When to tell DC that Daddy is bisexual?

[Caracashiak]

I've always known DH is bisexual and it's not an issue for me. We're monogamous and committed for life. (Probably not something I need to point out here, but I'm always flabbergasted at the people who think that if you have a bisexual husband, you must have an open relationship 🙄)

I don't want it to be a secret from DC but I just can't seem to work out how to bring it up? DC are 3 and 1 and it's not like we discuss our sexual preferences or past relationships with them! The 3 year old knows that people can have 2 mummies or 2 daddies but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I also worry about them telling kids at school and getting teased for it (does this still happen?) Or them feeling worried that Daddy is about to go off with a man! I know that kids aren't very logical about it and I can understand how they might think it's a threat to their family unit.

What I also don't want is for it to be some kind of big reveal when they're teenagers or something and for it to feel like some family secret that is traumatic to have revealed to them. It's not a secret, all of our family and friends know about it and are fine with it (bar the religious great-grandparents who have been kept in the dark mostly for their own sakes!).

Help?

Honestly, I'm a bi woman and all the messages comparing this to talking to children about swinging or fetishes or whatever make me sick. OP's husband's bisexuality is not a fetish or a kink; LGBT people are not dirty or inappropriate to mention to kids. He shouldn't have to hide his sexuality from his kids, Like previous posters have said, he could mention that he has had boyfriends before, or that he could have fallen in love with a man or a woman.

Hi .... actually have some relevant (ish) experience here. Our friends dad is bi and this was back in the 90s... his parents just said “some people like women, some like men, some like both” and gave examples, and then three or four examples in would say “mum likes men, dad likes both, but now they only like each other!”. They made a joke about it really :) and this was mid 90s, balance between wanting their kids to grow up informed and to avoid any OTT detail. That’s how we were all told anyway

Bit young to tell them now maybe... we were maybe 13 when they mentioned it to us

I think that if you are monogamous why do you need to be public about it. I love milk chocolate but I choose not to eat it as I consider it not good for me. I don't tell my children the real reason I don't eat chocolate.

I know this is a bit more serious than chocolate but I am some times at a loss as to why we feel we need to tell our children, family and friends everything. I believe that there are some things we can keep to ourselves

I have older teens. My dd1 is 20. We sat and watched Normal People together. We are very open about things to do with sex and periods etc etc. I have never once felt the need to discuss my sex life, historical or not, with her

I am genuinely surprised that someone would be mulling this over to the point where they feel they have to start a thread on a public forum to canvass opinions on how to share this information with two toddlers. Are you sure you are ok with it OP? It seems quite the issue for you.

In answer to your query, it is likely to come out naturally. I was married to someone else before I was married to my children's Dad and I just mentioned it one day when talking about relationships in general. I had never to that moment agonised about how to tell them. They were about 11 and 13. They were surprised but not horrified. Probably finding it incomprehensible that their middle aged Mum in her joggers managed to find not just one but TWO men that wanted to marry her .

Why does it even matter if he is in a committed relationship with you? That’d be like me sitting my kids down at dinner to inform them that I’m sexually attracted to blonde haired men and dated a few before I met their father. It’s none of their business and they wouldn’t be the least bit interested. Why would they ever need / want to know?!

Agree about people thinking it’s somehow not relevant... the kids will (shock!) find out sometime. Gay and bi are just the same as straight...

It’s not sexual preference like a fetish is it though it’s sexuality and kids should know anyone can be bi, gay, straight... it’s just when you have the talk

Jesus you're getting the full MN treatment here tonight!

I think the suggestion of being honest when they're a bit older and discussing past relationships is a good idea, especially since they'll have been brought up knowing that people can love whoever they like, it shouldn't be a big thing.

I do get what you mean, being bisexual means you're bisexual, it doesn't mean just because he's married to the opposite sex he's now heterosexual. It's a big part of his identity and could mean having a really open and honest relationship with your kids.

I'm bisexual, not open to family but my husband is well aware. It's something I plan on telling my children if they ever understand sometime like that (they're both severely autistic)
I was planning on something like there being Mummies and Daddies, men, women, people who just want to be people and that we can love and be attracted to whoever we want. Then being honest that I have been attracted to females before I committed to DH.

Someone in my family lied to their kids for years completely unprompted telling them their Dad was the only person they'd ever 'been with' and fancied. It's caused massive distrust in the children as they got older because it was obviously a lie.

I don't understand why being bisexual is even relevant if you are married or in a long term het relationship?

And for all the people sneering going 'Ive never told my kids I'm straight!!!' Maybe you fucking should. Maybe you SHOULD have that discussion so that heterosexual isn't the 'norm' for your kids. It's not a big deal, but kids not knowing the words heterosexual, gay, bi etc from a young age is what keeps kids in the closet as they get older because being gay and bi has to have some form of 'coming out'

You're all disgusting for treating the OP like this and frankly you sound homophobic and shouldn't be on the LGBT parents boards if this is the opinions you're going to spout.

I'm a bit bemused/confused by your assertion @Caracashiak that your DH's sexuaility is a fact of your lives - and something you and he are completely comfortable with and then on the other hand the stress of how you "tell" your children? Surely it's either one thing - integrated part of life, comes up if/when you discuss previous relationships, views on sexuaility etc; or it's another thing - something that is not yet integrated and needs specifically addressed.

So which is it?

You have the right to keep things from your kids. They don't have to know everything about you, even if they do ask.

I can't believe some of the crazy replies on here?

As if telling your child you could equally like men or women is somehow equal to telling them you like doggy style sex?

I'm surprised because you've posted in the LGBT parents but some of the comments are so narrow-minded.

I'm bisexual, and I wondered the exact same thing the other day because I have LGBT books that are openly displayed. I wondered if DCs would ever question why and if I would tell them and how I would explain it.

It's not the same as being monosexual and your sexuality being clearly apparent from your current sexual relationship.

If your relationship breaks down and you get in another hetrosexual relationship, then it still might not be obvious.

As a parent it's something I'd like my child to know about me because as OP said it's a fact that shouldn't be hidden because there's nothing shameful about it.

It's a conversational fact I might like to discuss with my children in the wider context of relationships.

OP I was thinking when it comes up, address it age appropriately without too much information, more like an offhand comments. I'm not sure when children become aware of those gender dynamics.

If your’re both monogamous I truly don’t get why your children have to know? I like certain things in bed but I’m certainly not going to inform my kids about it because well, it’s got nothing to do with them has it?! My sex life is completely separate to them and it’s not something they have right to know about.
Now if he was in a relationship with a man that’s different as it would be part of their lives and would be relevant. But if he isn’t then I dont understand why you seem so keen to tell them everything.

LGBT people are not dirty or inappropriate to mention to kids
Nobody has said it’s dirty. Or that it’s inappropriate to mention LGBT. LGBT is not being singled out as something to be hidden. It’s inappropriate to tell your children ANYTHING about your sex life. That includes who you like to have sex with, how you like to do it, and anything else. You just don’t discuss your sexuality with your children.

I had a conversation with DS when he was Y5 when he began sex education at school which included us talking about different sexual orientations and the fact that you can’t help who you fall in love with.

I think your DH being bi is for your DH to disclose, and your DH only.

If you're in a monogamous relationship why on earth would you need to tell them?! Bizarre.

@itonya because it's a part of who you are and therefore still relevant.

You don't stop liking one gender because you're married to the other.

Honestly your kids will never want you to talk about either of you having sex with anyone.

Why do you think it matters.

Surely everyone “hides their sexuality from their kids”. Why would you not?! It’s inappropriate at worst and down right cringey at best irrelevant whether you straight gay or bi they won’t want to know believe me! Very self absorbed imo

As a bisexual I wouldn't want my kids to assume I'm straight because I'm not.

I'd also like to educate them on LGBT culture, if they were interested.