the prudish 's*x'!

Has to be a troll, what gay men go to saunas to pull, is this roman times??

Original poster
Thesquirrel · 31/10/2009 12:24

OK, OK, I get the consensus opinion. No more judgement please. Please only write if you are actually in my situation, as I requested.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 31/10/2009 12:27

My husband is bisexual, as am I. He doesn't run off to saunas for sex, and I don't fuck around either. That's because being bisexual doesn't mean not being monogamous.

Obviously you are happy with the situation as it is, which is your choice. I just wanted to let you know that being bisexual is not carte blanche for infidelity, although I've met a lot of bisexuals who'd think it is.

If your husband is unable to go 3 months without casual sex in a sauna I would be tempted to get him to take the sexual addiction test. Compulsive sex is not healthy or normal even for bisexuals, the way your husband seems unable to stop himself sound pretty compulsive to me.

I think he is being very selfish by putting you at risk of STI's, which he clearly is given that he contracted syphillis through his causual sexual encounters. You didn't get it from him, and as much as you want to frame it as being the result of you carefully protecting yourself, I'm afraid it's sheer luck that you didn't catch it off him. Do you know what happens to babies of syphilitic mothers? Is this the sort of man you want to have a child with? Someone who places his sexual gratification over your and your baby's health?

Trikken · 31/10/2009 12:30

well i dont think you'll get many answers then love.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2009 12:48

Bisexual or not, your husband is being UNFAITHFUL.

Am inclined to think "troll" here.

dizietsma · 31/10/2009 12:52

I don't think she's a troll, LOTS of married men visit saunas for casual sex.

Marioandluigi · 31/10/2009 12:54

Im sorry but I dont believe you!

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2009 13:02

No dizietsma, a few men (in the loosest possible sense of the word) visit saunas a lot. Most men (real men) wouldn't dream of it.

VicarInaBooTu · 31/10/2009 13:03

i think if you put your "dilemma" onto a public forum im afraid your going to get opinions, and opinions that may not be in keeping with what you actually want to hear.

if your looking for people who are in the same situation i dont think your going to find very many people who would allow themselves to be in the same boat as you.

i wonder how he would feel if you sought other lovers?

this isnt an ideal situation to bring a child into. i wouldnt contemplate it tbh.

how have you agreed to the way your relationship operates? did you know about him being unfaithful before you married? i find it a strange thing to accept in a marriage. its not an open relationship, its far to one sided to be called that. he calls all the shots.

if your happy with that then fine, but dont inflict it on a child who has no say.

dizietsma · 31/10/2009 13:05

Well you don't have to! I worked on a LGBT helpline for a while and a large proportion of calls were from married men who went to gay saunas, so I'm not just randomly asserting something here.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2009 13:12

Well it may have been a large proportion of your calls, but the numbers would work out to be a miniscule proportion of married men. Do not assume that lots of people do something just because lots of a small self-selecting sample do something.

dizietsma · 31/10/2009 13:17

What's with all the hostility? I'm not saying your husband is off shagging in gay saunas! Just saying that it's more common than you'd think. Certainly was more common than I thought, and I've been been a part of the LGBT community since I was 14.