My 10 year old son thinks he is trans.

[Onelovemumma]

Please don't give me any hate, I just need advice on how to approach this situation.

Yesterday I found out that my 10 year old son has tiktok. I went through all of his videos, lots of homemade stop motion dinosaur videos, him being silly with his boy mates, typical 10 year old boy videos.

Then I see two videos that say he is Trans and he wants to be a girl.

I am totally confused and just in shock.

Never ever had he given us an idea he might feel that way.
He loves everything that you would expect a young boy to love and always has.
He's a typical lad.

I called him upstairs and said I had seen his tiktok and he burst into tears and ran and locked himself in the bathroom.
I just sat and waited in his room till he was ready.
I asked him if he knew what videos I had looked at and wanted to talk about and he said yes then hid under the covers.

I said to we need to talk about it, asked how he felt and why, how long and who knows.

He said he has felt like it for a long time, but never said because he doesn't want to upset me and his dad's (real dad and step-dad)

He said he knew he could talk to me but his dad's would be angry.

He also said most of his class at school knows as he told a couple of people who then told everyone else. I have never heard of a rumour of this though. He always has girlfriends (even though I think it's too young)

I just don't get it.
I don't know if it's just because he is online and seen things, he has always been very easily led.

The only thing typically fem that I have seen is he has asked to have his nails painted and absolutely nothing else.

How do I deal with this. Do I leave it alone and see what happens? I truly don't think he feels this way.
I said to him what he is saying he feels is very extreme, I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now.

I don't think he knows fully what it entails.

I feel really bad writing that part but it wasn't said in a horrible way just trying to understand his thought process.

Help

He isn't sure whether he likes boys or girls and it is confusing him, and because he like things that girls like he thought it must mean he is trans.

He's ten.

I didn't start fancying anyone until my late teens. This is normal. The internet makes kids think it's not normal. He doesn't need to know at age ten.

He's not even hit puberty yet.

He's way too emotionally immature to be talking about this stuff and seeing it on social media.

Never mind the fact that being trans usually life long medicalisation and how this can actually be damaging to your health.

You need to have a good talk to him about gender stereotypes and how it's ok to break stereotypes.

A lot of autistic children struggle with this because they are rule followers. And gender stereotypes are almost rule-like. Which is why it's important you make sure he understands that girls can have short hair and wear trousers and boys can wear nail varnish and even dresses if they want. And that's ok. There's plenty of famous men who are cool to find photos doing this.

Apparently it's not uncommon for gay men to have lots of girlfriends at school and like nail varnish etc. This doesn't make them trans either. Sadly a lot of feminine gay boys are being told they are trans and this isn't without consequence. Equally he may be completely straight.

He clearly doesn't really understand the concept of being trans from what you've said. So reinforcing the idea that he is trans would be ridiculous.

He has to know and understand the long term implications. Properly.

He isn't equipped to be making this type of decision. Please recognise this and use that as your starting point.

Don't worry about the internet thing. We've all made mistakes. I find us parents of ND kids have the greatest issues though, especially if our kids are smart and have a thirst for knowledge. I know many who had to back track on phone use.
Don't feel bad lovely. We had Snapchat and then I realised how awful it was and all was removed!
Ignore the ones who will blame your parenting; they're all over MN.

Thank you.
It just seems pretty serious when all I can think of is how my baby feel like he isn't who he is...if you know what I mean.

But on the other hand I am not that person who will push them through it.

I am currently looking after my friends children while they are at parents evening and I can hear them running around upstairs with both her son's playing a very boisterous game.

He is on a phone/Xbox ban now as he didn't come home straight from school.
He went to the skatepark across from the field - he HAS to come home first and I don't actually let him play out yet. So he is definitely pushing some boundaries.

I made him go to Tesco's with me and actually he is just being his usual cheeky loving self.

I will also be picking him up from school for a little while now as he didn't come home straight away.

Being online the way kids are is toxic and addictive and I feel very guilty about all of this.

Believe me he does all the clubs he wants. I try to get him out as much as I can, he goes to Judo, swimming lessons and football at the moment although is very much forcing himself to like football because all his friends like it.
Bless him he asked to put Harry Kane on his Arsenal shirt 😭🤣

He is absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs and is a walking encyclopedia, incredible at drawing said dinosaurs and able to chant anyones hind legs off about them- none of his friends are interested though so he has to try really hard to be interested in what they are to fit in with them.

Thank you sweet, it can be so hard to see through all the crap. I said to him today that it's so important that he knows he can talk to me about anything and everything.
I am his mum and I never want to think he is unhappy going through anything when I am here for him.
He just gave me the biggest hug ever and told me how much he loved me.

He is honestly a beautiful kid.

The school are absolute arse holes for doing this.

It really is necessary. We had the exact same thing.They do this if it isn't blindingly obvious because they don't want to resource anything! Or he hides it well in school

So we were forced to pay for an assessment. It helped significantly with everything. Come secondary school, this will likely become a problem for him. Knowing in himself will help him understand why he's feeling different. It will help him significantly with school accommodations.

Thank you so much!
I am ADHD and didn't get my diagnosis until I was 30 - lots now makes sense I'm my life and I think there is a 50% chance your child will be ADHD if mum is.
I also see many autistic traits in myself. I definitely never fit in and was so sure I wanted to be a boy around age 13/14 when life was so unfair and it was so hard to be a girl compared to all my 'boy friends'

I wonder if I was young in this day and age whether I would have also thought I was trans, I 100% would have tried to meet like minded people.

I think I will see how things go as if there is no evidence from school and assessment just doesn't happen. I wonder if it might become more obvious when he goes up to secondary school and the expectations are different.
I know he struggles massively to focus and finish work, only yesterday he got upset telling me about it and how frustrated he was.

He is SO loved and whoever he is we will support and love him to the end of the earth.

Literally appreciate your post so much xx

You say it isn't helpful but it really is needed. You allowing your ND ds (who are well known to be susceptible to this stuff) to access the internet, not just TikTok but probably other sites suggesting this, is so bad. So now your'll need to severely step up, to address the damage done.

If a 6 or 7 year old is self harming, they need to see a psychiatrist.

"there is no evidence from school and assessment just doesn't happen. "

Yes it does, assessment is necessary, ask GP asap, and go private if you can afford to. School saying they see no evidence is classic neglect. 1000'd of parents of ASD kids get fobbed off with that drivel.

Start a thread on the SN section of Mn, so that you can be properly supported and guided by the very very experienced and knowledgeable parents in the Mn SN section.

@Onelovemumma ah it all makes sense then. I'd be a bit relieved because at least this all makes sense now. I'd really consider telling him all about you and your own experience,your belief about being Autistic. I'd open the doors to having a conversation with him about it too. I did this with my son about age 9 when I started to realise.

You sound lovely OP. How lucky to have an understanding mum.

You can go for a private assessment without the school backing you up. If you can afford it. Out primary school was incredibly obstructive. The SENCO was not helpful.

What @Oblomov24 said!

You say it yourself about questioning when you were quite a bit older.

But had you transitioned you wouldn't have your beautiful boy.

Keep that in mind that it is a NORMAL part of puberty for many to go through a period of questioning your identity, how you fit in and your body and what that means about your future.

I find it incredibly sad that we've decided as a society that these questions mean we 'were born in the wrong body'. Its so offensive. You can't be born in the wrong body. You might not like your body, but its still yours. You can't change it. You wouldn't say this to someone disabled.

Make sure he knows what the range of experience of 'normal' is.

Sorry he isn't diagnosed as ND I don't know if he ever will be.
I didn't mean what you were suggesting isn't helpful - maybe just the tone I read it in.

Felt like an attack. Obviously because I am feeling totally guilty for how I let him have more access than he ever should have.

I know it means nothing but he is very much 'older' than he is but thats no excuse.
I don't want to be cause of Childhood trauma and kills me to think I may have already started it.

growing up I knew I wasn't a girl and I wasn't a boy
You knew no such thing. Are you trying to say you felt you weren’t fully human? Everybody is either male or female (and they remain so, regardless of their desire for it not to be so).

Get your son the hell off TikTok, op.

Or the safeguarding team.

💐💐💐

This Isn't easy. I've also been navigating this whole arena (with my daughter), including autism conflating with gender identity.

I can't imagine this thread is easy either. There's lots of good advice within it but also lots of "tough love".

Sending 💪 and 💐
It sounds like you're doing lots of great stuff off the back of this online discussion.

He probably is ND, and your real focus should be supporting him in that specifically. A diagnosis helps, but more importantly support is essential.

So sorry OP. I haven't RFT but neurodiversity? It's a trigger for this, and trans ideology is very powerful (and very dangerous), even more so for ND children.
I don't have an answer. My DD's (ADHD) way of dealing with her issues is to self harm. Which is very much the same as being 'trans' (or anorexic.). It's a hard road, but please be tough and take away shit like tiktok/snapchat. It's so so dangerous. No one would choose to put their kid in among a bunch of strangers with no limits, but that's what we're doing when we let these vulnerable kids online. And ND kids are massively more likely to have addictive traits, or go down what NT people would consider really dangerous routes.
All I can say is 'parent'. Trust your instincts. Trust that you are more knowledgeable and wiser than he is. You have had so many more years on this earth than he has.
My DD is 16 and possibly, possibly, coming out of the other side. She's even thanked me recently for being 'a parent instead of a idiot' 😂. Please have no truck with it. He is the sex he is. His body is right. His brain is right. He's just him. Good luck

He is ND OP. I don't know you but it's clear as day. The genetic inheritance is significant. When they assess a child they always look at the parents for signs.

What we're stressing is the need to get this assessment and diagnosis. It is absolutely essential! Schools will really mess you about and even blame you for obvious ND struggles. They are notorious for that. They probably won't back you up but that must not stop you.

Being able to talk openly to each other about your experiences as ND people will be huge for him, and possibly very comforting for you. Don't give up on that assessment OP! You'll do well to have it all in process before secondary. Privately is an option for £1500 - £2000 which I know is so much and out of reach for many.

It's a massive drip feed for you to tell us now that you are ADHD, late diagnosis, and how you yourself felt at 13/14. A lot of your thread makes sense now.

You have seen traits in him, you've just been fobbed off by school. We've all heard that before, most of us have also been fobbed off by shit schools. Please take action asap. Don't let this go on any longer.

So do you think this is a huge sign? The school pretty much think that because he has a big group of 'friends' and does well academically that he is not. Which is an absolute joke as we all know some incredibly intelligent ND individuals and I'm sure masking is a thing with many children not just girls especially high functioning ASD
Up until year 3 he would run around the outside of the playground like a t-rex roaring at all the children, not playing with them but along side them.
I also don't think he has actually ever finished a piece of work at school.
But gets 10/10 on spellings and reads like an adult. He is also VERY interested in sexuality. Always throwing out innuendos and inappropriate sayings which I have to be very strict with.

He has also been pushed out of friendship groups because of things he has though was funny wasn't well received from those friends.

Because at the end of the day they are 9/10 years old and not thinking about boyfriend/girlfriend's/boobs/bums etc.

I think usually young interest in sex etc is a trait in some ASD individuals???? Please correct me if I am wrong here.
Probably saying too much now myself but I feel comfortable enough with what everyone is saying to put it out there.

I'm sorry for the drip feeding. Until I had been getting responses I didn't actually relate to it or think my past experiences were relevant especially as he doesn't know about that part.

I never thought I was a boy....just thought it would be easier to be a boy amongst all the crap I went through as a girl and feeling misunderstood.

A boys life seemed simpler x

Yes you have described exactly what line the school fed me. Even if you scream I'm Autistic, they'll still fob you off. This is what happens to most of us OP.

The sex thing - it's a thirst for knowledge and understanding of things. If there are odd reactions to it, that may intensify the need to know everything. My own son got very upset about the whole subject so we had a discussion about it earlier than some others may have. He just needed to know to calm his fears.

He's ticking every single flag so he needs an assessment. Without the school on board you will possibly be fighting. Private if you can afford will be done before Secondary. The kid needs to understand who he is. Be open about yourself with him.

initially you need to know exactly what his understanding of trans is?
bare fact basic what does that actually mean(to him).
just listen.
one step at a time..... kinda blows my mind that he wouldnt say "i think i am/want to be a girl"
trans.... would be a stage... but .... its a 10 yr old your talk to.so you need his version /level understanding