My 10 year old son thinks he is trans.

[Onelovemumma]

Please don't give me any hate, I just need advice on how to approach this situation.

Yesterday I found out that my 10 year old son has tiktok. I went through all of his videos, lots of homemade stop motion dinosaur videos, him being silly with his boy mates, typical 10 year old boy videos.

Then I see two videos that say he is Trans and he wants to be a girl.

I am totally confused and just in shock.

Never ever had he given us an idea he might feel that way.
He loves everything that you would expect a young boy to love and always has.
He's a typical lad.

I called him upstairs and said I had seen his tiktok and he burst into tears and ran and locked himself in the bathroom.
I just sat and waited in his room till he was ready.
I asked him if he knew what videos I had looked at and wanted to talk about and he said yes then hid under the covers.

I said to we need to talk about it, asked how he felt and why, how long and who knows.

He said he has felt like it for a long time, but never said because he doesn't want to upset me and his dad's (real dad and step-dad)

He said he knew he could talk to me but his dad's would be angry.

He also said most of his class at school knows as he told a couple of people who then told everyone else. I have never heard of a rumour of this though. He always has girlfriends (even though I think it's too young)

I just don't get it.
I don't know if it's just because he is online and seen things, he has always been very easily led.

The only thing typically fem that I have seen is he has asked to have his nails painted and absolutely nothing else.

How do I deal with this. Do I leave it alone and see what happens? I truly don't think he feels this way.
I said to him what he is saying he feels is very extreme, I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now.

I don't think he knows fully what it entails.

I feel really bad writing that part but it wasn't said in a horrible way just trying to understand his thought process.

Help

You sat him down and told him that having girlfriends at this age is inappropriate .......
To be honest I think you need to take a much lighter approach .... lots of 10 year old do this.

There is no correct way to do this. Maybe it's "could" rather than "you need to"?

I too would take a lighter approach. In fact I said something very similar to what you said above, but we all parent differently and I can fully understand the whirlwind that the OP must be in right now looking at all of this: access to the internet, influence of social media etc etc. It's all pulling children forwards towards a (sexualised) version of adulthood that they aren't mentally equipped for.

Our experience was my autistic daughter in year 8. She and her "boyfriend" were together for about six months but it all ended when he tried to kiss her for the first time. She didn't understand that this is what might happen in a "relationship". She thought it was a type of best friend. Obviously this is an example of one ND child, but it highlights the innocence and vulnerability that I can understand the OP wants to now mitigate.

Well he can't be a girl.

When he is an adult he could have surgery and hormone treatment to look more like a girl but he will still be him.

And why does he think he wants to be a girl? Men can wear nail varnish and make up, they can dance, do ballet, go riding. Just because more girls than boys do these things doesn't mean the y are 'girl things'.

Glad you have been talking to him and limited his online life.

When he is an adult he could have surgery and hormone treatment to look more like a girl but he will still be him.

This is the important bit that many vulnerable children don't really understand. Also many parents have been given the impression that cross-sex hormones will provide the puberty of the opposite sex. I've got a longer comment further up the thread about why that is a physical impossibility.

It's one thing holding a belief that you have a gender identity that is separate from your sexed body. It's quite another holding on to the false hope of something that can never happen, based on a misunderstanding of biology.

This is so important. Children are told they can change sex. That puberty blockers are completely safe.

They should be taught the truth.

It was causing trouble as he kept dumping girls for other girls and breaking their hearts, one of the girls friends got involved and attacked loads of the other children and got punished.
They almost called social services as she was so aggressive.
I don't mind if they are having girlfriends and it's not affecting them. When children are getting THAT upset and it's affecting their education and that, it then becomes a problem?

Girlfriends at 10 years old? :o Blimey.

Quite. From a prolific heartbreaker who’s worked his way through the entire school cohort to “I think I’m trans”.
A ten year old…. 🤔

So this is either a troll thread.
Or its true and the op has a 10yo son who has lived a life before hes even become a teenager.

Actually Im hoping its the former cos then I can stop feeling sad and sorry for a young boy. Kids benefit from being kids as long as possible - they really do. There is zero benefit in a kid experiencing all this so young. Particularly not if they end up feeling like they want to be part of what many of us regard as a cult.

I promise you this is not a troll post. I wish it was.

I spoke to him a little more today.
Looks like the class is filled with children all saying they are gay, bi, non-binary and there are even 'furries'
I am furious to be honest.
He said to me the girlfriend he had that was the root of trouble in my last post had turned gay and now was dating all the girls and so he wanted to 'try out' being a girl.
I explained to him how he can't just try out being a girl. That he will never be a girl and he needs to stop talking about it all now,

I think he can see that it's totally not the right thing to be doing.

I am so sad. He is basically trying to fit in with a load of kids who are doing the same thing and it's toxic.

I am scared and honestly feel like pulling him from the school.

It's ridiculous it's all going on under the teachers noses, at the meeting I had the other day they said they haven't heard anything going on at all.

My other daughter (not autistic) used to tell me about the boyfriends and girlfriends that changed regularly in her year 6 class. She had no interest whatsoever in having a "relationship" but her best (girl) friend at the time had moved to a different school for year 6 and apparently had a girlfriend within a few weeks.
There were no furries, or gender identities that differed from anyone's sex, but what I do know now is that the school already had a top-down approach to safeguarding that is very similar to paragraphs 205-209 of this year's KCSIE guidance (which covers vulnerable children who are "gender questioning"). I happened to be speaking to a senior member of staff there recently, who was asking how my daughters were getting on in secondary school. We eventually wove our way on to the subject of gender identity belief - we had a fantastic long conversation - and it was such a relief to hear that this SLT member really understood it for the risk that it is in schools.

OP, looping back to autism: we got fobbed off initially by the school (under the previous Head) because my daughter was doing well academically. I ended up applying for the EHCP myself as it was so clear she needed it. It's a long and difficult journey but we got it after appeal and she's now in a secondary school place that she wouldn't have without it. If you feel he needs the provisions that it unlocks, it's well worth the battles it will take to get them.
On a related note, my advice would be to keep him out of autism groups. Every single one I've come across is fully onboard with gender identity belief being positioned as fact (the parenting group I used to be in had one parent with a daughter expecting to start testosterone soon and a couple of others who thought their daughters might be heading towards social transition - it was all discussed very affirmatively). Anecdotally, I've also heard from others that the topic of gender identity is one of the most common discussion points in autism groups for older children.

I'm starting to wonder if this is a troll post too. Op surely can't be this naieve. You sound in cloud cuckoo land. If you had any common sense at all you would've never let him have TikTok, pushed for a diagnosis and got support from school, told him straight to ignore such nonsense and that no one can change sex. Taking him out of this school won't help because this rubbish is going on in every school. (What will help is you being firm but factual and parenting properly). But if your child has any common sense they won't let it bother them, and just carry on as gay/bi/heterosexual, although sadly heterosexual is now considered boring, which we all know is silly. It's a shame 10 year olds are dealing with all this crud, it gets worse in secondary! I was lucky, My boys just ignored it all and carried on playing football with their mates.

@Onelovemumma :( Sorry for accusing you of trolling.
Its all so sad and depressing. Im sad for your son, sad for his school friends, sad for all children. Children shouldnt be exposed to this nonsense or thinking like this. Its a cult and its brainwashing our kids.

I'm starting to wonder if this is a troll post too. Op surely can't be this naieve

As with everything on the internet, anything is possible. Given how little most people know about the actual risks children are facing online about gender identity belief, I find it perfectly plausible.

However, also as with everything, I keep a healthy scepticism in reserve. For example one thing I find odd on this thread is that there is a random "black spot" posted without any other content. Obviously it may not have an swashbuckling meaning whatsoever but it's clearly not just a full stop.
Any posts about children and gender identity attract a lot of nefarious watchers. @Onelovemumma I'm sure you are doing but please keep that front and centre when posting e.g. don't share information that could identify your location.

Coming back to this point:

How do I deal with this. Do I leave it alone and see what happens? I truly don't think he feels this way.
I said to him what he is saying he feels is very extreme, I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now.

Personally, I think this was a great way to understand what the OP's child understood about it all. The "reality slap" of being told your thoughts are 'extreme' and then reinforcing what extreme looks like is a good approach IMO, given his age.

It all comes down to the tone in which it was delivered. I took it that way, as opposed to the idea that the OP was asking if that was something that they both might want to explore together.

And even if it were the latter, I have had to talk to my daughter about exploring all of this stuff together since it first came in to our house. It all started when she asked us for puberty blockers, aged 13. I had no idea about any of this stuff, except that some people did go on to have surgery and take cross-sex hormones. So yes, I told her we would explore it together and that I would find out as much as I could. Like many people, I assumed that "being trans" was very much like being gay, so I had no concerns at that early stage, other than making sure she and we were well informed about any medical risk. We're two years in now and I'm still supporting her. How that support manifests has changed lots over this time (mostly I'm supporting her indirectly by mitigating sources of bias that she is being or may be subjected to) but whenever we do talk about the subject directly, I sometimes deliver some carefully chosen reality slaps in a context that I feel will enable her to unlock her own critical thinking. Off the top of my head, the most recent "reality slap" I can think of is when I showed her an article about the impact of synthetic testosterone on the body. It was a BBC report about a male body builder. The quote from the coroner was something like "anyone who takes this needs to know that they are choosing an early grave". I have to broach the subject very carefully with her, often by not talking about gender identity at all (like in the example of the male body builder).

A 10 year-old does not even need a smartphone, and at the very least you should have strong parental controls on it. He 'seems older' because you are letting him have access to things which are making him act older. He should not have access to this content. Take his phone off him or take serious control of it. Stop 'loosening the reins' based on what he says his friends are allowed to do. Fgs. He's 10. Even NT late teens' brains are still developing and are incredibly vulnerable to influence. He's a little kid.

This is something that parents of younger children might find helpful re smartphones:

https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk/

It's a grassroots movement that is growing across the UK. It has lots of regional groups. If you're a parent in a school you can sign up to get their updates.

I do wish that I'd been more informed when we gave our children smartphones. We did lock lots down and had Google Family Link from the start (phone completely locked overnight, app downloads on permission from us only) , but in hindsight a "dumb" phone would have been better.

This group advocates no smartphones under 14. Lots of parents have signed the pledge and are doing this. Some schools are also joining in.

However, it's not enough. Children are accessing things on their tablets and PCs too, including via (surprising?) routes like Roblox chat. The chat function can be turned off. There are even some games on Roblox that are.... odd. For example I had to put a (verbal) ban on a furry zombie apocalypse game in our household once I found out it existed.

@Onelovemumma "breaking their hearts" ... they're ten. Catch yourself on. Ten year olds have no concept of love and heartbreak and it's ridiculous to go along with any of that nonsense. Much less the idea that any human can change sex. Get your son off his smartphone. He's far too young.

Just seen a thanks drop in on this comment... which is timely as I started a new thread on it this morning. Linking here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5174813-smartphone-free-childhood-national-campaign

"it's impossible to become a girl"
lol no

How does someone become a girl?

Well it is. Sex is not gender. You can't change sex.

It's a phase. He's got a p not a v and that makes him a boy. He's too young to think anything else seriously and too young to even think about any so-called change, or having his p turned into a v!

Just support them bro and DO YOUR RESEARCH or better yet get her a therapist because it seems like you and these people in the comments aren't good at be supportive of your own children

thats why you can change ur GENDER not sex you silly billy ;)

What does it mean to "change your gender", in practical terms?

i.e. how would someone know that they had achieved this, beyond other people using their preferred new pronouns?

I'm not going to suggest any pro or anti things about the whole trans thing. I just want to say that he doesn't have "girlfriends". How do I know? Well I'm 20 and 10 years ago when I was 10 and beginning to feel something for boys they didn't in the slightest feel anything for me. We develop when we begin our periods. They don't until, well sorry but seriously, until their penises "develop" - and that isn't at 10!