DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

I’m fully educated on sex and gender thank you @Cloudtime .

The DD needs to know that she can present as masculine or feminine or neither/either, and have intimate relationships with males/females/both/neither, and none of this requires her or anyone else to enter into a delusion about her natal sex.

I hope that’s ok with you. Thanks.

I feel I should clarify my daughter is an only child.

The amount of psychological harm my mother did to me and my brother telling us we were 'born the wrong way round' because we didn't conform to gender stereotypes was awful.

Her prejudices were pushed down on us and it affected us both in different negative ways.

I'm very dubious when parents say things like this and then magically their child comes out trans. Its not uncommon. And yet we are supposed to believe there's something innate, not something about trying to please a disappointed parent or to fulfil a parents narrative that's always been repeated in someway.The possibly of influence from parents is just too strong to ignore.

Just as a heads up, it is a parents responsibility to make adult decisions on what is best for their child and not just to allow the child to make life changing decisions as they please.

It is not in any child’s best interest to pretend they can successfully deceive others into thinking they are the opposite sex or that it is wise to do so.

OP has spotted that her child has been unduly influenced by a harmful ideology and is taking steps to help her daughter who is clearly struggling and should be applauded. Parents are not there to be ‘friends’ to their kids, we need to protect them from making bad decisions. If she takes testosterone she could harm her fertility, bone development, liver, heart etc. Using binders harms breast tissue and is banned in many African countries (and officially banned here but if you do it for ‘trans’ the law seems to turn a blind eye).

This is a big step on OP but your daughter needs to be made aware that pretending to be the opposite sex when having sexual activity is a criminal offence of rape by deception. At least two women (identifying as men) that I can think of have been imprisoned for this.

Best of luck OP, you are the parent and the bills so you have every right to speak to the college and help keep your child safe. She’ll thank you in the long run.

Look at the Bayswater Group or Transgender Trend for advice.

Is there a considered position to go with that cliche, or are you still living in the past?

This.

She has to navigate some pretty significant legal issues as part of this problem that don't just go away with an affirmation only approach.

The fact is, that in navigating this situation properly and safely you HAVE to explore the difficult and unpleasant questions that maybe the daughter doesn't want to and is being avoidant about.

The fact she is being so avoidant is a massive red flag for her mental health which SHOULD be flagged with the school for her well being so they know to watch out for it. That level of denial won't come in isolation for other issues and anxiety problems. They need to know.

They need to know for their own legal responsibilities and the teen daughter needs to know what her own legal position is - including with relationships. She needs to have an adult grown up conversation about these things FOR HER OWN WELL BEING AND OWN BEST INTERESTS.

She needs to have a conversation about being accepted and to what degree she can pass. And how the fact she never will pass will affect her and there will be some knobhead who abuses her. But likewise she should NOT be harassing others for not buying into her demands or demanding access to male only spaces - because thats not cool and could end up in legal consequences if she ignores.

Scolding because we acknowledge sex, is ridiculous and harmful. Its a reality you can't avoid.

Haven't RTFT.

I'm a teacher.

1. The school need to know your child's biological sex for safeguarding reasons. That is non-negotiable as it is a legal requirement. You need to explain this to your child - it's not something you can keep a secret. You cannot collude with your daughter in pretending to the school she is biologically male.
2. You need to arrange a meeting with school as soon as term starts. This should be with the Head of Year in the first instance. They need to know the situation so they can support your child. They will have seen this sort of situation many times before and will be able to advise on how they can accommodate your child's needs and preferences in a way that keeps them safe and supported.
3. I would strongly suggest an autism assessment. Every single girl who has claimed a trans identity that I have taught over the years - and there have been a fair few - have been autistic, and confused about their sexuality, often feeling same-sex attraction. I find the growing correlation being shown in research between autism and trans identities in girls to be entirely borne out in my own personal experience.

I completely understand how distressing this is and how challenging it is to juggle supporting your child with keeping them safe. It is so very hard for teenagers at the moment with the amount of gender identity politics around and the strong desire amongst so many vulnerable children to find safety and belonging in labels that give them access to ready made communities where they feel accepted. For many it is a phase. Have patience - for the moment, accept your child for who they want to be at this point in time. When everything feels confusing and painful for them in their dealings with the world, they need the unconditional love of their parents more than ever. Please let the school help you to navigate this and don't be afraid to ask them for support, advice and guidance - they will be able to signpost you to external organisations and there should be a counsellor in school too that your child can access.

This.

Bluey, if your DC told you they were Jesus reincarnated would you go along with it? Or would you step in as their parent and responsible adult?

DN has a trans man in her class at sixth from. It’s a good school, nice kids, but yhe she does get the piss ripped out of her. Mostly behind her back, sometimes to her face. Your DD will probably get bullied in some capacity, but to be honest all strange kids get bullied in some way.

The school will be good about bullying, she will probably be better off getting bullied or being trans than she would if she was bullied for anything else. She needs to tell them though. YOU need to tell them.. you’re the ones paying the fees.

Your love for your child is clear but I don't imagine you can see how deluded your post appears to most people. You birthed a baby boy and now you think you got this wrong and the baby was female all along? You believe this?

It's 2025 we all are quite aware how AI and Photoshop and filters work. No matter how good the surgeries, tattoos or haircuts, really good lighting does not a man make.

he looked like a quite small 16 year boy. His best mate who was a male and about the same size. Voice was quite deep.
I didn’t clock they were trans for about 3 months. I only really knew when I saw the medical info and then on their file they had their previous female name. I then had a better look at him and you could tell but it wasn’t obvious. As I said, he looked like a nerdy small 16 year old boy. He was definitely flat chested.
no idea whether they had taken hormones. However his medical condition could have been a factor.

You’re clearly not. I’m sure he does . He is saying he identifies as a male . He is not saying he wants to dress as a male or have sex with girls . He’s saying he is a male . Not sure what you can’t understand about that ?

I said upthread that we had one pupil who was 'stealth'. If she'd been older, the other pupils might have guessed before she told them, but she was only S3/Y10. When she told the boys, they were genuinely shocked.

Two girls who were openly FtM continued to use the girls' facilities at our school. One detransitioned after a few months; the other - a 6th Yr girl - detransitioned after leaving school.

But legally you cannot change gender until you are 18 at the earliest whatever you think they are starting school as a female and the school have to safeguard both the OPs child and other children there.

the fact that they wish to lie and not be honest is a huge red flag

See my biggest fear would be my child being assaulted, or committing suicide because they don’t feel seen or supported. It wouldn’t be my own embarrassment. If you don’t get some kind of perspective and counseling for yourself I think you will lose your child, one way or another. The world is a cruel place for trans people, home should be a safe space.

I’m not sure why you are bringing lesbians into this, Lego didn’t mention that at all.

You are right that sexuality and ‘identity’ are not linked, LGB (sexuality) is nothing to do with T (apart from the internalised homophobia that sometimes drives vulnerable people to think it’s simpler to be trans).

Identity ideology is causing harm to this girl. I think you should remember that with children the watchword should be safeguarding. It is certainly not safeguarding to allow a girl to insist she is male to her new college.

The emotional blackmail of trans activists threatening parents that their child is more likely to commit suicide if they don’t give into their demands has to be one of the most evil and false aspects of this ideology.

It is an utterly false claim. Children who have gender dysphoria have no more risk of suicide than any other child with mental health problems. Stop propagating this lie.

I’d like to offer the perspective as a parent of a dc the same age about to enter sixth form at a coed private school. I asked my dc: new student who’s trans - not a big deal at all. There are a few trans students at school and a heap of non binary students. No one raises an eyebrow or gossips.

however - new student who passes as one gender but hasn’t disclosed their birth sex and it comes out when they are getting changed for compulsory swimming or games lessons in cramped changing rooms - (rightly or wrongly) - that’s a big deal.

Yet when someone posts that their boyfriend threatening suicide people are told that you can’t be responsible for other people killing themselves.

They absolutely did. They said ‘it’s fine to love who you want and wear what you want….. ‘ ie tell them it’s ok to be a masc lesbian .
I know of no trans people whatsoever who have any ‘internalised homophobia’ . If it exists, I doubt it is common.
what harm is ‘identity ideology ‘ causing him …. Please explain

Mumsnet is largely anti trans

With the greatest of respect how many trans men get assaulted each year simply for being trans and how many are under 18? Who would be assaulting them? I would wager very few if any.

Conversely, the cognitive dissonance required to maintain the delusion that you are the opposite sex is mentally exhausting.

I wouldn’t affirm. Let your husband do it, and the occasional teacher. The other students will know but most will go along with it. Your daughter needs a way back from it all if/when she desists.