My 10 year old son thinks he is trans.

[Onelovemumma]

Please don't give me any hate, I just need advice on how to approach this situation.

Yesterday I found out that my 10 year old son has tiktok. I went through all of his videos, lots of homemade stop motion dinosaur videos, him being silly with his boy mates, typical 10 year old boy videos.

Then I see two videos that say he is Trans and he wants to be a girl.

I am totally confused and just in shock.

Never ever had he given us an idea he might feel that way.
He loves everything that you would expect a young boy to love and always has.
He's a typical lad.

I called him upstairs and said I had seen his tiktok and he burst into tears and ran and locked himself in the bathroom.
I just sat and waited in his room till he was ready.
I asked him if he knew what videos I had looked at and wanted to talk about and he said yes then hid under the covers.

I said to we need to talk about it, asked how he felt and why, how long and who knows.

He said he has felt like it for a long time, but never said because he doesn't want to upset me and his dad's (real dad and step-dad)

He said he knew he could talk to me but his dad's would be angry.

He also said most of his class at school knows as he told a couple of people who then told everyone else. I have never heard of a rumour of this though. He always has girlfriends (even though I think it's too young)

I just don't get it.
I don't know if it's just because he is online and seen things, he has always been very easily led.

The only thing typically fem that I have seen is he has asked to have his nails painted and absolutely nothing else.

How do I deal with this. Do I leave it alone and see what happens? I truly don't think he feels this way.
I said to him what he is saying he feels is very extreme, I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now.

I don't think he knows fully what it entails.

I feel really bad writing that part but it wasn't said in a horrible way just trying to understand his thought process.

Help

OP I have read the full thread. I have a FTM daughter.
This started at 13. They have ASD traits. They were groomed on the Internet. The fall out was horrendous when I wouldn't support surgery. She was told to attempt suicide. I found her. A transactivist had encouraged her. Her glitter friend.
She is now studying to be a doctor and questioning all their previous non negotiables. Egg hatching is real.
The best advice I can give you is to reinforce sex is not changeable. ASD are black and white minds. My DD accepts she's female. Just a few weeks ago she agreed to miss on a form (it gladened my heart).
She was outraged tonight to find one research fellow at her uni is a pusher of 'trans children ideology'. She's not quite grown out of it but she is no longer at such high risk of irreversible harm.
Repeat often sex is not flexible, wear what you like and to be gay is fine by you.
It is a hard distressing journey. No one understands unless they live it (I was told to beat it out of her).
She was attacked at 12 and I believe it was a catalyst to hide herself. She is very pretty and was wolf whistled from 10.
Be careful this isn't your son's story.
Academically she is super clever and has only now found she enjoys her studies. Everything was too easy and boring. Friendships were never a problem but a significant proportion of her friends are ND.

Just a beauty fact, 10% of men wear nail colour. It nothing or hair dye or nicknames.
We call our daughter by her birth name, she uses a chosen name at university. Thars her business not mine.

I am GM to a young person of 18 who has chosen to be "they" and would like surgery ... but they are more mature than the OPs child. They are old enough to grasp the media and other pressure. They are loved by all of us and their wishes respected. But that wouldn't have been the same when they were 10, when they were far too young to be considering this.

You can let him follow the trend but you should remove his tiktok. The algorithm will just make him view more trans related videos and now videos about parents not understanding trans 10-year olds.

Children this young shouldn't have tiktok. Let him think what he likes but remove his tiktok as this is influencing him. He is potentially very vulnerable on there.

Second, social contagion isn’t real

Of course it is.

Lots of sensible advice here on how to talk to your son about it in a way that doesn’t just blindly affirm but that keeps the communication open.

One thing that strikes me from your post is how age- inappropriate some of your son‘s environment is. Tik tok, phone, having girlfriends, and you taking the conversation straight to surgery. The boy is ten. I would encourage you to consider how to keep his context more child-like/ friendly.

Totally guessing here, but could the attraction to GI with ND children be that it gives explanations for a lot of unknown feelings and discomfort and provides labels for all of those feelings? All the normal things we go through during puberty can be given a label and a flag and you’ve got an immediate tribe to belong to. Being different is celebrated and encouraged and fitting in isn’t necessary. Most children aren’t sexually attracted to anyone but that is ascribed as being asexual etc. You have to have a “thing” and once you’ve got it, you’ve got a ready-made directory on how to behave. Ideal for people who aren’t good with social cues.

No. There were two research papers on ROGD, one of which was disowned

Disowned? What do you mean?

Believe you me I hate the fact he has girlfriends.
Every other day he says how he has broken up with someone and now with someone new etc. In fact had a meeting at the school with the headteacher about it only last week.
I sat him down and said there is absolutely no need to have a GF at this age and that he should be having fun playing, enjoying life not worrying about girls.
It's very much a thing in his class and after the chat today with teachers the whole class is very loud, excitable and there are quite a few children who are ASD/ADHD and there are girls having girlfriends, boys having boyfriends and two that I know off were caught sending explicit (not curious) photos of themselves to eachother (same sex).
It's shocking really.

They said the same, that tiktok is a no! But they know many of the children have it.
He tried to download Snapchat the other day.
I told him he couldn't have it.
Then I receive a notification on mine
"DS now has Snapchat" asking me if I wanted to add him.
When I confronted him he burst out crying and was extremely emotional about it.
You would be surprised to know how many children of that age have Snapchat.

I know I have done wrong and I have already made the changes.
I also said to him how it's not a punishment for what I saw just that he shouldn't have it as he is not old enough and that it's my fault. I should have noticed sooner and taken it off. I apologised to him.

He seemed to understand and I actually feel like our conversations have bought us closer and I have his trust more.

We are already very close but now sitting on his phone in his bedroom isn't an option.
I have also put timers on all his devices etc.

As soon as he wasn't allowed on it today (took the Mick coming home) he got out his dinosaurs and was playing with his little sister at the dinner table while I was cooking. That seriously never happens and it was so lovely to see.

I just need to get him to enjoy his childhood and be a child - kids want to grow up fast.

He tried to download Snapchat the other day.
I told him he couldn't have it.
Then I receive a notification on mine
"DS now has Snapchat" asking me if I wanted to add him.

You know you can set up his phone so he needs parental permission and/or a password you input in order to add new apps?

The whole class sounds like there’s unhealthy amounts of phone usage and very little parental controls being used.

If you’re not going to take his phone (I think you should) at least do some research on parental controls and use them.

I now have family link and have set everything to age 9/10 made sure there are strict settings on internet searching, he has to ask permission to download apps etc and has a shut down and break time on weekends.
I was checking his phone regularly but only looked at WhatsApp and messages.
Naive maybe but I hadn't thought about looking through apps like you tube and he hasn't had tiktok on their before so he may have been deleting in when he knew it was time to check his phone.
I think I needed to do it randomly not a set time everyday. Then he wouldn't have known a time to change anything.
But now he won't need to as he won't have the apps again!

I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now

Jesus Christ. He's ten years old. What an awful and inappropriate thing to say to a child.

If you read the whole thread you will know I know this and there is no need to dig.

Thank you!

Thatenbymum There is no such thing as non binary. Every human on Earth is either male or female. Every one without exception.* *Im sad for you that you struggle with your body, with being female, but that is nevertheless what you are. And regardless of what you do to yourself you will always be the sex you were born as.

@Onelovemumma Check out this website Transgender Trend - Who Are We? - Transgender Trend
Have a look on you tube for videos featuring Helen Joyce (Shes done 100s of interviews and is beautifully articulate on this topic in every one - or have a read of her book Trans)
Have a read online to find out about ROGD.

Goodluck......... hopefully this too shall pass x

Just to let you know that it is very easy for a child to jailbreak their phone and remove all parental control. Parents on here keep talking parental control on mumsnet. I'm in my 20's, we all jailbroke our phones.

You should make plans to remove his phone from him.

Take his phone away when he’s at home…it should only be for if he goes out alone and might need to contact you. Make sure it’s got parental controls set up.

Protect your child from social media, phones and online content and let him continue being a kid for a while longer.

Ask him why he wants to be a girl. Ask him why he feels he is trans. There could be something which has led him to this conclusion.

NHS promote watch and wait.

The new KCSIE paperwork states that children are to be called gender questioning rather then trans in schools, which seems sensible.

Yes they can.

Not so much a TEN YEAR OLD though.

I think it is stunningly naive letting a ten year old have Tiktok (or Snapchat). Both push trans ideology so relentlessly I don't see it as anything other that deliberate social engineering by hostile agents.

Get your son off Tiktok, tell him you love him gay or straight, get him playing some sport and staying offline as much as possible.

If you have a Samsung phone you can just create another phone ID in a few minutes. There are many ways around this and I'm sure many 10 year olds can?... You just need one snazzy one in the class to do it for you.

I have a ten year old.

How many ten year olds have you dealt with lately?

'A snazzy one?!

Maybe a twelve or thirteen year old, but clearly you haven't spoken to many ten year olds recently.

18 is more mature than 10, definitely, but still very young to be making plans to permanently remove body parts.

At 18, feelings and beliefs (and "I know I'll always feel like this") are very strong. But if an 18 year old wanted to be sterilised because they felt they didn't want to have children, I can't imagine any surgeon agreeing to this - in case they change their mind. IMO, removal of breasts or penises/testicles should be thought of the same way.

If someone perceives themselves to have a gender identity that differs from their sex perhaps they could be helped to feel at peace with this in different ways. Although it's for under 18s, the Cass Report spoke about the vulnerability of 17-25 year olds and how they were in need of a care pathway too that unpicked the distress they feel about their body in a neutral way - without affirming or challenging the gender identity but exploring other factors. If someone says they are non-binary, the exploration would likely be similar to someone who says they identify as the opposite sex.

I second this..

Of course he isn't trans. He's just been exposed to bollocks on TikTok the poor thing. He's embarrassed and confused at what all of it even means. Remove his access to social media and don't make a big deal out of the trans thing or you'll fan the flames.

You sat him down and told him that having girlfriends at this age is inappropriate .......
To be honest I think you need to take a much lighter approach .... lots of 10 year old do this. My GS, now 12, has got through more "girlfriends" over the last few years than I have had hot dinners! When he mentions one, we just say "Oh that's nice dear ... do you want beans with your fish and chips?"
Lighten up ... watch the antics of him and his mates with a smile and a hug!!