DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

I dont think i agree. By 6th form most women have started their period and manage them without incident. Or manage them through contraception. For a defibrillator you only need to expose some of the chest. Not all broken bones require a GA, and if they did that something the Drs do not the school.

I just think a menstruation accident, is unlikely. Additionally half the students are likely biologically female and I doubt the school has a what if someones period starts early and stains their clothes risk assessment plan. Most teachers would discreetly let the individual clean themselves us and maybe offer spare clothes from upcycle or something. I think a need for defibrillator is unlikely but again its only the opening of a shirt.

And a broken bone isnt potentially outtong. Its a thing the hospital would deal with.

Im not saying I think OPs child shouldn't be honest about being trans. Just that I dont think there isnt a medical reason the school needs to know

This is an independent school.

You’re paying the fees or having your personal financiers scrutinised for a bursary.

the application form asks for the child’s sex. What did you put?

this thread seems a bit attention seeking imo

I agree but that’s the issue- she is currently on the system as male and doesn’t want to let them know the truth.

That’s not true. Some drugs are given in different doses according to weight but not sex

"I know of a sixth-form residential this year where there were three ftm trans kids, and they shared a room. The problem was that the rooms slept four, so they had to persuade another girl to join them."

I'm sorry but I don't see what the problem with that is, it is clearly a single sex room.

The fact that another girl may not choose or want to sleep in the same room with other girls that have rather extreme beliefs, now that I can quite believe.

Is it a co-ed school?

Can’t believe that i have to say this but the pool of potential romantic partners for a trans person are pan sexual people not straight or gay people.

FFS what is your husband thinking? This is lunacy! Protect your little girl!

You absolutely cannot let her pass for male without the biological boys at school’s consent, it’s just wrong. She has no authority over you to demand such a thing and she is very foolish to think she will be safe if it comes out accidentally, especially if boys have been undressing or going to the toilet in front of her. It’s fraudulent in my books.

Yes it is co-ed

Would you mind explaining to me what pansexual is please? Think I have come across it before but not entirely sure what it means x

How changing rooms work?

Pan is not being fussy about genitalia/anatomy or what the person identifies as. So happy to date boys, girls, trans or enbies.

@Drfosters what she wants is irrelevant it's the law

Yes that is the point of this thread

• sorry keep pressing send. Ultimately she's not allowed to go onto the opposite sexes personal space. Thats it.

The school are legally liable for the safety, privacy and dignity of all pupils.

If you and her attempt to mislead the school about her sex, and she's sharing facilities with males and anyone complains the school are in a difficult position as are you - you may find yourself legally liable for any court case that might arise. It may be unlikely, but in this situation you'd probably end up with unwanted publicity too.

Its more likely if you are found that you have misled deliberately she'd be likely to lose her place at the school.

This isn't something you can lie on an entry form about.

Its insane to think you can try.

It means theyre attracted to people regardless of gender.

It's complicated though because some people in relationships with trans people align their gender and sex so some straight men who are with trans women still say they are straight. I do know a lesbian couple where one partner is now transitioning to trans man and I think they now also say they are a straight couple.

But someone who actively fancies a variety of people regardless of gender is usually described as pansexual

Not necessarily, but around a quarter typically are.

There was a large study of 640,000 people back in 2020. They found that around 24% of transgender respondents reported that they had autism, compared to 5% for non transgender respondents (this was in connection with a Channel 4 documentary back then called "Are You Autistic")

If she was someone you had only just met OP would you think she was a male or can you objectively see that she isn’t?

JFC. ‘Deadnames’? As a teacher and a professional adult working with this impressionable age group you’re supposed to uphold critical thinking and honesty and moral values. But you cheerfully go along with this damaging misogynistic ideology and all the trendy vernacular? How fucking depressing.

No, regardless of if she is autistic or not this is completely irrelevant to your current problem and will only muddy the waters.
My son is autistic, identifies as male and although he can not easily be dissuaded from a path once he has set his mind on something due to his autism, I don’t know why being autistic or not would be relevant to your daughter.
This doesn’t seem like it’s a passing phase and I feel really sad for you all, you are grieving for the daughter that you thought you had, the plans that she may have gone on to do and your daughter has had to previously be someone, that inside, she just isn’t.
You and your DH need to be on the same page, him helping her fill in the forms and putting male as her gender is misleading. It would have been better to have left it blank. Most new build primary, secondary schools and colleges have gender neutral toilets, at my children’s primary and secondary school both sexes use the same toilets as they are self contained cubicles, if the college is up to date they will also have a similar system in place so I would be less concerned about toilet facilities and more concerned that the staff neee to know so they can fully support your child as an individual rather then be confused by her circumstance.
I would send the email explaining what has occurred and await the advise they give.
If your daughter knows you are against her transitioning then she will keep secrets from you and try and hide what she is doing.
its been years since I went to college however I met such diverse people and no one seemed to bat an eyelid about sexual orientation etc but I think the most important thing for your daughter is that she be honest about who she is right now, not what she hopes in time to be.

100% this

To add to my previous post, presumably this is a day school or your DD is attending as a day pupil. If it is a boarding school & she is to join as a boarder then there is a bigger issue as she cannot go into a boys’ boarding house and there may not be space for her in a girls’ house.
When you approach the school, whilst I would expect them to be cooperative and understanding, remember you are likely to be in breach of the contract that you will have signed with the school and they could withdraw her place or ask her to leave.

Are you utterly out of your mind?!?!? Deception to win sexual favors is morally and legally wrong. Even if you can spin it that OP's daughter wouldn't be charged for sexual assault based on deception, on what ethical ground could you ever think this is remotely okay?

It shouldn't be shocking for me to see how some women think girls should put up with sexual coercion, but when I see it in black and white, I have to remind myself how very little we've moved forward.

Girls are not objects to be used and abused to prop up an ideology.

OP I think you're a bit out of touch with the catastrophising about it going to be a complete disaster, she's going to be outed, bullied, etc.

Her peers will have a much more relaxed attitude to it than you. The school will already have a policy in place and have "seen it all before" because it's been so prevalent the last 5 years or so.

However, trying to deceive could be received badly by her peers (particularly boys who share their space with her) and by the school (who have a duty of care to all their students). You need to work with the school on this - and, as a PP mentioned above - they're going to find out pretty quickly during enrolment so it's best that you and your daughter have a discreet chat with them first.

yo0ur husband is not helping lying to the school they need to know

she cant use the boys toilets does she realise that