My 10 year old son thinks he is trans.

[Onelovemumma]

Please don't give me any hate, I just need advice on how to approach this situation.

Yesterday I found out that my 10 year old son has tiktok. I went through all of his videos, lots of homemade stop motion dinosaur videos, him being silly with his boy mates, typical 10 year old boy videos.

Then I see two videos that say he is Trans and he wants to be a girl.

I am totally confused and just in shock.

Never ever had he given us an idea he might feel that way.
He loves everything that you would expect a young boy to love and always has.
He's a typical lad.

I called him upstairs and said I had seen his tiktok and he burst into tears and ran and locked himself in the bathroom.
I just sat and waited in his room till he was ready.
I asked him if he knew what videos I had looked at and wanted to talk about and he said yes then hid under the covers.

I said to we need to talk about it, asked how he felt and why, how long and who knows.

He said he has felt like it for a long time, but never said because he doesn't want to upset me and his dad's (real dad and step-dad)

He said he knew he could talk to me but his dad's would be angry.

He also said most of his class at school knows as he told a couple of people who then told everyone else. I have never heard of a rumour of this though. He always has girlfriends (even though I think it's too young)

I just don't get it.
I don't know if it's just because he is online and seen things, he has always been very easily led.

The only thing typically fem that I have seen is he has asked to have his nails painted and absolutely nothing else.

How do I deal with this. Do I leave it alone and see what happens? I truly don't think he feels this way.
I said to him what he is saying he feels is very extreme, I asked him if he wanted to have his bits off and made into a vagina and want breasts and he said he didn't want to talk about that now.

I don't think he knows fully what it entails.

I feel really bad writing that part but it wasn't said in a horrible way just trying to understand his thought process.

Help

Start controlling his internet access.

Where has he got this information from? School? Do you safeguard and regularly check his phone because he could be being groomed online. Isn't he too young for TikTok? There's lots of disturbing stuff on there and Instagram messages disappear so you can't be sure what he's doing.

I would treat it like a phase. Let him paint his nails but don't go along with it. Explain that he's a boy, it's impossible to become a girl and there more to being a girl than wearing nail varnish. That if he wants to do 'girl things' he can, that doesn't make him a girl.

I'm not sure why you're discussing surgery with him.

Take social media and tik tok away from him.
No way should a 10 year old have these.
It's very easy to fall down an internet search hell....they are then shown videos related to what they are watching and you get bombarded and it's addictive.

You need to support him in an educational manner. Don't going all fund blazing with the 'that's not possible' attitude but sit and talk calmly about what he understands, why he might be feeling that way and tell him you live and support him (you do not want to shut this communication down or you lose all control) and then you gently steer him back.

The problem is you have no idea who or what he has been exposed to by having unlimited internet access a such a young age. Remove that immediately but don't frame it as a punishment, he didn't do wrong there, you did and it's ok to tell him so. It was a mistake and to keep him safe you have had a rethink

Firstly your 10 year old is not trans. He’s likely confused possibly about his sexuality and doesn’t understand the feelings he has. More likely he has recognised he has some interest in “girl” things or “girl” activities such as painting nails and has assumed therefore that makes him a girl. What it makes him is a boy who is interested in less stereotypical things and he isn’t sure how to handle that under social pressure which is very prevalent amongst 10 year old boys who tend to, for the most part, live and breathe football and the like.

first thing you need to do is to get rid of TikTok, he shouldn’t have that. Then expand your conversations around how having other interests to your peers doesn’t make you a girl and that having feelings, perhaps, for other boys doesn’t make you a girl.

I could easily have gone down this route with one of my kids who went through a very long fairy princess ballet musical theatre make up etc etc stage and as a teen still has mainly female friends loves Taylor swift etc etc but we never suggested being trans was an option. Believe me if we had played to it, he would have taken it. I suspect the high likelihood is that he’s a gay man but not out. This is a far more likely outcome than being trans for your son. Or maybe he’s 10 and it’s a phase and it will pass

This. It’s quite simple.

You need to keep him off the internet.

It’s absolutely not appropriate for a ten year old to have Tiktoc.

I would be explaining to him it’s ok to be confused and have all sorts of feelings but that he is male and always will be.

Bayswater support group may be able to help.

How has he got TikTok? Take it away and lock down his phone, or take the phone away completely.

He is not trans. I'd navigate it by ignoring it.

Introduce him to rock music and emo styles. Makeup and painted nails doesn't mean you have to be a girl.

If he feels he can talk to you, ask him what it is he wants to do that makes him think he feels like a girl? He's 10, other than the biological reality of only girls can have babies, there shouldn't be anything he feels he wants to do that makes him anything other than who he is exactly the way he is.

He shouldn't be anywhere near Tiktok, whatever device he uses you need to have control and get rid of all social media. They have age limit of 13 or more for a reason.

Ignoring it means his only source of 'information' will come from people who lean him in heavily. Mum needs to be on his side.

Ignoring things doesn't make them go away.

@kenidorm sorry phrased that badly, really meant not fuelling it.

No hate OP.

Really difficult thing to find out about. I’d approach it by having very light, non-dramatic conversations with him about relationships, being gay, what trans is etc. Ask why he thinks he’s trans (it will probably come down to liking “girl” things or not fancying girls). Explore those things and ask why nail varnish, for example, is for girls. Try and find examples of people not adhering to sex stereotypes eg the Lionesses or Jeffrey Star (his content has lots of swearing but he’s a gay guy who wears make-up etc but isn’t trans). Ask him what he thinks being trans is. What does “being a girl” mean? My take away from that comment would be that he wants the treatment that he thinks girls get. Does that mean that he doesn’t have to do rufty tufty “boy” things? Does it mean doing crafts/dancing/what he watches? These are all just examples to give you some ideas of where to start.

Do the dads know about this and if they do, what’s their reaction been? The important thing to remember is that the whole gender ideology thing is absolutely perfectly suited for disillusioned children. It’s whole thing is providing children who feel they don’t fit in with a ready made family. They get lots of sympathy about how parents don’t understand them, how difficult it is and then they get lots of attention for finally being honest and living their best life. It can be highly addictive. Also, be aware that the GI community is full of older members who love “hatching eggs” ie grooming children into becoming trans. There’s a whole load of people you wouldn’t want your child to be around.

Maybe pop over to the Feminism boards as there will be lots of people there who can give you resources so you can form a plan of action. I’d maybe also check with school to see what they’re being taught and what their policy on pronouns for pupils etc is. Some schools may socially transition your child without telling you so things can be further along than parents realise.

Lots of open, relaxed conversations exploring sex stereotypes and how we can present however we want on the outside but we’re still male/female and that’s ok. It’s ok to be a boy and wear nail varnish or a girl with short hair who never wears makeup.

And delete TikTok!!!

Please ask for advice on some inclusive facebook groups!! Or Reddit or anything other than here as most people here dislike trans people there many good facebook groups who can help
The parenting collective we can raise them
All parenting groups suck except for this one
Are 2 good ones

It’s not a case of “disliking” trans people, it’s being aware of the damage that can be done if gender ideology is allowed unfettered access to children. Children are in no way equipped to deal with the emotional baggage that comes along with “being trans”.

There is no such thing as a trans child.

@Lolapusht I was 6 years old trying to cut my chest, I was 7 years old trying to mutilate down there... I didn't have access to the internet in fact I had never been on the internet, I'm non binary I didn't even know what that was until I was 17 but growing up I knew I wasn't a girl and I wasn't a boy so yeah kids know this kid may not be but pushing it away and away is going to do more harm than good. I've lost friends because their parents didn't believe anyone could be trans under the age of 21 and they jumped because what was the point when no one believed who they were.

Rubbish. 10 year olds are not trans and it’s our responsibility not to encourage something they simply don’t have the cognitive development to process. 10 year olds are very black and white and are in no way able to process this.

If an adult decides they are trans fine, if a teen wishes to explore living as another gender without hormones and with counselling then also fine. 10 year olds, no.

You need to sit him down and have an honest chat with him about why he feels he wants to be a girl, he may not be trans, he may be gay, or identify as one of the feminine genders.

Put an age restriction on his phone so he can only go onto age appropriate content, although if they want to see something they will find a way.

www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/transgender/how-do-i-know-if-im-transgender#:~:text=You're%20transgender%20(or%20trans,know%20you're%20a%20woman.

@Tralalaka

Sorry but I disagree completely. I have a family member who at the age of 4 said they were a boy not a girl. This was 24 years ago so no internet, no social media, huge amounts of prejudice and plastic surgery was nowhere near as advanced (not that a 4 year old would know anything about that) it's possible to be a trans child as in they feel that way, of course you don't act on it in a permanent manner but to completely dismiss as impossible is incorrect.

My advice to op is to listen a lot, read different angles yourself (not just pro and anti orgs but real parents and how they handled it), explain that children can get confused with all kinds of things due to hormones changing but often it's temporary. Most of all leave that door open to talk more. No need to run for professional help just leave it as a see how you feel when you're a bit older.

First, don’t be angry with your child.

Second, social contagion isn’t real and you can’t be made trans or gay by reading stuff on the internet.

Your DC might be trans, they might not. Explain that liking girl things does make you a girl, just wanting to be a girl does not make you a girl. However, if DC is trans then they will KNOW they are a girl, not just want to be one. Throwing a bunch of gender critical ideology or homophobia at that will not change their gender identity.

At 10 I really think he's too young to fully understand what being trans means.

I have a 9.5 year old girl and if she told me she was trans I would be explaining it's fine to be a girl who wants to wear "boy" clothes and like "boy" stuff (because I don't really believe in boys/girls stuff anyway).
And also that liking girls or boys is fine, but all this stuff doesn't mean she's trans it means she's a girl who doesn't like dressing like a typical girl and doesn't like typical girl things.

I think pre puberty is way too young to be "transitioning"
Just let him know you love him and he can keep talking to you about anything

But definitely get rid of the TikTok, 10 is too young to be on it

This - without a shadow of a doubt!

"may identify as one of the feminine genders" Dear Godess.

Why does he have a phone at 10?
Why does he have Tiktok?

There’s all sorts of weird shit on the internet. This is just one aspect. Take the phone away. If he needs it eg to contact NRP then a brick phone does fine.

It's a trend. He'd be off the Internet completely as it's usually the culprit for this shit. 99% certainty he will grow out of it.