DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

Attempting to get into the school under false pretences could result in court action against you. The Supreme Court recently gave its ruling on what a man and what a woman is.

When you say the gender marker was removed, was this only from the certificates or completely? Because the data will be transferred across to the sixth form as a file and uploaded onto the system. It will have biological sex from her Secondary and you cannot change data of that nature for a child. Or at least they shouldn’t. It will also mess up their stats because the data will show they have x female and x male and it won’t match if she has registered as a male. The data manager will find the anomaly eventually, that’s part of their job!

I agree with what @Blueysotheemother says.

Yes you are being controlling, and in a negative way.

You say you love your daughter trans son, but your every post is negative - "it's a shit show", you don't want your younger son to use the correct name and gender pronouns, you're completely in denial.

Yes if course you should talk to the school, they need to know what the situation is, and they will be able to advise you how they will support your trans son through this period (which may or may not be a permanent change).

Get behind your trans son and support him - stop fighting it every step of the way before you lose him completely.

I find it incredibly hard to believe that you have ‘huge ‘ experience with this . Mainly because you’re talking utter rubbish.
can you explain how other children’s’ lives are at risk?
How are they ‘confused about their sexuality’ ? Gender and sexuality are two completely separate things

This, 100%.

Especially now that the SC ruling has removed all wiggle room.

Your DD and your DH have to hit the wall of reality, or accept that laws are being broken and she opens herself up to being sued.

💯

We can love our children and still have worries and fears and negative reactions to things we know will hurt them. It's called parenting. We don't have to support everything a 16 year old wants.

Which was quite likely lllegal.

Sadly many providers threw safeguarding out the window
(see "duty of care" cases at Bristol Uni)
in an affirmative blinkered bubble

Schools up to 18 are REQUIRED to have single sex spaces
for the protection of all
not the validation and affirmation of the loudest

What are you actually talking about? How are other children’s’ spaces and relationships being destroyed ? What is he lying about?

I work in a sixth form college. I would say that most if not all trans young people are autistic. Sorry if that offends anyone.

OP it's frustrating that your DH and DD have got ahead of you on this and made some decisions that may need reversing. However. I would sit down with your DD and talk to her about her plans for sixth form - what clothing she needs, stationery, equipment etc. Are travel plans sorted? And also include a discussion about how she sees this whole thing panning out. Has she thought through PE (it was "compulsory" in my sixth form)? Has she a plan for if her peers presume she's female and refer to her as such? What if a member of staff does? What about toilets? Etc. etc. This way you can help her protect herself. (None of this implies approval imo).

More absolute rubbish. Why are you lying on a public forum?

They aren't.

Its a very genuine issue.

I think you would get better support on a forum for parents with trans children as mumsnet is not very supportive.
I have a trans niece and she is like a different person being able to be herself. So much happier.
I would let your child navigate this themselves if they are happy to do so. I don’t see why they would be bullied, my children have trans friends and it has never been an issue. They can speak to the school about their preferred pronouns and name.

Honestly OP tell your DD and DH together that you’re going to call school on X date to make an appointment to speak to their pastoral lead by Y date and that you absolutely will be doing that with or without either/both of their involvement. Say you’ve changed your mind about ‘going along’ with your DD’s wishes and that college need to know, and that you so need to have an agreed plan about how to handle a number of factors as and when they may arise.

Also let your DD know that its fine to wear what you want and love who you want without hankering after something that is, after all, completely impossible, and potentially both physically and psychologically damaging.

At the moment your DD is a child, exercise the safeguarding leverage that you have now, whilst you have it, to look after her best interests.

I hope your son stays out of women's spaces.

Its not about whether you are disappointed or not.

Its about whats legal and whats setting up a child to be harmed, and whether its actually possible to pass as the opposite sex - without someone noticing (its not). We can't pretend this isn't the case because it might upset someone we love. Because if we aren't honest about it, they will inevitably come across the reality.

Not to mention that safeguarding applies to ALL children, regardless of how any of them identify.

Can you explain why that is a problem for you, rather than just scolding.

Whether you are proud or not, is irrelevant. Its not about you. Its about the wellbeing of children and their mental health.

Completely agree with Delphinium20. What about the girl kissing someone she thinks is a boy? How is it fair? Of course I’ll probably be called homophobic or transphobic for this but girls/women don’t exist to affirm biological males’ delusions.

Is your child actually intending to ‘hide’ the fact that he was born female ? Or are they intending to present as a trans man? You seem to be assuming the former?
I don’t think you’re giving your child any credit for having any common sense . All the scenarios you’re panicking about in your head are assumptions . Why aren’t you discussing your fears with them? . For example , what if a girl did find them attractive ? Why do you assume your child wouldn’t explain that they were born female and let the girl make an informed choice .
I also think you’re guessing how people would react on the basis of your views . Thankfully the younger generation is so much more open to understanding that not everyone is the same .
It’s sad you cringe at your younger son’s reaction , referring to his sibling as brother . It’s a credit to him and future generations that don’t have the same strange prejudices that many of ours do .

It’s not about you. You can’t control your child . They’ve already learnt that they have legal rights at 16 . How do you see that going when they’re 18 ? If you want your relationship to survive you need to support them.

I don’t feel like I lost my son when she became my daughter, I’m not sad for the son that isn’t there. I’m upset and disappointed with myself that the daughter I had all along was treated as a boy for so long. I love my daughter just as much, maybe even more than I did my son because she’s brave and beautiful and strong.
I think I must’ve deep down known all along, I was convinced she was a girl all through my pregnancy and told the ultrasound people they were wrong when they said boy. We also gave her a g gender neutral name so she’s happy to keep that and it saves admin.

You can be disappointed but no one is being unkind, merely stating the obvious that a minor child cannot go into an educational setting without being honest about themselves.
Regardless of what is going to happen in the future, the child is biologically female and the college needs to know this as much as they need to know what pronouns etc the child would like to go by.
You can’t just lie….

You can’t go to school lying about what you factually are to the ignorance of everyone else. If a 16 yr old male presenting as female was in the changing rooms, toilets and bedrooms on trips, without the girls knowledge there would be, rightfully, fury and maybe some suing.

Exactly. When she gets changed in the boys' changing room, how will she explain her moobs and lack of an important boy part? 🤷‍♀️

This was over a decade ago. The person was an adult and the people they had sex with were children . Not the same at all.