19-year-old came out as non-binary

[MitchmumR]

Hello - please excuse the double post, I didn't see there was a specific page for LGBTQ+ children. I've only just made an account, and am not the most tech-literate woman out there!

Anyway, my 19-year-old came out to me as non-binary a few days ago. I love them so much, and am delighted that they felt comfortable enough to tell me - obviously I want to support them as much as possible, I was just wondering if any other parents whose children have come out to them (or trans/non-binary people themselves!) had any good resources I can use to make sure I'm as supportive as possible. Thanks 🤗

No resources, but i'd just carry on as usual, they are obviously comfortable enough around you to come out.

Don't overthink things, but be as loving and supportive as you already are. Make sure they know that they can ask you anything.

Absolutely! So delighted they trusted me enough to tell me, obviously not going to stop being a proud mumma! 🤗

This happened to me recently. I found the Bayswater Support Group website had good resources. I made it clear I'm glad my child told me and I'm using the new pronouns they/them at home when I remember, but I'm not giving it too much attention. I suspect social contagion in my child's case. It came out of the blue.

I just looked them up, and they say they're for parents who reject their child's identities? They're probably not for me, I'm looking for resources to support my child 😊

Don't affirm it so much that they can't back out of the name change etc.

Fair enough. I am not planning to affirm my child's new pronouns as such, I'm paying lip service until it blows over.

What would be wrong with them changing their name? They said they were thinking about it, and wanted me to help them come up with new names 😊

Oh, why not? It feels like a nice way to be supportive - if they decide they're not later and aren't non-binary any more, then it won't be that difficult to go back to their pronouns from before 😊

Personally I'd be telling them that they can be male and like stereotypically female things as much as they like or they can be female and like stereotypically male things as they like - but no matter what they do they are still either male or female and there's no point pretending otherwise.

Non-binary is basically rejecting stereotypical views of your sex and a lot of people do that, there's no need to announce it or change your pronouns.

If they don't like their name and want to change that then that's their choice as an adult.

Agree to disagree, although that seems a little disrespectful!

Kai, variations of Finn, and Artemis seem to be popular names chosen by non-binary people. Artemis seems particularly common.

Why respect bad ideas?

I wouldn’t be using different pronouns, just have lots of convos about how can like anything as either sex, but you can’t opt out of your sex. So for better mental health it’s important to accept that basically.

Of course, gender is a spectrum - my child just happens to be in the middle 😊

My child feels happier and more comfortable using they/them pronouns, so I have no problem with it! They said they still wanted me to have a say in their name as their parent, which I thought was really sweet 🤗

They feel more comfortable with neutral pronouns, so I'm happy to use them. And they know their biological sex, this is about their gender

Why do you need resources? Surely you just talk to your child about what being NB means to them and what sort of support from you they’d like to see?

Like I said, agree to disagree! I haven't seen any reason it's a bad idea, it's just what they're happier with

We had a lengthy chat about it, and they said they don't need any material support or anything - they just wanted me to know. I'm just looking for resources for my own benefit, to understand non-binary identities better 😊

Out of interest OP, if they regard themselves as in the middle gender-wise, why don’t they take the obvious next step and reject the concept of gender entirely?

I don't understand your question? What would 'rejecting gender as a concept' mean?

I also just found this about the Bayswater Support Group - if this is how they treat their children then I certainly don't want to join them!

https://www.thebureauinvestigates.com/stories/2024-07-02/one-day-they-may-thank-us-for-that-abuse-inside-the-bayswater-support-group/

Wow this would make a great screenshot thread if you wanted to showcase the Approved Talking Points of the gender identity ideology (and how people that don't subscribe are just ill informed meanies and lesser people).

Uncannily pitch perfect, some might say.

OP, if you're not aware, MN is well-known for anti-trans and anti-gender hostility, and even has its own board dedicated to it (Google it if you don't believe me).

That is what it is, but probably not the best place to get balanced advice on the subject.

Good luck with it OP.

It means saying gender has no meaning to them, that gender is a concept that is based on societal expectations (eg enjoy flower arranging: female gender; enjoy motorsports: male gender), and they reject those expectations.