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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

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When to tell DC that Daddy is bisexual?

265 replies

Caracashiak · 17/05/2020 21:11

I've always known DH is bisexual and it's not an issue for me. We're monogamous and committed for life. (Probably not something I need to point out here, but I'm always flabbergasted at the people who think that if you have a bisexual husband, you must have an open relationship 🙄)

I don't want it to be a secret from DC but I just can't seem to work out how to bring it up? DC are 3 and 1 and it's not like we discuss our sexual preferences or past relationships with them! The 3 year old knows that people can have 2 mummies or 2 daddies but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I also worry about them telling kids at school and getting teased for it (does this still happen?) Or them feeling worried that Daddy is about to go off with a man! I know that kids aren't very logical about it and I can understand how they might think it's a threat to their family unit.

What I also don't want is for it to be some kind of big reveal when they're teenagers or something and for it to feel like some family secret that is traumatic to have revealed to them. It's not a secret, all of our family and friends know about it and are fine with it (bar the religious great-grandparents who have been kept in the dark mostly for their own sakes!).

Help?

OP posts:
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BiscuitLover09876 · 20/06/2021 20:47

Also please don't worry about the idiotic posters. Being bisexual is completely natural.

boreduser · 22/10/2021 12:54

I know this is an old thread but honestly I'm shocked at the consensus that this is inappropriate or irrelevant to disclose. To the people who say "they don't need to know" or "you wouldn't tell them about your sex life" - a) should he be in the closet forever then? You're insinuating there's something to be ashamed of and b) sexuality is in no way the same as kink or sexual activity.

I'm bi and in a happy long-term, monogamous, straight-appearing relationship, but it's still a huge part of who I am.

If you're still wondering about this please try to bring it up in as natural a way as you can - because it is just another part of life. We all knew from those ages that our mums fancied Robbie Williams or Tom Cruise or whoever and it was never "inappropriate". My dad told funny anecdotes about his previous girlfriends and it was never "threatening the family unit".

Bullying is another matter but raising your children to be kept from the idea that different sexualities are okay, but always reserved "for someone else" might be part of the overall problem. But I don't know your environment and wouldn't suggest what situations you put your kids in just to fight the good fight - that's something only you can weigh up.

logsonlogsoff · 25/10/2021 11:24

Biphobia in action! Don’t know if you’re around still, OP, but I would wait until they’re older. The opportunity will present itself naturally, maybe around A Pride event at their school, or when LGBT + friends visit etc
Don’t over think it.

Ladyday95 · 07/11/2021 02:06

How odd. Why would they need to know this? What do you expect them to do with this information?

PinkSyCo · 07/11/2021 02:28

I really don’t get what your DH’s sex life has to do with your DC? I’ve never felt the need to discuss my previous lovers with my grown up kids because it’s none of their business and would probably gross them out.

lemon789 · 17/12/2021 15:18

I can't believe these comments! I came here since I'm bisexual and have always thought this and now have a daughter - I know exactly what you mean! I've always thought I might just casually mention it as if it's nothing a few times so that she doesn't think of it as a big deal but I'm not sure how.. If my daughter ever questions her sexuality I would hate for her to not be able to talk to me about it, and keeping my identity from her would certainly be building that barrier!

LondonDadToBe · 16/03/2022 14:54

I know this is an old thread, but there's lots of reasons it would be good for your kids to know this.

First, it is equality in action - sexuality is about much more than sexual attraction. Pretending bisexuality (or homosexuality or heterosexuality or pansexuality etc) are just things that matter in the bedroom is nonsense. It denies people's lived experiences, and it denies the ways in which who we are attracted to shapes how we live our lives. Your kids deserve to know that sexuality is not some secret to be kept in the bedroom - either because they themselves might end up with a non-straight sexuality, or because they will be adults in the world and them understanding realities around sexuality would be good.

Second, there are plenty situations where your DH's bisexuality might be expressed in ways that the kids will be aware of. It might be if you're watching TV and you might comment on someone being quite attractive, or perhaps there will be a time your kids ask you about your first kiss or first BF etc. Or if your DH has experience of coming out, or experiencing biphobia or hate crimes etc, these may be things he sometimes just mentions in casual conversation (after all, almost all of us sometimes talk about events that have shaped our lives, and for many LGBT+ people, coming out or experiencing discrimination are part of that). It would be wrong to deprive your DCs of a relationship with their father where they are not allowed to fully know who he is and what his path in life has been.

And third, and sorry to get grim, but even though you are committed for life, if your marriage ever ended or (sorry to be morbid) you passed away and your DH went on to form a new relationship - how awful would it be if the first time your kids found out about DH being bi was if he went on to form a relationship (or just go on dates) with another man. How shut out of your real lives might they feel knowing that you and he knew this but kept it from them.

Drop it in early and in a low key way, before your kids learn to attach undue weight to disclosures about sexuality. At some point, maybe when they're five or six, I would contrive to have a bit of a jokey conversation about mummy's past boyfriends, and Daddy's past girlfriends and boyfriends. Don't do it as some major disclosure - just drop it into convo as the most normal thing in the world. They'll probably pick up on it and ask some questions. That's your opportunity to say that some people like men and women, and so before daddy met mummy, he had boyfriends as well as girlfriends.

At that age they won't care much, and then they'll continue to grow up with that knowledge as something that was just always part of their knowledge - no big bang disclosures that might cause them to feel they've been lied to or that they never really knew their dad.

jellyfish90 · 19/03/2022 21:40

If your husband is comfortable with it then bring it up whenever you want naturally, though, I don't think it's entirely necessary for your children to know. Just don't make it a bit deal.

Honestlyeyeroll · 28/05/2022 07:38

My husband and I are both bi but never mentioned it to our kids as it seemed irrelevant.

then one of kids told us they were gay and said they’d been worried for years in case we were upset. They’d assumed we were both straight.

we never purposely hid it but both wish we’d been more open somehow. Obviously we’ve been vocal in support of LGBT stuff but our child was still inhibited by the heteronormativity of their world.

Oystercatchers · 29/05/2022 23:48

And third, and sorry to get grim, but even though you are committed for life, if your marriage ever ended or (sorry to be morbid) you passed away and your DH went on to form a new relationship - how awful would it be if the first time your kids found out about DH being bi was if he went on to form a relationship (or just go on dates) with another man.

Did you really mean to say it would be 'awful' for children to see a man forming a relationship with a man, after having had one with a woman?

Why on earth do you think this would be 'awful'?

TeaKlaxon · 30/05/2022 09:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 09:38

You’re overthinking this. You don’t ‘tell’ your children - they will get to know their father over time, and when they’re older teenagers they will probably realise through their own and questions and conversations with their father.

Notanotherwindow · 30/05/2022 09:45

He isn't in the closet though is he? If they ask, he'll tell them, if they don't, it's not really necessary. Just because it's a fact doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to tell them. Unless you're in a relationship with someone, you don't really tend to know their orientation.

The size of his penis is a fact but you don't feel the need to sit them down and tell them how many inches. It's not relevant to them.

HappydaysArehere · 30/05/2022 10:21

Can’t see it’s anyone’s business other than the two of you. You wouldn’t discuss your dh’s previous girl friends with your children so why put that on your children.

bundle80 · 06/06/2022 22:27

Totally shocked by the responses, who can’t understand why a parent would share their sexuality with their children!

I’m a bi mum, married to my daughters dad but they know I’m bi. They are 6 and 10 and it’s just never been something I’ve hidden.

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