When to tell DC that Daddy is bisexual?

[Caracashiak]

I've always known DH is bisexual and it's not an issue for me. We're monogamous and committed for life. (Probably not something I need to point out here, but I'm always flabbergasted at the people who think that if you have a bisexual husband, you must have an open relationship 🙄)

I don't want it to be a secret from DC but I just can't seem to work out how to bring it up? DC are 3 and 1 and it's not like we discuss our sexual preferences or past relationships with them! The 3 year old knows that people can have 2 mummies or 2 daddies but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I also worry about them telling kids at school and getting teased for it (does this still happen?) Or them feeling worried that Daddy is about to go off with a man! I know that kids aren't very logical about it and I can understand how they might think it's a threat to their family unit.

What I also don't want is for it to be some kind of big reveal when they're teenagers or something and for it to feel like some family secret that is traumatic to have revealed to them. It's not a secret, all of our family and friends know about it and are fine with it (bar the religious great-grandparents who have been kept in the dark mostly for their own sakes!).

Help?

People using “did your parents ever talk about this” as a reason not to do it remember it would have been impossible for their parents to talk about some LGBT marriages as they were illegal until recently... right?
Are we suddenly only allowed to do the things our parents did with us? I thought we were supposed to be better. Including talking about all sexualities as they are normal and accepted, and not forcing a man to erase part of himself just because you think saying “I’m bi” is like admitting to a foot fetish.
I agree with a PP that saying “I’m straight” to our children at some point should be a conversation worth having. My kids are 5 and 9 and I’ve definitely mentioned same sex relationships to them in casual conversation plenty of times already, just want to make sure they are accepting and kind. Which almost none of the fuckers on this thread have been so excuse me if I don’t do whatever your parents did, because it clearly didn’t work out so well.

It's NOT ABOUT SEX LIFE OH MY GOD. Stop saying that, stop thinking that!!!! It's about loving other people, it's about letting your kids know you had a life before they arrived. I would have LOVED to know my parents were capable of loving multiple genders because it would have made me feel normal. Kids take their thoughts and influence from their parents, of course OP's husband should tell them he's bisexual because it's who he is and it may really help their child understand and not be afraid of their own sexuality. Their kids may go on to be super understanding in their social circles and offer a place of refuge for LGBT kids because for OP's children it'll be the norm.

The ignorance on this thread is terrifying, I'm genuinely appalled at people thinking this is the same as telling your kids what position they like in bed. You're disgusting and homophobic.

I know lots of people in monogamous relationships who quite openly appreciate the look of x or y celebrity. It's not a sordid conversation to have with a teenager that you think x or y is handsome or beautiful. I completely get that OPs husband might want to be honest and dis/agree with his children over their crushes etc. and not feel weird in discussing it.

Well I’m bisexual. I told my DCs as teens when we were talking about sexuality and LGBT issues. I didn’t see a need to formally “come out” to them as younger children. It was a natural part of the conversation when we were talking about them, their sexuality, how society has treated/viewed LGBT people.
You can wait until then. You will be having these conversations with your DCs and at that time is when they understand what it means.

Children really don't need to know about the other people their parents would like to fuck if they weren't in a monogamous relationship with their other parent. Truly.

I honestly don’t think your kids want you to talk about who you have sex with @foreversville. I know it seems awfully liberating and I’m sure your want to ‘educate’ them comes from a good place, but kids don’t want to discuss this stuff with mum.

They want to talk about sex with their mates or online. What they want from their parents is acceptance and non judgmental love. If they come up you as teenagers and ask for advice about their sexuality then that might be the time to discuss it. But otherwise just make it clear that whatever makes them happy, makes you happy. That’s all they want to know.

justanotherneighinparadise exactly true. However you will be shouted down by the very special (self obsessed) posters on here who seem convinced their kids will be oh so interested in how very different they are.

I've never kept that I am Bi from my children BUT it only ever got mentioned when my then 13 yr old dd was thinking about her sexuality and I said if she was bi it was know big deal because I am. No further questions or details needed.

Don't make a big deal of it, as it's not.

As a teacher of teenagers please please please talk to your kids about sex before their mates do or they watch porn. Jesus Christ are we really saying kids should learn about sex from other kids... just because suddenly parents are too squeamish and puritanical to parent their children properly!

That’s similar to me sonic. Not a secret, but too waiting until teen years for sexuality discussions didn’t make it a “big reveal” causing “trauma” either. It was very matter of fact, not a big deal and the DCs were all fine.

Talking about sex and educating your children about it is very different to talking about yourself having sex which frankly most kids will find an utterly repellent thought. Collected dd and a friend after their sex Ed aged 9 the friend was so adamant her parents would never and had never done that. Was very funny.

“please talk to your kids about sex before their mates do or they watch porn.”

Well, yes, I did do that too from a younger age. But to have talks about sex is different to having a talk about your own sexuality and sex life. One is very general and other is very personal.

My DD is 20. It came out in conversation about 18 months ago that I'm bi. I certainly didn't sit her down and tell her. So in answer to your question, in about 15 if it happens to come up in conversation in my experience.

Some of these replies are awful. It's not a question of telling the kids who you have slept with, it's a question of being honest about sexual orientation. Many people assume straight unless corrected so not mentioning anything would understandably feel like lying by omission. I've never had to tell my kids I'm straight, they just assume and I don't need to correct them. But if I wasn't, I would correct them when it came up in an age appropriate manner.

OP in your shoes I would introduce it when it comes up. Reading books or watching cartoons about same sex relationships and drop it into conversation. No big deal.

Agree with previous posters that I think there will be a natural point when it comes up, when they ask about boyfriends, girlfriends etc. I do think it's different from giving them details of your sex life It might even help them if they are wondering if they are bi, gay etc. they could talk to their dad about it.

Those saying they've never told their children they're straight - it's not the same. The whole world tends to assumes you're straight (especially if you're in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex) unless told otherwise so there's usually no need to tell anyone.

Oh FFS

It's. It about being puritanical. It's about letting them lead the conversation.

I'd definitely find it really odd if my parents were bi and had just never told me. Like there was a big part of their identity I just didn't know about. I found it weird that my parents were both married before and just never told me, it felt like a really weird secret when I accidentally found the wedding photos as a teenager and I didn't understand why they'd never said anything.
It's about love, not sex. Plus my parents always told me about celebrities they found attractive! There's a huge difference between this and talking about your sex life.

You don’t need to tell them. You can be open about the fact that in general it’s ok to love people of either sex.
I think telling them this would only confuse and make them insecure. If at some pro it they are teenagers and talk about previous partners you could mention it.

I’m sorry for the amount of ridiculous replies you’ve gotten to this, OP. Especially since you posted it in LGBT families. I agree with the sensible posters that said it is probably something that will come up organically. It seems like you’re already having convos about relationships and how there are different types of relationships/ families out there and the kids will ask their own questions in time.

Sad that so many posters seem to think that if you’re bisexual and in a relationship with the opposite sex it no longer matters. That’s very hurtful and invalidating considering how bisexual identities are constantly erased. Sexuality isn’t just about who you have sex with. People getting their knickers in a twist about “talking to kids about sexual preferences” are clearly showing that they do view bisexual people as deviant/ sex mad or something. Sad.

Good luck OP, lovely to think about your kids growing up in an inclusive family

I am really surprised but the majority of replies on here.
I think that the time to tell will come up as they get towards teens and can be dealt with very simply by casually saying your husband is attracted to more than 1 gender.
Saying he is bi is not the same as talking about what you like in bed at all!! It's certainly nothing to be a shamed off either.
Do people really not know if they're parents had other partners before they got together ?!
He doesn't even have to have had boyfriends to know he is bi, just that he is attracted to more than women. After all there are always straight virgins, gay virgins, bi virgins etc It's not validated just because you have had sex.
So many people seem to want to erase bi people and label them hetero if in opposite gender relationships or gay if same gender. You don't stop being bi because you are in a monogamous relationship.
You could always go to local pride events so that the dc see other families made up of a variety of combinations as completely normal.

Why would you want to tell them? Bizarre.

I don’t think children need to know who their parents are sexually attracted to.

FFS saying “I’m bi” is not detailing previous sexual encounters or talking about specifics in your sex life. There’s no sexually explicit material in those words and no parent would be telling their child too much detail by just saying “I’m bi”.
Where do people’s minds go when they hear those words for goodness sake, what is wrong with you. This board is certainly no place for you and your bigotry.