Just found chest tape in daughter’s room

[QueenBing]

My 14 yr old DD has been struggling with gender identity for a while. I told her she needed to have specialist counselling (which she’s on a waiting list for) before I could support any change. Her father and I are divorced but he and his new partner are calling her by her preferred male name and he’s just given her a birthday card with “happy birthday son” on the front of it.

I went into her room to get her washing, as usual it’s strewn all over the place, and she’s left out a box which is WIVOV chest binding tape. I looked it up online, it’s £9-14. I went through her transactions on her card and there are no transactions for that amount of money. I can only think someone (probably her dad) has bought it for her. She hasn’t told me about it. I’m hurt she’s kept it a secret but also worried. Can it cause lasting damage??

I’m not transphobic by any stretch, I’ve just said to her I want to be sure this is the right road to go down before I can fully support it. She’s already had her hair cut very short, her dad took her, and she wears men’s clothes, so she seems pretty set on being a boy. However, she’s gay, she’s on the neuro pathway for an autism diagnosis and she’s experienced family trauma when her dad and I split so I know she’s at risk for thinking she’s trans. I don’t know what to do.

And her "feelings" won't change one iota of biological fact. Op, you've got some really good advice on this thread, definitely throw away the binding tape, it's not at all safe, and have a talk as recommended where you say clothes, hair etc are all fine, but not anything that could damage her.

@Joolsin gender and sex are two different things. People on Mumsnet try so hard to pretend they don't understand this. What is the issue in accepting this child is of male gender and supporting them? If the mother does not, they will seriously run the risk of losing the relationship with the child, it is already happening as they clearly have a more open relationship with the father.

The issue @Chickenwing2 is that what might feel like an insignificant step actually puts the kid on a path towards untested and unproven treatments and drugs with lifelong consequences.

Questions about gender and identity can come and go and we know that desire to transition or to identify as a different sex can often be temporary.

It is very possible to love and support a child while remaining neutral about gender identity. To claim that supporting a new gender identity is GOOD and not doing so is BAD is unhelpful and ill informed.

I’m so sorry you are faced with this madness, the world has indeed gone completely mad.

Please be aware that counselling in this country is all about affirmation. Anyone can rock up and claim to be the other gender and all that will happen is agreement.

It’s heartbreaking @QueenBing . Do you have support for you in real life. Sending strength and hugs, from someone who understands. x❤️

This kind of advice is very quickly becoming dated thanks to the Cass Review.

I'm not saying immediately get this child to the GP to start transitioning, I am saying that the mother should sit down and have a conversation about the child's feelings, why they feel they are male gender, and how can they be supported. Speak about the binding tape and how it can cause damage and speak about alternative things to try.

From the OP it sounds like the child is very clear they are male, and want to be given male pronouns (hence the father giving a card "to my son") the poster has said daughter/she throughout the post so is clearly uncomfortable accepting her child's wishes.

Try to put yourself into the child's shoes.

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

OP please contact the Bayswater support group or Our Duty. You will get lots of very good advice on how to deal with this situation.

Personally I would talk to them and say you came across the binding tape and that you know what it's for, but then talk to them and ask in a kind and listening way about why they want to do this.
Binding with tape can give the flattened effect being sought, but can cause muscular and skeletal pain and damage, restrict breathing and cause skin irritation.
I think banning/hiding the tape would be counter productive but maybe you could ask that they also consider other, less damaging ways to flatten the chest - such as sports bra, elasticated tops and try and agree that some time unrestricted is a necessity.

I expected my post to be deleted. The trouble is, I’m just so angry about the way our children are being let down.

I get it @Pingtotheeastwoodly. I get sick to death of well-meaning people telling me how I should parent my kid and how I am getting it wrong.

I have spent years reading and learning and researching and speaking to experts yet many people feel its appropriate to educate me about what my kid needs.

Well you can go be angry on literally any other board, this is supposed to be a supportive space for parents.

I am a parent and I am angry. I don’t think some people understand how devastating it can be going through this. It’s literally like a bereavement but how do you recover when your child hasn’t actually died?

Exactly this. Thank you. ❤️

I agree about sitting down and having a conversation about the child's feelings, why they feel they are male gender, and how can they be supported. However, I disagree about supporting them by offering alternatives to binding tape.

A better idea would be to understand if/why they are running away from being a girl and/or running towards being a boy. Homophobia? Sexism? Puberty distress? Neurodiversity? Perceived privilege/freedom? Thrills? Rejection of stereotypes?

It is important to get to the heart of the problem or desire that has triggered the focus on becoming transgender. Once you have that understanding, that is when it's time look at what the best solution might be.

It's important not to get fixated on the solution of transitioning before you understand the underlying problem. Alternatively, if there is no underlying problem, then why is a solution/transition needed?

I am a bereaved parent, and I am the parent of a trans kid too.

I assure you, its nothing like bereavement, and its actually pretty offensive to say that.

I would rather see my kid every day and watch them live out their life, albeit not quite as I envisaged it, than never see them again and just be left with a memory box full of photos.

There are many issues, and things going wrong, and lots of stats and worrying info, but telling someone who's offering advice to support and talk to piss off isn't the best way to express things on a board for support.

Everyone is different and I do actually feel bereaved for my child. Please respect that.

i agree with @GatherlyGal I also get sick to death of well-meaning people telling me how I should parent my kid and how I am getting it wrong.

I was in that child’s shoes, and I look back in horror that people are seriously encouraging children to believe they can change sex, and I’ve read enough to know that the difference between sex and gender is largely conflated and commonly called out as transphobia.

Children need boundaries, the sort that keep them safe. Not wrong sex pronouns and chest binders that damage developing breast tissue, and being validated as a chosen sex that no one believes they are beyond “kind” yet harmful pretending.

You are the sex you are born as, nothing can change that. Why on earth have these lies become mainstream?

I won't respect someone who thinks having a living child is the same as their child dying, no.

I’ve spoken to other parents who also feel bereaved. Everyone reacts differently.

The truth is, having a child who decides they are a different gender to the one they are born with, is devastating for some. Perhaps not so much for others.

You can be devastated, but I'm telling you that it's absolutely not the same as having a dead child.

Are you seriously telling me you feel the same about your child being alive and being trans as you would if your child had died?

Have a think about what you're actually saying here. Trans child = dead child?

There is a large study to show that binding is damaging. I shared it when daughter when she demanded I buy her binders. I said no and sent her the information and she's stayed wearing sports bras for the past 2 years instead. I'll see if I cab find the report

It’s not the same, however having feelings of bereavement over losing my boy child are very real for me.

Just because you don’t understand, doesn’t mean it’s not real and very painful for me. I’ve been having counselling and the counsellor has said that I’m suffering from complex grief. I’m in bits, so I’m stepping away now.