My 10 year old son thinks he is trans.

[Onelovemumma]

Please don't give me any hate, I just need advice on how to approach this situation.

Yesterday I found out that my 10 year old son has tiktok. I went through all of his videos, lots of homemade stop motion dinosaur videos, him being silly with his boy mates, typical 10 year old boy videos.

Then I see two videos that say he is Trans and he wants to be a girl.

I am totally confused and just in shock.

Never ever had he given us an idea he might feel that way.
He loves everything that you would expect a young boy to love and always has.
He's a typical lad.

I called him upstairs and said I had seen his tiktok and he burst into tears and ran and locked himself in the bathroom.
I just sat and waited in his room till he was ready.
I asked him if he knew what videos I had looked at and wanted to talk about and he said yes then hid under the covers.

I said to we need to talk about it, asked how he felt and why, how long and who knows.

He said he has felt like it for a long time, but never said because he doesn't want to upset me and his dad's (real dad and step-dad)

He said he knew he could talk to me but his dad's would be angry.

He also said most of his class at school knows as he told a couple of people who then told everyone else. I have never heard of a rumour of this though. He always has girlfriends (even though I think it's too young)

I just don't get it.
I don't know if it's just because he is online and seen things, he has always been very easily led.

The only thing typically fem that I have seen is he has asked to have his nails painted and absolutely nothing else.

How do I deal with this. Do I leave it alone and see what happens? I truly don't think he feels this way.
I said to him what he is saying he feels is very extreme, I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now.

I don't think he knows fully what it entails.

I feel really bad writing that part but it wasn't said in a horrible way just trying to understand his thought process.

Help

Thank you everyone for your view points, it's really interesting to read.
I didn't actually know he had tiktok. It looks like he was deleting the app and redownloading.
I was made to feel guilty r.e how his friends are allowed internet access and all that stuff so loosened the reigns but he obviously isn't ready for it.

10! I think personally this is too young for him to know. He hasn't even started puberty, definitely pre-pubescent going by him emotional outbursts and attitude sometimes but he never ever gets uncomfortable when I cuddle him and call him my baby boy etc. I think he may feel a little pushed out. We are a big family, my 15 year old Step-daughter lives with us, then he has a 4 year old sister and a 6 month old brother. He often talks about being the 'middle child' which obviously he isn't but he says he feels like that.

He is never treated any different to the others, in fact sometimes I feel I pay him special attention as he is my oldest and I worry he feels left out.

I am going to tread carefully and have another more thought about chat with him and discuss what others have said such as it's okay to like stereotypical 'feminine things' and still be a boy he can paint his nails and not be trans. Like it's definitely a strong statement to be making.

First though, I will delete and take all apps of off his phone that are not appropriate for his age. Including YouTube as it's basically tiktok.
I need to make sure his Xbox is set up for his age too.
I just want to protect him and know that he is super easy to influence, - he has a phone as he now walks to and from school on his own. (An independent leaver) As they are allowed from year 5.

We leave over a green from the school so it's not too far.

Thank you again for all the input, I wasn't expecting to have so many responses in such a short amount of time as it's my first post.

X

Bayswater Support have advice and a parent support network. Up to 80 per cent of children who think they're trans grow out of it so keep an open mind and read up on it. Most people who identify as trans do not have surgery. If you feel your child needs psychological help seek a non affirming therapist. While the Cass Review has changed the way that children are being treated CAMHS therapists have in the recent past been very gender affirmative so you need to be very careful about this. You also need to talk to the school to see what they are telling kids about gender.

https://thoughtfultherapists.org have a list
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

Also, be aware that the GI community is full of older members who love “hatching eggs” ie grooming children into becoming trans.

This ⬆️

My daughter told me about a boy in her school who wants to try out wearing skirts. She asked me if I could lend him some because he didn't feel ready to speak to his mums yet (lesbian couple). My daughter doesn't own skirts.

I said I didn't have any spare. I also said that while there's nothing wrong in experimenting with clothing and breaking stereotypes (teenagers have done this for decades), I was a bit concerned that he might be chatting to people online in the gaming groups that I know he is in. I told her that there was a type of porn that boys are finding out about through anime/gaming that is teaching them about sexual feelings related to seeing themselves in skirts (it's also linked to avatars and cartoons).... and that there are adults grooming children in to it.

I didn't want to say the type of porn because I didn't want her googling it. She's 15. But for the benefit of anyone who hasn't heard of it, it's sissy porn. Apparently it's very popular on pornhub.

MNHQ I hope this post is OK as written 🤞 To clarify, I'm not suggesting that all adult transwomen are involved in this. I'm calling out a specific safeguarding risk that is hopefully useful info for the OP. Please could I rephrase it if anything is problematic in the guidelines for this board?

social contagion isn’t real and you can’t be made trans or gay by reading stuff on the internet

Sorry to disillusion you, but social contagion is very real.

How in the hell did he get TikTok without you knowing about it?
Sort out his phone, now!
Delete all social media and get his settings sorted out so he can’t download anything without your permission. Take it to someone who can help you if you don’t know how.

Have you seen a psychologist? Mutilating yourself as a 6 year old is extreme behaviour and suggests psychological problems possibly related to events in your childhood. I'm really sorry you went through that.

social contagion isn’t real and you can’t be made trans or gay by reading stuff on the internet

Being gay is nothing like being trans.

Being gay is predicated on fact: you're attracted to people of the same sex only. As with being straight, figuring out who you're attracted to takes time. That's a massive part of everyone's teenage angst because these feelings didn't exist until puberty.

Being trans is predicated on belief: you believe that everyone has a gender identity (and that yours doesn't match your sex). This belief can be firmly held and will feel very real - and very distressing if there is a "mismatch".

Beliefs are social constructs that are spread between people to explain things that are difficult to explain when science doesn't (yet) have an answer. Over time, science develops answers but some people still retain their beliefs e.g. creationism versus big bang. However, beliefs can and do spread faster than the scientific knowledge... When it's particularly fast, it pulls vulnerable people in to the belief who are looking for answers to a distress that they are experiencing: a social contagion.

Edited to add a bit more about social contagion.

I'd like to add that although Trans is linked socially to LGB the two manifest differently which can be confusing. Children tend to realise they are same sex attracted before or when they reach puberty and this is generally seen as unchanging - it's an innate sexuality although some people might realise they're bisexual later. Trans is a social identity with much greater fluidity. Although some people feel they have always 'been trans' there are a large numbers who desist once they have been through puberty. Unfortunately there are only a few studies. More info here https://www.transgendertrend.com/children-change-minds/#

To add: the TikToks (and Instareels) that children and adolesents are posting up with themselves in skirts dancing, sometimes in long stripy socks, are linked to what I said above.

I'd imagine the specific thing I mentioned is more common from about 14/15 years of age but there are lots of examples (not related to this type of porn) of much younger children posting videos of themselves pouting and dancing provocatively in general. Unfortunately many adults seem to encourage it. So it would be pretty "normal" for a 10 year old who had access to TikTok to think it was "normal" to express feelings etc though TikTok videos.

First though, I will delete and take all apps of off his phone that are not appropriate for his age. Including YouTube as it's basically tiktok.
I need to make sure his Xbox is set up for his age too.

This sounds very sensible OP xxx

Why are you putting gay and trans in the same category? Being gay is innate. Being trans is absolutely not.
Social contagion most certainly is real.

This thread has lots of measured advice, there is no hate.

However, if DC is trans then they will KNOW they are a girl,

//

This however can never be true. In fact I'd go as far as to say that lying to our kids this way is hateful.

OP I hope you get some helpful advice here, there are many posters who have been through this and will probably suggest sticking to the "watchful waiting " side of things.

@BonfireLady what is the "GI" community please? I thought I knew all the acronyms but obviously not.

@DadJoke Social contagion is certainly very real and very dangerous.

The only thing typically fem that I have seen is he has asked to have his nails painted and absolutely nothing else.

Lose your idea of stereotypes. You are saying something is gendered. This is not gendered. This is stereotypes.

A huge amount of this comes from parents and the internet

Make sure you are fully familiar with the Cass Report. There is no such thing as a trans child. Yes maybe gender questioning but there are a whole pile of other explanations to consider her.

Cass crucially DOES NOT support positive affirmation of gender identity and using pronouns for this reason. It's not a neutral act and it can make it harder for a child to desist later on.

Stay the hell away from Mermaids for advice. There was a woman who posted a conversation which was essentially grooming parents rather than giving them a balanced impartial viewpoint. It makes the assumption that all kids who say they are trans are trans which is totally against Cass and actually their own policy as detailed in their own FAQ.

I grabbed it as a quote, so not my words, but it's "Gender Ideology". Personally I use "gender identity belief" when saying it myself.

That's just personal preference though. My logic is that any belief that has been used to create societal rules is an "ideology". We still have some remnants of Christian "ideology" baked in to UK law (e.g. shops closed on Christmas Day) but we don't tend to use that phrase e.g. we say "Christianity" or "Christian beliefs".

For some people who hold the belief that we all have a gender identity, the phrase "gender ideology" is confrontational. So I personally avoid it when I speak both IRL and online about this subject - the confrontation is a distraction from the actual issue at hand: the enforcement of this belief (as fact) at a societal level. Obviously it's true though that it's an ideology, by the dictionary definition of the word. Many people understandably prefer that clarity.

I just want to add that the very recent way the term ' trans' is being used is as a marketing tool to bring as many people as possible into the trans umbrella and to support the fiction that we all have an innate gender identity that does not necessarily match our sex.

In reality there are children who express feelings of gender incongruence and there are a whole host of reasons why this may be the case, as outlined in the Cass report. It is very clear from the evidence that exists that many children who suffer from distress for a whole host of reasons are latching, via social messages, onto ' being trans' as both the explanator and solution to how they feel as they do. Most of these children will grow out of it and a minority will maintain feelings of gender incongruence into adulthood. It is extremely important to note that not all adults with gender incongruence decide to transition. Some prefer to manage these feelings in other ways, and for those who can do so, that is obviously preferable to a medical transition, which will have life long side effects from being a life long medical patient with a permanent endocrine imbalance.

Same sex attracted children are widely disproportionately represented at gender clinics and its a national homophobic disgrace that these children are being 'converted' to present as heterosexual through being transitioned.

I would also say that sites online will give children responses to adults who question them about their ' trans' identity and it is entirely possible your son was told to say 'I have always felt this way I was just too scared to tell you' when you asked him questions.

Reddit is practically the bowels of the internet and is known as such. Not somewhere I'd recommend for parenting advice

Excellent post.

The Cass Review categorical states that gender questioning children are not a singular group who can be put into the single box of 'trans' and all treated the same.

They are actually a bunch of kids with a whole host of differing issues and needs. They should be treated accordingly. Comorbidity with autism, other mental health issues, sexual abuse, interference by ideological parents who are sexist or homophobic or social contagion issues are common.

You have to get to the bottom of where it's coming from.

Wearing nail varnish or wanting to play with girls does not make a boy trans. These are actually relatively common - it's more typical of being gay - but it doesn't necessarily 'mean' anything.

Plenty of adult men have long hair and where nail varnish and make up.

Be mindful of this.

The red flag for me here though is a ten year old boy on tiktok.

You absolutely are a female though. It is a biological impossibility for any human to be neither male nor female.
You may well have experienced extreme discomfort in your female body, but you are still female.

"..... because he is online and seen things, he has always been very easily led."

Remove TikTok from his devices and keep him off it.

I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now. - you did WHAT!!??

FGS!

Just say you love him whatever/whoever he thinks he is and that he is too young to need a label. End of.

@mitogoshigg where did you live that had no internet access or social media only 24 years ago? Even phones were 3G by then and chat rooms and MySpace had been around for ages. Plenty groomed in chat rooms in the 90's.

Take social media away, give him a phone with no internet access. At that age he won't really know anything, his brain is still so brand new in the grand scheme of things. Personally I don't think this is a decision that can be made until adulthood.
Is there counselling available for him?

Erm, no.

Myspace didn't start till 2003, 3G was launched in 2009.

Most homes in the year 2000 had a single family computer with dial up internet access - very slow and expensive. Chat rooms and forums were a thing, but it was very hard to be permanently online in the way we have been since the advent of WIFI, Facebook and smartphones.