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Original poster

When to tell DC that Daddy is bisexual?

265 replies

Caracashiak · 17/05/2020 21:11

I've always known DH is bisexual and it's not an issue for me. We're monogamous and committed for life. (Probably not something I need to point out here, but I'm always flabbergasted at the people who think that if you have a bisexual husband, you must have an open relationship 🙄)

I don't want it to be a secret from DC but I just can't seem to work out how to bring it up? DC are 3 and 1 and it's not like we discuss our sexual preferences or past relationships with them! The 3 year old knows that people can have 2 mummies or 2 daddies but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I also worry about them telling kids at school and getting teased for it (does this still happen?) Or them feeling worried that Daddy is about to go off with a man! I know that kids aren't very logical about it and I can understand how they might think it's a threat to their family unit.

What I also don't want is for it to be some kind of big reveal when they're teenagers or something and for it to feel like some family secret that is traumatic to have revealed to them. It's not a secret, all of our family and friends know about it and are fine with it (bar the religious great-grandparents who have been kept in the dark mostly for their own sakes!).

Help?

OP posts:
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CorianderLord · 18/05/2020 14:39

Maybe when they do sex education you could casually mention that when daddy was younger he sometimes had boyfriends as well as girlfriends . Don't have to make it overly sexual but focus on the love bit

CorianderLord · 18/05/2020 14:41

I think it matters - hiding it would feel like he was ashamed. What if one of the kids is gay and is worried about saying something? And then did just says 'oh me too' like... that would've been useful to know

BacklashStarts · 18/05/2020 15:18

Fucking hell, where did all these bonkers responses come from? And what’s with thinking that marriage = change in sexuality? OP’s dh was bi and remains bi?

I think OP it’ll come up when they start sex Ed or around that time when they start to become interested in relationships. It’ll be, I hope, easy to drop in as ‘some women like men, like mummy. Some women like women like auntie Peggy and some men and women like both like daddy.

Bi sexuality isn’t a kink! It’s about who daddy has been in a relationship with before. If he was in a long term relationship with another man why would have spend the rest of forever pretending he never was?

Marylou2 · 18/05/2020 15:21

I'm 51 and if it was my mum asking I'd say it was still too soon. No child needs to know this sort of information about their parents.

CloudyVanilla · 18/05/2020 15:28

The only thing I can compare this too that I've seen on here is a thread where the poster asked when she should tell her child that when they found out she was pregnant the dad wanted an abortion Confused

It's just a really bizarre thing to tell children until they are exploring their own sexuality as teenagers. It's not hiding anything, it's just not over sharing and over burdening your children with adult information, which is one of the many responsibilities you have as a parent.

WearyandBleary · 18/05/2020 15:34

DH and I are both bi and it has never really been an issue. The kids pick it up over time with our banter especially while watching tv. And we both have photos of old lovers which makes it obvious. We would label ourselves as “bisexual” so there is no “coming out”. It is what it is - just a big meh really.

FWIW all three of our dc also identify as bi.

WearyandBleary · 18/05/2020 15:35

*would not

foreversville · 18/05/2020 16:03

I think some posters are confused. You don't stop being bisexual because you get married. So it doesn't become ancient history.

It's not the same as an abortion, a one off event, which can be tramatic.

It's not a sexual act that you don't do anymore, it's an aspect of your personality.

You don't need to tell your children you're straight or gay because it's obvious.

ITonyah · 18/05/2020 16:07

Yes I am confused.

If you are married to a woman you are only ever going to have heterosexual sex for the rest of your life. How on earth does that make you bisexual?

madcatladyforever · 18/05/2020 16:08

They don't need to know unless it comes up in adulthood. No child in my opinion needs to know about their parents sexual preferences unless it's entirely relevant to the situation.

TARSCOUT · 18/05/2020 16:15

I don't see why it would matter if he wasn't going to act on it. Makinga big deal out of nothing really.

ITonyah · 18/05/2020 16:25

And why is it relevant? Isn't it in the past now?

Being straight doesn't mean we don't make sure our dcs known we would accept what ever life they choose for themselves?

saraclara · 18/05/2020 16:26

Another one who doesn't understand why they need to know, if your husband is committed to you.

The only time I can see it possibly coming up is when they're older and if they ask about past relationships. It might well end up being a reasonably comfortable conversation in that environment. But otherwise I can just see it being really awkward, as kids REALLY don't want to know about their parents' sexuality. And it's likely they will see it in sexual terms rather than emotional terms

foreversville · 18/05/2020 16:28

@itonya OMG you do not turn hetrosexual because you marry a woman!

You don't stay 'hetrosexual' while married to them. You stay attracted to men and women. That's what makes you bisexual. You stay bisexual. You just don't act on it because you're in a monogamous relationship.

Being bisexual doesn't mean that you sleep with both men and women at the same time.

FFS!

OneMomentInHistory · 18/05/2020 16:28

@ITonyah I am heterosexual. If I got divorced tomorrow and never had another relationship, no sex, no kissing. That wouldn't make me no longer heterosexual. I was also heterosexual before I ever has sex. Sexuality isn't just about the sex you're having...

YouJustDoYou · 18/05/2020 16:28

Having been A child whose parents completely.and utterly overshared/overstepped boundaries and treated me like a confidant rather than who I was (their child), there is utterly no fucking need to tell your kids about who their dad is sexually attracted to - unless, for whatever insane reason, they decide to ask when they're older.

Hedgehogblues · 18/05/2020 16:33

Huh, so I guess none of you straight people comment on people you are attracted to, or talk about your history? Wild

TheMarzipanDildo · 18/05/2020 16:36

Some people do seem to think that being bisexual is some weird fetish. Hmm

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/05/2020 16:54

Huh, so I guess none of you straight people comment on people you are attracted to, or talk about your history? Wild

It isn’t actually about being straight, gay or bi. It’s about the OP making a big deal out of something that shouldn’t even be an issue, unless the children ask. I was the child of mother who constantly talked about my father’s women. It fucks up a child. Wait until they ask about previous partners. It’s not difficult. Talking about the father hiding who he is, is nonsense. It shouldn’t actually be about him, it should be about the children.

justtb · 18/05/2020 16:58

I'd tell them when sexuality comes up in school.. my uncle is gay and I was only officially told about it when I was 23/24, it was because 'he way gay when he was younger' - shite excuse. Sorry mum but you've not had a relationship for over 10 years does that mean you were straight when you were younger ?!

ITonyah · 18/05/2020 16:58

You don't stay 'hetrosexual' while married to them. You stay attracted to men and women. That's what makes you bisexual. You stay bisexual. You just don't act on it because you're in a monogamous relationship

So it's irrelevant really.

ITonyah · 18/05/2020 17:01

Huh, so I guess none of you straight people comment on people you are attracted to, or talk about your history?

I don't talk about my sex life with my kids, no. I don't talk to my kids about being sexually attracted to people on the tv, no.

ITonyah · 18/05/2020 17:03

I don't think being bi is a weird fetish. I think if you choose to spend the rest of your life in a hetero relationship then being bisexual is probably in your past,.and completely irrelevant to your children.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 18/05/2020 17:07

Just wait till they ask questions - it will eventually come up.

DD has gay music teachers, I think she was about 8 when she asked one of them about his girlfriend and he replied that he had a boyfriend. They have had quite a few frank age appropriate discussions about it in the years since. Teacher has an 'ask me anything and I'll give you an honest answer' policy so it's been very educational.

DD has since enquired as to whether DH and I have an interest in the same sex. We have a lot of gay and bi friends, and a number of her classmates have two mummies or two daddies so loads of examples we could give of different relationships. She's pretty cool with whatever people are.

Elsiebear90 · 18/05/2020 17:20

Why do people keep making this about sex? Bisexuality is not some fetish that needs to be hidden from children, the fact that a lot of you only think about sex when bisexuality is mentioned and think it needs to be hidden from children is showing your prejudice.

Your children know you’re attracted to men because you have a male partner. So it’s okay for your kids to know you’re into men, and it’s okay for his kids to know he’s into women, but he’s got to keep his attraction to men secret because they shouldn’t know about that? Sounds awfully homophobic to me. And before anyone says “I didn’t tell them I was straight” your kids know you’re in a relationship with a man, and the vast vast majority of the population is heterosexual so why would you need to tell them, when it’s already assumed you are?

If there was a bisexual person in my family who was married to the opposite sex I would have loved to have known, because it would have stopped me from feeling so abnormal, isolated and alone and I probably would have come out as gay about 10 years earlier too and saved myself a lot stress to put it mildly.