When to tell DC that Daddy is bisexual?

[Caracashiak]

I've always known DH is bisexual and it's not an issue for me. We're monogamous and committed for life. (Probably not something I need to point out here, but I'm always flabbergasted at the people who think that if you have a bisexual husband, you must have an open relationship 🙄)

I don't want it to be a secret from DC but I just can't seem to work out how to bring it up? DC are 3 and 1 and it's not like we discuss our sexual preferences or past relationships with them! The 3 year old knows that people can have 2 mummies or 2 daddies but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I also worry about them telling kids at school and getting teased for it (does this still happen?) Or them feeling worried that Daddy is about to go off with a man! I know that kids aren't very logical about it and I can understand how they might think it's a threat to their family unit.

What I also don't want is for it to be some kind of big reveal when they're teenagers or something and for it to feel like some family secret that is traumatic to have revealed to them. It's not a secret, all of our family and friends know about it and are fine with it (bar the religious great-grandparents who have been kept in the dark mostly for their own sakes!).

Help?

Just always use the message that people can love who they want as long as they are happy. If they ask later on tell them then. My DD was about 10 when she was asking about lesbians so told her about bisexuals and homosexuality too as a all round convo. Havent told her that I've had girlfriends as well just beacuse it's not really relevant. I've been with her dad for 12 years so no need to confuse her.

I would say just when it comes up on a very matter of fact way.

I don't know if I'd use the word bisexual but I certainly experimented in my uni days and had flings with both sexes. My first serious partner is my current partner and we have a child together. It honestly never occurred to me to tell my child about previous relationships ( hes currently only 4 months).
With my DSS (8) we have discussed that you can marry either a boy or girl and it's his choice who he wants to marry when he grows up. I would recommend a day in the life of Marlon bundo ( link bellow) which we found normalises homosexual relationships ( marriage) in a child friendly way. Once you normalise homosexuality you could say something about some people love boys or girls or both ( like daddy). If you chooses to tell them keep it light and dont go into much or any detail unless they ask.
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=<a class="break-all" href="https://www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Last-Week-Tonight-Oliver-presents/dp/145217380X&ved=2ahUKEwiy7P-N4LvpAhVHURUIHSkmBZIQFjAUegQIDxAB&usg=AOvVaw32V3Jz4rddQi1TMJ6YO8hR?tag=mumsnetforu03-21"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Last-Week-Tonight-Oliver-presents/dp/145217380X&ved=2ahUKEwiy7P-N4LvpAhVHURUIHSkmBZIQFjAUegQIDxAB&usg=AOvVaw32V3Jz4rddQi1TMJ6YO8hR?tag=mumsnetforu03-21" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Last-Week-Tonight-Oliver-presents/dp/145217380X&ved=2ahUKEwiy7P-N4LvpAhVHURUIHSkmBZIQFjAUegQIDxAB&usg=AOvVaw32V3Jz4rddQi1TMJ6YO8hR]]

I don't discuss my sex life with their Father with my DC.

And TBH they would not want to know

Why on Earth do you need to discuss this??? TMI for your DC

Everyone’s replies are useless. I would just mention it as conversations about sexuality emerge in the future. Conversations about gay people will come up where you can mention “oh it’s not a big deal, your dad had boyfriends before he met me”.

We don’t tell people we’re straight because that’s the ‘default’ so saying “oh! I wouldn’t say I was straight” is disingenuous bullshit.

OP. You’ll know when the time is right. Your children are so young but when they’re older they’ll ask questions about life and love and people and I expect you’ll answer with age appropriate openness. It’s abstract now, but you’ll get there.

@fairynick just said it much better!

There's absolutely no need to tell them. Why would you even want to?

Thank you for the genuine and useful replies. In case it wasn't clear I'm obviously not thinking of telling them now (!) but just wondering when is appropriate. I don't have any experience of this! For us it's just a fact of life and it's not a secret. Following their lead and answering their questions when it comes up sounds like the best way.

For those suggesting I tell them "when" my husband goes off with a man, please know that that is extremely biphobic and hurtful.

Surely this is one if these things that just comes up in conversation at some point.

No kids need to know who their parents slept with. Or really anything about their offense sex lives.

Children who have gas parents will know because its 2 men or women in a relationship. I cant work out why the kids would need to know.

I dont think it should be hidden, but as long as you bring them up to know its OK to love whoever you want, its not going to be a huge deal.

Don’t tell them. Ever. Why do they need to know? What are they going to do with that information? If they find out by themselves later then fine, but don’t stuff their heads with their dad’s sexual orientation.

Erm, all these people saying “no one needs to know a parents’ sexual preferences” presumably know that their heterosexual parents are in a relationship? Perhaps even got married? Perhaps even (shock horror) conceived a child through heterosexual sex?

I’m surprised at the majority of the comments here. I would have thought it was a part of your husband that he doesn’t feel the need to hide and so of course you want to think about how to share it with your children.
I’m straight so I don’t know if I’m speaking out of turn here, but this entire thread reads like the erasure of bi identity/culture that I’ve read about. Being in a male-female relationship doesn’t stop someone from being bi, the relationship doesn’t turn them hereto...!
I think it’s ok to just talk about it as and when it comes up, not feel he has to hide it e.g. whisper about past boyfriends if kids are around.
Kids are fucking horrible when together in schools, especially teenage boys, they do say shit to each other they’d be mortified for their parents to know about and I know because I’ve rang really nice parents and quoted word for word what their sons have said and they’ve been horrified. At some point you will need to prepare your children for that, make sure they’re the special kind of kids who have strength and dignity. But your husband should never feel bad for that, if it wasn’t ‘having a bi dad’ it would be ‘having a disabled sister’ ‘having a mum with big boobs’ ‘can’t bench for shit’ ‘chickened out of a fight once 3 years ago’ or just literally ‘having a female relative’ that they are awful to each other about.

Why on Earth do you need to discuss this??? TMI for your DC

^
This with bells on

Erm, all these people saying “no one needs to know a parents’ sexual preferences” presumably know that their heterosexual parents are in a relationship? Perhaps even got married? Perhaps even (shock horror) conceived a child through heterosexual sex?

But do they know about other people their parents have sex with. And what parents discuss their sequel preference with their kids.

Kids of gay parents know their parents are gay. They don't need to know the details of their preferences.

It shouldn't be hidden but there doesn't need to be a big reveal either

For those suggesting I tell them "when" my husband goes off with a man, please know that that is extremely biphobic and hurtful.

Biphobic? In what way? You asked when to tell them, that is when I would tell them. When he was dating men (actually when he was ready to introduce a Male partner to them) Otherwise it wouldn’t be relevant to them. How is that biphobic?

Hurtful? Well no one likes to think of their relationship breaking down but it happens. That isn’t my fault.

Perhaps even (shock horror) conceived a child through heterosexual sex?

Well, I'm an only child so it was obvious to me that my parents only had sex once. Finding out that they had had an enjoyable sex life, or that my DM had previous relationships was so horrific I have blotted out the memory with brain bleach.

DH's parents had 3 children so clearly had sex 3 times. However DH and his siblings carefully observed them throughout their childhoods and discussed this issue, and seeing no sign that their parents liked each other - apparently in his whole childhood he saw them kiss once - the three of them came to the conclusion they were adopted.

So no, even those with hetero parents do not wish to know anything about their parents' sex lives.

Why is this a big deal? People rarely discuss their sexual preferences with their children.

I am bisexual. I happened to fall in love with man. We married and had children. I have no intention of announcing it. If it comes up in conversation at some point in their late teens or older then I might mention it in passing.

Tbh the fact that I am bi has little influence on my life today. How come your husband's sexuality is front and centre for you?

Society seems to cope with the idea of bisexual women but assumes that bi men are closet gays. Is that your worry for how it would be seen and why there must be a plan for telling the children?

Children should be involved in their parents’ sexuality strictly on a need to know basis. They simply don’t need to know as it is not relevant to their lives at all.