My 10 year old son thinks he is trans.

[Onelovemumma]

Please don't give me any hate, I just need advice on how to approach this situation.

Yesterday I found out that my 10 year old son has tiktok. I went through all of his videos, lots of homemade stop motion dinosaur videos, him being silly with his boy mates, typical 10 year old boy videos.

Then I see two videos that say he is Trans and he wants to be a girl.

I am totally confused and just in shock.

Never ever had he given us an idea he might feel that way.
He loves everything that you would expect a young boy to love and always has.
He's a typical lad.

I called him upstairs and said I had seen his tiktok and he burst into tears and ran and locked himself in the bathroom.
I just sat and waited in his room till he was ready.
I asked him if he knew what videos I had looked at and wanted to talk about and he said yes then hid under the covers.

I said to we need to talk about it, asked how he felt and why, how long and who knows.

He said he has felt like it for a long time, but never said because he doesn't want to upset me and his dad's (real dad and step-dad)

He said he knew he could talk to me but his dad's would be angry.

He also said most of his class at school knows as he told a couple of people who then told everyone else. I have never heard of a rumour of this though. He always has girlfriends (even though I think it's too young)

I just don't get it.
I don't know if it's just because he is online and seen things, he has always been very easily led.

The only thing typically fem that I have seen is he has asked to have his nails painted and absolutely nothing else.

How do I deal with this. Do I leave it alone and see what happens? I truly don't think he feels this way.
I said to him what he is saying he feels is very extreme, I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now.

I don't think he knows fully what it entails.

I feel really bad writing that part but it wasn't said in a horrible way just trying to understand his thought process.

Help

@RedToothBrush yes, I was thinking about exploring where this is coming from, in particular the co morbidities that are often associated with trans identification.

@poppymango 3G launched in 2003 in the UK as I worked on it and most people at work were on MySpace around that time.

Ah apologies, my mistake.

Still, the rest of my post stands - 24 years ago was the year 2000, when neither of the above existed (also I don't think it's fair to say "everyone" was on Myspace when it came out as it was very much a young person's thing!)

Speak for yourself!!!

I lived online. I left uni in 1999.

Lol how?! It took me about 10 minutes to connect and then I'd be shouted at for potentially bankrupting the family 😆

In all seriousness though, it really was very different to today. Most people I knew lived a pretty offline existence until the mid 2000's. It's actually quite unsettling how quickly we've got to where we are - society was absolutely not prepared for all this.

Me and DH were both unusual for the time but we both had access. (Employment related). DH was fourteen when he started on line and has some stories.

I think we both find the whole 'our kids are guinea pigs' thing a little tiresome as a result.

But yeah, I was certainly using it to socialise as I didn't get on terribly well with people I lived with or on my course.

@poppymango Unmetered Internet was very common by 2001(AOL was £14.99, Freedom 24 launched December 2000 also £14.99), penny a minute had been around before that (Worldonline) and many places offered free evening connections or unmetered connections like Supanet (also unlimited in 2000).

@RedToothBrush Kicking kids out of chat rooms was a full time job in 2000/2001. MiRC servers had hundreds of rooms and some were limited to a thousand users.

Remove the internet\social media from him, maybe have a chat about what grooming is and how it is used to control youngsters.

Pretty sure we were on a monthly flat fee at home which wasn't that expensive. My parents couldn't afford it. The issue was more about blocking the phoneline. Certainly by 2001 I was online durithe daytime without much thought. I was online with the TV on when 9/11 happened. I can remember relaying back to a whole bunch of people what was happening because they didn't have access to the TV / radio as it happened (news websites were slow to update).

I find it incredibly bizarre that you'd let a ten year old on tiktok and not be aware of where they are getting information about being trans from as a result. Just no way do you give a ten year old access to tiktok.

Your 10 year old is uploading videos to the internet? Who is doing the parenting?

My first thought was

Why is a 10yo on tik tok? It's a horrible platform and definitely not for children

I just want to add that the very recent way the term ' trans' is being used is as a marketing tool to bring as many people as possible into the trans umbrella and to support the fiction that we all have an innate gender identity that does not necessarily match our sex.

Yes. Personally I substitute "fiction" for "belief" but exactly this. I see my atheism in similar terms and would do the same e.g. describing the virgin birth and immaculate conception as being part of a belief, not a fiction.

This is an interesting article from someone who would easily have access to that umbrella should he wish to do so:

https://archive.is/2pQIq

He shows an interesting self-reflection on why he doesn't. His honesty (his estimate of the ratios of the two different types of transwomen in the west, for example) and wit combine well with the way that he clearly articulates why the widening of the umbrella has been unhelpful when it comes to people's rights.

He makes it clear that he still holds the belief that he has a "gender identity" of some kind within himself but it's clear from the way that he's written the article that he accepts that many other people don't believe in it. This is the key bit. Many people who talk about gender identity refuse to accept that not everyone holds this belief - it's often positioned as something that everyone has, but isn't aware of, because theirs "aligns with" their sex. From my atheist POV that's remarkably similar to a Christian telling me that god will remain there for me whenever I'm ready to welcome him in to my heart.

Ps hopefully my last post doesn't come across as a derail, OP.

It's all very much linked to the internet risks re adolescent children... and 10 year olds who may have accidentally found themselves in or near that world, depending on the algorithms that have pushed social media their way and/or people potentially leading them that way ("egg hatching").

No. There were two research papers on ROGD, one of which was disowned, the other pulled because it was flawed. Both asked parents, not transgender people, and one was self-selected survey on three anti-trans websites.

Luckily people like Littman and Zucker are doing more research in to this.

It seems obvious really that something doesn't quite make sense when you look at the huge uptick in girls identifying as boys from about the age of 13 in the Tavistock's on figures.

Occam's razor.... When we already know about other social contagions disproportionately impacting girls in early adolescence, it seems conceivable that this is happening here too (as a part of the explanation). Especially when it is observed in friendship groups in clusters.

Obviously boys can also be impacted by social contagion e.g. the foothold that Andrew Tate has taken as an influencer.

@DadJoke what are the "anti-trans" websites BTW? Unfortunately it's often the case that websites such as Transgender Trend, which advocates for evidence-based support for children who are distressed by their perceived disconnect between their gender identity and their sex (i.e. those who experience gender dysphoria), are positioned as "anti-trans" or "hate groups".

Good God, this is so sad, that these things have even occurred to him. Step up and parent him properly, deleting tik-tok and restricting all internet access immediately.

But in reality isn't this what trans is? If someone goes whole hog and transitions then they will go through the hormones, surgery etc to become the other sex.
I know it was brutal, it wasn't said in a brutal way but I didn't know how I was going to put it to him that that's how serious what he is saying is. Like a reality check I guess.

I panicked and yes I shouldn't have said that probably.
I had a meeting with safeguarding and SEN at school today and they said it was a complete shock. They have never seen any evidence at school of him feeling different or actung in a certain way.
That he was a very confident and seem sure of himself...

They gave me lots of advice, not far of what many of you are saying.

I had reported his Tiktok account and when I tried to search I couldn't find him so it seems it has been taken off already.
I said it was because he seemed under 13.

I then asked to go on his phone after he got home from school and he had already deleted tik tok.

I have gone through his phone settings on family link and made everything age 9+ he has to ask permission to download anything etc.

We had another chat this afternoon, a bit of a heart to heart and he opened up more.
He said he had been questioning his sexuality. He isn't sure whether he likes boys or girls and it is confusing him, and because he like things that girls like he thought it must mean he is trans.

I said that I think it's something he shouldn't be worrying about yet. That his body and mind are going to be experiencing lost of emotions, hormones etc and how he feels may change over time around all of the above subjects.

I feel like he is looking for attention and I know there are huge communities of people who will 'take in' younger people who think they are like them....if you know what I mean.

I am totally liberal and have no issues if he was trans - I just feel like he is not, there has been no signs. He has never mentioned anything or given me an inkling that he felt any other way.

I feel guilty that I don't know my son, that he isn't happy with the beautiful soul he is and in all honesty I am terrified of having to loose my beautiful baby boy.

Navigating parenthood is by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with and it doesn't look like it ever gets any easier 😬

Is your son Autistic OP? You mention SEN. I think the internet is just horrific for kids. SEN kids are just so much more vulnerable.

If I am totally honest we have always thought he is ASD/ADHD and there have been certain teachers throughout his school life that have mentioned he is showing traits etc at school but not enough to be affecting academically so no reason to go through assessments and labeling etc.
Because he is academic they don't want to know really. Sad but it's true.
I have known many children who have autism 'come out' as trans - I feel maybe it's that feeling of being a part of a bigger accepting group when they feel so different to their peers.
Although a few years down the line they have gone back to birth name/sex etc.

"That's how serious what he is saying is"..... No it isn't! That is the whole point!
He has picked up ideas from a site he should never have been on in the first place. He is not old enough or able to understand it. He cannot discriminate yet between reality and propaganda.
What he needs from his parents is a hug, reassurance that he is loved and that the time for such ideas and decisions is not now. Let him get on with his childhood and have fun, and gain the experience of the world that will gradually allow him to make some sense of all this.
Making so much of this is setting him up for confusion and insecurity when he just needs to be a loved child. He does not need to take on all the grim implications of this current trend. Given time and space he will find hs way ... whatever that might be.
If you do not make too much of it, then it will either pass or not. Plug him into the things that make his life meaningful .. his football, Scouts, biking or whatever else he is interested in.. ballet if that's his thing. He needs to be encouraged to look outwards rather than inwards.
He is simply not ready for all this stuff. Let him have his childhood.

You sound lovely op and I think explaining about puberty and how feelings change so not to think he is definitely anything at this stage is the right approach. You're a great Mum. I don't think any child gets through puberty without some major wobbles and upsets.

No, he is not diagnosed but has many traits.

We haven't been against getting a diagnosis for insight and support etc but the school doesn't think it's necessary.

X

This isn't really helpful. I am feeling terrible about it already.
I don't need to be made to feel like a failing parent, my children are everything.
I have just not been vigilant enough.
This has changed today!

@Onelovemumma if you suspect it and based on this, I'd say very likely. I don't understand why Neurodivergent kids are at such huge risk of this but they're the group most likely to be trans identifying.

Definitely definitely restrict the internet access. There have been many debates on here about this link between Autism and Trans - some believe it there is an incredible sense of belonging and identity for Autistic kids within the trans community. It is therefore worth really digging into the internet and social platform use.

My son is Autistic, he has Autistic friends. There is a real vulnerability there and often being drawn to risky stuff ( ADHD more than Autism maybe)

I'd just try be as cool as you can. You can say you'll support whatever they feel in their mind but there's alot of brainwashing going on and you'd never be ok with extreme measures that he couldn't never change.

When you talked about the chat you had with him it also made me think he's Autistic because it seems slightly adult - it's the same with my son. You end up having weird conversations that others find age inappropriate ( like the genital cutting comment 😬😆). Don't feel bad about that. I totally understand it. It just seems weird to outsiders.

I believe you should look into that diagnosis for Autism. I recall that the undiagnosed kids are at greater risk of this trans ideology as they're confused about their identity and don't realise what's going on to make them different ( e.g being ND).