When to tell DC that Daddy is bisexual?

[Caracashiak]

I've always known DH is bisexual and it's not an issue for me. We're monogamous and committed for life. (Probably not something I need to point out here, but I'm always flabbergasted at the people who think that if you have a bisexual husband, you must have an open relationship 🙄)

I don't want it to be a secret from DC but I just can't seem to work out how to bring it up? DC are 3 and 1 and it's not like we discuss our sexual preferences or past relationships with them! The 3 year old knows that people can have 2 mummies or 2 daddies but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I also worry about them telling kids at school and getting teased for it (does this still happen?) Or them feeling worried that Daddy is about to go off with a man! I know that kids aren't very logical about it and I can understand how they might think it's a threat to their family unit.

What I also don't want is for it to be some kind of big reveal when they're teenagers or something and for it to feel like some family secret that is traumatic to have revealed to them. It's not a secret, all of our family and friends know about it and are fine with it (bar the religious great-grandparents who have been kept in the dark mostly for their own sakes!).

Help?

Most people don't talk to their children about "who they're attracted to" or about sexual history (which I assume you're alluding to). How fucking weird. so if your teenage daughter was worried about being/ not being a virgin at say 16 and she asked you how old you were, you wouldnt answer her at all? If ops son said he felt confused because he liked girls and boys and he didn't know anyone who was a freak like him, it wouldn't be appropriate for his Dad to be honest? If your daughter wanted to break up with her bf but felt guilty because they'd had sex, it wouldn't be appropriate to use your own story minus the specific graphics? It isn't about sitting your 1r yo and telling her what position you had Daddy in last night is it, its about making sex something they can talk about without it being dirty and wrong and sordid.

Nice try. But I’m not bi-phobic. I don’t see how hyperbole helps the discussion, that’s all.
I’m not the one who decided to use the phrase “stomping their feet” to describe gay people objecting to being told they need to keep their “preference” a secret and being told that they are attention-seeking fetishists.

Most people don't talk to their children about sexual history
I disagree. Most children/teenagers have an interest in what their parents did before they had children, and certainly most teenagers are interested in how their parents met. It’s very weird to say, don’t tell your children how you met their father (a story that may well touch on one or both having a previous partner) because that’s “shoving your sex life down their throat.” Both my parents were engaged to other people before they met and I grew up knowing and seeing photos of when my mum lived abroad with the man she was engaged to when she was 19.

Really, have none of you ever discussed your pre-children life or your own teenage years with your teenage/adult children? How very sad.

I don't think you need to think about it right now. Maybe think about it again when they are about 10 and are becoming more aware of ideas about sexual orientation. I would definitely avoid a big reveal though. It might just emerge naturally rather than being a big thing. Apologies I have not RTFT.

They are 3 and 1 call a family meeting.

Tell them, let them ask questions
Be prepared for lots of difficult questions

Good luck 🍪

First of all, this is not on you to tell your dc, it's on their father. Thinking back to conversations with my own dc when they were younger and showed an interest in my life as an adult before meeting my DH, Ive only talked about one prior relationship as I was engaged to the person and they saw some photos of us when I was with him. I've never discussed any other relationship because it just never came up. So I'd say that at some point when your dc are older, they may well ask about past relationships and that's the point where their DF can tell them about having boyfriends. But that point in time should be led by them, not you.

Most people don't talk to their children about "who they're attracted to" or about sexual history (which I assume you're alluding to). How fucking weird.

Not remotley alluding to sexual history but more 'oh yeah before I was with your dad and that one time I went to the zoo [or whatever] with my ex girlfriend" Do you never ever talk about your life before your current partner? Because that would be fucking weird

If you are monogamous what difference does it make.

I'd only every being up sexuality if they ask. When they start asking about relationships, sex etc then maybe.

Telling your 3 year old daddy likes men when it won't be something they will 'see' is weird.

A lot of this thread is really fucking depressing

I think the consensus is wait until they are older and it comes up in normal conversation. I don't see what's depressing about that.

You can try and spin it as some sort of homophobia but it really isn't

I’m not the one who decided to use the phrase “stomping their feet” to describe gay people objecting to being told they need to keep their “preference” a secret and being told that they are attention-seeking fetishists.

Again, nice try. But I didn’t actually say that all gay parents objecting to certain descriptions were stomping their feet.

More hyperbole. For what purpose?

I completely agree, “wait until they’re older and see if it comes up naturally” is the most sensible approach. I don’t see anyone calling that homophobic.

What’s homophobic is the endless parade of comments saying it’s sick and weird to let your children know anything about your “sex life”, that being gay/bi is all about sex and only sex (meaning children with straight parents can watch their parents kiss and go to bed in the same bedroom every night, but gay parents should, idk, pretend to their own children that they are just roommates or something??), that no parent ever tells their children that they’ve had previous relationships, that being gay/bi is a “sexual preference”, and comparing being gay/bi to a sexual fetish.

More hyperbole. For what purpose?

The purpose of objecting to being told that I and people like me are pervert fetishists whose romantic lives are entirely about sex, and that we must keep our lives a deadly secret from our children, just because I married another woman?

You were the one who started the hyperbole with your nasty “stomping feet” comment.

For what purpose?

Except once again nobody said that.

Why, oh why do people insist on over exaggerating and then get pissy when people stop taking them seriously?

It’s ridiculous!

No, what’s “ridiculous” is using hyperbole like “stamping feet” to describe gay/bi people complaining about posts that are homophobic.

You seem very keen to use rude and hyperbolic language in order to portray gay/bi people as being over-sensitive, and in order to dismiss and downplay homophobia

Wait until they are teenagers and have understanding for these things

I slept around quite a bit in my youth. Do I need to declare this to my dc? Aibu to not disclose my previous sexual habits?
I am quite certain under no circumstances do my dc want to know about who I shagged. Male or female.

Similar family setup as OP. Similar commitments too.

I waited till my DD came out. Before that it wasn't an issue. We went to our first (for both of us) Pride together when she was 12 and I was in my 50s. Personally - if you feel your husband feels like he HAS to come out to your kids - I would wait till they hit puberty.

My DD's lesbianism was no surprise to me or her mum. My bisexuality was no surprise to my DD.

I don't think sexual orientation is 'habit' but okay

I would personally rather chew off my own tits than know any detail about my father's sexuality. Or my mother's.

Ignore the homophobes. Being queer is part of who he is so he’s, it is relevant. Personally I would
Wait until teens unless something came up that started the conversation more naturally - like a homophobic incident, or something about your own kids sexuality or worries about their sexuality.

As in they’re worried about something big to do with THEIR sexuality, didn t mean that you should be worried if they end up being gay or bi etc!

Straight people have wanted us to be quiet and shut up about being LGBT for EVER, like were showing off or ‘parading’ our sex lives - well, silencing people is creating a culture of fear and homophobia, leaving kids thinking that being gay is wrong or weird or worse than being straight.
So, duck that shite OP, be open with your kids and you have another few people who think, being queer is okay or no big deal because they personally know someone who is and he’s great cos he’s their dad.

I think it is complicated topic for parents and child. When I was in rehab at floridarehabexperts.com/, I met a doctor and he had a wonderful son who knew his dad was bisexual. The doctor explained that when his son was a child, they talked a lot about it. I think the main thing is to surround the child with love and attention. The child will not care what sexual orientation of her father.

When and if they ever ask you about it.

I agree with the others. You're overthinking it. It's not a big deal. Wait until they're older and it comes up and you're discussing it. He can say then. Or when you're joking about attractive people on TV, something like that.