When to tell DC that Daddy is bisexual?

[Caracashiak]

I've always known DH is bisexual and it's not an issue for me. We're monogamous and committed for life. (Probably not something I need to point out here, but I'm always flabbergasted at the people who think that if you have a bisexual husband, you must have an open relationship 🙄)

I don't want it to be a secret from DC but I just can't seem to work out how to bring it up? DC are 3 and 1 and it's not like we discuss our sexual preferences or past relationships with them! The 3 year old knows that people can have 2 mummies or 2 daddies but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I also worry about them telling kids at school and getting teased for it (does this still happen?) Or them feeling worried that Daddy is about to go off with a man! I know that kids aren't very logical about it and I can understand how they might think it's a threat to their family unit.

What I also don't want is for it to be some kind of big reveal when they're teenagers or something and for it to feel like some family secret that is traumatic to have revealed to them. It's not a secret, all of our family and friends know about it and are fine with it (bar the religious great-grandparents who have been kept in the dark mostly for their own sakes!).

Help?

I just don’t know when it would come up. Surely children just know their parents are attracted to each other and think no further?

I think it's great to tell them. Tbh I'd say it now. Anyone can love anyone and before we were together your daddy had boyfriends.
It should just be a natural part of conversation.
Lot of homophobia on this thread.
Why hide who you are from the people you love the most.

You tell them when:

They see pics of him and previous boyfriends (if you have any)
You are talking about people being straight, gay or bi, and say 'Dadddy is bisexual and went out with Alan, John and Debbie before he met me. More conversation etc.

Job done.

Honestly, your kids will probably never want to know anything about you or your dh sex life or previous relationships, now or in the past. I don't remember ever discussing anything like this with my parents, or ever having a desire to know.

As a child i enjoyed hearing stories of how my mum and dad met and intertwined in these stories were mentions of other ex boyfriends/girlfriends. I also know which celebrities my parents fancied as teenagers (and to be fair still fancy, my dad loves kylie and it's not for the music)
Both these ways are opportunities to share parts of your history with your children.
At 3 and 1 I wouldn't worry about it yet.

The natural moment will arise if you’re alert for it. Sadly sometimes prompted by vile comments in primary school playgrounds, but ideally by something more innocent like a childish question about “do all men get married to ladies when they grow up?” We answered that with a basic run through the definitions of sexualities and followed up with “like your favourite uncle Peter, he only ever fell in love with men and now he’s very happy living with Dave isn’t he?” You could follow up with the equivalent explanation for your DH. But if the right moment simply doesn’t arise until they’re in their teens and you’re having more serious conversations about sexual politics and PHSE, then that’s not the end of the world.

I’m a gay female single parent saying sexuality is irrelevant would mean my daughter wouldn’t know I was gay! I’d just tell them it casually, like @frogsbreath says, by speaking about past relationships.

There used to be a male / female couple came to a lgbt parents group I went to both were bi but lots of people couldn’t understand why they came to the group.

For people that keep using the phrase "sexual preference" - wobble your heads lol. I'm bi.

The first person I dated was a girl. When my DD was 7, she asked what my first boyfriends name was, so I told her that I didn't have a boyfriend until I met her Dad (my DH) because I had a girlfriend.

I think it's weird to not mention it in any context. That means you can't ever pass any comment regarding your past relationships . Kids learn from you. How can you give good advice if your aren't open and honest?

Sexual orientation has nothing to do with sex life. Or do you think telling someone you’re straight is banging on about your sex life?

You do realise there are plenty of gay and bisexual people who are still virgins, right? Your sexual orientation doesn’t magically appear like a bloody Hogwarts letter the minute you lose your virginity.

It’s inappropriate to tell your children ANYTHING about your sex life. You just don’t discuss your sexuality with your children.

Surely everyone “hides their sexuality from their kids”.

Presumably you’ve both hidden the fact you are straight, and kept any hetero marriages or relationships, a secret from your children. Otherwise you’re massive hypocrites.

Thanks again for all the sensible responses. I'm really surprised at lots of the posters here too on the LGBT parents board.

I'll probably duck out in a minute but I just wanted to say that bisexuality isn't just about sex. Lots of people here acting as if I'm thinking about telling the children about some kind of deviant fetish

DH has been in love with men, I don't think thats a shameful secret to hide away. It's an important part of his life story and he'd tell you that the sex is only a part of those relationships, not the whole, just as it is in hetero relationships.

It's really quite sweet that you're thinking about this when they are so young and hang onto everything you say and do.

When they are ready for this conversation (say early teens) they won't care what you do or who with. They will love you to death but not want to be in the same room as you let alone know your sexual preferences.

Kids just aren't that interested in parents. Ever.

You're overthinking it.

The first person I dated was a girl. When my DD was 7, she asked what my first boyfriends name was, so I told her that I didn't have a boyfriend until I met her Dad (my DH) because I had a girlfriend.

And that be the right time! Your daughter or son asks a question and you give the very normal abs factual answer. Life carries on.

God the responses on here are sooooo awful!! Im really shocked. Well, some responses are good. Of course they’ll end up knowing. Just like I know that my mum was married before and that my dad had girlfriends before he met mum. It just comes up in conversation occasionally when they talk about the past. I don’t suddenly freak out because they had a life before each other. Or faint at the thought of them having sex. So surely it’s just the same as that? One day, I’m sure, my kids will know that I had boyfriends before I met their dad.

Or do you think telling someone you’re straight is banging on about your sex life?

I think planning on telling your children that you’re straight is weird, which is what the thread is about.

If it arose like a PP as in “my first girlfriend was called Jane” then that’s normal and a natural conversation.

You got the answers you did because of how your question was worded.

As others have said, you tell them when the opportunity organically presents itself - when they ask questions, or the subject naturally comes up. At that point it becomes relevant to them.

Op have you been around many teens lately? Believe me they won’t bat an eyelid but will be grossed out by any reference to their own parents and sex. Half of dds 13. / 14 year old friends are “pan”. Being straight is seen as dull.

LGBT people are not dirty or inappropriate to mention to kids

This.

I've never outright announced to the children that I am bisexual. DSD is aware and DS will come to notice through future conversations about life and the world around us. There has never been any "coming out", since its an integral part of my personality, and treated casually in our household.

My DS (age 5) has asked about men and women getting married and I've responded that they do and sometimes men marry men, women marry women and sometimes people don't marry at all. This stuff comes up when they ask questions. And despite all the people on here (with their bizarrely uncurious children) insisting that your children won't want to know, they will ask questions.

My DSD asked about things when she got curious and received casual, age-appropriate, informative answers. By the time she was 10 we had a private joke that given the choice between her Dad and Emma Watson, I'd pick...

@secretredhead

It's those in jokes that make it a natural part of life. Knowing your dad might like Tom Hardy instead of Jennifer Lawrence.

Regarding curiosity, that's what made me think. If they see my book collection - a large LGBT section and I believe questions may arise from there.

I think planning on telling your children that you’re straight is weird, which is what the thread is about.

It's literally the opposite - it's about how the op's children will learn their dad is bisexual. It's in the title.

It's literally the opposite - it's about how the op's children will learn their dad is bisexual. It's in the title.

Well you very clearly took that out of context. :)

Weird answers on here - saying someone is bisexual isn't talking about their sex life. It's less discussing sex life than if you were to say you were 'trying for a baby' - which I'm sure wouldn't shock all these posters!

I agree with an earlier poster who said the time to tell them will be dictated by them being able to cope with the concept of different relationships, of theoretically being able to like someone else. It can be a big jump after the years of seeing mummy and daddy as a single unit. And yes, I do think that is likely to come up naturally - previous relationships, joking about an attractive celebrity, etc.